MLC vs Midlife Reboot

[ciluzen]

Thanks for checking up on me! Just a quick update...too much homework(what was I thinking!). H is still trying to be mr nice guy unless he feels pressure. He is extremely stressed and it showed while talking on Sat. I tried to make it all business, but got so frustrated with him "rejecting" my numbers for the vacation home and his office. Uh...real estate agent and practice estimate? He insinuated I paid someone for the numbers...uh...no. Then he wanted only 3 years of spousal support...after 26 years! I basically said after 4 hours, "I think we're done here". We agreed to deal with the lawyers. ugh. told him to get his own valuations for things since he didnt like mine.
The last thing he said to me as he kept stalling while leaving, was that he realized I was trying not to contact him unless it was an emergency. Then he said, "don't try so hard, please". I had let him vent about all of his office and life issues the night before when he called about when to be here. He throws me off my feed everytime he says confusing things!

[HaWho]

Ciluzen - I think having contact with the MLCer is a slippery slope. A year ago this time my h was a talker and I heard all sorts of things I now wish I could backspace.

I began building this safe place for him while I worked on listening, validating, etc. The problem is that the MLCers' perception is so warped that, eventually, they cross a line and say something so hurtful, awful and just bizarre. But their empathy chips are so busted, they're oblivious they're even doing it.

Only you can know how physically and emotionally present you want to be through this process. It's okay to pull back, be less available upon demand and put you first in a kind, cordial fashion.

Definitely make sure you stand your ground and look out for your financial welfare. (I see some paranoia there in his view that you're out to bilk him.)

Keep going; you are doing so great!

[ciluzen]

Thanks for the support and advice, HaWho. I trust your input and believe you are right. I don't know this guy anymore. I ended up calling him the next night and asking him what he meant. I got the "cold" response...guarded and not at all friendly. He replied that he just felt that I had questions and maybe didn't feel I could call and ask him. That's pretty much the only reason I ever call! Such BS! I'm starting to feel very manipulated. He keeps telling me how he doesn't spend money, lives in a crappy apartment and lives on frozen burritos. Showed me his new swim trunks and said that's the first thing he's bought himself forever. Maybe he forgot his trip to Vegas, to CA, to a house in MT to ski.

I've come to the conclusion that he's so deep in MLC, I can't care. It will tear me up. I can't be swayed by the sob stories anymore...he's not swayed by mine. So, I've handed it over to my L. If he chooses to talk to me I'll listen. I think I'm done sharing my info with him as if we're friends, though. He doesn't really seem to care much about what I'm doing anyway. Just likes to tell me what he thinks I would like. I can now put some distance between us and leave him to his life. It does sound like my L is pushing for mediation. This needs to happen. I'm no longer afraid of how he will view my every move. It doesn't matter. He is looking out for him so I will look out for me. Let the Ls decide. I hate that it has to be this way, but this was his choice. He needs to own it.

[job]

They cry "poor me" quite often and yet, they are spending money on themselves all of the time. They want people to feel sorry for them, but you can't, especially when it comes to the financial situation that they have put themselves into.

I'm glad you aren't going to share a lot of your info about what you are doing w/him. It's okay to treat him as a friend, but that doesn't mean "sharing" your activities, etc. w/him. He's still curious about what you are doing, but he's really not into sharing a lot of what he's doing and yes, he's only going to tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Why? To keep you right where he left you.

I think you are very wise in allowing the lawyers doing the talking/work. I know you hate to be this way, but you've got to protect yourself, not only financially, but mentally and emotionally as well.

You are doing what you need to do to survive and continue moving forward. Keep up the good work.

[ciluzen]

Thanks Job. I realize I sound angry, but I actually just have had a series of epiphanies lately. Finding out what others have seen and/ or felt about this situation after so much silence while I have wondered who noticed, what people knew, was I imagining things, was I really so bad? I just realized, I can't waste so much energy on it. I'm tired.

