Moving on

[Painter]

Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2676783&page=1

Not a whole lot to say except that I'm very, very angry.

Not sleeping or eating well. Feel like I'm living an episode of Dateline or 20/20.

More later.

[Painter]

I don't think they suffer that much, even if they do eventually regret. My WW STBXW made weird statements to self medicate like "if we ever get back together" writhing weeks of S. I think they see it as over as soon as they BD, so it's full steam ahead with the new... Or, I can always go back to LBS if I change my mind.. My WW still blames me for everything that didn't work in her eyes, so that has to be easy to leave...

WH kept talking about how we could maybe remarry down the road - how he knew lots of people who had done that.

I always wondered why he said that, but that's a great point - to self-medicate. Brilliant.

[annab74]

Painter, my H said the same thing about remarrying later on. He couldn't believe it when I told him no way, and once the D was done, so were we. I think it's pretty standard WW stuff. It's a safety net to help them actually go through with the D, because they think you will take them back if they aren't happy with their choices. After I convinced my H that would not be an option, he backed off on the D altogether.

[Zues126]

Funny, I think XW said the bit about getting back together in 5 year's time as well...she'd also say we could never be together again because we couldn't work for each other...sometimes in the same evening, or almost the same sentence.

As I said, I hope to never understand it.

And Painter, yes, I reread my old post. I was mixing up which post you were replying to.

Clearly in light of the information we've received you have to walk away and never look back. My old post was based on how you were talking at the time and within the information I had to work with off what you were posting.

I DB'd for months while my XW went through a number of guys without my knowledge. I'll never regret it. Her decisions are hers. My decisions are mine. I'll never regret making appropriate decisions just because she didn't. If that means I was played, well, that's the risk of trusting someone.

Now, whether I'll ever trust again is another topic. The problem there is that most people don't even think a trust was betrayed. How can you trust someone that doesn't think betraying you was wrong? The fact that she could post this crap on FB and not be unfriended by everyone and shunned just shows that most people aren't trustworthy because they think cheating and walking away is situationally appropriate.

I'm glad you're open about your anger. Anger is a healthy reaction as you know. It is there to give you the strength to do what you need to do. Feelings follow actions. While there's nothing you can do to feel better today, the anger can fuel you to continue to rebuild your life so someday you can feel something else.

In the meantime let me remind you to try to find something to appreciate. It's the only thing that's gotten me through, and as I've learned to be more appreciative, I've been happier than ever before, despite my wounds.

You know all of this, but since you know all of this you also know that me rambling is how I show support. Hang tough Painter, and keep walking the high road.

[Phoebe]

Zeus, I enjoy reading your rambling support for Painter.

Painter, I also think that your being angry at this stage is very healthy and empowering. Use every bit of that productive white anger to lift yourself up and move forward.

I haven't really been angry for more than a few hours since H walked, and I think that is probably a deficiency in me somehow. Even as angry as I was yesterday, it's now passed for the most part, and I just think he's pathetic.

It's just a long series of self-medication -illegal street drugs, an affair, the excitement of deceit and secrets, going to raves, pretending to be younger and going to 20s and 30s MeetUp groups, the excitement of brand new friends that know nothing about his past (and who he could therefore tell he was already divorced or separated), binge drinking, couch surfing. Truly sad and pathetic behavior in an so-called adult.

I wish you a good night's sleep, Painter. I have to say that hydroxyzine bought me 7 hours of sleep last night. I was pleased. DOn't forget that your anxiety meds are also good for sleep. My prescription actually says to take them for sleep!

(((((Painter)))))

[Painter]

Anna, I said the same thing to WH. I was shocked, and told him that if we split, I would probably never want to talk to him again. He sort of whined, 'But I thought we would be friends!' I looked at him incredulously and replied, 'Why on earth would I want to be friends with someone who treated me like this?' It seemed the coin dropped then. He still came back to it later, though. That he might move up here if I got a good job, so he could work less.

Zues, I enjoy your ramblings.
I think the reason OW hasn't had any negative reactions is that she has not shared with anyone the origin of the relationship. She is very selective with what she posts on her FB page, this is the most private she has ever been. Apart from that, it's all selfies with duckface (she's 61 going on 16...), selfies with different hair and makeup, pictures of her cellulite thighs and under-eye bags before and after treatments, her manicures, and food recipes. It's actually an astoundingly vapid page that reflects a completely superficial and uninteresting person. A perfect fit for someone who doesn't want a partner with independent opinions.

