Well, I was getting really excited about my upcoming trip but my enthusiasm took a big leap backward last night. I got a call from my sister and she is back in the hospital with pneumonia. This is the third time in just over 2 months. She still weighs only 77 lbs. I don't know how much longer she can keep doing this. She doesn't seem to make much progress before she relapses and is back in the same condition. It's frightening.
As I grew older, it was a forgone conclusion that I would, in all likelihood, outlive my parents, but I never thought I would outlive my little sister. She's all I have left of my childhood family and I really don't want to lose her, even though we've always had issues. She's too young and so am I. I don't want to be the last one left.
After talking to sis, I sent an update on her condition to H. He's never particularly liked her, but he asks about her often. I suspect that's more for my benefit because I've expressed my fears about her to him.
I added something that may not have been a good thing. I told him that too many chapters in my life seemed to be closing at the same time and I didn't know if I was strong enough to handle that and I wasn't sure I had enough resilience. After I sent the message, I had second thoughts about it.
But the truth is I always put on a happy face for him, display an aura of competence and ability to handle things on my own, and talk to him on the phone as if all is just peachy with my life. He's so seldom here, that he doesn't have an opportunity to see my struggles and my difficulties and the obstacles I have to overcome ON MY OWN without the "rock" that he used to be ... all because of his chit. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to put that out there and let him realize that my life is no bed of roses, either, but I deal with it.
So after a massive self-pity party, a good cry and a relatively sleepless night, I awoke this morning to H's response to my message.
He said life throws us changes when we least expect it and he wonders what awaits him. He said he didn't know how strong he is either or how to cope/deal with "so much on my side too." Then he said "I know that I will always be there to talk to you ... whenever you need it. I hope the same is true for you." Then he said to breathe and try to find the happiness inside ... that it's not always easy or possible but it's a goal he tries to achieve. Then he said he'd call on Sunday ... that he had his running thing today.
WTF? I'll always be there to talk, but not today because I have to go run with my frat boy friends? I'm there for you but only when it's convenient for me?
And what exactly does he have to cope with? How much liquor to have on hand when his friends drop by "every day?" Whether to have his gf spend the night at his place or if he should spend the night at hers? Whether to spend the day with his biking club or with his cheating, adulterous friend on the golf course? Give me a break!
Things have been good on the business front, but personally, there is so far to go. He does a great job of talking the talk. He needs to walk the walk! Hey buddy ... if you say you're there any time I need to talk, then freaking be there!
Anyway, I'm in this weird state of just wanting to run away from all this crap and that is sandwiched in with digging down for strength and resilience to deal with what life throws at me next while trying to keep in mind that H's brain is scrambled, while trying to be patient and understanding and forgiving. It just seems like too much. I just keep telling myself ... one day at a time ... just put one foot in front of the other.
I did make my appointment at the hair salon this morning. I probably shouldn't have been driving because I felt like my mind was somewhere else. Then I spent the afternoon getting stuff organized for my trip. I just feel guilty about the trip now which totally stinks because I was so looking forward to it. I feel like I should fly out to see my sister, but I so need to just get away and step out of my life for a short while. Am I being a bad person?
So that's the latest. Life stinks.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2T I'm so very sorry that your sister is poorly again. Has there been any improvement? I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. Sending you hugs, and thinking of you.
I don't think your message to your H was a setback, under the circumstances no one should blame you for being human. I understand that you are feeling like running away, who wouldn't be in a weird state if they were in your shoes? I was thinking about that myself the other day, if someone told me six months ago my life and mentality would have changes so dramatically I wouldn't believe them. Yet here we are. Dealing with life before was hard, but my H was not a problem, he was a source of strength. Now we need to adjust and lower our expectations further.
I think your H actually feels like he is supportive, and I know it is so hard, but can you try to take it in a positive way? In his MLC brain he is doing his best I guess?
Again, sending you (((hugs))))
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I am very sorry to read that your sister is not well and is back in the hospital. She's in good hands while in the hospital and hopefully they can get her back on the road to recovery again. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.
As for your message to your h, it was not a setback and you needed to reach out to someone who would be a shoulder to lean on and support you at this time. Unfortunately, your h is in MLC and what he posted back to you is very typical of their "support" while in crisis. I know it may you angry and frustrated, but how can he be supportive to you when he can't even help himself. His response is from La La Land. Take it w/a grain of salt and continue moving forward. I'm sure he'll be there the best way that he can considering his frame of mind. You were expecting more out of him...not happening. Keep those expectations at zero.
We are here for you and will be more than happy to support you any way that we can.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Sotto, Esame and Job for your thoughts and prayers for my sister. They are going to try a new drug for her, so hopefully that will help.
