Last time this happened I felt you jumped back in to soon and too easily. I am glad to see that is not the case this time. You are in command now and have the time to decide on a course of action. The first decision is whether you want to give her the time to work on herself and see who she becomes or not. You have a lot of soul searching to do. Give it some time and tell her to give you the time to do this soul searching. If you decide it is over then be honest with her and let her know and the reasons why. If the decision is to give her a chance then I would set up some non negotiable ground rules like no other men, etc. I would insist on a minimum of a year of her working on herself before you would even consider any joint counseling.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Right? Well its never boring that's for sure. I laughed at the timing of it all, just like over a year ago I drop the rope, she anchor checks and panics.
Yes that's probably the biggest lesson I learned, sure she may miss the family, may miss me .... but I think its out of loneliness more than any awakening. Am I against R .... not completely (90%) ... but I am against it right now (100%) knowing she has yet to do the work. The hard truth is there may be to much damage, may be easier to start over fresh with someone new than to relive and rehash all that has been done to this point.
If someone new showed up 30 minutes late its due to traffic, stbx would not be awarded that assumption ... food for thought
I agree ... she does need to be alone but I do not think she will be able to, most likely OM will get sucked back in, I am not aware of what happened this time nor how long its been (I did look this morning, she deleted her FB account, not sure when that happened either) ... but she has always been in someones tree for as long as I have known her. She needs to sort herself and her life out and decide what she wants. If that's the M and family she will need to go to REI and buy some Mt Everest type hiking gear as its going to be a mountain to climb. I do not say this in a punishment type attitude, but I have learned so much and have my boundaries firmly in place I will not fall for the puppy dog eyes ever again.
Last time this happened I felt you jumped back in to soon and too easily. I am glad to see that is not the case this time. You are in command now and have the time to decide on a course of action. The first decision is whether you want to give her the time to work on herself and see who she becomes or not. You have a lot of soul searching to do. Give it some time and tell her to give you the time to do this soul searching. If you decide it is over then be honest with her and let her know and the reasons why. If the decision is to give her a chance then I would set up some non negotiable ground rules like no other men, etc. I would insist on a minimum of a year of her working on herself before you would even consider any joint counseling.
LT
Yes .. that is the approach. I would be remiss if I did not share I currently struggle with some things on my end with marriage, my faith, the relationship I have started. I have been praying, meditating on it and I am sure its part of my process and things I need to learn to grow and get to the next level. So the door has not been deadlocked shut ... but for her to even get to that door its going to take time and ACTIONS ... not words, live and learn and I have .. never again will I go back to that without having the serious boundary talks and if she does not want to respect those, thats her choice and I wish her well.
I am not sure these conversations will even take place ... as you said I intend to continue my life 'as if' and give her the same gift of time that I did not really want but now cherish. We will see how this pans out ... or doesn't ... very well could have been a long weekend alone, moment of weakness and a cry for help .... she will recover and most likely go on as she has.
I have hit a point there is so much damage I question if I could handle another ride nor do I think she could possibly do the work she needs to do
Just one additional piece to put in your pipe: My ex had an affair when my kids were preteens/early teens. he never left the house, the affair was short-lived, and I DB'd the heck out of my marriage. We had a good reconciliation that lasted several years until he hit 50 and had another MLC. Some of the best years of our marriage actually.
So - I was very surprised to learn, after we split, that the kids were walking on eggshells that whole time after our reconciliation, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would have said that things were great and the kids were secure - but they weren't. Maybe they knew something I didn't?
Anyway, my point is - if you're thinking of reconciling for your son's sake, it might not work out the way you think. It might actually even make him nervous, make him feel like he has to wait for the next disaster.
If you are considering it, I'd say at least a year of good behavior on her part, working on herself, learning to be alone, then MAYBE. But I also think you don't have to feel obligated. I know how seriously Catholics take their vows (I did) but I also think at a certain point, when you've been thoroughly fired from the job, and you did everything you could to prevent this - you're released from your obligation.
Plus, you're probably right - this is likely just a temporary state of sorry due to a breakup or some such. Sustained consistent behavior would need to be seen.
Cali, well big bro, let's see. We all knew W and OM would never last long, they are both too broken. She hates being alone and on her own, and you....well...your a prize and gem of a man. She knows that, and I have to say, I am not surprised about the turn of events.
I am glad to hear you staying firm and detached. She needs this time alone to work through her issues. If she jumps into another R because you don't come running, I can guarantee she will remain broken. Maybe when talking with her, mention to her how important it is for her, right now, to focus on herself. Maybe even share how much time alone has helped you? I know my H heard that when I said it because he repeats it often.
I am proud of you, and quite amazed, that after everything, you didn't shut her down. I am very happy to hear she is going to therapy and pray she finds her way through her fog. In the meantime, stay true to yourself and keep things calm and stable for your S. I would stay in the distance and let her work her way through this one, but that's me. You never know, with proper therapy, space and time, maybe some of your old W will come back.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I have hit a point there is so much damage I question if I could handle another ride nor do I think she could possibly do the work she needs to do
Just one additional piece to put in your pipe: My ex had an affair when my kids were preteens/early teens. he never left the house, the affair was short-lived, and I DB'd the heck out of my marriage. We had a good reconciliation that lasted several years until he hit 50 and had another MLC. Some of the best years of our marriage actually.
So - I was very surprised to learn, after we split, that the kids were walking on eggshells that whole time after our reconciliation, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would have said that things were great and the kids were secure - but they weren't. Maybe they knew something I didn't?
