I wonder sometimes if I took that pressure off of him, let him know that I have my own friends and interests now and that I can accept that he can have his, if I let go of the Bubbles issue, just really let it go (I don't have to be friends with her), if that would give him any freedom to make a different decision?
I'm realizing that I'm going to have to be one of those people that has to just let D happen.
This is what I did - just let go and accepted that he would do what he would do and I didn't really get to influence that - other than not doing 'pushing away' things. I think the best plan is to truly try and release this, to not try and show him anything or say anything. Because if you are doing those things, you are still trying to use strategies to control an outcome I think.
I do think your H still seems rather conflicted, but equally he's currently on a path towards D. A path that he already knows you don't want. So if he wants to get off it he will, and if he doesn't he won't. The best plan is to work towards the life you want regardless of him IMHO.
I'm always conscious that I'm posting from the perspective of being divorced now. But I also feel I have tried hard to save our M and would have considered trying to save it right to the bitter end if that had been on the table. In my sitch it wasn't, but who knows how things will unfold for any of us.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you Sotto. Your advice is very sound. I'm just getting home from sitting in a parking lot talking to H on my phone for three hours. I'm done focusing even a little on him. Done talking to him. Done even considering trying to convince him to come back. And done concerning myself with Bubbles or the fact that she is anything more than a symptom of H's problem.
After a stressful weekend (too much schoolwork) and some fun thrown in (comedy show, 10 mile hike, ran into some old friends), I capped it off with a visit to one of the ladies who works in H's office's house to hang by her pool. Then a few of her friends and another lady from the office came by. Boy did I get an earful about everyone's thoughts about Bubbles. I guess more people find the situation with H to be wrong than I thought (he convinced me that no one cared). I also found that I am missed by a lot of people.
H called me on the way back to set up a time on Saturday to talk financials. I was stupid. I asked if he was ever going to explain all of this to me. That started the whole ball rolling again. Same stories. Same "you didn't like me" and "I tried for years" (20 this time!). I asked him if he remembered anything good, did he miss anything about me (as it was all bad). At first he said he was lonely for someone, but not really me. Then he admitted he missed some things about me. Then he came up with one.
You're right, Sotto. It is pressure. I see nothing from him. Why am I persuing still? He is not interested in me at all, right now. Maybe never. He made me feel so dark...like every good, loving memory of us was false. His only thing he missed about me was when I went shopping and did a fashion show for him with the new clothes. ? That's it?
Anyway, I'm moving forward. Why waste anymore time or energy on someone who wants to run the other way as fast as they can? All my "hopefuls" and his "nice guy acts" are nothing.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Drop the rope, take the pressure off of him. He can't tell you why things happened the way they did because he doesn't truly know himself at this time. In time, he may better understand the whys, buts, ifs, etc., but right now, he's still confused and the only way he sees getting any relief is possible a divorce. Unfortunately, that won't help him either because the conflict is within himself and until he can resolve those issues, they will haunt him for a long time.
The best thing you can do is live your life to the fullest and just leave him be. If he calls, you can decide to either take the call then or wait a bit and return the call. Don't be too quick and responding because you are going to be living your life for YOU.
When he comes over to discuss the financials, keep it on the financials and if he talks to you about other things, listen and if you truly listen, you'll learn more about where he's at now. If he asks for your opinion, give it, but otherwise just nod and listen. Don't bring up the relationship on that ow you call Bubbles. She's all that right now...Bubbles because one day, her bubble will pop and he may very well realize what he's gotten himself into...but he needs to figure that out for himself.
You've got this. Leave him and Bubbles floating in the air.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I hear you, job. I really do. As much as I tried and tried to convince myself to not have expectations, they were there. I listened, but pushed for clarification. He has created a personality for me, complete with warped versions of stories that are semi-real and always explained through the lens of my dislike for him. Every introverted thing I did, silly thing, fearful or even rule following thing that I did that went against how he thought things should go were because I was either using it to set up blaming him later or to tell him he was wrong or just show my dislike of him. I cant smile and be light through that. He even talked of how I tried on 15 different outfits and made us 20 minutes late to everything...I'm always 5 minutes early because I'm too shy to walk in late! I don't know who he was talking about...but that used to be his dads complaint about his mom.
