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Si_07 #2681563 05/29/16 08:25 AM
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Could be! However, when she becomes inquisitive about your life, I think she'll start asking questions about your GAL activities.

To me, it sounds like she is wanting you to be curious/interested in what she is discussing..........whether it's about her or something else.

Depending on the length of time the couple has been apart and if there is a third party involved, as to whether the H can slowly contribute to the conversations. And of course, if she is wayward, her attitude and level of respect should be a gauging meter for him.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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There have been questions from the kids but not from her directly to me.

The leading statements would be about her and some things she is doing or has done. Should I be asking sometimes?

There is a third party involved at least on an emotional level, I haven't been able to confirm if it's more than that. The kids have not seen him or been introduced to him. She said things to me in anger about him but everyone else (that I could find) got told there is no affair going on. He is a work colleague and part of her group of friends at work that are all single or no kids.

She hasn't been as angry as she used to be, in fact, I find she is almost reaching out for guidance or maybe to be lead at times. I have found what she has said to friends (again from what I have found out) and how she is with me at times to be poles apart.

There are no direct signs that she wants to work on us and she is still together with the group at work that includes this 'friend' and I don't want to try and read into much she does or says.

One of my changes in dealing with her is just being more assertive about decisions without being arguementative of difficult. I was one to ask her too much what she wanted as opposed to what I wanted.

Si_07 #2681572 05/29/16 09:16 AM
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The hardest part for me sometimes is the feeling I screwed up my chance at saving this M last year when this all started. When she first had these thoughts for someone else but says she chose me. I did so many things wrong since I was going through my own crisis at the time. I somthered her and fought with her when I didn't feel she was doing the things she said she would. Her actions were not meeting her words. Neither of us did the work on ourselves that we needed to do, it was always my problem and I was the one that needed fixing, not her. Rather than get stronger, I was crashing in my own crisis.

Si_07 #2681573 05/29/16 09:23 AM
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I think it's great you are addressing your own issues and problems, as that is something you can actually control. Everyone makes mistakes in life and has issues. You are admitting yours. Even if you didn't make mistakes or have issues in the past, it may have done nothing for your R. Nobody knows the real answer, so why worry about the past? I feel exactly the same, but know that in a M it is suppose to be a team effort, one person can not name it work, nor would I want to be with someone that doesn't do some of the work and only blames me.


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
Si_07 #2681584 05/29/16 11:16 AM
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I'm also aware that we lost our emotional connection, that we were not listening to each other. I know it was something that was very strong with us at the beginning, especially my ability to just listen to her. It had always been a strength of mine, I have had so many friends turn to me and it does hurt that I lost that ability with the one that should have mattered most. I know it's said that I didn't break her and I know I can't fix her right now, I accept this.

I was talking to a mutual friend the other night, he plays Ultimate Frisbee with a bunch a people, something my W used to play during university. It was something I had suggested W and I go join together but she wouldn't go. Friend told me he dragged her there last week. I just thought that's typical of my W, she needs dragged, she rarely will do things for herself. So many things I tried to encourage her to do, find activities, hobbies but she wouldn't do it then blames me for stopping her going out. She has always had these plans, wants to do this or that but will not plan it. I had to do everything which normally I can do, I am also working more on learning the principles of leading better. The difficulty last year for me is I was completely burnt out from building a house and her 'friends' were more carefree and fun.

The biggest part of my rebuild is exploring more, having been training more and having more energy is helping with that. I have been pushing outside my comfort zone, meeting new people, trying new activities and generally been happy with life. My connection with my kids is so much better, I was concerned that it would be difficult when picking them up that they would stick with W but not a bit of it. They are so happy to see me. One thing that W has mentioned on several occasions over the past months is how much better I am with the kids. She mentioned at the beginning of the year she didn't trust it could be with her, that's why I understand that everything I do is a lasting change for a better me no matter what happens.

Sometimes I have wondered if I should include W in the odd activity that I know she would enjoy and the general feeling from people is mixed. Some say yes as we have had some space now, some still say no and leave it awhile longer.

Si_07 #2681626 05/29/16 03:43 PM
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Have been lying in bed having a bit of Sunday night insomnia, thinking over my marriage. As I lie here, I'm really not sure I want my W back anymore. The reason I have no expectations is that I fully believe she will never look at herself as part of the problem. One of my biggest issues over the years was when she went out, all I ever asked was if she was going to be later than she said could she let me know or have some way of reaching her if something happened. Now my son is 7, for only 1 year of his life has she carried a cell phone, this past year. When she went out I never had a way of reaching her. She would use the words, I'm going out to escape.

