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I don't want anyone to misunderstand my posts.

I know how to support my D and how to lead her to resources that will help her. I just don't know how to deal with this as far as H goes.

I feel like all of a sudden I have two crises that are inter-related to some extent and don't quite know how to deal with that.

How do I do what is best for my D


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
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Okay, I did it again ... dang cell phones!

How do I do what is best for my D and for me when her H seems to big a part of H's issues about rebuilding here?

Obviously I want what is best for both of us.


Me: 59 and holding
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2T, I, so sorry to hear about your D’s situation. It does sound like her H might be having a MLC. I’m sorry you have to deal with two crises. I would not do anything right now, in terms of telling your H about this. Unless he asks. And then I would just tell him the basic facts without going into the details. Give this news a few day to settle down in your head, and then I think you will know better what to do and how to approach it.

Thinking of you, 2T.


M:50
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S28 (my S from previous marriage)
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Oh 2T, I'm so sorry to hear that. I think the best thing you can do is be there for her, listen and love her and respect and support whatever she wants to do. Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2686640 06/19/16 08:59 AM
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Thank you, Sotto and Bright. As a parent all you want is for your children to be happy. It's hard to see them in pain, especially when you know from personal experience what they're going through.

While having coffee this morning I started thinking about all that's going on. My H is halfway around the world in a MLC, my S's health is failing, my MIL's health is failing and now my D is going through painful times and there's not a thing I can do to fix any of it. Throw in the frustrations with BIL as icing on the cake.

I thought about how I would have reacted to so much at one time a couple of years ago and realized how strong I've become. Two years ago I would have thought I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I would have felt like I just couldn't take anything more. I would have felt overwhelmed and completely helpless and hopeless ... at a loss as to how to help or what to do.

But I've learned on my journey that I can't fix things that are beyond my control. I can be empathetic and supportive when those in pain call on me, but I can't "solve" any of it. All I can do is turn it all over to God and trust that He is taking care of those that I love.

It was a strange feeling of relief and peace. A feeling that I had a role to play in all my loved ones lives, but the burden of "fixing" things was not my burden. God has not called on me to take on more than I can handle. My role is one I can handle ... support, love, understanding and just being there to listen.

On the MLC front, H called this morning. This is a baby step I opened the door for a few weeks ago and was hoping he'd walk through. I wanted him to feel free to call here on the weekend without my prompting or asking him to do so. He did that this morning. We had a pleasant chat about this and that with very little business stuff mentioned.

He did mention his recent difficulties (in general, no specifics) and apologized again for his foul mood last week. He said the week had been awful even though he had good news on many fronts. He again started talking about finding happiness and couldn't understand why he was so unhappy with good things going on around him. He spoke about a book he's reading that he says is helping him and suggested I read it. (I will.) He seemed to be in a better, more settled mood.

One thing I got from this and other recent conversations is that he is beginning to look inside for the happiness he seeks, so I suppose that's a positive thing at this point.

One thing that I've wondered about is that what he called the "worst weekend of my life" was the weekend after my trip (last weekend). Then he said the whole week was bad and he was really down.

I wonder if my trip had anything to do with his mood? IDK. Could be just a coincidence.

A few things he said seemed to be "hints" or "fishing." He mentioned he hated staying with his parents when he was here. I suppose that was supposed to be my cue to tell him he could stay here. I wouldn't be adverse to that since it would only be sporadic for now and might be a good test to see if we can even stay in the same house together again. But he will have to ask. I will not volunteer. If he asks, it will be because he has made that decision on his own without any kind of pressure from me.

The second thing ... he mentioned for the second time that he may fly to Vegas for a weekend while he's here next time. I wondered if that is my cue to ask to join him? I won't ask. He'll have to do the asking.

He also mentioned some short trips he wanted to take and named the places saying "places you don't want to go." Another feeler??

This is the hard part for me right now. I want to let him know I would be open to some of the things he's hinting about, but I'm not going to take the lead or pursue him. He's got to come right out and ask for what he wants. So far I've avoided shooting down anything he's hinted at and tried to just remain neutral and non-committal either way.

Hope everyone is having a pleasant weekend.

2T


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About your daughter - have you asked HER whether she wants you to tell her dad? I think it should be her call.

I know when my ex first had an affair, I didn't share this information with my family. We reconciled and I knew they would never have accepted him if they had known he cheated on me. Only your D knows whether she wants her dad to know right now, and whether she wants you to tell him or wants to tell him herself.

As for the SIL - your daughter needs to consult with an attorney and figure out how to protect herself financially if needed. Since she is the primary breadwinner, it's conceivable that her H could get alimony. Also conceivable that he could claim to be the primary caregiver, get primary custody of the kids and make her pay child support as well! So she needs to be very strategic about any choices she makes. Whatever would encourage him to get a paying job ( so that she won't have to pay alimony), what precedents are set about residency and child visitation etc. This could be very complicated and some good advice from an attorney now could prevent her from making decisions that will hurt her financially in the future.

kml #2686675 06/19/16 02:08 PM
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Good point, KML. My H is her step-dad, but they were very close. Before H started his journey, she would often consult him about things she needed a man's opinion about.

I'm going to keep this to myself.

And thanks for the advice about attorneys. My D is a sharp cookie and this isn't the first time they've had issues. I know she's taken those steps before, so I'm sure she will again, but I'll definitely say something.

Right now she's in shock and she's frightened. She has severe back issues as a result of scoliosis and is in constant pain. She's had two surgeries and is under the care of a pain management doctor. Still, she manages to go into her office everyday and run her company. Otherwise, she is not very active and spends a lot of time in bed. She's a real trooper and has supported her family very well in spite of her condition. I honestly don't know how she does it.

I really wish I could send her here, but I find myself in a position of not wanting her to see what I've been posting and knowing the details I've put on the boards about my sitch. frown But, I gave her some good resources, so hopefully she'll gain some insight from those. And, of course, I can pass along all I've learned.


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
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2t I'm so sorry about your D's situation. You know from bitter experience there is no easy way out, my advice would be to let her know you are there for her and support her every step of the way. Exactly what you are doing now, continue loving her and believing in her. I couldn't bring myself to tell my mum about H's MLC, at first because I didn't want her to have a bad opinion about him, and lately because she wouldn't be able to handle it. You are doing an awesome job keeping it all together, just remember to take care of yourself too.

Huge hugs 2T, I hope things will start improving soon x


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





Esame #2688958 07/03/16 02:17 PM
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I have a question I'd like to pose.

In a previous post I indicated I would consider allowing H to stay at my (our) place instead of at his parents when he comes back IF he asked (I would never volunteer that).

My IC thinks I should tell him he has to get rid of the OW before he can stay in my home.

I can see her point and I think she's trying to look out for my mental and emotional well-being. But it sounds like an ultimatum and pressure.

Thoughts?


Me: 59 and holding
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My question to you is this. If he should ask to stay in your home, would he use the guest bedroom, sleep w/you or on the couch? Unless he asks to stay, I wouldn't worry about it too much. He may toss out hints, but you would need to decide if this is something you and only you want to do. How would you feel about him staying in your home? Would you feel okay w/it?

You've made some great progress in the communication/interaction arena w/him in just the last few months. I do not think I would say anything about getting rid of the OW if he were to ask about staying in your home during his visits. It would definitely come across as an ultimatum and pressure on him to do something.

My thoughts? I wouldn't say a word and I would continue to remain silent where the hints are concerned. He can always stay w/his parents or w/his brother. But, again, it is up to you just how you want to play this card.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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