Uncharted Waters

[job]

I'm glad he's doing so much better this time around. Maybe he's waking up a bit and starting to feel better about his life and himself. No matter what the reason, enjoy the time you spend w/him...but keep those expectations at zero.

Enjoy the weekend!

[2Times2Many]

Thanks, Job. My expectations are near zero. He cancelled out on the trip to the nail salon and I was just fine with that. Not that I didn't want him to go ... it just didn't make a difference to me and didn't stop me from indulging a bit.

He came over later in the afternoon and then we went to dinner. We talked about the book we both read and he said it had helped him a lot. I remarked that he seemed to be a good place and he said he was trying to just be happy with who he is and that he is much calmer now. I said that I was happy for him and said he seemed to be a very angry man for a while. (Maybe I shouldn't have said that!) But he acknowledged, saying he still has his moments, but on the whole he doesn't "lose it" anymore.

We talked a bit about BIL and he said I could vent to him anytime about BIL. I said tried to not to do that because I didn't want to sound like a nag and felt like he was sick of hearing me on that subject. He said, no, that he learns a lot about what's going on here when I vent. Still, I am trying to keep a lid on that and will continue to do so.

He asked me if I had done any thinking about the future. I assumed he was alluding to my thoughts about how to settle things in a D. I just said I hadn't given a lot of thought to it and that I was just marching in place at the moment. He dropped the subject and the D word did not come out of his mouth or mine. There was really no talk about the future other than I'm testing out living without the income from the business. I explained that I would have to do that some day and needed to figure out if I could do that where I'm living now.

He did talk about some of the daily stuff he does over there and added again ... it fills the time.

We talked about my trip to NYC and I remarked that I had a great time but the night after I got home was kind of a downer because I wanted to talk about my adventure, but there was no one here to talk to. It was a round-about way of saying I missed having him here, I suppose. He immediately perked up and smiled and it wasn't my impression that it was a vindictive type smile, but one of hearing something he wanted to hear. I could be wrong. Only time will tell I guess. He finally said that if I wanted to talk about an adventure, just let him know and he'll make time to listen.

Conversation was a little awkward at times ... long silences ... but I tried to fill the void with small talk and chit chat. I have come to recognize when he has something on his mind and is reluctant to bring it up and saw it again. He seemed uncomfortable and acted as though he had something he wanted to say but was holding back. I didn't push. If that's the case, he'll open up when he's ready ... good or bad.

The most awkward moment came when the subject of what it's like for him to stay at his parent's house came up. He ticked off what he didn't like there that was available here and he looked at me as though he was waiting for me to tell him it's okay to stay here. Very awkward moment. I'm sitting there thinking, "Ask. All you have to do is ask! The door is wide open. Just walk through it." But he didn't. I could see the thought going through his mind, but the words didn't come out.

It's kind of funny ... I feel like he opened a door for me to ask him back and I opened a door for him to ask to come back and neither of us walked through a door. It seems to me that both of us want the same thing and neither of us is brave enough to take the first step. It's like we're at a stalemate with him wanting to stay here but afraid I'll say no and me wanting him to ask to stay here (because he wants to be here with me and not because I offer a more comfortable "hotel" or better tv). I want him to ask to stay here, but for the right reasons. This one really has me stumped. So frustrating!

I suppose he's still unsure of me and where I stand on things. I definitely felt like he was putting out feelers. Very difficult to let him know I'm open to R while still letting him know I'll be okay if that doesn't happen. How do I show I want him back without seeming anxious or pushing?

This is so hard and I just keep telling myself to be patient and give him space and time. This stinks!

Overall, a pleasant afternoon and evening, but not without frustrations.

[job]

Your h has been hinting quite strongly about staying at your place. He's actually afraid to come right out and ask because he fears that you will reject the idea. So, why not just say "h, if you would feel more comfortable staying at my place, you are more than welcome to do so". Put the burden on him to decide whether to come over or not. Sometimes, we have to open the door a bit more than just "ajar" in order for them to step over the threshold. Dancing around the subject by both parties will only frustrate both of you and this issue won't get resolved any time soon unless someone takes the first step, so make the suggestion and then table it.

