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Ciluzen - you exude such calmness in this last post. The stress definitely takes all sorts of tolls on us. Nice job re-gaining control by taking care of you!

Cheering you on . . .


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Ciluzen hi!

First of all, thank you so much for the thoughtful posts on my thread, you really helped at a very difficult part of my relationship journey.

I just caught up with your posts, it sounds like you are doing an amazing job at transforming yourself. You should be proud of your achievements so far, it is funny how motivational a crisis like the one we are going through can be! For example I have always hated exercise with a passion. Never had the will to complete workouts and gave up easily. After taking on running I have increased my overall activity and even started more intense workouts, which I would never consider in the past. Unlike you I was at my lowest self-care point before the bomb drop, and even though I was trying to lose weight I didn't do much else. Now I'm a changed person. Admittedly some I do to get through to H, but some (like my long walks) is purely for my benefit!

As HaWho said, your posts exude calmness, and if I may say, they also exude determination. I have faith in you, your new life will be amazing!


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Thankyou Job,Esame, and HaWho for stopping by. I love reading your threads and watching your journeys and hearing your insights, epiphanies and stories. Thank you for your words of support and advice on my own thread.

I feel the need to be honest. I'm not always doing well. Case in point, this Sunday. I knew it was going to be tough because H was going to be at the vacation home and so were Bubbles, her family, and all of my former friends plus more that Bubbles has invited. On top of that my oldest D and her H (I encouraged this), as well. So I purposely filled up my weekend with GAL activities.

Still, it hit my like a ton of bricks (didn't expect it) to see pictures my D posted on FB. A cute pick of my H getting hugged by his former best friend who sort of disappeared after his own D. I understand his feelings and why he dropped out of "our social group", but it was nice to see that he dropped by. I always liked him and was sorry to not have been there to see him. But yeah, it drove home all I was missing by not being there. I spoke with my D later that evening and shared a few feelings with her. She did say people asked about me. I guess thats either nice or just polite...they have my freaking number. Still working on that anger...

I did text H on Monday to give him a message from the new owner of our house, then decided to give him her number and let him deal with things instead of me being the go between. I wished him a happy 4th and tried to make it sound bright and cheery. I spent the 4th with my daughter, but think I should have accepted invites from two of my friends instead. It felt more like she just had me there at her barbecue because she didn't want me to be alone, rather than just wanting me there. I didn't need pity (I know this sounds negative). I think I would have had more fun with friends. Lesson learned.

D also gave me some of H's famous tri-tip and explained that he made a big deal getting me the "good pieces". I texted him to thank him (after debating if that was pressure) and had a pleasant quick little exchange with him. Back to not texting now, though. Its almost been a year since BD!

Started classes this week. Its going to be interesting being a student again!


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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Ciluzen - if at this point, you were always doing well, I would be pretty concerned about you. It would probably mean you are the type of person who has bodies in your freezer.

There is some ratio of how long it takes to "move on" from d. I know you are standing so I am certainly not advising you to "move on." I am merely stating there is no way you could recover from your length marriage in 1 year. My DB coach told me that a standard ratio for reconciliation post MLC, is 1 month for every year of marriage. It all takes a tremendous amount of time. I am 20 months post BD and I still have real moments of shock that this has happened. Granted, I think I am slower than most when it comes to all this.

That said, truth be told, you are doing SO well! Really, you are!

As for all that happened on the 4th, I am sorry. That is painful. However, Bubbles is not a friend to you nor to your h. If she were a true friend she would have stepped away from this whole situation, entirely. As a married woman she had no business hanging out that much with a married man. There is nothing good that can come from that. If she had a shred of dignity or class, she would have respectfully removed herself from his presence altogether.

Keep going and you will meet/attract much better quality friends than her!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Thanks HaWho. That 1 month for every year idea is interesting. I cant even imagine what another year and a few months will bring.
It did help me to breathe a bit slower.

I guess on the third after I was venting/texting my D25 about how I felt left out/jealous/lonely/angry/sad (all of the above), she spoke to my H about it, because she didn't know how to "make me happy". That sort of sealed the deal...don't put D in that spot no matter how tempted I am. I knew better, but it brought home the reality of how much it upsets her. It also made H realize that, though I'm not bringing up R to him, I'm still unhappy about this whole thing and still affected by his actions. Ugggh. Live and learn.

School is tough, but I'm going to get this! I am not enjoying learning Excel and Word while I'm trying to take a statistics class. But I will! My psych class is great, though.

