Finding myself and leaving my Wife to her MLC

[bttrfly]

Good for you! I have only gone on that one coffee date. Not sure I'm ready for more right now. Let us know how that goes, I am curious about life post MLC

[bttrfly]

and happy birthday. you will get thru the anniversary of BD just let the feelings come, deal with them and they will pass so much faster than if you try to ignore them or push them away; but you probably already know this.
ok, now I MUST get off this and go work

[HaWho]

Irish - thinking of you as 1st year BD approaches. I know how shocking it is to relive it all.

I went away for mine. Just didn't want to see my h that day. I am so glad I did. It changed me memory of that date. I stayed in a hotel by the ocean. I walked by the beach and read. On the 1 year anniversary I thought a lot about BD. But now, when I think of BD, I still remember what he did, but I ALSO remember that relaxing day by the ocean.

Perhaps you want to consider ways of etch-a-sketching that day?

[rd500]

Hi Irish. , just to say take your time re the dating. It's very easy to get caught up in a new R because it's just that , new

Your a lighthouse for lots of people on here and you love and caring for your Ds is always wonderful to read. I've said it before but they are two very lucky ladies

Stay strong and don't give BD day any power through thought It's just a day that doesn't need to be remembered. If something's not positive let it go.

Take care. Rd

[Irish M]

H trying to recreate all this.
Treats me like I'm his father.

It's a losing battle for me. He has to work this out. I cannot do anything but keep him in my prayers and move on. Oh, and refuse to participate in re-creating the decades long legal feud between his parents.

What an effing mess. So much pain and suffering. It will end here. xoxoxo

Hi bttrfly
thanks for the visit :-)

crazy (and I use that lightly) how they recreate their childhood trauma from their parents. I guess its their way of dealing with it. We pay the price of course. I just wish they would of learnt to avoid it rather than replay it with us as the main actors.

Let us know how that goes, I am curious about life post MLC

I would say it's me GAL. I know deep down I am going to protect my girls from any relationship I have. I've had some interest but I tend to scare them off or just avoid the big steps to a relationship. I am taking my time and not making any plans or having ideas. What happens, happens.

and happy birthday. you will get thru the anniversary of BD just let the feelings come, deal with them and they will pass so much faster than if you try to ignore them or push them away; but you probably already know this.

thanks xx. It was an amazing birthday. BD 1 year is tomorrow. Today was a rough day for the girls . I'll explain more below

Irish - thinking of you as 1st year BD approaches. I know how shocking it is to relive it all.
I went away for mine. Just didn't want to see my h that day. I am so glad I did. It changed me memory of that date.

Hi HaWho :-)
yes I want to do something i'll enjoy and keep me busy. It is a work day tomorrow but I hope to indoor wall climb in the evening then catch a movie with the girls. I know it will come and go so I won't let it flood my mind with that may 30 2015 day of the past.. it is the past after all.

Stay strong and don't give BD day any power through thought It's just a day that doesn't need to be remembered. If something's not positive let it go.

You are so right RD on this. You always seem to appear when I need guidance. Much appreciated.
Andy you are right on the dating. If I am in doubt then it means I am not ready. I get a lot of " oh you won't be single for long. Someone will snatch you up. You are a keeper. lol
My aunt is the funniest and sweetest. She says I am one in a million and being the father I am so many good women will be after me i'll have to fight them off with a stick. lol


I have been on a date. I've seen the same girl a few times. Activities like hiking in upper New York state to just a movie and diner. I won't date 2-3 at a time and I'm not openly looking. Right now we are just good friends. I besides I am jaded. I tend to ask a lot of questions on her childhood. How her parents treated her. Their separation. Her separation etc. lol looking for signs of MLC I guess.

So clearly not 100% ready.