[2Times2Many]

Well, Job, I took your advice. I had dinner with H and his parents tonight and when he walked me to my car to leave, he started talking about how difficult things are again. I told him I was aware of that and if he thought he would be more comfortable staying with me he was welcome to do that.

He immediately said no. He said he appreciated the offer, but he didn't need to do that. He said if in the manner of saying no to a friend that offered to do something for you and you politely refused so as not inconvenience them.

So that's where that stands. I made the offer. The balls in his court and what happens from here is entirely up to him.

He did reach over during dinner, patted and then squeezed my thigh and smiled. It's not much, but it's been like forever since he reached out to touch me, so I guess my cooties aren't as intimidating as they have been for a while.

He's come a long way, but he still has a ways to go. As he dropped me off last night, he didn't come in and said he was going back to his parent's house and get in bed to nurse the cold he has. Tonight he told me some friends of his from over there (who are in town for some kind of trade show) called at 9:30pm and wanted him to meet them for drinks. So he got out of bed, got dressed and went. Hmmm.

I'm looking forward to a two day week at the office. I have three days off going into the weekend and am just looking forward to sleeping late and doing my thing for 5 days straight. I offered to cook one of H's favorite meals one night and he's taking me to a movie on Friday. He will be here to repair my car at some point, but other than that, my time is mine to do with as I please and I'm looking forward to it.

My best to everyone.

2T

[2Times2Many]

Interesting morning.

While having dinner last night, H's friend called him to say their flight had been cancelled.

This morning I get a text from H saying he didn't sleep well and wouldn't be in the office until after lunch because he wanted to get some more sleep. (He's had a cold, but it's not that bad.)

So, did he go out partying again? And the other question that keeps going through my mind is whether or not one of these friends is the or an OW?

The duct tape is firmly in place and the wall that was softening is firmly back in place.

Ugh!

[job]

I'm glad you offered a place to stay, but wasn't surprised he said no. By offering a place, it let him know that you were listening and had some empathy for him. Now, it's in his court and he very well may continue to stay w/his parents when he comes to town.

As for him not sleeping well last night...it could be that he tossed and turned thinking about his situation and what he's going to do. He could very well have taken some OTC meds and have made him sleepy as well...but time will tell.

Continue as you have been. Yes, he's waking up just a wee bit, but he still has a ways to go. Keep up the good work.

[2Times2Many]

Well, maybe the good work has been put on the shelf. I ripped off the duct tape.

As I said, H sent a text this morning that he had a bad night and was going to sleep in. I didn't fully buy that, but I figured I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. When BIL and a couple of employees asked where he was, I told them what he told me ... he was sick, had a bad night and wanted to get some sleep before coming to the office.

Job, it is so true ... just sit silently by and so much will be revealed to you.

About mid-morning BIL comes to me and says he just talked to H's Dad and asked that H bring something to the office and his Dad answered that H is not at the house ... he left early in the morning. He proceeds to say H left last night to help his friends get settled in a hotel and help them reschedule some cancelled flights. BIL inquired further ... did H spend the night downtown or come back to the house. FIL said he came home. BIL expressed his surprise to me about the lie about being home in bed.

Then H comes in around 2pm and proceeds to tell me how sick he was and his fever broke (he asked me several times last night to feel his forehead and did he have a fever ... uh, no) and he finally felt better ... blah, blah, blah. He went on and on about he woke up in a bed of sweat and how horrible the night was and the fever finally broke and he just needed to get some sleep. Total and complete lying to my face!

I left the duct tape in place and kept my mouth shut.

Then toward the end of the day, he said he wanted to come by the house after work so we could talk. At the house, he started talking about BIL and some of the stuff BIL had whined to him about. It ruffled my feathers and I was already in a bad mood from the lying stuff.

As the conversation continued, he began to come down on me about my responses to BIL's stuff.

I finally said I was sorry ... that I was in a bad mood today. He asked why.