Friday my world got rocked a bit when I got an email from my L. My second mediation time is set up. H actually quit dragging his feet long enough to do it. It felt like a punch in the gut, but after a few hours I recovered. I should have set up GAL time rather than study time all weekend! But it did help me to have to concentrate on my school work and not on H.

Then he called the next day to talk about his experience getting the rest of the stuff from the house so I listened. I brought up our mediation date and he said he asked his L if we could just work it out on our own...discuss what I want and all that. Apparently she was ok with it. He was so nonchalant about it so I just said sure. I guess that's better than a costly mediator. So, if this "meeting" happens (its on him to cancel our appointment) ...then it happens. I just accept that he wants out.

Its less than a year since bomb drop. 9 months since he moved out. Less than a month since our house closed and I moved to my own apartment and started school. I try hard not to contact him unless its important. He keeps contacting me. I want to read into it, but there is always a "reason".

During his phone call he brought up a comedian who was interviewed on the news that he'd never heard of. He thought I might enjoy seeing his show since he was in town. I told him it was funny, that I listen to his radio show a lot and that my friend had just asked to go the night before...I would have gone if I had time. He said he thought the guy seemed like he might be fun to see and just thought I'd like that.

Funny. He keeps doing that. Bringing things up that he "thinks I would like" or "thinks I'd enjoy". Is he trying to help me find myself? Trying to see if he knows what I like? Trying to SHOW that he knows what I like? He said he felt my best bet at being happy was to be not married to him. Is he trying to help me to realize that? Trying to see if we still have interests in common? I know I over analyze and question, but its confusing.

I look back to when the bomb drop was and see...he's not so angry anymore. Maybe what he said to my D is true. The stress got to him and...he just didn't want to be married anymore. I'm still here. I hope he realizes someday that I am. I just feel I'm learning and changing so much and so fast. My newer friends tell me I've changed enormous amounts just in this past year (almost year). Who knows who I will be in a few years. This is so surreal.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Hi Ciluzen, just been catching up on your thread. I can understand you reading into it when your H keeps contacting you and suggesting things you would like. I would be reading into it too. It's so hard not to after so many years together, coupled with the fact that this separations is not of your doing or your wishes!

When H says that he thinks the best thing for you is to not be married to him I wouldn't be able to stop myself saying "I disagree, I love being married to you." or something similar.

Has he arranged a time with you to discuss the details that were supposed to be discusses at the mediation meeting? It seems like more stalling to me - and why would he be stalling if it is what he wants? Like you, I can't help but analyse it all.


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
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Hi IP! Thanks for stopping by.

No, H hasn't arranged a time to discus our D details yet. He did text me yesterday to tell me he was sent a refund check from our home insurance that he wanted to bring me. I told him I have a box of his stuff here and that he could drop by some day after work if he wanted and we could trade. He texted back that he could come tonight after work and then added, "(and after <activity I do with friends every week>!). I thought it was funny he felt the need to bring that up (its just a fun running group). I texted back that I can't do that activity until my class is over at the end of summer and gave him a time I would be home. So, I will actually see him tonight. I haven't seen him since we finished moving, 2 weeks ago.

My plan is to just be here to give him his stuff. I'm having no expectations of anything so that I'm prepared to be non-reactive to everything. If he brings up mediation or meeting to discuss D, I'll just go with it. I just will show acceptance and be pleasant. My confusion about his actions doesn't change my route on this journey. I'm just staying true to who I'm finding I am.

Although school is a bit difficult (I want top grades) and time consuming, I realize how lucky I am to have a job with summers off because I can throw myself into being a student and still have some time to be with my friends. I like my apartment and my dog is starting to get used to her new routines as well. I have fun activities planned (farmers market, live music and dinner at some fun food trucks last night, hiking tomorrow, comedy show and dinner on Saturday)to break up the studying. I'm thinking more and more about what will make me happy in life with or without H. I still have some major moments of missing his voice, his smell, talking with him about everything (I love how his mind works), his sense of humor...but that's ok. Its only been almost a year since BD. I have yet to be a week without some communication with him, so my last resort technique hasn't really happened yet. We are still linked by the last of the house sale details, our car insurance is still merged, and we have a few other things that need to be worked out. But we are supposedly 2 weeks away from our final mediation (and D). It looks like my true start to my LRT will be after D. Does that make me look too pathetic?

I truly believe its still worth the effort and hope.I still see something, not just from my side. I just don't know what that something is. So my door remains cracked.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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So, a quick update. H came over tonight to bring me the refund check. I had also wondered if he was bringing a "spousal maintenance check" as it was due by today (I'm ok without it, but its been a week early the past few months...hand delivered or directly deposited). But I didn't want to ask.

