Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
Originally Posted By: cbtdad
"it's encouraging to me that you do want to discuss these things. However it's clear that both of our emotions are running really high. I think it would be best that if we just try and be friendly to each other and maybe try to have these talks with a professional like a marriage counselor"


I'm favoring this quite a bit. She texted me and said she's not at home, and she'll be home tomorrow to spend the day with the animals... It feels she's shying away from wanting to talk now, but I can't read her mind. I'm going to think through things on the ride home, and see if she reaches back in regards to talking while I'm heading home from work, and if not, I'll probably just text her something about the emotions and her consideration of 'talking' in MC with a different counselor.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
So she texted me to let her know when I'm home, and I texted her back about 2 hours ago saying I was home. She went dark, and got nothing until just now. She said "we should be able to talk about things in a civil manner, I guess we just need to talk about our financials and the email you sent me (it was an email saying I'm almost finished with the financial discovery paperwork and that I'd be sending it in shortly).

I'm not sure why she brought civility, I'm sure she's drinking at a friends house or something and not clear on what she's saying. In our earlier texts, it was pretty clear she wanted to talk about "us", but obviously she's backtracked a bit on that, only re-enforcing my thoughts on her in the roller coaster phase still, not ready to really try and understand anything yet...

I said "Sure, we can talk about that if you want, I'm free Monday night, and I plan on dropping the paperwork off first thing Tuesday morning." And I haven't heard back... like I said, she's drinking, so it's unlikely I'll hear from her at all tonight, and that's fine by me. I have other stuff going on to consume my time than worrying about talking to her about finances.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
I reread some of the DR book as well as some other starter material, and even though I feel W is jumping the gun on filing out of confusion and anger (and feeling trapped), I realize that is not a battle I can have influence on.

Stepping back, and revisiting my goals from the DR tasks, its shown a little more light on what I need to be working on. Small wins are key. I've been clouded by my "grand goal" and not paying enough attention on the stuff I should be. Enough of those small wins, will eventually get me somewhere better, and I need to get a grip on where I am right now.

My W is lost and asking for a lot, but I know I can't give in to all she wants right now... Understanding, requests, etc. I feel we are sliding back and forth on the pursuit / distance right now, and I'm taking every little text/communication too heavily. When W starts talking about feelings, weirdness, wants, etc, I'm taking it too literally and immediately striking back conversation. I need to stop that, because whenever I do, I'm seeing a pattern of, once I continue conversation, she eventually withdraws and pulls away and it's creating a roller coaster with my on thoughts and focus.

I realize now, I haven't "won" her pursuit yet, she's only sending out feelers every so often to make sure I'm still here, and once I show/tell her I am here, she backs off again. I need to be more distant, not so available, and this isn't going to happen in a few days time like my optimism wants it to. The "ticking time bomb" in the back of my head needs to be silenced, and I need to refocus on my "one battle at a time" mindset.

I'm back home in the master BR, even tho she's not in there with me, that was a start. My next big goal is to regain her pursuit of me, which involves more focus on detaching. I can't get over excited when she strikes up casual conversation over text, etc. Stay focused.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
I reread some of the DR book as well as some other starter material, and even though I feel W is jumping the gun on filing out of confusion and anger (and feeling trapped), I realize that is not a battle I can have influence on.

Stepping back, and revisiting my goals from the DR tasks, its shown a little more light on what I need to be working on. Small wins are key. I've been clouded by my "grand goal" and not paying enough attention on the stuff I should be. Enough of those small wins, will eventually get me somewhere better, and I need to get a grip on where I am right now.

My W is lost and asking for a lot, but I know I can't give in to all she wants right now... Understanding, requests, etc. I feel we are sliding back and forth on the pursuit / distance right now, and I'm taking every little text/communication too heavily. When W starts talking about feelings, weirdness, wants, etc, I'm taking it too literally and immediately striking back conversation. I need to stop that, because whenever I do, I'm seeing a pattern of, once I continue conversation, she eventually withdraws and pulls away and it's creating a roller coaster with my on thoughts and focus.

I realize now, I haven't "won" her pursuit yet, she's only sending out feelers every so often to make sure I'm still here, and once I show/tell her I am here, she backs off again. I need to be more distant, not so available, and this isn't going to happen in a few days time like my optimism wants it to. The "ticking time bomb" in the back of my head needs to be silenced, and I need to refocus on my "one battle at a time" mindset.

