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I've had s14 this weekend. He is doing well and occupying himself by playing Pokémon Go.

I am being annoyed by W. First, she tells me that I have to tell s14 that he is going to the high school by my place (which is a switch) RIGHT NOW. I told W that I would tell s14 once we have a final divorce order filed.

And of course, W's response "it's already finished". As W has said for the past 3 years, we are already divorced.

Then less than a week after we mediated the big issues like where s14 would attend school in the fall, W asked me whether I would agree to letting s14 go to high school kinda near her. She thinks she can get a waiver. And om and her are going to buy a house in that school district next year. Sigh. No, I will not agree to it.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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That's right. Stick by your guns.

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I am at a weird stage in the grieving process of the death of my marriage. I want to hurt W - not physically, but emotionally.

I want to say insults to her, be judgmental and criticize her, and to make sure she understands how much she has hurt me. I want her to understand what a horrible person she is. I don't want to forgive her, I want God to make her life miserable and for God to throw some serious 'Wrath of God' cr@p into W and om's lives.

I know this is not healthy. I have been thru Divorce Care and know that I have to first start by being willing to forgive her. But there was something about W saying before the last mediation that she was going to reveal private things I told her from our marriage that makes me feel even more betrayed by her. And I want to get her back.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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The best revenge is living well, truly. What are your plans for your future? Dreams? I know finances have been difficult...... Have you thought of ways to increase your income and financial stability?

How about friends and social life?

It's much easier to deal with BS from an ex when your life is together and happy. And although I know that sounds like a distant dream, there are things you can and should be doing right now to take steps towards your dream future.

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wet,

At one point I felt similar to you regarding inflicting some pain. My view is this is normal. It's a shock that the life you were living is no more and the person who chose that was your best friend and partner in this journey. It gives you the fuel to eventually move on.

I'm approx 7 yrs give or take post BD. I'm in that place where the best revenge is a life well lived. It does take some time and internal fortitude to get there. You will get there too. Give yourself a break about how you feel right now. This will pass as I think it's part of the process.

I've followed your story from the beginning. You are doing great. Keep moving forward and getting out and doing your thing.

Mirage

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kml and mirage, you both are great. Yes, living a good life is the ultimate revenge.

As I think more about why I am now feeling so much anger towards W, I think it also is b/c everything right now is so much out of my control. I have the divorce papers here, and all they need is my signature.

Also, d21 moved in with W, and d21 is supposed to be in MY corner. 2 years ago when d21 was living with me, she did not even acknowledge W on Mother's Day. Yes, d21 is moving on with her life, and allowing a better relationship with W/her Mom. It seems everyone is doing better, but me.

Oh and sure. My last post I was kinda hoping to see a little "Wrath of God" against W and om. Sure enough, earlier today W was in a car accident. shocked She is ok, but "her whole body hurts". How did I become so uncaring, as I feel nothing about W being hurt so bad? confused

I think I will go back to Divorce Care tomorrow night, try to find some healing for myself, and see if there is anyone in the group who needs my help.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 181
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Wet,

You speak about control(that you have little).

I think "Control is an illusion". We like to think we have control of our lives. We have control whether we put a smile on that day and choose to have a good attitude but other then that not really.

That was one of the great lessons I learned through all of this. I did not control my exw, I did not control my children, I did not control her family, my family or even the situation. I did have control of determining whether I grew my internal strength sufficient enough to help me through all the things I could not control.

There was a movie with Anthony Hopkins and Cuba Gooding called instinct. If you ever watch it make sure you see the scene in the jail cell where Hopkins Character is choking Goodings in the movie and what Hopkins says to him. It's actually a lesson we all need to learn. "We need to give up the illusion that we have control"

Just some random thoughts from my journey.....and what a wonderful journey it is.

Mirage

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WET it is normal to want to hurt the person that has hurt you. I had my fantasies also. But they go away after some time. Than you want the best for them especially if you have children. So don't dwell on those thoughts cause that's all they are,thoughts. It is part of the healing. Look up the grievance process by Kubler Ross. It may help you understand a little better.

You said that everyone seems to be doing better but you. You don't really know that. I thought the same about me at the time. Remember that the WAS build a facade of happiness for the world to see. That is all it is.

Grieve my friend. Feel what you are feeling. Better days are coming....


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Thank you Mirage for your thoughts on the illusion of control. And thank you Rick for letting me know its alright to grieve the death of my marriage.

I did it. I signed the Divorce papers today and emailed them to W's divorce attorney. The final Order is now only days away.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
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Tom, you can't see the future, so you never know what it will bring. Regardless, you couldn't rebuild your marriage on a foundation of rubble. So clear it away. Starting all over can be scary, thrilling and nerve-wracking all at once. I found that I felt I was dropped right back in my 20's before I got married. So much seemed possible then. The difference now is that I still have two kids at home. I just have to figure out a new way to make everything possible again

This can happen with you too. Take it slow and everything will fall into place.
Big hugs. kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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