I'm in school, trying to live my life and adjust to all of these changes. I got the full throttle manipulation on Saturday, I now realize. The poor me, the victim, the guilt trip, the how can you ask me to continue being responsible for you because I failed at that for so many years so I don't want to do it anymore...What?! Responsible for me? I don't remember him being this manipulative in the past. I don't remember him being a liar. I've wracked my brain trying to remember these strange negative qualities or evidence of them from the past. I got nothing. So, he must be pretty desperate to create change in his life.

I know he's scared, I know he's stressed, I know he's not happy and feels out of control. I know he's tired. At first I thought, "but I didn't cause these things, so why am I being punished?". But now I realize, it doesn't matter. Its happening. He can't see any of the good from our relationship. He just can't right now. He is fearful, tired and desperate. So, I have to let go. And I have to take care of me and my needs regardless of how he feels about it. I'm not used to being selfish. But I have to be.

I was afraid that this would make me the evil ex who just grabbed at everything she could while he suffered penniless and overworked. I'm sure that's how I'll be portrayed. But I didn't make the decisions here that put him in debt. He made a big deal of how he is absorbing all of the debt, and how he has really struggled this year to pay for the river property. Good! We actually have struggled every year with it! He just hasn't been in charge of the finances! He can sell the place. We sold our house. It was gut wrenching. It was a good price, but considering how much we put into it, it was a huge loss. If he sold the river property, it would be a gain (bought at auction). But he "can't".

Anyway. He will be faced with all of his decisions from now on. By looking out for me, I may well always be considered a cold money-grubbing b-word in his mind. I'm sure he'll find support in his belief, as I'm sure I will be supported in my belief that its right for me to focus on me, regardless of how it affects him.

Its time to let the Ls do their jobs. I'm out. Am I still "standing"? Yes. Yes I am. But not for this desperate, manipulative, selfish, cheating, MLCer that has taken over the body of the love of my life.

[HaWho]

Ciluzen - reading your post, I found myself checking off all the MLC boxes. Yep, all that is par for the crisis course: dishonesty, manipulation and entitlement.

With some of the 'woe is me' things my h has said, it seems like he should have a whole symphony of violinists following him around all day and night.

One of the funniest things he has said while in crisis is that I have single handedly bankrupted him with all the snacks I buy!!! Meanwhile he bought himself a second car! (This is his second car band-aid attempt while in MLC. He bought his first, a convertible, while in denial. He is 6' 3" and was so uncomfortable in it. He looked like a clown in the thing when he got out!)

So, I assume your name is not on that river view property? Because even if MLCers don't go nuts with spending, they do begin to forget to make payments or make them late. It's his expensive band-aid so yes, it's his deal now.

And it is not selfish to take care of yourself. It is an essential practicing of self care. The more together you are, the more apparent it will be to him how messed up he is.

[ciluzen]

Lol, HaWho! Funny thing about the debt to the river property (in his name only). His debt is to his PARENTS!

And...those must be some expensive snacks. Imported foi gras, beluga caviar and fresh lobster flown in daily? Don't eat that in his cars! They're pretty messy!

[HaWho]

Oi (with a slap to my forehead)! So, I am TOTALLY expecting that he could be living in his parents' basement at some point?!? Hopefully they live too far for that?

Recently, I have fantasies about shipping my h back to my MIL! He can recreate the whole darn thing with her. She already lives with her other son Monday - Friday as she cares for their son. (And when I last visited that 50 year old son was in the basement A LOT. And this was when no one was using the living room?!? Might as well add my h to the mix so she can finish up her parenting stint.)

My MIL just sent me a really sappy Hallmark card for my birthday. The message inside made me laugh outloud. She has some inkling that something is (very) wrong with her s but she just pretends it's not happening.

The left hand side of the card says (from Hallmark) that she is grateful she does not have to worry at all about her son and grandchildren because they have my love and my love will carry them through.

