Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 2

[PsySara]

Part 1

Some new events have evolved in the last 2 days. I was thinking about scheduling H and I for the 2 day intensive with MWD. I went through H's email and found he had a vacation scheduled for the first week of August and he was asking for more work hours during that week. This would mean he would be unnecessarily absent from me and the weeks for an additional week (he works out of state). His boss hadn't responded yet so I decided I would try and schedule the intensive during that time. I texted H and asked when vacation was scheduled this year. He responded he had no vacation...so he lied. The last big blow up we had was because he lied and he promised 100% honesty after that no matter the embarrassment.

I texted back that I knew he had vacation coming in August, that he again lied and worst, was still focusing on work/money over his family and prioritizing us. I texted it was time for me to move on and stop waiting for him to turn back towards our marriage.

And honestly, I am so done.

He has tried to call twice so far and I haven't answered. I will text him today that I am not talking on the phone and I will text the kids needs.

I am doing this because I need some space to gather my thoughts and decide how I am going to do the separation/divorce. He has made it abundantly clear that he feels no remorse about the pain he has caused me and the resulting damage to our family. He continues to make decisions that give him instant gratification and avoid reconciliation. Meanwhile I am at home raising our children on my own and doing the work necessary to strengthen myself and move on.

I had a fantasy that I would raise my kids in a loving and whole marriage. I wanted to give them the childhood I lacked. But I can't MAKE him realize the enormity of what he has done. Earlier I had given him a list of what I needed for him to work on regaining my trust and reconciling, he has done none of it. This was 6 months ago. He has shown me contempt, disrespect, cruelty and immaturity. I know patience is the key to DBing but when do I say "No more" and refuse to be treated like dirt? I am sad to say I don't think I have what it takes to wait for him to come around and begin the work to fix himself. I am working on me and moving on, I am done.

[SH_]

Sara,

That is quite the development for your journey.
I can not really share any thoughts nor advice, but I do share my support of you and admire the strength that you are demonstrating. I believe that making the decision you are making is a very personal one and the time and confidence to make it is uniquely individual for everyone.
In the short time of following your story, I do see tremendous strength and dedication from you and I would confidently say you and your children will be okay. Your futures are bright and as you continue to push forward, very special opportunities will present themselves for the taking.

You and your family are in my prayers and I will be here to lend moral support as you stay in touch.

[PsySara]

Thank you so much SadHub.

H just tried to call again. I didn't answer but texted:

"I am giving myself some time alone, I'll text if the kids need anything. I have some thinking and decisions to make."

My heart is racing and my hands are shaking but I am feeling certain in my decisions. I am taking the kids to the mall today with some friends. I need to buy some shoes and clothes for my new upcoming job in July. I also have to buy the baby some more clothing, he is growing faster than I can keep up!

[Vanilla]

Sara

You can let go (be done as you call it, although it's not that) and still stand. You can stand until you no longer choose to do so.

Ultimatum, demands and lists will weigh you down and give another the burden of meeting expectations.

Instead think of this as stopping letting your H actions, behaviours and lies from determining you. You determine you.

What you have just had is a spell break moment, now you know you can not unknow. There will be more clarity to come.

That is perfectly as it should be.

V

[PsySara]

Thank V.

I am spiraling right now. Lots of weird dreams involving H last night, I don't remember details but recall waking up feeling angry and sad. A mutual friend, who knows about the affair, has asked if he can speak with H. They come from the same culture and he thinks a male person who knows about the cultural couching can maybe talk some sense into H. H has avoided all contact with this friend since the affair was exposed as he is ashamed. So I am not sure if this would have any affect on H.

I think today I am just going to wallow a bit. I am feeling pretty defeated. Never in a million years did I think this would be my reality. I never thought I would have to consider divorce proceedings and how the custody of the kids would be determined. I never, ever thought my H would be this utterly heartless person. It's like his family represents a billion dollars and all he has to do is work hard at earning it, but he doesn't. It's like he won't even try. I know I need to schedule a session with my coach but I feel so hopeless and despondent today.