Sorry for my rant last night. I guess we all need to blow off steam once in a while. Esame, my H was my source of strength as well ... my rock for so many years. Life does get tough when you find yourself flying solo. But H did kind of step up to the plate today.
H called this morning and started with an apology for not calling on Saturday. We ended up talking for over an hour. None was specifically R related and only about 3 minutes were about business. It was very much like the conversation we had when he was here last time. I can't recall the last time we talked that long on the phone about things other than business, so it was very different from that respect.
I honestly expressed some of my inner struggles and he quietly listened. When I was done, he said I have this cycle that is about 2 1/2 months long. He said I do just fine and then something comes along that is like the proverbial straw and I react. He said that if/when I lash out at him that it doesn't get to him ... that he just knows me better than anyone and he accepts who I am and knows I'll work through it. I thanked him for his patience, tolerance and understanding. He just kind of laughed and said I didn't need to thank him for that.
That exchange led to some pretty deep discussions about life, happiness, direction, etc. He made some interesting remarks.
H said neither of us had any real direction right now (and added that my lack of direction was not of my choosing). He said we had always had a direction and/or a goal and that's one of the reasons we had worked so well together ... we were both goal oriented. He said he's no longer looking at the big, grand goals that he used to or like the ones we undertook (and he noted that we succeeded in all our big goals). He said he was now focusing on smaller goals and suggested I do the same. He said maybe that's part of growing older ... shaving back the goals or breaking them down into smaller chunks.
He said he has no idea where he's headed or what the future holds. He said we were "both the same."
Then he said some interesting things about happiness. I referenced his remark about looking inside for happiness and asked him if he found happiness inside, because when I looked inside, there just wasn't anything there ... at least not the sustainable happiness we all want.
He said no and that he didn't have happiness inside. He said he thought about what was the happiest day of his life. He described something we had done on a trip shortly after we started dating and said the surroundings and what we saw were awesome but what made it the happiest day of his life was that I was there. I told him what I considered the happiest day of my life (which involved him) and he said ... see, we're both alike. We derive our happiness from the outside and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just how we are and (again) we're both the same.
He brought up again our past R (pre-MLC) and said he thought our R was a once in a lifetime type of R and we had set the bar too high. He compared our R to Nirvana! I just agreed with him and said perhaps that's why I have no desire to even consider a new relationship because I wouldn't find the kind we had and I didn't want to settle for anything less. He said he didn't want to settle either.
We ended the convo with him telling me to go enjoy my trip. He said not to feel guilty about going while my S is in the hospital. He said I needed a break and he wanted me to go have some fun for myself and I could take care of family when I got back.
I thanked him for being so supportive and for letting me talk. I told him that sometimes stuff just gets backed up in my mind and it has to come out ... I just don't have anyone other than IC to say that kind of stuff to. He said he didn't either and sometimes he just needed to talk as well. I told him to call anytime he liked and he said he "may" take me up on that offer.
So, Job ... is there any significance to recalling our past R so fondly and talking about how great it was and how his happiest day was because I was there? I just wonder because this is 180 degrees from the days when he couldn't find anything at all good to say about anything we had ever done together. I have to admit, it's really nice to hear some of the things he's saying now but I have no idea how that affects or what that may mean for the sitch and where his head is??? I'd appreciate your thoughts, as well as those of anyone else who wants to chime in.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Your h sounds like he's slowly but surely getting his head screwed on right. He's done a lot of deep thinking and his conversation w/you was very good. He's been reflective of his past and he's admitted that you both had the bar set very high in your goals for life. I find it very interesting that he now is looking at that bar and is lowering it to a more reasonable level.
I think you should listen to what he said and go on your trip. You do need a break and your sister will be in good hands at the hospital. If something should happen, they'll contact you.
I would continue as you have been, i.e., listening and being a friend to your h. I do think he's slowly realizing that life is what you make it and that includes finding the happiness within. I would still continue to keep my expectations near zero I wouldn't change a thing at this time because he still has a ways to go. However, I do see a lot of progress, as to whether it's a moment of clarity or if he's really starting to wake up...time will tell...but I do like how he's communicating w/you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, Job. I like the communication as well. The conversations remind of talks we had in the first house we owned. It had a large whirlpool tub and we'd both get in it two or three times a week. We'd talk about anything and everything while the bubble machine did it's thing. Some of these latest conversations remind of those "tub talks" and it's been a really, really long time since we communicated like that. I hope it continues.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
So sorry to hear about your sister. I am thinking of you and wishing her the best.
Those conversations with your h sound great! It sounds like he is figuring things out.
I agree that you should go on your trip. We have to take care of ourselves before we can help others. Let it rejuvenate you so that you can come back 100% refreshed.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
