Weird Reaction

[StepUp]

Step up, you'll be ok, a mistake doesn't end everything, but it does set you back. The key is consistency, and a mistake breaks up the consistency.

When you say you rarely step up to your WW, I just want to make sure it's clear that we are not suggesting you get angry, or loud, or any other attack mode. It's letting her know that you are not ok with something, and what the consequence of such action is if it's done (boundaries). I.e. We are married and it is not ok for you to come home at all hours of the night, I will be locking the doors at 11pm... Or, I will not live in or be a part of a open marriage, I will not share the marital bed with a cheater, etc... Re read the validation and boundaries links that cadet gave you on page 1.

Also, edit your profile to identify your sitch, just go to my stuff, then click on edit profile and go to the bottom.. See my stuff below this to get an idea of what to put.

Not violent, nowhere near. just passive, allowing her to have her way in most situations

[sandi2]

The list I was reading from Sandi2 said she should take a hit with a hard, maybe painful consequence of some kind.

I think this is when she knows the H is aware she's lying and there is some type of inappropriate contact with a third person.

I had to laugh when I read about her packing and wanting you to stop her, then sitting in the car wanting you to go get her. This is so typical of women.

I agree that you should confront her. My point in the WW threads about confrontation is for the H not to think confrontation, alone, is going to stop the A or wake her up. Many men think it will shock the W back into sanity again, or to see remorse......but it doesn't work. Confrontation should be to inform her that you know the truth and you plan to take steps to protect yourself. He doesn't have to tell what those plans are. He is not the one in the hot seat.

In your case, I believe you need to approach her and inform her that you know she's been deceitful. If she starts pulling you in by asking, "How, when, what did she do", don't start giving her details, b/c she is going to lie her way around it. Don't reveal your souce of intell, b/c she will turn it around and make it all about you invading her privacy. Just tell her you are aware and you will not tell her how you received the information (as though someone might have told, instead of suggesting you read it).

Whenever things arise about the money, her not sleeping with you, etc., just tell her, "I believe if the situation were reversed, you would have no problem understanding where I stand at this time".

Here's the thing........do not argue with her. Don't avoid her, but don't try to "explain" your reasons for what you do. She knows perfectly well why! It's just a woman's way of pulling in the man to argue and someway try to make him think he is wrong. Make your statement, then turn around and walk away.

Another response you can give when she is wanting something crom you is, "Considering the situation, I'm sure you will understand my refusal".

With a wayward, you must stand up to her. You simply cannot show a few moments of strength and then cave b/c she's squeezing out some tears or having a pity party. You did great the other night.....until she complained about her poor back. It may feel or sound cold, but you have to toll the line, b/c she will manipulate you like crazy. She has manipulated you all this time.

Did you search for no more mr. nice guy?

[StepUp]

So.... this post will not be what you expected.

Friday evening she comes home and calls me to get in the car with her. She asks why there is only 3 bucks in the account and when was I going to tell her. I said today when she got home.

I said you are living as a single lady and that is not acceptable. I ask for her phone she hands it over. I go the thread of the guy she is having the EA with. I said the convo talks about you loving to spend time with "her panda bear" she says that panda bear is gay just like her other friend "sunshine" whom i do know about who is gay. She gets uber pissed. I than apologize stating I thought she was cheating but she is still living as a single woman. She asks why I cut the money off an affair does not cost anything. I said if one suspects someone of cheating that is what you are supposed to do. so she is really mad and she was crying. she goes to sleep. She wakes up a bit later and tells me that I probably won't approve but she has been in contact with one of her ex boyfriends over the years and he is offering her a place to stay she just wants to make sure she goes over the particulars before she accepts his offer. I become irritated because she knows I do like him the least over all of the male relationships I know she has had. (she has had a close relationship with an ex as their families are very close. I met him and we are great friends, more like brothers than anything)

The next day she proceeds to ask me again what she was doing that made me think it was ok to do what I did. i said I thought she was having an affair. She cried again and then went to her bedroom drawer she appears to be looking for something and is purging at the same time. She throws away cards I have given her over the years as well as a card our daughter gave to her. I tell her I am going to put the money back and apologize again.

I will tell you I did not want to write this post. I feel stupid for caving in, but I want to believe her so badly. She is not here right now, back to her plan of celebrating her birthday weekend without her husband or family.

so to review, I have tried kicking her out the marriage bed and that failed, I have tried removing the money from the accounts and that failed.

The steps I am taking are backfiring. She is getting away with murder only because I do not want to let her go and she knows that.

[StepUp]

oh, Sandi2 I did find NMMNG it is almost me to a T

[Natus]

A - Her Ex is giving her a place to stay? isnt that cheating? Like doesnt that mean they been in contact recently enough to have a conversation about living arrangments.

