kinda hoping a vet could chime in a little bit, concerning my last few post.
i know you have hear it all before. but it feels different this time. maybe im dead wrong and foolishly hopeful. but i just feels different to me.
ive been watching and waiting for a moment like this for over a year. ive made more mistakes in this process than i can count. but i really do think that this may be step 1.
She came over and talked last night, as we had planned. It went well. We spoke like we've never spoken before. I opened up, I got teary eyed. She apologized for falling into the trap with him. And for things going the way it did. She has accepted that its her actions that caused her to do what she did. Not my actions, not her childhood, etc.
We discussed a lot. Basically, we agreed to let the dust settle. Her heart is not ready yet. I'm not completely ready yet. We both re confirmed to not date anyone else. To finish what we have one way or the other. That we would both have to be 100% ready to enter into this again. No half a...ed stuff.
I validated the crap out of her. Used everything that my coach told me. She needs me to be emotionally available. I told her a lot. And she cried in happiness a few times. Im happy that It went the way it did. I was hoping for more, but ill take what I can get. I want this to be right. and im willing to wait, or bail out.
I told her the door isnt closed, but the time isnt here yet. She told me that its over with him. But that he's still in her mind everyday. I understand that. Hopefully this is all just a matter of time.
we both talked about the changes that we see and have seen in each other. this is all brand new ground for both of us. i cannot get over how different it feels this time around.
she didnt seem wayward at all last night. ( but im not convinced its fully over yet) im just going to continue to keep distance. i really hope i didnt mess up the process. but i dont feel as if i did. i was not needy, or angry. and i left things open ended and pretty much had to ask her to leave, or she would have wanted to talk all night.
today is our youngest child's preschool graduation. i bought some new clothes, shaved etc.
she has been super pleasant when i see her and her body language has been very warm towards me. yesterday when picking up the kids, she was venting to me about her job and possible job opportunity. i focused on listening.
after all her changes in behavior, the big talk we had and her new attitude towards me. i wonder, are we starting the reconnection phase? if so, im a little hesitant. the slower the better.
i have been giving her just a little more of my time and attention, kinda testing the waters. but i still dont pursue her. she is actually starting to pursue me. but im waiting to get bit again. i guess this is what its all about......back and forth.
graduation went great. i had to drop off all the kids stuff for them this weekend at her house. we talked and she said that she feels herself falling for me slightly. but, she doesnt want a relationship yet. that she still needs time to heal her soul from all that has gone on in the last several months.
i told her im not ready yet either.
at graduation, we were playful with each other. she would bump my arm while i was trying to take a picture. and i kicked her in the butt when she bent over. that kind of stuff.
so believe none of what she says and half of what she does...right?
she invited me to come over tonight to hand out with her and the kids and swim. i said thanks, but ive got plans already.
I think you have done an outstanding job of DBing! You are very smart to hesitate and take things very slowly.
Quote:
I told her the door isnt closed, but the time isnt here yet. She told me that its over with him. But that he's still in her mind everyday. I understand that. Hopefully this is all just a matter of time.
How long has it been since she and OM had contact, or do you know?
I went through a tough time getting OM out of my head, so I understand what she means. Did she say if she's doing anything proactively to not give him mind space in her head? It's difficult to control our thoughts, but you have to purposely stop day-dreaming about the AP.
Quote:
after all her changes in behavior, the big talk we had and her new attitude towards me. i wonder, are we starting the reconnection phase? if so, im a little hesitant. the slower the better.
Maybe. I think it's more of learning to like each other as individuals again. You have a lot of hurt to heal, and she has a lot of resentment and other negative things to work through.
Continue to take caution and don't push yourself. Watch that you don't fall back into any previous relationship nice-guy traits. You have mentioned that you aren't really ready to move forward quickly, so don't tell yourself you are suppose to or that that is the DB way, etc. I can't say enough how important it is to take it slowly.
I would say to think of it, at best, the way you would if you had met a person that could possibly become a friend.....but you don't know enough about them yet. You are friendly when you interact, but you don't completely reveal everything about yourself.....or get too inquizitive about them, either.
I strongly.....STRONGLY, advise that you do not start referring to any time spent together as a "date". That word puts all kind of emotional pressure/expectation on the experience. You can call it anything but dating. IMHO, I would be very cautious about jumping into physical intimacy, too. Save that for when there has been much more healing accomplished.
