Hi Esame, not sure I've been here long enough to be giving advice but your post resonated with me. Try not to give your worries too much energy. I hate to say it but I've discovered my intuition/instincts were correct a lot of the time, but then again sometimes not. Keep the focus on yourself because you can't do anything about his actions, try to remember he doesn't have the right tools to deal with the crisis. Also remember the stop sign from DR. It didn't work for me at first but I kept doing it and it helps.
I think what you posted about your mistakes is big. It's a hard pill to swallow to accept we played a part in our spouses disconnection which is a MLC factor, especially when their actions are so wrong and hurtful. when I realized my errors it opened my eyes and I made a jump to really start working on myself.
Kyh thank you so much for your reply. I agree with Jack-three-beans, you should keep posting and advising, your input is really helpful.
H and I spoke on the phone yesterday, I asked him were he was and he admitted he was abroad. Apparently for a holiday combined with discussions for the new business, but who knows. I kept the conversation brief and pleasant, but it is so hard to not imagine he is there with her. I don't know if they are there together, but how can I stop myself from thinking about it.
I write loads of notes with things I want to say, scripts and letters - I know some I will never use, but it helps me organise my thoughts and work on more positive ways of communicating.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Oh and I forgot the most exciting news! I'm one run away from completing the "couch to 5K" programme! I'm not sure how far I actually run for at the moment, but I can now run for 30 minutes, and tonight's run will be 35 minutes! Me running 35 minutes! And enjoy it! I am genuinely proud of myself!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Hi again Esame, idk what to tell you about not thinking about it. Really, how can you not? Keeping myself busy or my mind occupied elsewhere was the best way I found. And try to stay positive, I found my thoughts running wild when in a negative mindset.
It's great you're writing your thoughts down and not expressing them right now. I did the same and later on looking back through some of them I'm so glad that's where they stayed until the paper shredder. I said a few of those things to my w and even though they were true, it made things worse and she hasn't forgotten. She simply didn't want to hear it or couldn't deal with it. Maybe she even took it totally different from her MLC viewpoint.
Congratulations on the program! It takes a lot of will power to start running and stick to it.
So I did it! I runny first 5K last night. I wish I could say I didn't struggle, but that would be a lie. However it is done, so it can only get easier as I build on my fitness.
Originally Posted By: Kyh
Hi again Esame, idk what to tell you about not thinking about it. Really, how can you not? Keeping myself busy or my mind occupied elsewhere was the best way I found.
Kyh I found this very useful, because of course, how could I not think about them together? I think maybe I was being a little harsh on me, thank you for the reminder.
Spoke with MIL yesterday, she is doing really well, but she has two more sessions of chemo to go. In my opinion H should be there with her instead of his little holiday, but what can I say? I need to keep that duck tape firmly in place. Unfortunately MIL could tell I was upset about something, and rather than telling her about her son being on holiday with the OW instead of being with her or letting me book earlier flights so he can spend time with his kids, I told her about how upset I was about H's comments about me "choosing" not to work. She is such a lovely lady, I don't want to upset her. I think I managed to cover it all up, I hope I did anyway.
Something else happened yesterday with S10, that I wanted to share with H, but didn't as it might come across as pursuing in his crazy state.
We were walking with the boys, talking about the neighbour's dogs. They keep barking going ballistic.
Me: The pittbulls can be a dangerous bread, and those are not very well cared for. The guy spends no time with them. Animals need love, they need their owners to love them. It's like having kids and never spending any time with them. What's the point in that?
S10: isn't that what my dad is doing?
Me: son!
S10: Kidding..
I don't think he was kidding at all! I think H should know about this, but maybe I should tell him face to face? Idk...
It's not what I want, not sharing everything about the kids with H. I hate it
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I just noticed that since I "went dark" on H our relationship has been reduced to one of social media only. H "likes" my photos and posts (which is actually a new thing - guilt or maybe subconscious need to communicate?) and if he messages about something relating to the kids (which is rare) I reply. It hurts so much to not be sharing things with him.
The other thing I realised is that possibly the reason I was angry on the phone to MIL yesterday is because she makes all those references to H and I spending time together that it really got to me. Of course she doesn't know about our separation so naturally she talks about our family in a different tone to what we use. Just some hindsight, something to watch for in future calls with her. I hate lying, but it would really hurt her if she knew how her son is dealing with this.
H was very gentle and polite on our latest call, obviously I gave him no reason to not be nice, but he sounded less... angry with me? Again it could be guilt, who knows.
Anyway, on a more positive note, I'm stepping up with my running, got a new app and it is really challenging. I'm really motivated to continue with it. I want to look my best when I go back home, I know good appearance is not the panacea that would magically bring H to his senses but I hope it will help. At least it helps me, my self esteem is much better now, probably the best it's been since I had S10.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Esame, There are times when the MLCer is just angry, angry about everything and they take it out on us. Yes, I'm sure that there is some guilt playing in the background w/your h. I do think that if you keep your voice calm and even when speaking to him, he may very well not overact and become short and angry.
It's understandable to have some anger towards your MIL, but you have to take into consideration that she's not aware of what is going on. At some point, she will need to be told what is going on, but that's a decision that will come about on its own.
I'm glad to see that you are stepping up your running. Your self esteem will continue to grow and glow. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Its a hard thing to do, should he be aware of what your son said?
That's a tough question.
Advice I'd offer is that if you choose to make him aware, do it generally. I wouldn't specifically tell him word for word what your son said, but that your son seems to be concerned and maybe he or both of you could talk to him about it.
I tried my best to insulate my boys and kept things very general with them about what was going on, and with her regarding things they said about her when they did.
I believe guilt a is very big part of the MLCer and adding to it makes them sort of rabbit away from sources of guilt quickly.
About your running, Congrats!!
It gets easier and it seems like you are doing it for the right reasons...yourself.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