Then the duct tape came off. I prefaced it with saying what he did in his life was his business and I didn't care. Then I called him out on his lying. I didn't accuse him of lying ... just told him what I knew. He started coming up with excuses and tried to make me out to be the unreasonable one.

He said he didn't know he had to be accountable to me and maybe he should have texted me about this and that ... absurd minute by minute stuff. I said no, he had no obligation to be accountable to me, but I felt like he misled me and I didn't understand why. He said he left the house at 9:30 and "ran some errands" before coming in and didn't think he had to check in with me. He said FIL must have been busy taking care of MIL and wasn't aware of when he left.

I wanted to ask what errands, but I didn't. I know.

I said I thought we had reached a point where we could be open with one another, but I felt like he misled me about why he was late and didn't understand why he felt the need to do that.

More excuses and more attempts to shift the issue to my "unreasonableness." I refused to let him do that. He finally said he wasn't "having fun" (I'm sure getting busted for lies is not fun) and left. I let him go.

I know that lying is part and parcel of MLC, but at this point I have no intention of letting him just blatantly lie to me. I just can't do it.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that was the worst thing I could have done at this point. IDK. I can understand lying about an affair and things like that. I can't understand lying about stupid stuff like taking care of friends in need. (That is the reason I wonder just who this gal is.) I don't think I've ever given him any reason to lie about something like that. Maybe in his eyes, I have. Who knows.

But the lying stuff .... if we are ever going to R and live together again, he has to understand that I won't put up with that. If he wants to continue to lie to me and/or mislead me, I don't want him back. In my mind, without honesty, there is no possibility of a relationship ... on any level.

Anyway, that's been my day. A total bust in DBing world, but what I need to maintain my self-respect.

If you add to that his behavior last night when we went to dinner with his parents? It was big time reply and somewhat embarrassing.

No, no, no. That's not the guy I want in my life.

I fully expect him to change his flights to leave in a day or two. I won't be disappointed. He needs a lot more baking time.

[AJM]

I won't put up with that

A total bust in DBing world, but what I need to maintain my self-respect

I don't post often, but caught your post. From my perspective, I'd say you may have missed the part about DB and MLC and how that works. I'd also venture that you have a boundary and you made it clear. You need to stick to it, come hell or high water, just so you know. You can't go back and forth; that'd be worse than anything.

Cut yourself some slack, 2. You are going through tough times and if not tolerating being lied to is the worst thing you do? Well, that's totally the right call as far as I'm concerned.

Just be aware that him lying is definitely part of the process. So is your getting to a point where you don't accept it. If anything, DB is about YOU and what you will or will not accept. The difference is that you have a goal and are working toward that. But you have two people to deal with - you and him. He makes irrational choices and you do the best you can to adapt. To a point. There are going to be some things that are more than you'll accept and that's OK.

Cut yourself some slack and shrug it off. Like in sports, yesterday is yesterday - what have you done here and now?

Peace,
AJ

[job]

I agree w/AJM, cut yourself some slack. There comes a time when you have had enough and this is one of those times. Now, set your boundaries and stick to them, i.e., no waffling. You called him on his behavior and I don't think you would have done that had he not opened the door and asked you what was wrong. So, the truth dart hit him squarely in the middle of his face. Notice how he tried to turn the tables on you? Don't accept that.

DB is for you and it helps/teaches you how to react to people and also helps you identify what you will and will not accept from people.

Today is a new day and you need to let what happened yesterday go. Trust me...your h may do so and act all nice when he contacts you again and pretend it never happened. Just remember, when you set a boundary, stick to it.

[2Times2Many]

Thank you Job and AJM. I don't know why it is that I can get past just about everything he's done except the lying. He's always been a "boaster" and inflated himself some, but I feel like he's taking me for a fool when he's lying to me, face to face, and expecting me to believe it all. Maybe someday he'll figure out that I expect him to be truthful and that unless he is, I can never rebuild any trust in him. That is the goal, right?

Now on to today which has been one for the books. This will be long, but definitely not boring.

Job, BIL is gone.

After everyone got down to business this morning, I went to talk to H to try to do some damage control. He was extremely angry and spewing. I couldn't have gotten a word in if I tried.

