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Coconut, you are on the verge of being a WAH. I have seen this happen with the LBH'S and LBW'S. It is the hurt and disappointment turning into apathy.

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The main issue I'm having to work through is a girl who recently started working in my office. She's worked for my company for awhile, I only met her once before about 6 months ago, and she was flirting with me then, but I shut that down quick because it wasn't somewhere I woulda even considered going, but with all of this happening, now I find myself thinking about her. It's crazy, she's like 15 years younger than me, shes smokin hot and I know it's the wrong thing to be Thinking about, but I can't help myself from wondering.


Again, this is not uncommon. This new girl at work is nothing more but ego salve. She is a boost to your male ego that's been badly bruised. She gives you ideas about moving on with a new relation and experiencing the rush of new, hot passion. Guess what? I had all those thought when I became involved with the OM! I just could not muster the interest or energy to put into a dead MR. I think that's where you are standing right now.
FWIW, I don't think your MR is dead!

Listen, I see a lot of positive reactions from your W. And if I recall (I may have my stories mixed up) you had become a little less than energetic in your sex life before you knew she was giving her attention to OM. So now, you still experience some leftover feelings of rejection, b/c she is not eager to jump into sex with you.

I think your expectations are too high, considering how soon it has been since she said she would do what you asked. In my eyes, she is putting forth much more effort than a lot of WW's do. Your high expectations can unknowingly put pressure on her. Try your best not to put her under a magnifying glass while at the BBQ. Don't hover over her, but don't ignore her, either. At least pretend you are relaxed and enjoying yourself.

How is her attitude when the two of you are interacting?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Coconut, you are on the verge of being a WAH. I have seen this happen with the LBH'S and LBW'S. It is the hurt and disappointment turning into apathy.

FWIW, I don't think your MR is dead!

Listen, I see a lot of positive reactions from your W. And if I recall (I may have my stories mixed up) you had become a little less than energetic in your sex life before you knew she was giving her attention to OM. So now, you still experience some leftover feelings of rejection, b/c she is not eager to jump into sex with you.

I think your expectations are too high, considering how soon it has been since she said she would do what you asked. In my eyes, she is putting forth much more effort than a lot of WW's do. Your high expectations can unknowingly put pressure on her. Try your best not to put her under a magnifying glass while at the BBQ. Don't hover over her, but don't ignore her, either. At least pretend you are relaxed and enjoying yourself.

How is her attitude when the two of you are interacting?





Haha, there is something funny about the thought of me walking away now, after enduring so much, but I wouldn't walk away until I know I tried and there just wasn't any chance left.. I'm here until I can't take anymore, I still have a lot of take in me for now...

I agree, our MR isn't dead yet, that is to say that I believe we are both focused on keeping it going, who knows if we will be able to keep it together, but I believe that is what we both are working towards.

Yes, I was less than sexually active in my M, we both were.. Funny how I could go from being fine with two or three times a year to being "turned on" everyday for the last 2 months straight... To be honest, I wanna try being hard to get, but I really don't know how to... I've always been willing when the opportunity presents itself smile

The BBQ went great, it was all females that showed up, except one other guy.. I hung out with him for the majority of the day.. I participated in group talks with the girls, made some jokes and even a few innuendos, let's just say that some of the convo was interesting... I definitely didn't hover over W, in fact when we were all in the pool, she drifted over to me a few times, I acknowledged her but drifted away from her. The only time I drifted towards her is when one of her classmates started giving me a shoulder message (which seemed a bit inappropriate to me), I got out of there and went by Ws side. Over all I didn't have to pretend, I genuinely had a great time, and it seemed that all of her classmates enjoyed my company.

Her attitude towards us hanging out has been good, she doesn't dismiss what I say, and has actually been engaged with me. I caught her glancing in my direction a few times at the bbq, as if just checkin on how I'm doing. Today was a great day, not just in my MR, but for me..


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Blu, I wanted to thank you for your post, it does help to know that my feelings aren't that far out in left field... I'm gonna focus on my MR, and do my best to keep anyone else out of my thoughts, I have enough of a minefield to walk through without adding to the difficulty level..


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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If any vets should happen to stop bye, can you visit RSGs thread and give thoughts on my last two paragraphs?

Here's a link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2681780&#Post2681780


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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MLC? It has crossed my mind a few times while going through this sitch... I've said it before, but my W looks very young, she's forty but looks 25. She was 32 when we started dating, and I can't tell you how many times she's been carded for 21. Anyway, the fire academy has gotten her into great shape, she's constantly posting selfies and revels in everyone's compliments of how young and beautiful she looks. I've wondered if she is suffering from a MLC, she seemed to change shortly after her 40th birthday, about 6 months ago.

I have mostly put those thoughts aside, as she's not as out there as some of the stories I've read or heard about, it's mostly just her wanting to work out to get in better shape, dressing in clothes that accentuate her looks, and posting pics that look great. But this morning she says that she asked one of her FF friends (the one who massaged my shoulders) for the name of the Doctor who did her boob job. She says that she's always wanted a boob job, but her mom would always give her hell about it, I said it's funny you've never mentioned it to me in 8 years...

She then asked me what's wrong, and I just said that I woulda thought youd talk to me before getting ready to make an appointment, she said she's only asked for the name and hasn't made an apt.

She then asks what I think, I told her that I understand the affect it has on how clothes fit and feeling attractive, but that I prefer natural when it comes to intimate time. I don't think she liked my answer, just said that she didn't want to go huge, just to go from a b cup to c cup.

