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#2684578 06/10/16 03:00 AM
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Tofbrks Offline OP
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Here is my story and it sounds very similar to most on here.
M- 15yrs
D8 D13
H45 W 43
On Mother's Day weekend I had the BD on me , softly at first.
It starts with the "are you happy" talk.. when I said it's ok but could be better, she unloaded on me spouting off that she hast been for a long time... Blah blah blah...
The words sounded like a mlc playbook.. The lybnilwy phrase... Done with m and didn't know if she could ever get back that "feeling"... So what do I do but turn into a blubbering idiot about how sorry I am and listing off some of the things she hurt me with- limited contact and physical touch.
This pursuit has been going on for a month now with me trying to figure out where I stand and what was going on. She had agreed to goto counseling , her choice, and sugested Christian based counseling .. Ok by me. We agreed on pastor at our church. It was a disaster.He told her no way out unless I hit her or cheated. Neither were going to happen so she felt trapped and did not participate ... Ended in 2 sessions. I also was using him to help guide me through this time ... She found out and was livid! Neededless to say he sugested we seek profession help.
I have been in a kind of limbo heck ever since. I did get letter- typed- telling me how she felt. More of the same ...done with marriage , how she is the bad guy, my faults , wants us to part and see if she misses me, kids will be ok. I am still searching for a reason or logic in her choice. Can't seem to find any. This same wording carries over to any talk of M and a R ... Which she says she doesn't think her "feelings" will change.
Much of the problem stems from money and lack of it. I provide all of our basic needs, I pay for our house, power, ect ect ect... She uses her $ for kids activities her expenses... Gas , clothes, kids clothes, her credit cards ect. We carry a high debt load cause we did live beyond our means... Not splurgy but a slow taper that built up. Along with that and increase burden from W taking job that paid less to make her happy... I work a lot of hrs.
So after a while I just stick my head down and power through it , thinking she is doing the same at home. Well I guess she did for a while and now can't. We did shut down emotionally towards the M. I offered little support and she retaliated with tapering off sex which was mediocre at best. Often complained of self image and not feeling sexy - which I never ever went anywhere near - loved her any shape or form she was in.
I have been working hard to make changes , ones she let out in our mc sessions.
Fast forward to now... After finding this site I have started to use some of the techniques.

I think I am dealing with a loss of respect, what woman wants to do it with a man they don't respect. The sex cut off/down lack of enthusiasm hurt. Like she didn't love me ... And this I see now had been there for a while. Either this loss came from my bending at home to to take burdens off her- help w/ kids chores ect or loss from our emotional detachment. Either way I used family events not real significant to get back... I just didn't go. I never put pressure on her to have sex but she did say she felt guilty for not doing more. I let her initiate to save the rejection on me... If your a go then I'm ready at anytime.
Somewhere along the line I lost my balls .. Don't know where they went but need them back ... Think that their absence may be the roof of the problem. Or perhaps a combo...not that closed minded
So now on to "now"... She has requested "space"... To see if we miss each other and to decide where we go from here. She has agreed to go to mc. We both went alone to start and have our first joint session next tue. Our space agreement has been tedious at best. We sleep in separate rooms and have since D8 was born. Co sleeper... I try to make myself scarce and be there for D8D13. We told them about our problems last Sunday and went ok.. A few q's but nothing bad... No crying
She has proposed that we leave kids as is and that W and I rotate house ... W goes to moms and I do the same.
Other than a few things... Me being paranoid about affairs , putting gps on car and checking phone bill... Confronting about lies on whereabouts and company kept...you guys know it all.

I want to save this marriage and have told her so ... She keeps asking why haven't you left yet or got mad yet. Told her I am here and always will be here... Now looking back not such a great statement to make. So that's where I am today, a wife that doesn't love me and wants to leave but no mention of a permanent divorce.
I did already see an lawyer and know where I stand ... Child support , spousal support , assets ect... pretty much how it all will play out. She has no clue of an exit plan I do know.

Here for guidance .....


Me:47 XW 43
D15 D10
Together 17 married 15
Bd : Mother's Day 2015
Sep :July 2015
Divorce final October 2016
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Tofbrks Offline OP
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I caved a little this am ... I maintain cars and she txt me this am saying her car was still making that noise . Did she need to get someone to look at it or would I?
I sent back that I would. 😞


Me:47 XW 43
D15 D10
Together 17 married 15
Bd : Mother's Day 2015
Sep :July 2015
Divorce final October 2016
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 142
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Tofbrks Offline OP
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Doing better after the car call... Not once have I asked about her goings on this weekend ... As she has free evening tonight. Didn't ask about anything , when I left I said have s good day and told d8 I lover and see her tonight.

Likewise she did not ask about my Saturday free night , yet. I offered no info and I'm not going to.

It gets hard at times going through the day knowing it will never be the same, but then again it should never be like that again - start over .

How do I determine what catagory to place my wife in? Waw ww or just so resentful and pissed off she wants out... 3 dif senarios 3 dif ways to approach?


Me:47 XW 43
D15 D10
Together 17 married 15
Bd : Mother's Day 2015
Sep :July 2015
Divorce final October 2016
Joined: Apr 2014
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Hello Tofbrks,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Don't be too hard on yourself regarding agreeing to look at the car.

Good job by not asking about her evening plans and not offering info on your plans.