I'm back home in the master BR, even tho she's not in there with me, that was a start. My next big goal is to regain her pursuit of me, which involves more focus on detaching. I can't get over excited when she strikes up casual conversation over text, etc. Stay focused.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 597
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 597
Betterm,

I think your goal of getting her to persue you is the wrong tactic. Detaching is exactly the opposite. You might need to grieve the loss of her and then find the strength to chart a new course. Only when your ship has sailed and you're free is when your WW would see the want to come back.


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 436
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 436
Betterm,

Listen to trumpet. She may never pursue you. Something im coming to grips with recently. DB-ing has gradually gone from trying to show her what a great H i am and now i just want to do things for me cause it hurts to do things, have expectations for her to notice then get continueously dashed.

Worse still assume you are getting a reaction then again find out it meant nothing or you were projecting.

Take a break, do things for you. Just you. What does Betterm want to do if he didnt care what anyone else thought?


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
So, things got a little bit off track this morning... I spent the night at my brothers without her knowing anything last night, and I thought she was staying at her parents. Got home this morning around 730am and found W sleeping in the master bedroom. I was meeting some friends to trail ride and just needed to shower before, so I did.

When I got out she was awake, and asked if we could talk about Financials (spending limits, deposits, etc). I told her I didn' think we should talk about anything related to the divorce and that she could contact my attorney on Tuesday morning if she wanted to. And she replied with "I never told my attorney I wanted to file, and I plan on calling him tomorrow to make sure he doesn't, as there seems to be some confusion over my intention of the last appointment."

I am never one to show emotion, always hold back and am the one who doesn't cry when she's pouring out her emotions... Well, this time was different, and I broke down right in front of her. I tried to leave the situation but she kept asking me to come back into the room and that "it is okay".... I would regroup, and go back to talk, and it would repeat. I didn't beg, convince, or anything of that matter, I didn't talk to her about why I wanted to stay married, and actually just reassured her that she wasn't making the "wrong decision" if divorce is her way to happiness.

I told W that I want to remain friendly, but anything divorce related from here on out would need to be handled by our attorneys. Told her I opened new check account, and I'd continue paying all bills until this is all sorted out (she has no primary income after next week), and mentioned I would respect her decision regardless of which why she chooses (to file or not to file).

She asked "why now are you crying? Is it because of the failure of our marriage? Is it because the formality of our failure is hanging over our heads?" I responded that it wasnt because of the failure, and in several different ways, told her how its not related to our marriage, but to the hurt I've caused her through our marriage. It's probably not the 'right' 180 I was going for, but as the only time I've really cried in front of her was due to family members passing away, it certainly was a 180, ha!

Things calmed down a bit and she asked where I was going, told her I'd be out for most the day and would return later to take care of the dogs. (the impression is that I'vr assumed all house responsibilities as she is too unpredictable).

She actually responded to me by opening up herself, and telling me she'd do anything to not get a D, but it's just going to take a lot of time, and a lot of work, to rebuild our relationship, and she's just not ready to turn that corner yet and needs more time to gather herself, which is also why she doesn't want to go back to MC yet. I want to believe that, but her actions have been so flip flopped from her words, so I just don't trust it. And probably right not to trust anything she's saying at the moment.

I'm going on with my day... I thought I'd post that since it's so out of character for me to break down like that, I'm usually the stone cold rock when it comes to emotional situations (which had actually been a big problem for us in the past) ...

I know it probably didn't "help" matters, but it's kind of got me in shock that it happened at all. Not sure if it was seeing her in the master bed for the first time in months orwhat, but it happened, its over, its time to write it down, and move along with the next thing.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
I know I need to focus on me, and not worry about anything my W is doing, but it's killing me NOT being able to bring up her OM... I know it's not about getting her to admit the EA is going to help anything, and could very possible "drive them closer", but right now, I'm not feeling like I give a rip.

This may be my emotions speaking right now, but I'm feeling a bit like doodler and want to confront her of OM and if she doesn't own up to it, I honestly don't want to be with someone that would be like that. I'd be happy to file the divorce for her. I saw she had an 11 minute phone conversation with OM today, right after we got off the phone with each other.

Optimistically, she could have been "calling it off", but I'm effing tired of dealing with it. I don't want to save a marriage to a woman who thinks it's okay to do that kind of bullcrap! I've been out socializing a lot late, and there are more than enough women out there to replace her, probably better than the W she's been in every way...


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
...forgot to finish my doodler comment, "and pack all her stuff up in boxes and throw them out on the lawn".


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard