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KyleR Offline OP
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I can't imagine how difficult it must be to share a bed with your W while going through this situation. I must say I'm truly inspired by the strength people show on this forum.

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I can't imagine how difficult it must be to share a bed with your W while going through this situation. I must say I'm truly inspired by the strength people show on this forum.

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This is a quote from your W:

Quote:
This isn't something that we can work through Kyle. I'm beyond that point, I don't want a relationship that I have to fight for. It isn't what I want and it would be unfair of me to pretend otherwise.
I'd like to draw a line under things and move on without all of this, constantly bringing things back up. Please.


She doesn't want a R she has to fight for? Why does she feel that she had to fight for the R? B/c of the financial struggles? B/c of of wear and tear of daily life? B/c of moving in with her parents?

Has their ever been a time where either of you had inappropriate communication or contact with the opposite sex? Texts, emails, pictures, on-line activity, flirty behavior, etc.

Quote:
In all honesty I know my wife and no amount of positive change I make for myself is going to change her mind. Once she has something in her head she doesn't back down.


Okay, fair enough I guess. Even though she did say that she would be interested in the old Kyle. I'd take a wild guess that she was referring to the guy you were when she fell in love with you.

Maybe you can't be that carefree, or bad boy again b/c now you have responsibilities that must come first. I bet it's the guy you used to be inside, that she would be attracted to again.

Getting together so young in life, can change a person rather quickly from the way they were in their late teens-early twenties. Although, she has two children, she is probably still growing up.......and maybe you, too. I think most of us are still growing up during our twenties plus years.

I went through something similar to your W during the first couple of years in my M. I had unmet expectations, disappointments in my H, faced financial hardship, postpartum depression, and basically thought I had lost my feelings for my H. I realized afterwards that I wanted back the guy I had before M.

I think you should challenge what she has said......and frankly, challenge yourself, by finding the old Kyle again (if you liked him). And I'll tell you something else. When you stop pressuring her by trying to persuade her to give the M another chance......and you let go and start enjoying life without her.........then we'll see just how much she is ready for you to move on without her. We'll see how much she's ready to fight for a R, when she feels she is the one being dumped.

You see, she is the one in charge right now. She has the power, so to speak. It's b/c she dumped you. A funny thing about humans is when they feel they have been the one dumped, for some reason discover they want the person who dumped them. This is often true in MR's.

You may wonder how this could be turned around, since she was the one to walk out. First of all, no more pursuing. (Are you following the 37 rules?). Act as if you have had an awakening (and I hope you have). Jump into carving out a life for you and your little girls. Take advantage of the times you don't have the kids over, and do all those things you use to enjoy when you were single. I am not telling you to get out and start chasing women! There are other ways of getting a life. Did you have a favorite hobby, liked sports, music, etc. what did you do in your spare time? You may never have another opportunity to be free enough to just do whatever you want. This is the time to discover new interests.

Instead of being focused all about her, and putting emotional pressure on her..........put focus on you and what you want. I can garantee you that it is a waste of time to press her about the M. Just back completely away. Stop talking to mutual friends, hoping they will intervene. Trust me, once you leave her alone and stop the pursuit, and you start GAL.........she'll know all right! And, if you are rather mysterious about your activities (especially who you are with), she will be very curious.

You must stop with the sad, lonely puppy routine, b/c this only turns her off. Don't try to make her feel guilty. If she returns out of guilt......it will not be the MR you want. She has to see/hear that you are not the same, and that you are happy! You may not understand how a woman's mind operates, but this is exactly what will cause her to question herself as to making the right decision. If you play your cards right, I definitely believe she will "fight" for a new MR with you.

BTW, if finances are tight, who paid for her little trip she took? Did she use money out of the savings? You may want to consider how to fairely divide the money in the accounts, if you haven't already. I'm sure you want to protect the savings you had toward a house.
Has there been a financial agreement?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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KyleR Offline OP
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Thanks for your post Sandi I found it really uplifting and positive to my situation. I will try to respond in 2 parts.

Firstly our relationship has been difficult since getting married, we have constant money worries and paid for the wedding pretty much all on credit which is still hanging over us. It felt like money was coming in one hand and out the other and we don't really have anything to show for it. There was also a constant struggle with childcare, both of us working full time and not really having any time for the children. I have a potential redundancy hanging over me too which could see me out of work in a few months. There has never been inappropriate communications with the opposite sex as far as I'm aware, I can say for certain on my part but I can't be 100% with my wife as I've never found out if there was.

With regards to her comments about the "old Kyle" I have changed a lot since having children. I used to be very social and would always go out with my wife to bars etc, people have said to me that I used to be the life and soul of the party and was someone that people would naturally gravitate too as I was confident, friendly and approachable, always making jokes etc. Now I have little interest in that as my idea of a good Saturday night is spent with my kids and feel guilty if I had a hang over the next day because it's unfair on them.

If I'm honest there are qualities of my old self that I would love to get back, I used to be so carefree and nothing ever fazed me but now I must admit I worry about every little thing. Even if it's things I can't control I will worry and saying this now I realise that it is not an attractive trait in somebody.

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Kyle,

Everything you just said is very in line with the challenges I have faced. Money was an issue for the first half of my MR.
I was carefree until having our first child. Staying home became more important to me.

As for becoming the person I was when we first met? This was a challenge my DB coach asked me about the first time. You can review my thread a couple of days ago and see my current view on that. But I also understand the value of trying to grab back some of who I was.

Money can be a big burden for a MR, and some say it is the number one reason couples divorce. I think it is simply a symptom as the real reason is deeper than that. Many couple that struggle financially stay together. But that is a topic for another time.

My point is your story matches many of ours, and your goal now should be to continue to search in you the traits that you can take accountability for and improve. And hold on to the traits that you have that are good, like being a great father and spending quality time with the kids.

Be well today my friend.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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KyleR Offline OP
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So I picked my kids up today and my wife looked like she has made no attempt with her personal appearance, she was still in slouchy clothes and hair was a mess (was 1:30pm). She was really warm and friendly with me, even sharing a joke with me, I left there with my head spinning. I just can't understand her demeanor or read her at all.

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Rule of DB
Believe nothing she says ad only half of what she does.

It keeps the head from spinning. A spinning head creates thought patterns that do not benefit.

Focus on the kids for today.

It will slow the spinning.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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KyleR Offline OP
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It's a hard thing to get into my head as myself and my W have always been so open and honest with each other.

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KyleR Offline OP
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Great day with the kids, just dropped them off which hurt because I won't see them now for just under 2 weeks.

When I arrived to the house she seemed happy but only gave me short responses to anything I said to her (was only talking about the kids and our day out).

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Kyle, you'll find she's better at DBing than you are for awhile (especially detaching), except your GAL, being a great D and being level headed will outshine her in every way. For now, she doesn't want R talks and that's all you want, you are emotionally connected to her actions and she's not...

Just turn your focus on you over these next two weeks, get out everyday and do something. Spend time with family and friends.

Do not reach out to her unless it's regarding your son, but don't reach out for your son if your doing it just to talk to her.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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