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RSG #2681772 05/30/16 09:15 AM
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Update!
DB is definitely working. Wife came over today to pick up little guy, and we went to the pool as a family. We had a great time. I have hidden everything I have re DB, and my goals. There is a small thing on the fridge I have for reminders, but I figured it was safe because it's vague.

We talked, and she's REALLY having a hard time with her emotions. She said she felt like a quitter and that she was sorry and cried. I looked in her eyes as much as possible and did not offer physical sympathy, but explained to her that I want her to be happy and that I've chosen to focus on myself and our son and to give her time to find herself. She's started working out again, which is something she loves. She was surprised I had been taking things so well and seemed pleased with that.

In addition, she would talk about things related to a divorce saying she's not interested in money or possessions but to simply make sure we're keeping care of our son together. Then I asked her if that's where she was, and she backtracked saying she'd continue to take things one day at a time. She likes being on her own so she has more time when our son's not around, but she has a VERY hard time taking care of him alone. She asked what I've been doing for me, and I said walking the dog more, doing reading (I'm a big reader, but obviously didn't mention my new subject!), will be going out next Saturday, etc.

We said goodbye, I didn't force any hugs or anything just goodbye. I did love on my son but didn't have any inkling to get emotional. I'm home now, and I'm doing me. It's working. DB is definitely my marriage bible!

I wrote down last week the chances she'd return. I had it at 25%. Now I went back and put it at 35%. Great progress, and I'm pleased. But now isn't the time to celebrate. I know I've got to keep it up or I will lose this progress. It sure feels good to know I'm headed in the right direction though.


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG #2681780 05/30/16 09:55 AM
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RSG, sounds like you did pretty well but I caution you to build up what it means, this is a roller coaster ride, the higher up you go the further down the next drop... Don't build this up to mean anything, because it doesn't mean anything.

Doesn't sound like you did, but don't give more information than you need to when talking about what your doing. Try and redirect the question back to her. Did you tell her where your going next Saturday or who with? If not, she will likely bring it up again, do your best to keep it vague.

Also, you don't accidentally end up on someone else's family group on iPhone... Prepare yourself to find out about another man soon... Generally finding out about an A starts with clues, and we choose to explain them away until it hits us head on.. Did she bring it up at all, or was the subject silenced?

I would look for a vet for their opinion on this, but I think I would bring it up and make it clear that although currently separated, you are still married and you will not accept being in or part of an open M, and seeing other people is not acceptable.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
RSG #2681782 05/30/16 09:59 AM
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It's so uplifting to see you writing so positively about your sitch and the great strides you're taking. I think I turned a corner yesterday with the help of people on here and I see now that my sitch is completely out of my hands and I need to focus on the one thing I control, me and the kids.

Keep up the great work.

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Thank you for keeping my feet to the fire. I was excited initially, but have come back down and focused on MY improvements. I did tell her what I was doing next Saturday, but I'll try to be more vague in the future.

The subject was largely silent, until she Facetimed me from the pool to see if it worked and my son said "hi Richard." He doesn't learn names that well, and the guy who was running the family group was named Richard.

I just asked. She is seeing someone. I told her I don't want him around my son while we're married, and if she wants to continue to see him we will have to get together immediately and begin to work on a divorce. I kept my cool, and was pretty good. I do not want my son around someone else while we're married, and it's completely unacceptable. I gave her a few days to think and report back. I believe she's going to keep seeing him.....


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG #2681806 05/30/16 11:51 AM
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I'm sorry to hear that RSG, it is the toughest thing in the world to hear, just know that you will get through this. Your going to likely start crying again, and question everything that she has done and wonder how she could ever do this to you, where did your loving wife go... These are all normal things to feel, they hurt a lot, but they are normal.

Be careful with ultimatums, you don't want to issue ultimatums when your emotional, because your gonna feel different about it in 5 mins, 4 hours, or the next day. I promise you that what you want will change constantly.

Work on boundaries, not having OM around your S is a good place to start, but you need to create a true boundary with a cost for not observing that boundary. Re-read the boundaries link cadet gave you on page 1.

As for the OM, don't bring him up, in fact try not to even think about him, he doesn't matter, because if not him it would be someone else. You need to focus on you and your S. Go back and read Sandis rules, that's what you need to be doing now, it's more important than ever that you detach and focus on you. The A has to stop before your WW will want anything to do with you.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, I pray for you to have the strength to become a better man for yourself. And if I can offer a glimmer of hope, your young and have plenty of life left in front of you. I didn't even meet my W until I was your age, and if you become a better man now, you will have a wonderful future with someone, wether it be your current W or someone else.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 523
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Thanks Coconut.
I haven't cried actually. I'm pretty accepting. She's the one crying now. I always knew that an affair was a deal breaker for me. Not just for what she did to me, but for what she has done to our son. She says that he's worth everything, and every hardship. If she actually believes that, then she'll make the obvious choice. If not, then she'll destroy this family and be the quitter she's said she doesn't want to be.

I'm trying to detach, and focus on myself and my son. He's what's important. He's what has kept me going since she walked out. He is everything to me, and I'll do anything for him. I did tell her that I loved her and was willing to start from scratch, because I love my son and I believe something still burns inside of her for me. It's ironic. She told me she left because she wanted our son to have 2 happy parents. Hopefully, she allows that to be true....


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG #2681929 05/31/16 04:38 AM
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Well, wife and I talked. She asked if we could use June to focus on our son and revisit in July. June would be to find him a school, which will take a lot of work with school tours and information. Also, getting him set with therapy as well. I need to schedule a hearing test for him so we can turn that in, and get him evaluated by the city so therapy won't cost an arm and a leg with private therapists.

It's hard to detach, not that I think about this other person too much. But, in addition to doing the above for my son along with enjoying my time with him, I'll also be working on GAL. She isn't as ugly and condescending when we speak, as I believe the guilt is finally getting to her.


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG #2681977 05/31/16 06:48 AM
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RSG, that would be stalling and cake eating... She's asking you to do nothing for a month while she continues the high the A gives her, and all the while you two will still be getting together to handle all the family responsibilities for your Son..

Is that what you want? I'm not telling you what to do, just wanting you to see what she's asking for.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 523
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No, it's not what I want. Should I be adamant about the affair having to end? She will text me around lunch to discuss our sons day, I think I'll make mention of the boundary but keep divorce out of it. I'll just say that the month time to work on our son is predicated on that.


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG #2681993 05/31/16 07:29 AM
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um... you cant make her end the affair, you can only provide a consequence if it doesn't, she has to make the decision to end it.

As for discussing sons day, is that a call you need to take? I might suggest taking some time to digest everything and think about what you want. If you do take the call, give a brief update and end the call, don't linger on the phone.

In my case my W was still in the house, so how I handled things was different and I don't know what strategy you can use to provide consequence for the A. For example, I told her I wouldn't share the MBR with a cheater, I stopped waking her up for work, stopped making coffee for her, I started being out of the house a lot.

Hopefully a vet with a little more experience in a sitch like yours stops by and offers some words of wisdom. In the long run, DB'ng, GAL, Validate, still apply, but nothing will matter until the OM is out of the R.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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