Nope. I think compatibility is the devil's other lie that tears apart families. No one is compatible. But some couples grit it out.
I theorized a bit about this not long ago, the hierarchy of needs thing. The idea being that when our society was less wealthy people banded together and just needed food, shelter, and companionship through life's difficulty. If two people could survive together they were 'compatible'. We are now spoiled and want compatibility to mean matching priorities and views in so many areas it can never be a fit. I like fiction and you like non-fiction, I guess we need to divorce. It's a [censored] joke.
People need to suck it up and stay with the deal breakers and the lack of compatibility. It's the only way marriage works. I challenge you to find a happily married couple of 30+ years that says "it worked because we were so compatible that things went smoothly". Nope. Not going to happen. But I can point to a few thousand threads of where it didn't work because one partner thought they weren't.
Check and mate.
But you're right. While marriage is miserable, if you can accept that and get over the lies of compatibility and a healthy relationship, or whatever fantasy is in our heads of how we tell our selves a marriage "should" (by the way I think the word "should" is the worst, it is all about expectation and is the root of divorce) be...the end result is that we will be surprised at times when they do something that shows they know and love you, like 'wow, my spouse actually does understand me after all, they DO care'. And there will be times when you get each other and things are ok. And those are the good times. That's not what marriage is all about. That's just part of it. But it is there, if we don't let the devil take it from us.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Juju, I think shared values and interests are helpful when you're not skating on emotions. My SD is having a very difficult time with her H (addiction issues) but they have shared interests and passions and work that help them enjoy their time together and take a break from the problems.
I'm glad you're in such a good place today! Best of luck with the job opportunities.
Like you, I have also experienced a strange ease of life since I moved and many opportunities presenting themselves.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Zues, no need for check mates. I'm not really debating, just kind of thinking things out and worrying too much about my past and future : )
This is what I am thinking ...I think that maybe shared interests and values are what can initially attract 2 people, although opposite interests attract them too...so maybe it keeps them together or influences the choice to marry and start a family together. But in order for marriage to succeed you need like minded level of committment.
What confuses me, is that In my case, I kind of recognized this early. I stayed with my husband despite the lack of compatibility because I truly believed he had the same sense of loyalty and committment that I had. (He was a huge sports fan and stayed a big fan of a really poorly performing team. Now I'm not really into fanship or watching those types of sporting events , but I would actually joke "hey if he remains a loyal fan to them he will always be loyal to me". ) Everything indicated this as so. He was not a womanizer and pretty honest. He has been with the same company he started with. Him and his mother have a good relationship. He is a hard worker and a perfectionist. So I guess I'm trying to figure things out....SO either
1. I was really off in my selection process, thinking husband was faithful and committed type and he just was not or
2. That lack of compatibility just made things so so bad that needs couldn't be understood and met and committment became impossible. Although my needs were certainly not met either and I wouldn't have been able to end the marriage.
So this leads me to question, why didn't I leave?
1. I viewed husband as my family and would never elect death of a family member. (Unless they cheated on me..which a family member obviously cannot do)
2. Just never considered it an actual option.
So now second time around. Would compatibility and understanding the necessity of needs being met still make marriage inevitably miserable?
Answer: most likely, because now even though there is more insight and better tools about how to make a relationship last, things just get more complicated due to increased cynicism, more difficult logistics, and lack of a real incentive. Without codependency what are the real benefits of a "forever" partnership?
If that's the case, how does one truly connect with partners they know are fleeting? Or is there just no need for true connection?
I know myself and I do have a desire for that "forever" partnership. But I don't know why exactly at this point. Especially considering my situation.
1. I viewed husband as my family and would never elect death of a family member. (Unless they cheated on me..which a family member obviously cannot do)
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
1. I viewed husband as my family and would never elect death of a family member. (Unless they cheated on me..which a family member obviously cannot do)
I have to do a better job editing! Don't worry, my husband is alive and well
In other posts, I have always referred to my husband leaving as an "elected death"... Very dramatic. I know. But it feels like that to me. I just meant I would never have ended our marriage unless he cheated, which in my mind is the ultimate betrayal.
Im not a psycho. I promise..maybe just a little deranged though.
Sometimes I don't realize until after I posted how easily something I wrote could be misinterpreted or considered offensive or even a criminal activity!
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
1. I viewed husband as my family and would never elect death of a family member. (Unless they cheated on me..which a family member obviously cannot do)
I have to do a better job editing! Don't worry, my husband is alive and well
In other posts, I have always referred to my husband leaving as an "elected death"... Very dramatic. I know. But it feels like that to me. I just meant I would never have ended our marriage unless he cheated, which in my mind is the ultimate betrayal.
Im not a psycho. I promise..maybe just a little deranged though.
Why aren't you deranged?
It you right and privilege and you earned it. Truly you did absolutely.
Go and join the deranged spouses club, get the T shirt.
Earn the brownie badge, a blue and gold one with a multi tool on it. Why not.
Go for it, full on.
I give you full on permission.
We are waiting for you in the meeting room at the club house.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
