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melweb Offline OP
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Thanks for checking on me Cil, and I know its been a while.

The past 3 weeks have been a crazy blur of activities and emotions. The Monday after H moved out, my job asked me to step in full time for the remainder of the school year. I said Yes!!--thinking/hoping it would keep my mind busy. It worked! I have been very busy and barely felt like I was keeping up with the things I HAD to do, much less what I wanted to do. Anyhow, school year is over and I have some breathing room, but I will continue to sub throughout the summer.

I am taking it day-by-day with H. My emotions (and thoughts) sometimes get the best of me. I have been honest with him in what some of my triggers are--he's been good about that. As far as transparency, I have access to phone and Verizon acct. But I am not stupid! I have access to what he gave me access to--he has work email that I have no access to, and I know they communicated through that as well. But as far as I can ascertain, the A is over.

I am struggling with my own thoughts and emotions: I don't want to talk about about it, but I know we can't sweep it under the rug and act like it never happened; I have questions but know I cannot un-hear whatever he decides to tell me.

So some days I feel really strong-- I refuse to be a victim, and let this define me or my marriage-- and other days I feel crushed by the images of the A. And the reality of it is, that even though the A is over, research tells me his MLC is not.


Me 47 H 49 S18 S15
M 21
BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY
I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16
Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16
BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16
Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June
H leaves 5/7/16
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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Mel,
It sounds like you've had a very busy end of school year. I'm glad you were asked to go full time and have a chance to sub over the summer. Will you be able to back after the summer break full time?

You are very wise to take each day as it comes. Don't make too many plans too far ahead because things can change very quickly and I would hate to see you disappointed or discouraged along the way.

I'm also glad that he's been willing to be transparent w/you. That's a step in the right direction. If you aren't ready to talk about things, then advise him of that. There is no need to rush the process for yourself. You will know when you are ready to deal w/everything.

Enjoy your summer!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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melweb Offline OP
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Thanks job!! Things HAVE been very busy indeed-yet still seem at a stand still, but as you pointed out, things change quickly. Hence 'Quick, quick, slow, slow.'

I was offered a full time lead teacher position for the fall, but I am not ready for that. I already have a lot of stres and that would tip me over the edge. I would take a full time assistant if one becomes available. I will know more later in the summer. Fingers crossed.

Yesterday was a "weak" day. I know they are bound to happen and probably will for quite some time. My suspicions are in crazy, overload mode and they take on a life of their own, when EVERYTHING becomes an 'ulterior motive' for him: going to bed right after dinner (to call, text, FB???); He took my car to work instead of his truck (to be a show off ??); he bought a new phone case that carries credit cards, license, etc, but now it closes so I can't see the screen (HMMM???)

SEEE??? I am driving myself insane. Plus he has some female "friends" that I think are making me uncomfortable/jealous. I was never the type before-- he traveled a lot and I trusted him. But the rules have changed, because he changed the game. And while I have access to phone and Verizon acct, I know he can FB Msg, then delete and I would be none the wiser.

In the good news dept for ME, I am going forward with the Invisalign I have always wanted, but kids braces came first. I start next month. SO happy for myself!!

Oh and thanks for linking my old thread job. You would think that after 6 months, I would remember to do that smirk


Me 47 H 49 S18 S15
M 21
BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY
I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16
Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16
BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16
Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June
H leaves 5/7/16
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Posts: 268
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melweb Offline OP
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Well! I thought I would have more time to catch up on threads now that I am done work, but that has not been the case: We have made a decision to move back "home."

The decision was not a hard one to make--our house has not sold yet, H has not been all that happy here (Clearly), and more importantly, S15 is not happy. I have mixed feelings.

On the H front, I/we are taking it day by day. What other choice do we have? Most convos concerning A are productive, but then we have one where I feel he's not taking my feeling into account--that I "need to just let it go, its over." I guess this to be expected. Right?

In the "Things That Make You Go Hmmm" department: H has changed his cell phone password. I am not sure when as I do not check it everyday as it was driving me insane and I was finding nothing. It was actually making me feel worse, instead of reassured. In fact, I had decided I was not checking anymore because of that, and also felt that now that he knows I am checking, why would he use cell or text to communicate with her-there are other ways to do it without me finding out.
Unsure how to address this at the moment--I need to process.

So anyhow, we are outta here in 50 days. Lots to do to set up the old house. Just when I was feeling settled!


Me 47 H 49 S18 S15
M 21
BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY
I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16
Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16
BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16
Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June
H leaves 5/7/16
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Posts: 956
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Hey, Mel. How are you doing?


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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melweb Offline OP
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Hi Cil. Thanks for checking on me. I will be catching up with everyone now that things are settled.

We have moved back to our hometown, into our house that had been on the market for over a year. The decision was a good one as we we were going to lose money if it did sell, plus our youngest S was not happy in the new place. Though prob contributing a lot to that was the sitch between me and H. So here we are...

The sitch between me and H: hanging in there. Can that be a prognosis? Obviously we have good days and bad days, and I struggle almost daily, but we are both working toward a common goal: saving the M and making better.

But not to be all shiny, happy people... H says the A is over and I need to "just get over it and move on." Not really the loving support I would wish from him. On the other hand, I refuse to dwell and let it define me. I will not be all "boo-hoo, poor, poor pitiful me, my H had an A."

However.. I still feel stuck. Some things really bother me: 1) How the A ended. I know he said he loved her, and always will, misses her, etc. Not exactly the FU I would have liked. But clearly I do not want him to call her and tell her that now!! Honestly, I am not sure how he ended it with her. There was a 40 min phone call a month after it supposedly ended, and 3 texts msgs after we moved here. 2) I feel like I have done more than my fair share of the peace- keeping, marriage-saving and "own-its'. Sure, I know that in the beginning it was good DBing, and for me, but now I feel taken advantage of. He has stopped most of his replay, has gained back the weight he lost etc. She was worth it, but I am not?? Resentful? Maybe. Petty? Probably.

Before anyone asks, we have not done any MC. Finances seem to keep preventing that, and this move made that worse.


I hope I am not babbling. Anyway, gonna go catch up


Me 47 H 49 S18 S15
M 21
BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY
I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16
Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16
BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16
Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June
H leaves 5/7/16
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Melweb

Thanks for sharing

Your road is one I have not traveled, so I have no advice, but Im sure others will chime in that may have walked the piecing road

You sound very clear though and seems like you are walking slowly with eyes open

I do sincerely hope for you the best and keep us posted-
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Hi Melweb, good to hear from you and I'm pleased to hear the A has ended and you and your H are still together. You may find BluWave's postings helpful in Newcomers as she and her H reconciled after he had an A, and she's generally insightful too...

For me, reading the above - there's little evidence of your H 'doing whatever it takes' to help you and your M heal from the A. You seem to be storing up some resentment, understandably - but neither of these things are good foundations for a strong and happy M going forwards, IMHO.

Can I ask why you don't ask for what you need from him?

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hey Mel! So glad you came back to update. I agree with Sotto's advice. BlueWave's threads are about piecing and have great insight's from many others having difficulties and successes in piecing. Its a difficult journey, as well. A lot of wisdom there, though.

On the MC topic: do you have a university near by with a counseling program? Often times they run their own inexpensive or free counseling clinics to train the students, but they are observed and guided by their instructors during sessions. It might be worth a look.

I am so happy that you have the opportunity to work on your M with your H. But I can understand how difficult and stressful that can be. Trust, once damaged, carries scar tissue that can be hard to loosen. I'm sending you as much strength as I can squeeze through this keyboard. Patience, as well. I imagine you'll need it.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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