Hey Coconut. I never posted for the wknd, as I needed to make my own decisions, taking in everything I have learnt over the two months, about myself and this "process". I could blab on about my WW and her incongruent actions and words over the past few days, but if i can't believe anything she says and 50% of what she does, it appears pretty pointless.
It's been 2 months and 3 days since BD, and this is what I have gained:
1 - A deepening R with God, one where I control only the things which I can, the rest i give to Him. I never knew Him before this 2 - A deep R with my mother, where I have been open and honest about (almost) everything. If our R was at 30%, it is now at 90% 3 - Friends that I "never knew" that I had, that truly care about me 4 - Extended and close family that have helped me when I was on my worst, cementing relationships that I once took for granted 5 - A better understanding of what it takes to be a better father to my son, making the hard decisions to instil discipline that was sorely lacking, and in turn disciplining myself and my WW 6 - A new found purpose in life, and a better understanding of what we call UBUNTU (pronounced uu-boon-too) which means "humanity towards others".
What i have lost: 1 - A marriage, as I am completing the filing of my D 2 - A WW that is broken, an alcoholic, a liar, a cheat, someone who is now smoking weed with OM2, and someone who decided to not love or care about me a very long time ago.
So, to sum up, I have gained a new life, I am becoming the pheonix I spoke about a few weeks back. I am losing a M, yes, but sometimes when you it appears that things are falling apart, they are actually just falling into place.
I must see what God is telling me, I believe that He is saying, GET OUT, the time is right.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Thx Natus. I feel happiness inside. I used to think that God was something outside of me. I realise that the song "the greatest love of all" is really about finding God inside you. Zues asked me where do my control issues come from, and it's because I thought that I could control everything in my life, especially the things out-of-my-control. I must lose that control and let it go. I am doing it and learning more everyday.
I am sad on the outside, as I am trying to heal my broken heart for unrequited love. I was thinking this morning about whether or not my STBXWW was the one and the love of my life. With my own OW 13 years ago, I used to say, that she could only be "the one" if she wanted to, and I must admit, that my STBXWW is definitely not "the one". My heart will heal and it might break again, but that is life.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
DDJ, I know you said it's pointless to blab about your WW, but I think you should get it out. Sandi2 is right, you tend to swing far left and far right, and I wonder if your not acting on emotion when you decided to move forward with D.
I wonder if you should use the LRT prior to moving forward, I know that when I put a strong ultimatum down (no contact or I'm starting D process) that was when things turned around in my sitch.
Have you already told WW that you are moving forward with D?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Yes, and she is temp-checking at every opportunity.
I am not using LRT to get a reaction. I am D'ing because it's whats best for me and my son. OM2 is actually only leaving at the end of June, so it's going to be a long road for me. I am going to be using this time to detach.
I certainly know that D will not stop the pain or the hurt. I know that I will be able to heal with her in or out of my life. But right now, i choose to save myself, stand up for what i believe in and give up on my M to someone that does not love me.
I know that everyone here is pro-M, and I wish that I could stay married, however, I don't think it's the right thing to do. And that's taking emotions out of my decision.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I'm not so sure about everyone being pro M, I think it's more like pro choice.. Rooting for the LBS to make the decision on remaining M from a distance, through rational thought and desire.
For me, I hope everyone who wants to save their M is able to, but only if they can do it through an acceptance of what has occurred and an understanding of the work ahead to build a healthy and generally happy MR. The way I see it is if I found another person I wanted to be my W, that R would also be a lot of work, so for me, the key element is trust and desire.
Can I trust that my WW is committed to a new MR with me, can I trust that she comprehends the seriousness of adulatory and wouldn't stray again during the bad times (there will be more), can we desire each other enough to stay together in a M for the next 40 or so years. Can I trust that any decision I make is fully thought out, and that I comprehend the impact it will have on me over the next 40 years. If I leave, do I fully believe I will know I made the right decision in just 3 years?
You went from wondering if you should let her back in the MBR to D in the span of 4 days, I know when I make those kind of swings I'm coming from a place of emotion, so I would just caution you to take your time in making a big announcement. Go forward for the next few weeks with the mindset that your going to D, go dark, stay away from her, see if your happy with that decision over just the next few weeks. If you waiver over the next few weeks, then your probably not ready to make that decision yet.
I understand the desire to cut the cord and put this past you, I'm right there with you, I've made that "decision" a few times, only to change my mind the next day. I fully acknowledge that I don't know what I want, well I want this to have never happened but that's not an option, so for now I continue working on me and us. What will be will be.
Ps, it was nice to see everything you gained from this, and no matter what happens going forward, you will always be a better man for it.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on. I have done so. I have changed my actions and my feelings are changing.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being. I have done so.
Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own. I have done so.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things. I have done so.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change. I have done so.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing. I have done so.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel. I have done so.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness. I have done so.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things. I am doing this.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life. I have done so.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life. I have done so.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change. I am doing this.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Yesterday afternoon I took a nap, whenever I awake from sleep I have a clear mind. In that state I repeated the following in my head "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want". I don't know where it came from.
I immediately Googled it and read the rest of psalm 23. It is giving me peace.
I believe in karma, destiny and serendipity. But what's happening to me is something more powerful. I believe it to be divine intervention.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