I don't regret anything I've done, either. I know I gave it my all and still respect and honor my M. That's about me and not about WH.

And I do appreciate many things. Right now, I am in awe of all my lovely friends - it seems I have many more than I knew! - who are rallying around me. I'm also grateful every day for my amazing son who is so caring and loving and takes care of me like I'm an invalid. I keep telling him to be careful because he's giving me no reason to want to move out.

I'm also thrilled to have the next three days off. I just hope I get to sleep so I can focus on doing something.

I wonder how many of the waywards who say the same thing about potentially getting back together. I guess they say it to comfort themselves.

Phoebe, I hope you get some anger soon! Do you think your H is going through a MLC? It sort of sounds like it to me. Desperate to be young again.

I also feel that WH is pathetic and a sad figure - and I actually feel sorry for him because he in many ways is gullible and easily manipulated himself. I really think OW is bad news for him. But he will most likely never learn because he's not interested in learning.

But I'm still furious about the way he has treated me - because I know how he can look when he gets away with something he thinks is clever, the smirk on his face. And the disregard for my feelings.

I have taken my medication for sleep several nights in a row, but still only get a few hours. I hope to do better tonight.

[roist]

Best wishes. Did you find something to appreciate?

[SH_]

Hi painter,

Just a pop in to support you.

Have you reviewed Vanillas threads on anger?
Great stuff and may be worth a read for you as you are in that stage.

Keep your chin up. You are a great person and a fool leaving does not change that.

[Painter]

Hi Roist,

I slept well and got enough hours. I did wake up once but went right back to sleep, and that's usually the challenge.

In addition to the things I mentioned above that I appreciate, we had a fantastic full rainbow and part of a second one across the sky when I left work yesterday!

[Painter]

So an update from Crazytown:

I e-mailed yesterday with WH about wanting the rest of my stuff out of there and someone else to have the key to my storage, and splitting joint bank accounts (we both bank elsewhere now but do some shared stuff). He said he was sorry I felt that I couldn't trust him. (He has never been seriously dishonest about anything but OW. As far as I know.)
I said after seeing the ring, I felt there was nothing left to talk about and I wanted to minimize interaction.

He reacted with surprise and insistence that he had not bought her any ring, that I had full control of all our funds (which is right). I sent him screenshots of her ring pictures and posts, and of her saying to friends they would get married this year, and of the wedding dresses. I got a brief "WTF?!" back.

The next morning, he e-mailed me that he had never bought her a ring or known about these posts (he's not on FB), and that he had been completely taken aback by this, and he actually said thanks for letting him know.

When he asked (last night, I assume), she said that she had bought the ring, and he assumes it's in a box somewhere since she's not wearing it. So he didn't get to actually see it. I suspect she doesn't even have it... She is supposed to be broke, and with credit card debt. That was a 2k ring, I guarantee (could of course explain the cc debt).

He said he was shocked and had some processing and major thinking to do.

This would be the first time he didn't back down when confronted with evidence. It could of course be because this is so big he knows it could have ramifications. But he sounded very serious.

He also said he had told SD (on my request) that she did not have to hide anything from me, that she was not to keep his secrets. I e-mailed her and told her what had gone down and asked her to support her dad if he is in a pickle.

I am more than a little creeped out by this woman if it is like WH says. The text messages she sent me last year were very disconnected from reality - like someone who thinks that if they just say something, it is real. Maybe she read too much Power of Intent.

I have dealt with crazy before, WH's ex-wife was diagnosed with a major personality disorder and was really scary. Very abusive to the children. Narcissists are actually often victims of scammers and manipulative people, their weakness is their ego and that they always expect something good coming to them (because they think they deserve it just for being who they are).

I'm actually feeling much better for myself, though. I have spent the day with my son, we took the dog and went for a walk in a nice park where all the dogs can run free (she's exhausted now!), and then we grilled burgers for dinner and ate on the deck. The weather is gorgeous. I seem to be sleeping okay and eating more normally again.

WH has texted a lot today - some business, some just chatting. I sent him a photo of our dinner on the deck. It's raining where he is, so he's cooped up inside with Crazy Suzy Homewrecker. (Insert creepy suspence music from your favorite horror movie.)

Am I very bad to get just a little bit if amusement out of this? If it got serious, I would of course not find it funny... but right now, I take a little satisfaction in the consequences that are hitting him right between the eyes...