Rather than focusing in what category she is in, focus on yourself. Put all of your time, effort and energy into being the best Tofbrks and dad on the planet.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Welcome aboard. Your story is very common, and it's good you found the DB board. Based on your W's attitude of disrespect, anger, etc., I suspect she has become wayward toward you and the MR. I believe the WW has a ton of resentment in her heart, and the feeling of disrespect begins to overflow into her actions. She blames her H for her lack of feelings for him. When she decides to leave the M, it is an act of rebellion. She is looking for greener pastures.

With the WAW, I believe there is more of a legitimate reason for her leaving. Maybe her H was abusive, refused to provide for his family, was into illegal practices, was an alcoholic or drug user, imprisoned, complete neglect, numberous adulerous affairs, etc. Her leaving is seen more as a means of survival......or else has lost all hope. Whereas, with a wayward wife, her leaving is an act of rebellion, and everything is based on her feelings. She may say she has given up on the H or M, but really, she's just done.

Usually, a WAW would not have a problem in being willing to work at saving the M, if the H will do what he is suppose to do and/or correct the things that drove her away. Whereas, the wayward wife is not willing to even try. The WAW may not want to end the M, but just doesn't know what else to do. The WW is intent on the H knowing it's over (regardless of her leaving or not) and her own selfishness is her motivation behind her actions.

I would think that it shouldn't be a complete shock to a sorry-a$$ed man to see his WAW slipping through his fingers. I have seen that whenever a WW drops the bomb on her H, he is usually shocked beyond words. No matter what he says or promises to do, the WW is not willing. Another significant distinction is that a WW almost always has an agenda to live the single's "lifestyle". Either by acting like Girls Gone Wild, jumping from one man to the other, or she already has eyes on a particular man. All of these type of behaviors are not the normal characteristic of the girl you married. It is as though she has totally turned into someone you no longer know. She may have been devoted to her spiritual beliefs. She might would have been eligible for the mother of the year award. None of that matters now. The WW will put their selfish wants before their own children. Keep your eyes open and see if these things start to surface.

Those are my opinion about the two. MWD does not separate them and lumps them together under WAW'S. After many years of studying this subject, and observing the board and others in life........I most definitely believe there are two types. I also believe the more wayward the W, the tougher the love the H needs to apply.

I have written several threads on the subject, if you are interested. It is listed on Cadet's post.

I encourage you to post every chance you get, read other posts, and especially read the links in Cadet's post.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks for the clarity it is needed badly. She says resentment ha built up to a point to which she cannot see herself recovering.. BUT there is always wording (reading too much into it know but ...) to leave a door open - a crack but open nonetheless. Earlier I pushed for a choice... Work on m or file for divorce. She backed down saying divorce sounded permanent.... Wtf? We still live in same house but time together is stressful... Trying to avoid someone in a 3br house is almost impossible.
I have seen a decay in her decisions , almost like she is giving herself permission to behave badly... Hey you earned it suffering all that time ...😂
So are the dr and db techniques going to work? I know I am going to try.. Slowly taking my balls back... If for no other reason but to have to give to the next woman😄


Me:47 XW 43
D15 D10
Together 17 married 15
Bd : Mother's Day 2015
Sep :July 2015
Divorce final October 2016
Joined: May 2016
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Originally Posted By: Tofbrks
Slowly taking my balls back... If for no other reason but to have to give to the next woman😄


Sorry, but this made me chuckle... Personally I think you should get them back and keep them this time.

as for the rest of your questions, DB does work, because it's all about you. It's making yourself whole (balls and all), building confidence and love for yourself, making yourself someone only a fool would leave.

It doesn't sound to me your WW is to far gone, mine wouldn't give me the time of day but when I mentioned D she backed down, now two months later we are piecing, and that's after finding out about an A.

Did you read Cadets homework links? Start detaching, GAL and doing 180s, they are all for you, and if your true to yourself in doing them your WW may take notice, but even if she doesn't, you'll be well prepared to handle things as they come.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Quote:
So are the dr and db techniques going to work? I know I am going to try


I am hesitant to say, b/c so many people seem to have this concept that DBing is some type of bubble gum technique for spineless men who are afraid to stand up to their disrespectful behaving W. MWD does sound a lilttle soft in places, and personally, I think the subject of the waywardness in women is extremely important and it is not covered in the book. I just don't believe the WW and the WAW are alike. And since we see a growing number of H's with a wayward wife..........I think it should be addressed.

The biggest thing I have disagreed about is her advice to start by becoming their friend. I have never seen this work with the H being the spouse left behind, and the woman the wayward. I might see it working if the tables are turned and it is a man who is the wayward........b/c of differences in sexual dynamics. However, when the woman is wayward, she does not respect the H as a man or her husband. The very makeup of the female requires her to respect the man before she can feel desire for him. That's one of the basic differences between men & women. She has to respect him first, then the loving feelings return.

When a H tries to DB and by-passes the respect issue, he will not be successful, IMHO. She may stay in the M. She may even have sex with him. She may even be able to fool him for a while. However, she will never be truly happy and won't feel in love with him.........b/c she still holds resentment and disrespect in her heart. To me, that is not a successful M.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Great just who I wanted to chime in .. Sandi2!!!!
I would like to give this a shot ... And I know each sitch is different but any eye opening advice I how to get the respect back? ... I exaggerate when I say my balls are hers...but do agree their is a level of I wouldn't say loss of respect but maybe the level of respect... If that makes sense. Throw in a 40th BD a death of close friend load of two demanding kids and the recipe changes a little. She often talks of feelings of being overwhelmed...am I alighting rod for all that is wrong?

Is there any path to R?


Me:47 XW 43
D15 D10
Together 17 married 15
Bd : Mother's Day 2015
Sep :July 2015
Divorce final October 2016
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