You see if you can get along as two friendly people who are slowly spending a little more time together. See if the two of you start emotionally connecting in that realm. Leave romance completely out of it, until you see if you get along otherwise. As she earns your trust and both of you learn to forgive in a loving, sweet, manner....I think it will show in the attitudes. If she holds to resentments.....that will crop up in her attitude somewhere pretty soon. If you see it, immediately pull back. Give her space and let her be the one to pursue. You really can't do much about things from the past, and it's something she must work out for herself and the sake of the MR. Your job is to not accept her back into the MR as long as she still has resentment. That goes for both of you.
I strongly advise that you do not start living together. Don't be in hurry to make that step. While you are S and learning to work through issues and reconnect, I personally think that is when you need MC to guide you into piecing the M back together. I really think many people that's been in your shoes have been too quick in moving in together. Enjoy each other and give each other some space.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thank you sandi. yesterday was 3 weeks NC for them. she has been very open emotionally with me the last several days. she says that all the hurt and anger is gone. and she has said several times that she thinks im a good person, that there is nothing wrong with me.
i dont plan on dating her for awhile if it goes that way. i dont plan on adding any romance either. as long as she stays the way she is, (not wayward) then i hope to keep the good times alive and let her make the choice to jump in with both feet. at her pace. i plan to kinda keep her just out of arms reach. let her initiate 99.9% of everything. and me not be available to her 25% -33% of the time.
she seems scared to jump in. im gonna guess that she is #1 still not over him. #2 she afraid, due to our past. it will take time to get over him. but it will happen, if the NC remains in effect. he dumped her and told her to leave him alone and go work on your marriage and was mad that she drug him into her mess. he has since switched gyms, and churches in an attempt to get away from her. but......thats not bulletproof....she said that he is on her mind every day. i get that. but its only been 3 weeks, so thats to be expected. ive read, and ive personally experienced, that the feelings die significantly 30 days of NC. so, im going to continue this game of stick and carrot for a few more weeks, months how ever long.
our biggest problem when we were married, was that we didnt feel safe emotionally with each other. now, this whole week, she has been an open book to me. and ive opened up to her. she doesnt trust me yet, and right back at ya on my end. but, unless im a total idiot. (which i have been in the past ) this time around the block feels COMPLETELY different.
my biggest mistake in the past was pushing her. i have stopped pushing completely. when around her, or anybody for that matter, i seem happy, content, friendly, confident. but not too much so.
my buddy is going to let me borrow a book that claims to be a super weapon in getting women to fall for you. it worked for him. ill read it and see what it has to offer, but not treat it like Gods truth. one day at a time, letting her chase me
she came and picked me up today at 11 and her i and the kids went to a state park with a beach and lake. we stayed until 4 and then she suggested we stop for ice cream on the way home. we all got along and had a nice time. it felt like a family again, sort of.
she didnt "test" me or temp check me at all. we were playful with each other at times. made some jokes and laughed too.
she kept talking about her plans for tonight. she is having friends over for a camp fire. i kept waiting for her to ask me to join. but she didnt. and i sure as heck wasnt going to invite myself over. but im wondering if she wanted me to ask due to her talking about it several times. and asking me what i planned on doing later. i was casual about it. saying oh, i have a couple of maybes for tonight. we'll see what goes down.
it was nice, but i can tell that im in the friendzone right now. which is fine, im cool with that for now. for now.......
she isnt currently acting wayward. and she is telling me all about her day to day life and asking me about many things in my life.
im just really hoping that this is a step, and not a place where we are going to live forever. like it was mentioned above. starting as friendly people, learning about each other again.
i just get kinda.....suspicious after a day like today. wondering if she is caking eating, or if she is testing the waters. cause im totally testing the waters. trying to see where she is at, and where she is headed, but without asking.
she offered me the boys again today, so of course i took them even though its her weekend.....we i came to pick them up, they were all swimming, so i jumped in an swam for an hour and we all played. together ,it was fun.
then she asked what i was thinking about us? she said do you want this to work? i hesitated and said yes, i would like us to work, but its not time yet. i need more time.
then we discussed an issue that we have, and we resolved it peacefully in under 2 min. she was like wow, we just did this...
she then said i know that you dont want to hear about this, but i think that you should know, that my feeling for OM are fading fast. that now she realized that it would have never worked. that she would have been unhappy with him. this is a first for her to admit it. she says that the feeling arent totally gone. but that she no longer sees him as an option. that now that the spell is broken, that all his flaws are coming to the surface. etc.
good signs all the way around. oh and she said that she see us being able to work. but that now is not the time yet, to be anything but friends and get to know each other a little bit.
