So glad you're MIL is handling things well. My M had chemo and it's not easy.
I think we LBSs build walls (or wrap ourselves in rugs) to do precisely what you describe - to shield ourselves from further hurt and the pain we are experiencing. I also think that those "shields" are what allow us to detach and embark on our own journey. The nice thing about walls and rugs, though, is they can come down/off when the time is right.
I like your attitude about snake in the grass friends. It reminds me of that saying ... the best revenge is a life well lived.
2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I agree with you, the best revenge is a life well lived!
Had an "interesting" day, I was trying to disable the alarm on H's phone (he keeps pressing snooze and it was going to ring again) and I realised that he changed his phone password again. Obviously that means he's got something to hide, but I have been actively trying to not look for proof that he is messing around. As I mentioned in the past I think he had (has?) an emotional affair at the very least, but to be honest it could be a proper PA. The changed password put me in a weird mood, I'm so angry and annoyed with myself for feeling sorry for him and what he is going through when blatantly he could not care less about my family. I'm saying family and not me, because I know that he doesn't care about me anyway, and if I'm honest I could care less about his feelings towards me. I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling. I'm not planning on causing a scene, or even start investigating again. I think that while I'm tying to give our relationship as good a chance as possible anything like that would be counterproductive. But how do I react? Keep up with the rug sweeping? Is there a 180 appropriate for the H that couldn't care less? I want to start screaming bit obviously I'm a lady and will not do anything of the kind
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
The changed password put me in a weird mood, I'm so angry and annoyed with myself for feeling sorry for him and what he is going through when blatantly he could not care less about my family. I'm saying family and not me, because I know that he doesn't care about me anyway, and if I'm honest I could care less about his feelings towards me.
Feeling angry is okay. We all feel it and some of us (me) rant about it here. But don't be angry with yourself. You haven't done anything wrong. You're trying to stand for you M and that's not an easy task when it comes to MLC. They are in a lot of pain, a lot of confusion and don't really know what is going on with themselves. Feeling sorry for them is not something you should be angry at yourself for.
As for not caring about you, I believe that the care and love is still there. It's just buried so deep that it can't find it's way to the surface. Right now, it's all about him and he can't focus on anything or anyone else. He's just not capable of anything more than taking care of himself. It's par for the course in MLC-land.
Originally Posted By: Esame
But how do I react? Keep up with the rug sweeping? Is there a 180 appropriate for the H that couldn't care less?
How do you react? I don't think you react at all to the password change. You put the duct tape over your mouth. It's been my experience that two things will happen. He will accuse you of snooping or spying on him (no matter how innocent it was) and he will take measures to lock down his life so tight that you are completely in the dark about what's going on with him.
You call it rug sweeping and maybe it is. I call it letting go and giving him the time and space to sort out his issues. Until he does, he won't be able to show you that he cares. You just have to have faith that the care and the love is buried in there somewhere and if you can stand by him, with him and for him, it'll find it's way to the surface.
{{{Hugs}}}
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Hi Esame, I'm sorry for that discovery. It's not a nice thing to find out our spouse has their life 'locked down' away from us. I also had that discovery a few weeks after finding messages from XH to OW - and I remember that horrible feeling and uncertainty. Now in my case, the A had started up again (or was never ended?) hence the lock down. However, MLCers can be secretive for all sorts of reasons because the LBS is often seen as an 'authority' type figure or 'Mom' as Job would say.
I do think the 'lock down' means your H is 'out' of the M just now. You don't lock down your IT passwords if you are 'in.' Doesn't mean this will always be the case, but it is for now, IMHO.
What does all of this mean to you? Well, for now I think it becomes really important to accept his 'outness' and live how you would live if (say) your brother came to lodge with you between rentals....and a bit of a wayward brother too. What would this look like? Well, you would leave him be, and not be glancing at his IT equipment. You wouldn't be engaging with him much, but you'd chat sometimes and be pleasant. You'd get on with your own life and he wouldn't be that central in it. You'd be clear about this being your house and if he crosses your boundaries, you'd call him on it.
That's the approach I would go for just now. Try to stop seeing him as your spouse for now. Put aside any hopes of working on the M for a while. Make new plans for yourself and cut him loose.....because if you prod and poke and ask him about passwords (I've done all of that!!) it won't help your situation as it will just be pressure...
Take care Esame, you're doing well - living with a MLCer is not easy for sure....xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
H and I spoke about us yesterday. Nothing to do with the changed password, but with the fact that after our huge argument last week we still don't know anything about each other or our relationship crisis. He is apparently ready to talk now that I stopped crying (he is playing me on this, if he didn't want me to cry he would be more honest as that would hurt less) and he is asking me to start communicating my feelings more. He said what I knew all along, the dreaded ILYB, or in his own words that he has no feelings for me. He said the usual MLC crisis things, and I told him were I stand. That basically I'm going to try for us to work, and that I will not be making this easy for him by giving him a way out again.
He told me that he is dealing with things in his way, and that he needs time. He told me he doesn want us to end up like his parents, screening arguments because his dad was cheating etc. I told him that we have issues, but we are not his parents, he is not his dad.
I am talking it reasonably well, I suppose I had months to prepare for this so its not like I learned something new...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Do please remember that with MLC (and depression in general) it becomes hard to see a life going forwards - ie; life as it is looks rather hopeless....
That's more about him and how he is feeling than you and your M. Though there isn't really room for him to offer much as a spouse given how he is feeling just now.
I would suggest gently drawing back and not initiating R talks with him just now. He is probably pretty confused and that's when you can start the rollercoaster ride where he offers hope/no hope etc...
Just know that in time his feelings about you may change - but pressure and R talks are best avoided for now I think. I read a useful little e-book a while ago - called 'detach and survive' for wives of MLC guys. You may find that helpful.
Take care Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am sorry to read you have heard the words you hoped never to hear. As you are aware, it really is a standard sentence for a MLCer, right now to him its truth, his feelings are currently being smothered by the darkness that has formed inside him.
I agree with Sotto's suggestion of trying to take a step back and not talk r or anything connected to how he is feeling - because quite honestly he has no idea. Backing him into a corner and pushing him for action/answers will only result in a rushed "get me out of this situation quickly" answer from him, it will be whatever is in his head at the time and usually its not what you want to hear.
I would maybe let him know you will always be there for him and leave it at that. He has asked you for time and that is what he needs now, time to figure out what he is feeling and thinking.
I wish I could give you an easy fix, but sadly there is not one that has been discovered. However, you come across as a strong women and I know that you can make your way through this.
Don't attempt to rush the process. Talking to him about the relationship and where it might be headed is pressure on him. He's depressed and right now, he doesn't know which way to go...which amounts to confusion about his life and what he wants to do.
I agree w/Sotto, gently step back and allow him the time and space to figure himself out. No more relationship talks for now. If he brings up the subject, listen, but do not offer up suggestions and/or opinions unless he asks for them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