B - how do you know if panda whatever is really gay. you met him?

C - Has she any right to get angry and upset for you taking the money? Is it hers?

D - Has she committed or atleast says she wants to be a faitful wife to you? Faitful wives dont make living arrangments with exes.

Stop apologizing to her. She doesnt deserve it.

[StepUp]

I really wish I there was someone here whose situation was waaay worse than mine but came through with flying colors and could tell me everything is going to be alright.

[EDF]

I've read that in a healthy relationship the typical reaction to being accused of cheating is generally they seek to prove they are not, to offer assurances, reassert their feelings for the spouse, etc.

When someone is cheating, they tend to try and deny, make excuses, deflect blame, make the accuser feel like they are crazy, etc.

My WW definitely followed that pattern, and eventually the truth was bore out by evidence.

Sorry, but threatening to move in with an ex-boyfriend is not a normal healthy response to a spouse raising concerns!

[sandi2]

When someone is cheating, they tend to try and deny, make excuses, deflect blame, make the accuser feel like they are crazy, etc.

My WW definitely followed that pattern, and eventually the truth was bore out by evidence.

Sorry, but threatening to move in with an ex-boyfriend is not a normal healthy response to a spouse raising concerns!

I have to agree with the above statements. She covered her tracks, and you bought it. Look, women should not have male friends that exclude the spouses.........period! I suppose she has you believing that is what the modern couple of today does, but I will go further and tell you that they also get divorced.

Whenever a so-called "friendship" exist between opposite sexes where they have private messages, it is trouble brewing. This is not how to affair proof your M! So many young men these days think it falls into the whole equality thing.......but that is crazy. If people don't wake up and see what is happening, I'm afraid M's of the future generation are doomed.

There is another LBH here on the board, who was told by his W that her new friend was gay. Some of us tried to tell him that even if the man was gay, it didn't stop her from having an EA with him.........and whatever the guy was.......he was still having an inappropriate R with a married woman. I am going to tell you the same thing I told him.........you are being deceived. You totally took her word, only, b/c your feelings wanted to believe her.

Now, grow some b@lls and start wearing the pants in your family. Stop immediately apologizing to your W when you think she's upset at you. (If you are proven wrong, you can always go back and apologize at a later date). She played you like a fiddle.
And to make matter worse, you are going to put the money back into the account. You cannot be wish-wash like this. She is wayward and will ruin you financially, emotionally, and every way necessary in order to fulfill her selfish desires.

Grow a backbone b/c it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. And the only hope of it getting better is for you to stop acting like her submissive little boy and start acting like a man. Every WW wants a real man who is not afraid to stand eyeball to eyeball with her and tell her the things he will not tolerate under his roof or in his M........and he's not afraid to back it up.

You cannot afford to believe anything she says. Sure you want to, but that doesn't do a thing to cause her to be truthful...... and certainly doesn't change the facts. It's time to wake up and get your manhood in gear.

Sorry if you find this too harsh, but I'm going to talk to you as if you were my grown son. You have to change your soft ways or you will lose your W for good. You are scared of losing her now, and that's why you allow her to do this to you? You are doing the opposite of what you need to be doing.

She will challenge you, lie, deceive, swear by all that's holy........and still be just as wayward and rebellious as ever. Why? B/c she doesn't respect you, and she won't as long as you let her b.s. you. You just have to let her know you aren't going to put up with it.

She has to see your strength. I think every woman, in a heterosexual MR, has one thing in common. She wants her H to be stronger than her. I am talking inner strength. She needs proof that she can not run over you and play games.

Decide your boundaries, and start getting them set down. Have you read the post about boundaries? Don't state a boundary until you can back it up with some consequence if it is dishonored.........Otherwise, you make a fool out of yourself.

Lose the fear of letting her go. That fear will keep you in a submissive position.

[Natus]

Stepup, listen to Sandhi. I was like you being super nice, attentive, did everything for my W. She told me nothing was going on, just friends etc. Until i found hard proof. They will lie, lie, lie. They will lie like crazy, my W of 11 years turned into super crazy spy level liar.

Without hard proof, trust your gut.

[StepUp]

Hey guys,

So my WW has presented an ultimatum. Either I allow her to stay with me and there will be competition for her time and affection or sign the D papers.

Also, I a note came to the house and my oldest daughter gave it directly to my wife. It was a note for a mandatory meeting at one of the middle schools my daughter may attend next year. My WW has been talking to the director via text messages.

I want to show up at the orientation tomorrow and then resume my plan of setting the boundaries. She has never confessed so me showing up may be the unwelcome shock needed. Besides she is going to be flirting with him in front of my daughter.