Oh well, hopefully the cost is prohibitive, cause something tells me my opinion and wants aren't going to take priority, just one more reason I'm not sure how I want us to end up, together or D.

Anyway, now I'm starting to more seriously wonder if she's in a MLC.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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First R talk today in awhile.. W has her midterm coming up next week, so she has to study about 13 chapters for the test.. She was at home studying, then her fake boob friend asked if she would like to go to her station to study, wanted to go to the station instead of coming over to the house in case they got any calls. But I was fine with that.

Then after studying, W texts and says they are done studying and was going to the mall to look for work pants since the ones she has don't fit anymore. After about 45 mins, I do the find my iPhone thing (trust but verify) and it can't get her location. I wait a few minutes and try again, still can't find her, so I text to ask if she found anything and go to the mall (it's right across the street from our neighborhood). I go check where she usually parks and her cars not there, while continuing to find my iPhone and nothing. 10 mins after I text, she responds and says I'm in penny's buying conditioner (I check find my iPhone and she's there).

So I just go home, then she calls and asks if she should stop and get dinner, she could tell I was perturbed and asks what's wrong, I say I'm fine and tell her to get a sub for son, I'm not hungry.

She gets home and asks what's up, I told her I tried my find my iPhone and her phone was off, she spent 5 minutes explaining away (which makes sense, but doesn't mean I believe it). Then we start discussing.

Me - how do you feel about OM wife? I went on her FB page and she posted something that mentioned having babies and her mom was posting all excited about having grandkids.

Her - you don't know their story, they have issues just like we do. I don't worry about their relationship, just ours. I want to work on us, not them. Why do you go on her page?

Me - because I'm trying to figure out if I should tell her. You really don't think having an A is a big deal, do u?

Her - I feel horrible and regret doing it, but I am trying to get us back. I want to want you like I used to, I never thought about looking at someone else and I want that again.

Me - so how do I know you won't do it again when we have bad times.

Her - because honestly, if we fall into a rut like we did, I would divorce you instead of looking somewhere else, I don't want to live like that, and I now know an A isn't the way to fix that. Your the man I want to be with and I love you, and as long as you don't go back to how you were before, we can work through tough times, as long as your not disengaged from us.

Me - have you forgiven me?

Her - somewhat, I haven't fully forgiven you, but I'm working on it.

Me - do you think I've forgiven you?

Her - NO!!!

Conversation didn't go exactly like that, but key points are there, just journaling, but feel free to comment. I wanted to tell her that she just shoulda divorced me the first time, but I didn't. I still question if she truly understands the hurt her actions caused me, and if she really feels remorseful... She says many of the right things, but I want to really feel that she's remorseful.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Coconut,

So what actions would it take for you to feel comfortable with your W. These are the boundaries you need to set now to ensure that she is truly working on the MR.

Feel free to make the list and run it by the group if you need help.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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JimKao, that's a good question... I was just coming back to say that I'm
wondering if I'm trying to find a problem since there is no intamicy...

I really feel like she's doing everything she can to be totally transparent, she's even understanding when I have questions about things I find when looking through her phone, she's asked that I come to her with those questions so that I don't over analyze and create a big problem out of nothing.

I keep wondering if I've forgiven her for having the A... I kinda feel like I have, and I don't ask or wonder about the specifics anymore... BUT I know that I haven't forgiven her for the timing, it still very much upsets me that she started the A after our talk about what was bothering her about me (I started the conversation) and I immediately started fixing everything that she didn't like and even a few extra things. It pisses me off that she started the A when I was working to make our R better. So have I forgiven her, I'm guessing that means I haven't...

So how do I find forgiveness in my heart? I'm hoping it's something that becomes easier over time. I don't dwell on the Specifics of the A anymore, but the fact that there was one still looms in my mind. when figuring out timelines, I frequently find my self using the words pre and post A in my mind.


M - 9 1/2 years
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10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Coconut,

I don't know how much you know about my sitch but I could forgive my WW because she had an A just to spite me for filing for D which we then dismissed. When I had control of everything she was the puppy dog saying she wanted to be there for the boys and was all nice and then said she wanted to reconcile. I was the dumba$$ that was too nice and let her back in to the family thinking she wanted us and the boys and then found out she had an A and now I am in a much worse sitch than I was 4 months ago.

Would I forgive my W yes. Why, because I believe in marriage and want my boys to have one mom and dad. There would definitely have to be some hard work for my STBX to do in order for us to have our life again but I know I would prefer to have one W and only one in my lifetime.

I know I can walk confidently in front of my STBX's family and tell them I made mistakes and that I am remorseful and have changed. My STBX cannot do the same, h3ll she can't even talk to mutual friends of ours that live in the same city as her. Why, because STBX knows her actions hurt the family much worse than my actions.

I feel you are in a spot where you need to tread lightly and make sure that the steps are small and positive and on your terms. Your W needs to do the work. You don't have to be ready to know any more or any less about the A at this time. You will find forgiveness when you are ready. You will know if and when you are ready to forgive. Give it time because you still have a long road ahead of you. Your sitch seems to be moving in the right direction.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Things look good coconut, I fear though that your co-dependency is still there. The only way to heal is if you let-her-go, which is complicated by the fact that she sincerely wants back in. THAT IS CLEAR FOR THE WORLD TO SEE, so don't doubt it.

You need to trust as though your heart is healed.It will take a while to forgive but checking the phone for her location is not "letting her go". She must be free to live her life, and then choose you. Again, as long as her words and actions are congruent, you are on the path to recovery.

Find the strength and understand what you cannot control.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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