I've decided, as I sit here waiting for my ragtag mix of a moving crew, that this is a War of MLC vs the Spouse. And the spouse gets a lovely midlife reboot because of it. This war requires strength, patience, bravery, and some major ongoing strategic analysis. There will have to be a bit of behind the scene politics. A bit of espionage. Victories and defeats, small and large. And, at some unknown time in the future, a peaceful agreement to either unify or co-exist. But its a war, not just a battle. And wars last a long time, with many battles and cease-fires.
Right now, we are in a cease-fire. Relatively peaceful, no R talk, but I'm planning my next moves forward. Not knowing what H is doing behind the scenes or under the radar, I have to be ready for anything. I've lost a lot of ground, a few key properties, and a few allies. But I've gained new allies and acquired much more knowledge and skills. I'm resetting my headquarters. I'm in this til the end, and I'm a "never say die" type of gal.
War is hell.
Ok, I haven't had much sleep, and I'm being a bit silly today. But seriously. H is making jokes about bringing vodka and lighter fluid to help me move (he is NOT helping me move). I can afford to be a little silly and warmonger-ish today.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
It's okay to be silly. You know what you need to do and you are doing it the best way you can. Yes, it's a war and it does take a long time to overcome MLC and what it does not only to the MLCer, but to the spouse as well.
I hope your move today goes smoothly and you can then relax a bit tomorrow. Be careful lifting on heavy items.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ciluzen - I love your MLC war post! It's like a real-life version of Risk.
Best of luck with your move.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I love the MLC war analogy too! It is a war isn't? A war that we were not prepared for, did not sign up for, but ultimately must prepare for it in the best way we can.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
So, update and quick journal on move. I'm sure I'll look back on all of this some day from a completely different perspective and see and feel things I can't even imagine.
D23 had "taken the day off" with her boyfriend to help move, but realized last week they took the wrong day off. She said they could still manage if it was a morning move, but then midway through this week realized that wouldn't work. But assured me that two of her guy friends would help. They were no shows.
High school kid I know had a baseball game later in the day but was bringing friends...he showed they didn't.
So...my friend (young female), high school kid, and H were the only one's here at designated time. We loaded what we could in our vehicles while waiting for D25 and her H to show up with truck and large trailer (they were 3 hours late!).
We got it done.
I didn't want H to help, but he did. Even to the extent of taking things out of my hands or calling h.s. kid over to replace whoever was helping me. He "took charge". I have to admit, though, his help was very much appreciated as we were a little short on muscle.
When we got done at apartment, we all sat around eating pizza and beer (soda for h.s. kid) and talking. They loved the apartment and it was kind of a party.
Everyone left but H and we just talked about kids and family (mostly him talking) and he wanted to explore the complex so we walked around. He's always been a very curious and inquisitive guy, so I'm not reading into behavior. He explained that he needed to go back to the house before he went to vacation home (his weekend home, now) and that we should go by way of the scenic drive by the state park (shorter but curvier and narrower than how we came...tough for SIL with large truck and trailer. We were in separate vehicles.
At the house he worked on packing up garage again and I attempted to work on house, but he kept calling me out to ask questions or show me what he was doing. He then said he was taking stuff to the recycle center and told me I was going, too (I raised the eyebrows at him...he corrected to asking). Did I say he fights his controlling nature?
On the way there he told me my friend seemed to be in a bad mood. I explained she was protective of me and that she was miffed at D23 for bailing on me and D25 for being 3 hours late. H added, "and she doesn't like me much". So I explained that I don't say bad things about him, but while most of my friends that know of our situation are supportive of me and my choices of how to deal with it, there are two in particular that think he is so horrible that I should hate him. He nodded and told me that what he is doing to me is horrible and awful. I agreed, but said "it is the choice you made. I respect your right to make it." He just said "it is."