She told me she would want the kids 100% if she could, I'm lying here thinking of that was the case and she wanted to go out, would she contact a babysitter if she was going to be late... It's suddenly a question I want to ask her, don't think I will hit if she said yes she would but wouldn't give me that courtesy, who am I with?

I really think now that this is the life she really wants, the part time mum position, a part time family. And if that's the case, that is not someone that I want to be with at all. I just feel now that she has always had this lurking under the surface. It's always been about her.... Words have always been cheap to her, actions rarely follow and I just don't see that changing.

When we got together, we did long distance from the beginning, she could do what she wanted and then call me at anytime of day or night and talk to me about everything, then go about her daily life again. I guess I feel nothing really changed when I gave up everything and moved to be with her. There have been patches of me feeling part of a team and couple but have always felt it was imbalanced. I guess I see now here I didn't create the right healthy boundaries for me, this team has been imbalanced from the beginning.

I've heard her say, how she doesn't know how she doesn't love me like I loved her... For me it's because she hasn't wanted to, hasn't had the will to and (maybe I'm wrong on this) now I question if she ever will. She will always find a way to blame me, always has. The amount of times she told me 'I have to get to know you again' especially after heated discussions, and I always went trying to prove myself again. I don't want that anymore....

I want to walk away!

Si_07 #2681718 05/30/16 04:22 AM
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So had S7 at the dentist this morning, didn't go well and he will need a full anesthetic for the work to be done. He gets panicky when the tools start. W didn't come with, not surprised though. I sent her an email saying it didn't go well and I'll be making a new appointment. Her response was to suggest therapy for him... I pretty sure he just needs the love of his family but not that I can say that to her I'm sure.

Si_07 #2681768 05/30/16 08:55 AM
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Had several questions from S7 today of who looked after the cat while we were away. I had just answered that friends looked after him. Well he started questioning again this afternoon and when I asked why it was so important for him to know, he said "Mummy asked me and she wanted to know".

Now do I leave it alone with the vague answers to the kids or do I pull her up on asking the kids and not me directly....

Si_07 #2681937 05/31/16 05:05 AM
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So I have female 'coach' for improving myself and she gave me this list for being successful with woman. I'll risk it with our wonderful women on this board by putting it up here and see what people think. I found I have not followed quite a few in my time but will keep learning.

1. Laugh in the face of rejection

2. If you want anything in life, you have to ask for it

3. You are a MAN and men go after what they want

4. Real, Masculine men don't have to be jerks to attract women

5. All women want excitement so give it to them

6. You do not need permission to approach and talk to women

7. If you ever feel nervous, breath, relax and listen

8. Rejection has nothing to do with you

9. Before you approach a women, drill down your intention to 1 simple WANT instead of a grand desire

10. You can walk away from a woman whenever you want

11. Don't put women on pedestals

12. Make direct eye contact, stand tall and smirk

13. Remember this is for YOU not for "her". It only becomes about her, when you decide

14. All women want to be understood so try to understand them by asking questions and LISTENING to their responses

Si_07 #2681940 05/31/16 05:16 AM
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I also asked her opinion about leading and this was her response:

Leadership is all about getting your control back and no longer asking for permission to do things. It's knowing what you want and then asking for it without apologizing and fluffing up your language as to not insult.

Example: I want to take you out for dinner on Friday vs. it would be great if we went out sometime.

Both are similar statements but send very different messages to people
especially women.


She has given me an exercise for this week to be aware of how I am with everyday life in how I use language. For example, when I go to the grocery store, do I get mixed up talking to the woman behind the meat section. No, I know what I want and I approach her and say what I want.

I understand more to when Sandi says about getting the respect back regardless of how it make the WW feel. Don't be confrontational about it, just strong, assertive and at times direct. You know what you want, why are we scared of one person and how they might react. I have seen so many occasions now were I rewarded poor attitude and behaviour. It's amazing how some are so little but can make a big impact.

I love finding this stuff out and putting it into practice now, doing what I want. Even telling my W what I want regarding the kids, I have noticed her reactions when I have just been clear about what I want. She is not used to it and it has taken her aback. It's not about being cold or vindictive, I'm just finally standing up and doing what I want. I love it!

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