Anyway, my point is - if you're thinking of reconciling for your son's sake, it might not work out the way you think. It might actually even make him nervous, make him feel like he has to wait for the next disaster.
If you are considering it, I'd say at least a year of good behavior on her part, working on herself, learning to be alone, then MAYBE. But I also think you don't have to feel obligated. I know how seriously Catholics take their vows (I did) but I also think at a certain point, when you've been thoroughly fired from the job, and you did everything you could to prevent this - you're released from your obligation.
Kml
Yeah ... no way would I R for S's sake. Truth is in 10 years he will be off to college and leave me holding the bag ...lol. Naaaa I mean I stuck with things pre-BD for the simple fact of fear, I was afraid of what my life would look like without a W, a family, and without S. I hate the idea of only being a 50% dad but hate the idea of a toxic household even more. So ... no .. I would not ever R just for S, nor would I recommend anyone sacrificing their happiness for the children, that to me is the easy excuse to not look at the situation out of fear.
At the moment I am good, accepted the M is over as she did everything she could do to destroy it .. MLC or not her choices brought on consequences. As you said a year of good behavior, working on herself and getting to the root of what caused the MLC to blow up (I have a pretty solid idea what this is) because if its not addressed she will most likey go again, and I have a big bucket of 'No Thanks' sitting right here for that show.
As far as my faith, yeah that one is a tough one. I have been struggling with that over the past month but trust God will show me the way as he always has.
Like I said ... I am not so sure I will ever fully close the door. Logically I should have years ago but something prohibits me from dead bolting it, however I also have something just as strong not allowing me to budge an inch regardless of what she says. Actions not words and those actions have to last.
So I continue to live my life as I have over the past few months free of all the MLC drama, not allowing it to get me off my path. She has a ton of work and catching up to do, if one day she does catch up I will look at where I am in my life and think about it, I will not wait as I have for the past 3-4 years for her to get there ... I do hope for her and S's sake she does and can be healthy again.
Cali, well big bro, let's see. We all knew W and OM would never last long, they are both too broken. She hates being alone and on her own, and you....well...your a prize and gem of a man. She knows that, and I have to say, I am not surprised about the turn of events.
I am glad to hear you staying firm and detached. She needs this time alone to work through her issues. If she jumps into another R because you don't come running, I can guarantee she will remain broken. Maybe when talking with her, mention to her how important it is for her, right now, to focus on herself. Maybe even share how much time alone has helped you? I know my H heard that when I said it because he repeats it often.
I am proud of you, and quite amazed, that after everything, you didn't shut her down. I am very happy to hear she is going to therapy and pray she finds her way through her fog. In the meantime, stay true to yourself and keep things calm and stable for your S. I would stay in the distance and let her work her way through this one, but that's me. You never know, with proper therapy, space and time, maybe some of your old W will come back.
M ... lil sis.... yeah I dunno, I think its 2 narcissists who are either on a serious high or serious low .. no in between. After the past 3 years I am not sure if its ever going to be totally 'over' till/if she is out of crisis.... I even made a remark with her that maybe she just needs to be married so she can have that rush of cheating behind someones back. Who knows how long this break up will last, maybe she is waking up but we were here Mar15 and it lasted till about Sept14 (Total Touch and Go I admittedly mishandled) ...in that period she was drawn to stalk him, proving she was not baked... I recall catching her searching on the laptop in June, Nov and finally seen the TM Jan/Feb) Not surprising with MLC but knowing she is still in the tunnel I am not banking on it nor really care tbh. Its all just observational for me at the moment looking at this MLC in a different light the past 4 months and noticing the similarities but more so the vast differences for the MLCw over the MLCh and forming my own opinions and thoughts on how there is/should be a difference in handling them. (Deep thoughts I will maybe one day express)
So Cali, lots going on. I'm left with a few questions though.
I see you thinking about the possibility of a relationship with stbxw. I'm thinking that may be the wrong approach. i.e. now isn't the time, right? Now is the time to be free, single and exploring your faith and the world around you. If it so happens that she wants to come back AFTER doing the work she needs to do at a later time...? Then you can evaluate then. But until then, perish the thought masochist.
My real question though? What happened to China?
AJ
P.S. Of course now is the time to put your faith in God. Why wait until things are difficult? And for the record, you didn't 'mishandle' anything. You did your best based on what you knew and your best judgement at the time you were faced with the choices. I wouldn't stop doing that if I were you. You're a smart and perceptive cookie.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Oh make no bones about it ... now surely is not the time, even if she magically snapped to and said all the right things .... its about actions as far as I am concerned and actions that go well past this year. I have zero intention/interest in that right now. I only post here to keep up with the story/novel .. maybe one day it will provide something out of this mess.
China .... ok, the company I work for has strong China ties, they have a location in China. The area I am in charge of is new territory for them, however their approach is the same for what they do ... they want to buy some China-based equipment for what I do here, I am pretty against it so the President and CEO want me to go there to see the stuff in action, basically selling me on what they want to spend their money on. I do not need to see it, I know what they want to use (Works great for 2 years then pooof insta-junk) ... but free trip to China ... sure why not. The CEO went early and was going to have me go with him ... We are to talk this week or next, its still in the works just not sure when.
I have total faith in God, I am just torn at the moment. A small part will always want W and the family I had ... my logical brain says that ship sailed and sunk off the coast of MLC, it would be far easier to start a new R with someone else than continue to waste the energy on the M, all the damage done I am not so certain I want to open those boxes and deal with that pain again ...... beauty of it is .. I don't have to today, so I continue on allowing God to do His thing and trust He will guide me as He always has.