I'm done. I have a life to live. Who knows what the future will hold. I still love him, but I HAVE to drop the rope. DONE.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Well, don't be hard on yourself. It's really difficult to remain detached with a person in depression. The problem is we still have our memory, our logical skills and we still feel. Personally, I find that the more present I am, the longer the MLCer keeps that bullseye between my eyes. It's a nice distraction to blame the person in front of you than to look at the true source of hurt. But, if you're out of the picture and they are still miserable and they realize it? But, this all takes so much time. Picture one tiny grain of sand falling through the hourglass in slowwwww motion.
Ironically, once you are able to detach and you can listen without interrupting or asking questions or reasoning with them, then you are left remembering the crazy stuff they think about you and your m. And that is a very icky feeling, too.
I think that's why we need to focus on ourselves. It's a no-win situation when they are lost in depression.
Keep taking care of you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi Cil, I'm sorry you had a difficult talk with your H. I can see it must be hard to get your head around his pleasantness and him thinking of you - to then have that talk and hear him say what he did. I do think there seems to be some conflict there for him.
I think it makes absolute sense to drop the rope. And that may well be the best thing for you both. You can detach more and he gets some space and time to move forward too. Of course dropping the rope needn't mean giving up - just reaching a new level of detachment. As with any of our sitches, who knows how things may ultimately unfold.
In the meantime, do try to shift the focus firmly on to you and let him be for now my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Lol, HaWho! I don't think I'm being hard on myself. I think I just realized the depth of his MLC. As we get closer to "D-Day", he seems to be getting more desperate to convince himself that this has been bad from the get go. I got it, finally, on Monday night. I've been gaslighted, fallen for the "nice guy act", and been a victim of my own wishful thinking.
I now realize that EVERYONE at work and many others knew (not everything) and realized that he was having an emotional affair (although no one believes its physical), he and Bubbles had been confronted (he doesn't get it, she doesn't care because she gets what she wants out of it), and people other than me have tried to tell him that his memories aren't just off, but wrong! So, its noticeable at work, too. For some reason in my head, I thought if someone else could see this and talk to him, it would help. But now I know. It didn't!
This will help me to drop the rope. Am I still standing? Well, yes. I'm not going to go searching for someone new right now. I just realize how deep this is. How much he has created this persona for me that is not me. Late to everything, MADE him eat food he didn't want because it was healthy, TOLD him he couldn't have things that he wanted, MADE him feel stupid by telling him he was an idiot...not me. That's what his mom did! And his dad (not the late part). It gives new meaning to him saying "I don't need you!" Is he only saying that to me? Or was that to the mom that went off on him for an hour 20 years ago for moving himself and grandkids 1500 miles away? The mom who he knows won't remember who he is by next year probably?
I just am saying that I had hope during the move and in our past interactions, and now...its going to be a longggggg road. I just need to focus more on school and life without him.
Its not easy to. He told me he cancelled mediation as we had agreed on, but my lawyer and the mediator knew nothing today. So I called. We finally had everyone confirm (mediator, my L, and finally his L). I tried to contact him before we got confirmation from his L and no response by text, call on his cell, or call on his office phone (straight to vm). I finally left a vm on his cell asking him to call and confirm something with me. So either NO ONE is answering phones at the office or I'm being avoided (I haven't called in months). I still haven't heard from him, but the problem is solved, so pffft!
But, yes. I'm ready to be done with these "attachments" with someone who has turned me into an unrecognizable monster. I'm ready to move forward. As I see it, I just have to meet over financials on Saturday and then have the Ls go over our agreements on Monday, and then I can stop seeing or talking to him. And I won't pine away. He isn't who he was. He's an alien pod-person. Who knows who he will be in a few years, but right now I don't believe he will be my husband.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Oh I feel for you ciluzen! You have such a good attitude come out of all this pain. I admire your courage and strength to move on! Does he know you are looking for another guy? Did the mediation happen?
I'm at the beginning of all this in some ways. Mine only talked about divorce when he was drunk except a month ago he spewed crap and the first line was we might as well get divorced. I keep saying he's the one that has to file but if I can't find half of your strength, then I may have rethink it. Hugs to you!!
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
I am sorry he is vilifying you. They are just awesome at pinning all the blame on us. Mine is all rainbow and sunshine being nice so i don't contest the divorce but telling everyone what a monster i have been.. meanwhile..He has been in a relationship ..be it long distance this whole time..yet it is my fault. I just keep thinking this is making me a better person and a great mom. My D day is next month and he is ecstatic..that just makes it sting more. Keep your head up stay strong