Is she pushing me towards co-dependence??? Is there a whole Hallmark 'co-dependent' card section I don't know about? Maybe next to the 99 cent cards?!? (She has not returned any of my calls or texts from when she first learned something was 'off' with her son. And we used to talk a lot. This makes the card all the more disingenuous.)

Then, the right hand side was the hilarious part. From Hallmark, it says that the reason I have built such a great family life is because of who I am and all that I have given to my family.

Umm. Hmm. Yes! I am really reaping some serious benefits over here. I wanted to send the card back and edit this part to say: "actually, your son has moved downstairs to a recreated childhood bedroom he keeps under 24/7 lock and key. He only comes out to leave the house, use the bathroom in the hall (he locks and unlocks the door in between), eat dinner or grab food from the kitchen. Life with him most resembles living with a feral cat. I hope you are enjoying ignoring me and all that is going on over here! Love, Hawho."

Point is, it could be worse. You could be on the hook for that house, too.

[AJM]

the reason I have built such a great family life is because of who I am and all that I have given to my family

I dunno. Seems accurate to me. You built a much better family life than either of her sons. Just because he can't enjoy that...

And yes, it can always be worse. Always. For example, she could come live with you

I read that, and can't say I'm surprised. She seems to be a peacemaker type that avoids conflict at all costs. I wouldn't have high hopes for her in any regard.

At first I thought, "but I didn't cause these things, so why am I being punished?". But now I realize, it doesn't matter. Its happening. He can't see any of the good from our relationship. He just can't right now.

C, you are spot on with that epiphany. And as for the portrayal of you? I wouldn't give it a second thought. You will be portrayed as whatever he dreams up for the immediate future. Long term? Not likely that you'll continue to be the "bad" person at some point. It's possible, but not as common as you might think. I know for me, I'm portrayed as the bad guy for now. It's been a lot of years. But I also know that's not important to me. It is to my kids, my ex and her husband, but that's about it. My kids and I know better and that's enough for me. The rest is so in flux all the time, what does it really matter what's said or thought at this moment in time? It changes by the moment anyway. That's a MLC hallmark. (maybe it should be a card in the 99 cent section?)

AJ

[ciluzen]

HaWho,
His parents don't have a basement and they are a few day's drive away!Lol! And I realize how incredibly lucky I am so far. Really, I'm kind of enjoying my life at the moment. When I want to study, I study. When I want to go out with friends, I actually have people who enjoy me and want to do things with me!I feel like the dogs you see in videos that have been kept in cages all of their lives and then are filmed walking on grass for the first time.

AJM, I am doing better with not worrying about how I'm portrayed. It helped to hear that many people have a sense of what's been going on and also are confused or even disgusted by it. I have a lot of support even if it doesn't get said directly to me. But I'm good with the people who have been here for me lately. In the past I always had a few very close friends, but no enemies. I've always been "nice". Even H still tells me I'm nice. So, unless someone out and out lies, I don't think anyone that matters to me is going to believe I'm a bad person. And I don't really care if they do.

Oh, and I'd buy that card in the 99 cents aisle. Just for the heck of it.

Just to catch up a bit, I had a bit of downtime from school. A friend and I hiked up around my ski hill and picked huckleberries on Friday and, while driving down the other side of the mountain it occurred to me that both Bubbles and H would be at work all day. So we went over to the river house and spent the day being lazy on floaties in the water, while my dog enjoyed her favorite place in the world (we hadn't been there since early march). She's a chocolate lab and loves the water! The next day the same friend and I went to the farmer's market and then another friend and I hiked up to the top of a nearby mountain with the dog today. We ended up eating a late lunch downtown (outside seating where the French waiter kept bringing my pup water and treats) that was fabulous. I had a great weekend of GAL. I didn't even flinch when I saw that one of my friends (H's office staff) posted a picture yesterday on FB from the river, with both H's boat and Bubbles' boats at the dock. It is what it is. Moving on...