He then picked up a cup of coffee on his desk and threw it across the room spilling coffee all over the place and shattering the cup. Then he stormed out of his office.

I was shaking and on the verge of tears ... a complete mess. I stayed in his office, hiding from the employees who I knew heard the crash and just trying to calm down. He came back a few minutes later and starting ranting that he was never coming back here again, etc.

I let him rant and spew his venom for a while and finally asked him if he would take a minute to listen to me. He angrily said yes.

I asked him to think about who and what had instigated our argument yesterday. I told him I really hadn't cared why he was taking the morning off until BIL started in on me about it and I took the bait. I related what BIL had said to me (and his Dad).

H, still angry, said he was just sick of this and brought up a couple of things about BIL that I had told him recently.

I then continued by saying that I had told him in the past that I didn't want to get into a he said/she said with BIL but I just couldn't do this any more either. I said here are some of the things that I've heard over the past couple of years and I started listing all the stuff BIL had said like I could destroy H in a D and that BIL had a weird smile on his face when he said it as if he would enjoy seeing that (he did!); BIL's speculation about H hiding money from me or selling the company out from under me and parking all the proceeds somewhere that I couldn't access. I went on and on. I let it all spill out. Two years of divisiveness, back-stabbing, disrespect ... all of it.

I then said that this is the crap that I've been dealing with for 2 years and I just couldn't do it anymore.

H responded that he had enough and he was done.

I responded that BIL had been trying to drive a wedge between us for two years and apparently he finally succeeded. Then I left the room.

I was a wreck. I was just sitting in my office staring at the wall as though I were in some kind of shock. I felt so lost and had no idea what to do next. So I just sat there.

A short while later, H came to the door and "ordered" me to his office. He also "ordered" BIL to his office (in front of all the other employees). H was extremely angry and started confronting BIL - mostly about the things he had said the day before. BIL got defensive, then angry. They were shouting back and forth. Most statements began with "Who in the h3ll do you thing you are to ..." BIL finally stood up and told H FU as he stormed out of the office. He packed up his personal belongings and left. As he was loading his car, H asked if he was quitting and BIL said yes.

I went back to my office and resumed my Zombie like state. I was so stunned. I couldn't believe what had just happened and that it happened so fast.

H then asked that I and our next most senior employee come to his office. He had calmed down immensely and told the employee she would be taking BIL's place and the three of us started discussing what to do from there and came up with a game plan.

H's demeanor did a complete 180. He apologized to me for his outburst. He said he wasn't angry with me and that I hadn't done anything wrong. He said he was relieved that BIL was out of the picture and that he had been thinking about firing him for months. He told the employee that BIL had been trying to drive a wedge between him and me for two years and enough was enough. He said we (he and I) may have issues in our personal life, but as business partners, we were on the same page and as tight as we could get.

He then met with each employee to explain that BIL was no longer with the company, what changes were being made and how it would affect them.

Now, H has to go face his parents. His Dad will be livid and of course, all of this will be H's fault. H is preparing to pack up his belongings there and leave tonight. He plans to store what he doesn't need here and stay in a hotel.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel a tremendous amount of relief. I feel like a ball and chain has been removed from the company and my life.

But I also feel like I was the one to spill the beans and cause a family rift. I know I will never be welcome in the in-laws home again and H may not be either. That's why I've kept my mouth shut for so long. I didn't want to be the one to instigate that. I had so hoped H would see the light and take care of things without my intervention.

But the more I thought about the turn of events yesterday, the more clear it became that BIL, once again, saw an opportunity to get H and I at each others throat. He planted the seed about "people only lie when they have something to hide" and the stuff about whether or not H stayed at a hotel with his friends. Then he went to H to complain about things I had done in the office which, of course, H came to me with. It was a trap and we both got caught.

I just decided (at 4am this morning) that I was tired of putting up with BIL's antics and suffering in silence. It had to stop. It was time to speak up, regardless of the consequences.

So that's where things stand with 2T. I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. And I feel so bad for H. He has a tough task ahead ... facing his parents.