He kept prying into conversations between my friend and those of the others that helped in such a way to show that he was concerned about what they might think of him. I didn't take the bait, but I guess from convos later with D25 that everyone was making comments about H being controlling and stubborn and having to be "right". He at one point was insisting that we fit a large tv into h.s. kids back seat of his truck. It looked like it wouldn't fit so the others cleared space in another vehicle and kept saying there was plenty of room in the other. H.s kid was very worried about H trying to shut the tv in and possibly breaking the window. H worked for 10 minutes on it, ignoring everyone's comments and pleas. He finally shut the door (carefully)and it fit. I tried to diffuse the tension by laughingly declaring, "Awww! I hate when you're proven right!" To which my friend said, "Especially him", as she walked away.
I can't mind read. H was acting like H always has. It hasn't really bothered me in the past (his controlling, bossy side)because he was usually right, though I know it has bothered others. His whole family is that way, I've seen them in action. But I realized, he is more and more aware of how others feel about it. And he is not as often "right" in his decision making or choices. I get the feeling that he is starting to realize that some of his decisions weren't so good. His insecurity slip is showing. As for me, with all that has gone on and my newly forming philosophy of letting others be themselves; it bothers me even less (if you can believe it). I told him he could help me move more smaller things in today, if he wanted (his suggestion). I can be grateful for the help and he likes to feel needed. Why not? Its actually a 180 for me.
One week left of house stuff, so much to do. I still won't be sleeping there until tomorrow night; I want my dog to enjoy her farm-dog freedom for a bit longer.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I'm so sorry that things fell thru w/the help...but in the end, you got moved. I'm sure you are tired today and will be happy when everything is unboxed and put away. Moving is always a chore and a lot of hard work. I'm glad this part of the move has been completed for you.
Try to rest a bit today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry the move started in such a messy manner, but well done for getting everything done even after all the no shows and delays! I'm not sure what to say about your H's help / attitude. Like you, I'm not a mind reader, and I cannot work out the MLC brain anyway. You should be proud of your shift of behaviour though, your philosophy is what I aspire to do too. I first became more accepting of others faults/quirks as S10 was being diagnosed with ASD. It made me reevaluate my opinion of (and relationship with) my MIL and I really want to do the same with H and others around me. Still got some way to go with H though..
I hope the rest of the move and settling in goes smoothly.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Well, that sounded like a challenging move and well done for keeping your cool through all of that. I hope the rest of the transition goes smoothly & I look forward to hearing how you are settling in to your new place.....it sounds lovely!
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just had to sound the retreat to avoid major casualties in todays unexpected skirmish in MLC vs Spouse War. Not even a battle with H as much as a psychological battle with myself.
As I've said before, my so-called friends disappeared when H left. That was partly my fault for relying on him to be communicator (he and Bubbles did a lot of the planning of our events and outings and also he spoke to everyone at work or was not afraid of talking to everyone in person, in his office, or via text or phone). I made an effort to communicate after he left, but it was pretty obvious they didn't know what to do with me. I stopped going to parties and book club, things H would never go to anyway, when I realized no one asked how I was and didn't call outside of those events.
Anyway, I have a lot of emotions about that with no place to put them.
H and I have done well together this weekend, but the morning of the move he mentioned how he was talking with two of the ladies at work that I do communicate with. They both asked him if I needed help moving. That rubbed me the wrong way as I wondered why they would ask him instead of me, but I also had not spoken to them myself to ask for help. I let it mostly go.
Then today H and I were discussing putting our freezer in storage. He then mentioned that another person had spoken to him about some of the pork we had purchased before he moved out and that I had made an arrangement with them...I lost it. I said, "that person has my number and I have done nothing to anyone and done nothing to give anyone the impression that I wouldn't speak with them if they called!" I then excused myself because I was starting to cry and told him to give me time to get control.
Basically, I'm not sure why people I thought were my friends would suddenly not call me when he left. Now I have to hear that they ask about me or things I can answer but he can't, but they would rather go to him than pick up the phone and ask me. I just feel...abandoned. Like a total pariah. What the h#ll did I do?
I guess I just really need to get this house sold and find a counselor. These emotions are taking their toll. Being patient with H is a piece of cake compared to my feelings about the people that were in my life.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
