Jumping right into this one, I'm just trying to figure out if I'm making a bunch of mistakes...
Last Wednesday, S5 had a baseball game (my night, my town, etc) and we were going into my weekend. After the game, S5 & S2 really like going for pizza and then to a new gelato place in town. S5 asked his mom if she'd come with us. S2 overheard and started essentially begging his mom to come with us. She said no. She said she was too busy to go and her excuse was that she had a communion party to go to on Saturday....yes four days from then. The excuse doesn't even make sense, it was for a kid of one of her friends. S2 got really upset and started crying. XW picked him up and walked him to the car as S5 started in on the invite again. Again, she said no, "too busy". I said, "Why don't you come get a slice with us, it'll take 20 minutes, you won't see the kids again until Tuesday." Again, no.
Fast forward to today, Sunday on my weekend. She hasn't seen the kids now for days and asks about getting together for breakfast. I couldn't do breakfast bc I took the kids to the zoo early but told her I was cooking at home tonight and she was more than welcome to come have dinner with us. She responded that she would be bringing her own dinner for herself and not be staying long (yes, you read that right) She didn't offer to bring anything for the boys, nothing. She got here 20 minutes late and didn't have anything with her. She sat at our dinner table and watched us eat. The boys asked her why she wasn't eating and she had the b***s to tell them, "Daddy only cooked for you guys, I'll eat my dinner tonight." I of course offered her a plate, as I cooked for about 10, she said no. The kids tried to get her to have a bit of theirs, she said no. Dinner took about 30 minutes. Afterwards the kids asked if they could play the Wii for a bit before bed, I said yes. She started to say goodbye and I was a bit confused. This is the same woman that blasts me every single chance she gets about how much she "loves her babies." I said, "Hey, the kids aren't going upstairs for showers for another 1/2 hour, you're more than welcome to stay and hang out with them."
Her reply, "I haven't even eaten dinner yet."
I didn't say anything and I guess that pissed her off bc she kissed them both on the head, didn't say anything, stormed out and let my screen door slam.
The kids didn't even look up, I'm not sure they even knew she left. That simultaneously comforts me and breaks my heart.
What the hell am I doing wrong here? I can't live like this.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
Either your ex is feeling so guilty that she can't tolerate being around you and feeling that guilt, or the novelty of her new romance is wearing off and she's having uncomfortable feelings of regret when she's around you.
Either way, you behaved appropriately. I would probably stop inviting her to stay or eat with you but I understand you're just trying to ease things for the kids. Still, it could look like you're pursuing her.
My guess, given her poorly thought out answers, is that she doesn't have any idea why she's reacting the way she is, so resist the temptation to read her mind. Just keep being a great dad, keep building a great new life for yourself, and try to maintain some Buddhist compassion for your ex when you can.
Thanks KML, this phase is obviously new to me and I'm struggling. So when she asks about seeing the kids for breakfast or something like that on my days, I should say no in your opinion?
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
You arent' doing anything wrong. Her actions are sad, but there is nothing you can do to influence them one way or another.
Your best bet until she is in a place to act as an appropriate mother and adult is to keep your parenting time separate. Explain to them Mommy's nights and Daddy's nights. My daughter was an infant when we split, so I have gone thorugh all the stages. She is 8 now. We are at a place we can be civil and spend a night or 2 a year together for her sake. There was a time that it wasn't the best idea and we just had to explain it to her.
In my opinion, if she is acting this way, I would probably say no on seeing the kids for breakfast. That's just what I would do. If I had nothing planned, I might tell her she could take them for breakfast without you. She does not properly know how to act with you around, clearly. Until she figures that out, you might be better off doing things separately.
You are doing just fine, there is no book on this stuff, and it sure is hard. You are doing great.
She is being horrid. You did everything right. Like what the others have said, she is probably feeling very confused. When they are confused and unhappy, they take it out on us.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Based on your description, it doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong at all. Sounds like she feels bad/guilty/angry...whatever...and is acting in that manner. I may see things from a little bit of a different perspective since my children were adults when I went through my D, but she seems to be acting kind of childish. How terribly unfortunate for you and the kids.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I'm not sure how I feel about the "fog." My XW is making major life decisions that to me, are way beyond a causal affair. Her family and OM family are essentially one new family at this point, so there would have to be enough "fog" for 10-20 adults.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
