People are very much aware that your situation is sensitive and they don't know what to say or do, or even approach you because they know you are hurt and dealing w/a lot of pain right now. Your h, on the other hand, appears to be Mr. Social Butterfly and is acting all happy, etc., so they reach out to him w/questions. It's not that you have become a pariah, they don't know how to approach you since all of this mess went down. Have you reached out to any of them since your situation went south? If you didn't, that might have sent a red flag for them to step away and allow you time to find your footing. Also, about your h, you don't know what he's told them about the situation and how you are dealing w/it.
As for your h, he should have suggested that they give you a call rather than him responding to them questions, concerns, etc.
I am very sorry. In time, you'll begin to figure out who you can rely on and who will be there in your time of need. Once the dust settles, you'll most likely come across some of these people and they'll begin to open up about why they've not reached out to you. Sit quietly, the answers will come and I'm betting on your h being behind some of this distancing of friends and people that were in your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That's just the thing, Job. I DID reach out to them. I made a major effort to call and text more, go to their kids sporting events (usually H arranged that) and keep up socially, went to every event I was invited to, and even tried to invite them to mine. I was pleasant and they seemed fine that I was there. But on their end? Crickets.
The almost end of it was when my entire social group spent New Years Eve at OUR vacation home...and I wasn't invited. I didn't think I was invited...that wasn't the problem. It was that everyone chose to have it there and all WENT. I swallowed that and got mostly over it, continued to reach out. But then I threw myself a b-day party (daughter took it over)...first ever since I was married. NOT ONE showed up. That was the end. But I am still very hurt about it.
I am an introvert. I have had to really push to form a support group...and have gotten some very cool people in my life because of it. I practice being thankful for the great people I've met on this crazy journey everyday. They have been so amazing and do the most caring things. It inspires me to reach out more to others...I'm learning how true friends act toward each other. But my anger at wasting up to almost 20 years on these other people is not waning. Its growing. And its an emotion I don't like and I worry that it will just spread as a cancer.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I am so sorry that these "so called" friends have distanced themselves from you. Evidently they no longer felt the need to be true friends and have gone on w/the "crowd" that hangs w/your h. Gosh, it's hard to swallow when they act like this.
I'm glad you have the support group and in that group are some new friends. People in the support group have a far better understanding of what happened and know exactly what you have and continue going thru. They will become your true friends. As the old saying goes true friends will stand by you no matter what and when a situation happens, they will stand by you. The shallow friends will fall by the wayside and you will then begin to see them for what they represent and yes, you'll weed them out of your circle of friends.
Feel the hurt, take the anger out on a pillow and then consider the source. If they truly were friends of yours, they would have been supportive and been right there helping you to pack and move. Use the anger to spur you on to bigger and better things.
Again, I am very sorry that these "friends" were not there for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So. He came over (his day off) to do more packing. I was getting ready to go to work. I told him I had a request of him when it came to people asking him about me or arranging things through him that have to do with me. He said, "yeah, just don't tell them anything". I said, "No. Please suggest that if they need something from me or want to know about me that they should call ME." He agreed to do that.
It should have stopped there, but H expressed how he had also been thinking about what I said while upset the day before. That no one asked me how I was doing. H told me no one asks him either. I said I was sorry about that. But they at least interacting with him often and are seeing him and talking with him. He agreed with that.
I told him the people I had made friends with were teaching me that real friends reach out to one another or check on each other when they know a friend is having a hard time. That I had never gotten that from our social group. Did he? He said no.
I then asked him if he ever felt that he was being used. He adamantly said yes. I asked if he really enjoyed having friends like that. His reply was that he would rather be used than use others.
There was more, but it got scrambled together as I was trying g to leave for work. But I wonder if he felt I was just using him?
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
MLCers often think that we use them, i.e., look to them to be sperm donors, nothing more than a pay check, or a handyman. It's their screwed up mentality during their depression that has them thinking this way. They haven't looked in the mirror lately to see just how much they take for granted and that they expect us to be there for them and their every whim.
Bottom line...a marriage takes two people and they should work together and it's a give and take...not all one sided of giving (which is a large majority of cases, the LBS has done).
Your h has a lot to think about. I'm glad you had another short discussion w/him about the "friends".