Last night he sent a text asking to facetime with the kids. I handed the phone to D5 and hit the facetime button and walked out of the room. I heard him talking to her but spent time upstairs sorting through the kid's new clothing. H texted me something about how he wished he knew I was planning to buy the kids a particular toy (I guess D5 showed him her new robot toy I purchased that day) and I didn't respond. In the greater scheme of things, does it really matter? The spiteful part of me wanted to respond, I wish I knew you planned of wrecking your family you selfish #$%&$%^&#%. Instead I just didn't respond.

[PsySara]

So I texted H this morning that I wanted to call. He texted back to call him. Initially he was very defensive and wanted to know how I knew when his vacation was scheduled and how I knew he volunteered to work extra hours. I told him we'd discuss that later. At this moment I wanted to discuss the fact I was thinking of scheduling an intensive session with MWD for two days in Boulder and wanted to know if he would be agreeable to accompany me. (this was suggested by Virginia at the DB office) I told him I would prefer him to come so she would have a more complete picture before giving direction but his presence was not required. He hemmed and hawed, demanded to know how I would arrange childcare etc., and then said he wasn't interested "in some marriage counselor telling him how he messed up." I told him this wasn't MC but more of a person to offer me guidance and solution focus when it comes to making decisions. He refused. At this time I haven't scheduled the session but will look over my calendar before I decide.

For the next hour he opened up and said a LOT of things. I spent most of my time quiet and either validating or asking questions. I did try to explain a few things to him but mostly just listened. He was floundering and sometimes contradictory but here are the highlights:

-He is not comfortable around me, feels intensely awkward when in my presence. He says it's nothing I am doing, rather I am doing everything right but he is struggling with his own discomfort.

-He isn't interested in being with anyone right now. He just wants to be alone and have space. He wants to work until he drops from exhaustion as this is the only time he finds peace. Work and being with his kids are the only pleasurable thing for him right now.

-He is simply looking out for himself right now. He wan't divorce me simply for two reasons, it would be embarrassing if he had to tell people he was getting divorced because he cheated and he is afraid of losing the kids

-He isn't interested in seeing a counselor to "tell some stranger what I did." I did ask him how his method or working and "trying to forget everything" (his words) would work out in the long term. HE said he wasn't sure if this was forever but for now it's all he could do.

-He thinks I am pretty, nice and sees I am changing. He has no idea why he still feels so uncomfortable with me. He will not give me affection or love right now. He is not capable. I did not ask any questions about this, he volunteered these words.

There was a lot more but like I said, he is super confused and contradictory. I won't lie, hearing him tell me he felt no love for me and that my mere presence made him miserable broke my heart...again. But I repeated to myself, "Believe nothing he says, only half of what he does." Most importantly I managed not to engage in an argument and to let him talk without becoming angry or defensive. I feel this may make him feel safe and maybe...just maybe feel safe enough to dive back into our marriage. In the meantime I will continue to focus on myself and my kids. I feel sad...I feel confident...I feel all mixed up. Guess it's one more day to stand up and brush off the dust and try again, huh?

[PsySara]

Oh the big point

-He said he was moving down to my place in September regardless of his employment status.

[SH_]

Hi Sara,

If I were to take what you posted, I would say that your H needs some serious counseling. He has a lot of conflict and dare I say guilt. He wants what is comfortable, but does not want responsibility for his actions.
You taking an opportunity for a session with MWD is a great chance to help you even if he does not participate.

You continue to do the right things for yourself and your kids and things will work out regardless of what that looks like down the road. You are really doing well in spite of it all.

(((SadSara)))

Keep your chin up, you are doing great.

[Vanilla]

I agree with SH tons.

It's wise advise.

V

[JksD]

Hi Sara,

Your H does sound like he's still in the fog; he's so confused and all over the place.

There is a lot of guilt. That is why they can't look us in the eyes and why they always seem so angry with us. Mindreading here, but even if your H still loves you, he would never admit it because what kind of person does all these horrid things to someone he loves?

At the risk of being obnoxiously pushy, I am going to post cherry's link here.

Project cherry. Broken, but not defeated


A lot of what you are going through, she has gone through as well. I thought it will be useful for you to see how things have progressed for her and she may be able to commiserate with you better. Your Hs seem to be reading from the same scripts at times.

And like you, Cherry, is one hot sassy mama.