What if he's not committed?

[PsySara]

I have a thread in Newcomers but have been really struggling with some thoughts about whether or not to hang on in hopes that WH will be worth all the work I have been doing. A timeline for brevity sake:
2006: H and I meet at med school and we keep in touch for 3 years and decide to marry (I was out of country at med school and he was state side)
2009: Marry and H starts residency
2010: DD born
2012: I start residency and have DS in November
2013: the commute between 2 residencies proves to be too much and we live in two different states and drives up to see me and the kids every chance he gets
2014: HE graduates from residency and begins working in another state every other week, he flies in on his weeks off and our marriage appears to be leveling out, though I am single parenting half a month I look forward to us living under one roof as soon as I complete residency. We both agree upon my graduation that we will move to my home state.
Oct 2015: I am pregnant with #3 child, talking on the phone one night H admits he is in a relationship with a co-worker, denies PA but says he wants to make her a second wife, while this is legal in our religion the way he was going about it is forbidden. He comes home and I restore deleted messages and find they had sex the week before 3 times. D-day Oct 7th he admits it and states he loves her and wants to marry her too. I tell him I will divorce him, demand NC and threaten to kick him out for good. He refuses outright NC and states he needs to "let her down slowly." I speak to her no the phone a week after d-day and she agrees to not communicate with him at work since they are not in direct work contact. When he goes back to work state they have multiple conversations and I feel like I am dying every time. HE still refuses NC.
Nov 2015: OW goes for knee surgery and will be out of work for 2 months. I tell H if he doesn't send her a NC text that I will call his HR and also inform his family. He tells me he hates me and then sends the text to her. She argees to NC, for the next 2 months he appears to be coming around and starts showing signs or remorse, answering my questions, apologizing, attends MC a few times. The stress is still very hard on me and I end up in the CCU twice after my heart rate gets into the 160-170s, heart studies show an arrhythmia which the cardiologist states may be secondary to stress. They monitor me during the pregnancy and worry I may need to be cardio-verted when I go into labor.
Jan 2016: Ow returns to work, H and I have many conversations where he admits to wanting to talk to her. I tell him it will only hurt me and our marriage. One week after she returns to work he goes up to her and talks for 1.5 hrs, he admits this to me afterward. I lose control and scream at him 4 hours telling him I will call his HR and have both of them fired and humilated just so they can feel my pain. He pleads with me and says he will do whatever to prevent this. I agree to not say anything, when he comes home he is completely shut down and cold to me, he admits he feels no love for me anymore and is thinking about approaching OW and asking her to be his second wife again. I visit a lawyer and he tells me the divorce would not be complete by the date I will move. I have no choice but to wait. I grudgingly allow H to be present when I go into labor, during that time he just sits in a chair and barely looks at me, does not talk to me, I have never felt so alone in my life. I felt no joy when my son was born, I felt numb and broken. H stays home for all of February, I go into bad Post partum depression and contemplate suicide, I tell this to H and tells me should get some help and then leaves the room. Meanwhile he tells me he prays a special prayer to ask God if he should approach OW about marriage, he tells this to me as I sob while holding our infant son. H shows no emotion except for contempt at my pain.
March-April 2016: I kick him out twice and the last time it's because I demand NC and he tells me he wants to freedom to talk to her, he tells me he wants to be near her because he misses her. I kick him out, tell him I will divorce him as soon as I am able, seek full custody of the kids. He goes back to work, starts texting me the next day saying he misses the kids. I text OW telling her she is welcome to H and that I am reporting this to HR and parents. I send a certified letter to her parents, tell my in laws over the phone. OW texts me a week later, her parents have received the letter and she is quitting her job and moving back home with them. H again texts me saying he will so whatever necessary to be near the kids. He still says he doesn't love me but maybe he will be my friend as long as he can be near the kids. I start reading about DBing, I get a coach. I've been DBing for about 1.5 months and trying to detach.

Now for the crux of the situation:
H still works in other state though he could have quit and sought new employment a looooong time ago. He simply chooses to stay in other state until he darn good and ready to move. He informed me last night that he won't likely quit and move until Sept, a year from dday. HE does not appear remorseful, his main emotions are anger, irritation, coldness. He still has poor boundaries with other women and has not attended IC to get to the root of his dysfunction. I am not sure if I should continue to do DBing or simply inform him I am going to start the separation process with the goal to file for divorce in December. MWD says that a marriage can recover from infidelity of both parties are willing to work hard. Well he does not appear to be mildly interested in being remorseful to me. My coach says he's a WAS. I feel like I am being a fool by even considering recomciliation when H hasn't brought it up or even asked how to reconcile. So folks, especially BTDT folks, advice?

[twinmom]

Sara, correct me if I'm reading into this wrong but I get the feeling you really aren't okay with a polygamist lifestyle. I think you need to step back and figure out FIRST if you're really okay sharing him with anyone.

Next, I would stop the demands and threats and just focus on you and the kids. Think about where your support system is and how to maximize their help. Do things for you and think about "who" you were when you met him. Try to regain YOU.

[PsySara]

I told him before we married that I would not be in a polygamous marriage. At the time he laughed and said he wouldn't either. I told him immediately after the affair was revealed that I would divorce him posthaste if he tried to marry someone else. Regardless, he is forbidden to marry someone he commit adultery with so it's academic. The Ow isn't even permissible to marry anyways as her parents definitely wouldn't let their Christian daughter be a second wife to a Muslim man. In Christianity it's adultery.

[twinmom]

You need a consult with a lawyer just to be educated on your rights & to give you an idea of what the financial side might look like. You don't need to say a word about this to your H, just be informed.
Then you need to focus on you, how is your social life? Hobbies? Interests?

Take the focus off of H and put it on you! Make yourself a woman only a fool would leave.

[PsySara]

I already consulted with a lawyer when all this went down. H stands to be ruined financially. I can't file for divorce until DEc 2016 as I am moving and the state requires you live there for 6 months before you can file.

I've been trying to GAL but hobbies are fairly difficult. I have 3 children under 6 (one born in Jan) and work full time. I am single parenting every evening and when I am not on call for the weekends. The nanny is stretched pretty thin by the time I come home so asking for more hours is out of the question. I move at the end of June and should get some relief as I am moving where there is family.

[twinmom]

Good, do you belong to a ymca or gym? Most have a supervised play room. You can go exercise your anger/frustration out & the kids can be in the play area. Exercise is great stress relief. What about friends in your current area? Book club at your house after the kids are in bed?
When my H left my twins were almost 2 and I was 6more pregnant. I also had a 13yr & 8yr old boys from my first marriage. (And no family help) so I understand how tough it is to be social.
Try to get creative.