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ciluzen I cannot even begin to describe how I feel about my own "so called" friends. When H and I met he got to know my friends and later worked with two of them at a restaurant. I have never been jealous or insecure, and I never felt like I had to worry about my friends and H's relationship / friendship. Over the last few months H has "innocently" brought up things that he couldn't (and shouldn't) have known, but it didn't register with me at the time that something was wrong. Until one day he said something about a flirt of mine ages before we met that only very close friends of mine knew about. And then the penny dropped: somebody close to me has been telling him stuff that about my past that had nothing to do with him, and god knows what else! He has mentioned some more things since then, even secrets about my feelings and frustrations within my relationship with H! Who needs enemies when you have friends like this?
I am not blaming what is happening with H and I to those secrets, but could they have played a part? When H and started dating we agreed we would not talk about our past but clearly the rules changed and he didn't think to mention it to me. Worse part is, I don't know who it is that betrayed me. When I go back home for the summer I will try to find out who it was, however if that fails I will simply have to let go of those toxic friendships.
I am so sorry you have been betrayed, it is so lonely and horrible to be attacked in so many fronts.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Yes, the friends thing is hurtful and I'm sorry that happened. In our sitch, most people split right down the middle and were either 'mine' or 'his' - and I didn't have a problem with the reaction of friends. The big problem I had was with XH's family, whom I got along with well and we went on holiday together.
They have barely checked in on me - a couple of curt responses to early emails. Some non-responses and one chatty email from MIL in response to one of mine. I've found it hard to get beyond them not being there for me at all during such a difficult time. They are transatlantic, so I wouldn't have seen much of them - but HXW has been much more supportive than they have! I have no time for them now.
It takes time, but we get through these things and let them go hopefully.
Take care Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Apparently,, you won't get the "friends" in the D. But clearly those are not the kind of friends you want anyway! (You will just have to go out and make better friends--as hard as that might be for you.) I found out during this debacle that my sisters were not really as supportive of ME as I would have liked/hoped. Sure they were worried and concerned and hated H with a passion, but the decisions were mine to make. They just wanted me to kick him out, leave him, etc. Yet a friend whose own H had an affair, called me everyday to check on ME. Or texted me to see how I was. She is a TRUE friend.
PS--I love your war/MLC analogy too. How fitting.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
Hi Ciluzen. I'm sorry all of these 'friends' turned out to not be such good ones after all. There has never been a truer saying than the one about finding out who your friends are in times of trouble. I have found this to be very true these last few months. Some, at first, seemed to be there but turned out to only want a bit of juicy gossip from the situation, others 'sided' with H immediately and cut off contact, some ran for the hills and some, who have shown themselves to be the truest of friends despite only exchanging Christmas and birthday cards for the last few years! I think with regards to 'joint' friends, we never really know what story our WAH is telling them about the split. I don't think my H is honest with anyone about the real reasons for our situation, because that would mean him admitting his faults and I know he never does that.
I hope you find some true friends to support you and brighten your life as you continue on this new journey.
As for your recent conversation with WAH, I agree with Job, remember how they like to rewrite our entire histories! To listen to my H I am ungrateful and awful and all manner of things. Single handedly bringing up our two children the past 11+ years because of his work commitments as well as running our home and everything to do with it, and remaining faithful and loyal despite being dealt a very different hand from him? Nothing, not a mention, it doesn't count. I am now likening it to the 'rose tinted spectacles' saying, but in reverse. They have 'mud tinted spectacles' - no wonder they cannot see anything clearly, be it present or past!
I'm sorry too that you have to face some human being flaws.
Holding so much frustration because the reaction of some friends is not good only for you.
If you think about cleaning your closet, there will always be some pieces that are not so attractive anymore. Some you never really liked and were there just because.
You can and the opportunity is being given to you, to do that cleaning, and keep the pieces that really matter to you.
If one or two of those friendship is really what you want in your life, then why not talk to those friends and honestly ask if they are feeling uncomfortable with the situation. If they are truly friends, then the ice will be broken and everyone will move on from the rest zone.
But, if you look deep inside yourself and find you don't really need them, the best is to let go and mske piece with yourself.
Remember that number is not quality. You may have one good friend that will enrich your life with happiness then 10 friends that you need to be fake.
Just my 2cents sweetie. But the way I read it, it seems this situation is giving you extra pain that you do not need at the moment. The more you run after, the more they will run away. Give some time for them too.