I told him I'd be here at 7ish and he said he'd be here at 7ish. I made sure I looked amazing, but casual. I had been fighting the urge to order barbecue from across the street- their big smoker was cranking out some amazing smells! I ended up making myself some dinner and cracked open a beer. So, an hour later he came over. There was no R talk- I greeted him like an old friend. He gave me the check, I gave him a box of things that will be his from now on (files and such) a well as some of his things from home.

We talked about my hair: I had to cut it to above my shoulders due to breakage and then I finally caved in and dyed it (it just looks like my old hair). He said it looked nice. No major compliment, but he did notice it was shorter. We talked about finance stuff...he wanted to know where I ended up putting the proceeds from the house so I told him where i put it, what investments I made, etc. He made no comments, just accepted it. We talked about our insurances and that we still have all of our cars together (he wondered if we could just keep them together even after divorce, after I said it was cheaper to have them together right now). He was tired, but there was no mention of talking about arrangements or mediation. Just very casual. I kept it light and even had him sit (he was standing but not leaving) and try some kombucha I got from a "meadery" at the farmer's market last night. He talked to the dog a bit.

So, something I noted. He texted me to tell me he wanted to give me the refund check. But he brought up that he had mailed the spousal support check and was surprised I didn't get it yet. Why not mail the refund check as well?


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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He wanted to do a temperature check and also to pick up a few things. As far as auto insurance, I wouldn't advise keeping the insurance together once you are divorced. I know it's cheaper to keep it all together, but he needs to realize that divorce means the separation of everything, however, that's your choice if you opt to remain "attached" by an insurance premium.

Your handled the visit very well. I'm sure he had a lot to think about once he left.

Try to enjoy your weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Yes, that's what I thought, too, Job. That he wanted to temp check. Or just check.

I attributed it to tiredness on his part, but he seemed awkward...like he wasn't sure what he wanted to do while at my apartment. I just tried to be light. It took him 5 minutes to look at me when he first showed up...he greeted the dog, handed me the check and some other mail which we discussed. Then he looked right at me and said, "its not that short!", in a surprised way. He was referring to my hair. I had mentioned that my hair had been breaking off all at the same level and that I had to cut it short...he apparently had visions of a boy cut, not the just above shoulder length that I got. I also showed him that I dyed it. He immediately talked about how he hadn't done that yet. I told him he didn't need to...his gray looked good on him.

When he mentioned that he had mailed the other check, I said, "so that's why you wanted my address!" (smiling). He looked surprised, then said "well, that and other things". He had a funny frown on his face that I couldn't read.

I know I still dwell on his every interaction with me, but I kind of do that with everyone. But more so H because I'm still baffled by his behavior most times. I do know this. He is in a weird spot that he got himself into. IF he ever considered reconciliation, he has some difficult issues to overcome.

Everything I've read about piecing demands that OW must be out of the picture. Here's where things get tricky.
A) The vacation home is partly (very tiny amount) owned by Bubbles'family. He is tied to her because of that. We could buy them out, but
B) Bubbles brings all of the fun to the vacation spot. She has kids, kids have friends, those friends have parents... she brings tons of people to vacation home, H has become friends with them (or at least is very social) and that would be something he wouldn't give up. It reminds him of his big family gatherings at his grandparents' vacation home, I'm sure.
C) Bubbles does the same at H's office. She has brought in so many clients that I know if she left it might impact his business in a big way. He's great at what he does, but client loyalty is a risk. After I caught wind of his time spent alone with her 3 years ago, during one of my "venting sessions" to him about it, he yelled (frustrated), "what do you want me to do? Fire her? She works hard for me!" I see that he is a bit conflicted.

I know we're not even close to piecing, but I've made it very clear to him how I feel about her and how I'm not a point where I'm ready to forgive or even want to look at her. I have my boundaries. I wonder if, when we have such great interactions at times if he is weighing those factors against R? I feel that he has chosen her over me, but at this point I don't see that being an easy web to disentangle from.
I wonder sometimes if I took that pressure off of him, let him know that I have my own friends and interests now and that I can accept that he can have his, if I let go of the Bubbles issue, just really let it go (I don't have to be friends with her), if that would give him any freedom to make a different decision?

We're a little over one week away from mediation. I feel I have to let him make the effort to set up contact with me if he doesn't want to do the appointment. But I also feel that if we talk financials for D that that is not the time to bring up what I just mentioned above. I'm realizing that I'm going to have to be one of those people that has to just let D happen.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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