My D15 and D13 were going own memory lane today. My oldest brought up the may 30 2015 night that my STBXW walked out leaving my D15 in tears . D15 that night was looking out the window at every passing car thinking it we her mom coming back. My D13 was sleeping at her friends house. D15 sat there all night. Me right next to her. She asked me why I didn't cry that night. I told her because she cried for both of us. I was more worried about my D15 than my feeling about my W.

I've been through this over 9 years ago with STBXW so it was a huge flash back for me and I guess I built up the knowledge that STBXW was in a new realm of reality.

D13 did seem sad today. No anger at least, only sadness for a family torn apart. I reminded them that one day they will have a relationship with their mother. Either she'll ask for it and be sincere or the D's will search her out. They both looked at me like I was nuts. D13 said she will have to earn it. I agree 100% with them but didn't tell them that. They are teens. D15 still says she can forgive her mom if she doesn't tell her the same crap she did at Xmas time on that one phone call of the year.

I think I set a great foundation for their mom coming back in their lives. I just hope STBXW uses it. Both girls know that their mom is not the same person. They witnessed more than me. They also know their moms family history of mental illness and bi polar. They know its a disease and can be managed if the person whats help. Sadly My D's continue to say they will never forgive is their grandmother. MIL encouraged her daughter to do this. Also has not reached out to her grand kids since Aug 2015. What grand mother would do that?

I know that if the relationship of my D's and their mom happens. The relationship of the grandmother would probably follow. I won't force either upon my D's. I won't prevent them either.

Well tomorrow BD 1 year. yippee.. lol ...do I get myself a cake. I'll be sure to be open to letting the feelings in and letting them go. Be supporting my girls but I think the discussions we had today they will be fine. So happy they tell me everything.

My D13 even brought up her liking this boy in a lower grade. I'm sure her mind will be busy with that at school tomorrow. D15 , hard at studying to prove she's not like her mom at failing out of high school. STBXW told her that in June last year. That she will fail because she's just like her. Those words have driven my D15 to a phenomenal year at school. I can only be thankful for that.

cheers everyone.

Irish

[Vapo]

Stay strong Irish, you'll get trough it... You are fighting a good fight here...

[Sotto]

Hi Irish, sounds like you are doing well in all circumstances - and like many you dipped a toe in the dating pool and realised you aren't ready - that's wise I think.

I can never understand sitches like yours where one parent just absents themselves and doesn't take steps to repair the relationship with the kids. I do think it shows there must be some significant brokenness there, and hopefully in time something can be rebuilt. I wonder whether in years to come XH and me may be on friendly terms again. If he stays with OW, I don't really see the prospect of that. I guess there needs to be a significant shift in outlook and successful facing of oneself for that to happen - running is easier I guess!

Take care xx

[bttrfly]

mornin Irish ... this is what i wish for you and the girls:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfJRX-8SXOs

it's a new dawn, it's a new day and i'm feelin' good ...
(not the Buble version - old school Nina Simone, baby!)

Auntie is spot on! Take your time. Now, on to something serious: when's the pool party ?

[bttrfly]

(hope i didn't break any rules with the link... if I did, I apologize)

[Irish M]

Hi everyone
I was going to stay off the forum today but I'm getting a flood of text messages

First of all, Sotto, Vapo thanks so much for you support :-)

Bttrfly, I love that song and it's in my cars hard drive. I also do an amazing karaoke version with my D13 on that song . Thanks for posting it:-) made me smile

So these text messages are not coming from STBXW but from my buddies wives

I have a group of friends from high school that are married. When I was with W they ( the wives) would contact me for activities. Pic nics, camping Ect.

STBXW had never reached out to them in the past and deleted them all a year ago. Now she's flooded them with invites .

Does it mean something? Probably not.
Is she trying to connect with friends like she has with her immediate family. Slowly trying to regain what she threw away.

I have read that they connect in this order ...with family, friends, kids, pets and last but least the spouse.

I know she's no where close to seeing and feeling regret or pain for the damage she has caused. Probably has a long way to go.

Just commenting and not analyzing. Finding it weird is all