Focus on Me and my boys 2

[bigybiz]

JimKao: Let me know if you need any local insights. Feel free to ask me about neighbourhoods, schools, driving distances, etc. I've not been able to make the chat feature of this site work. Have you?

[otw]

Jim
Live in the moment for what it is. Wife shouldn't even be the focus.

[J5K]

Well the K graduation was fun.

S6 always has a smile when he sees mom. I question when I see things like this if I am doing the right thing. He is not as happy as often with me. Not going to read into it though.

STBX wanted to exchange cars half way through the graduation. I politely said no.

STBX had a sour look on her face unless she was interacting with S6, S4 or S2. The only way that she will be happy is if I give her everything she wants.

She is so confident that she will get custody.
I am trying very hard to stay strong.
So many things to pack.

I was cheerful the whole time with the boys and STBX.
There seems to be no remorse on her end.

All I know is that if she does get custody I am moving to Toronto to have them 50% of the time.

H3ll I would even consider moving up there if I received custody of the boys just so they can be closer to their mom. But not until after the D is done so I knew where I stood financially.

Still have hope that she will wake up one day but that hope is dwindling fast. I know I know, not good DBing.

I don't think that she will ever forgive me for filing first.

I wish we could connect again. The only hope there is for that is to move up there and continue to DB but she will be cake eating big time by getting to play mom.

[J5K]

So far the weekend has been rough.

We did some grocery shopping yesterday.
Boys and I played outside yesterday throwing the football and playing some soccer.
We also spent some time with the neighbors yesterday evening.

I still have thoughts of WW and cannot understand why she doesn't want to be here with her boys. We are no longer friends which really hurts me. She has crushed my heart but I will always love her no matter what her actions are. As much as the DB coaches have told me to rebuild the friendship with her I don't know how.

I really don't know if I am doing the right thing or not. Am I the one being unreasonable now when we had plans to move back to Toronto and ruined them because of a silly argument and then me filing for D first which spun this into a huge mess?

This has driven so many changes since I was too nice and thought she wanted to reconcile. I hope the judge and psychologist can see the manipulation she has been using. This is going to be very difficult as a single dad and 5 boys.

Going to take the boys to see my parents today and try and finish some paperwork for the psychologist.

[sandi2]

I think it takes time and space away from the one who has caused such a depth of pain for the betrayed spouse and the children. When the pain is still so raw, I think it is not realistic in believing they could be friends during the rougest time of their relationship. Their M has been ripped apart and there are unresolved issues that continue to cause a lot of pain and anguish. How does one be friends with a person they see causing their own children so much pain?

IMHO, the couple in a situation like your's, Jim, has to remain apart and get out of each other's lives (except for kid related) for a period of time, before they can consider being friends.

Again, I believe people see the term "friends" with various definitions. My picture of friendship may not be what you visualize. After a couple divorces, and especially if one should get M to someone else........the most realistice type of positive relationship would be "friendly", but they would not have a friend-ship. They would not hang out together and go places together and share family events together. A divorce, IMHO, stops this type of relationship. Why else would they divorce. So one of them could be free to date?

Anyway, I guess I have to agree to disagree about friendships with a wayward. That would require the betrayed spouse to compromise too much self respect and integrity, I think.

But this is just MHO.

[Phoebe]

Hi Jim. I'm just checking in to say hello and to tell you that I'm thinking of you and to thank you for your kind words to me.

I am so sorry that things have worked out the way they have for you. Being a single parent is beyond difficult, especially when you really don't understand how you really go to that point. I don't understand how I got here, either.

Take care and enjoy those wonderful children of yours.

(((Jim)))

[J5K]

Sandi,

I get what you are saying. When I saw her on Friday all I wanted to do was hug her and touch her. Yes, I am a nice guy and liked taking care of her and let that go too far. I should have been more of a dominant H but still listened to her needs.

I have been friendly with her but she has not been friendly back. She just wants this whole thing over with as quickly as possible.

I don't know if reality will ever sink in with her.
I feel I am fighting a losing battle with this D since MIL is supporting WW as a SAHM.

I agree that my self respect and integrity would be completely compromised if I pursued her and gave in to what she wanted.

I guess we will see what happens by the end of the D proceedings.

All I know is that I can face her family with a clean conscience and know that I was not the one who had an A even though WW justifies it in her head that she is no longer in an M.

Phoebe,

Thank you for checking in. Going to take the boys for a drive now and see my parents to get out of the house a bit.

I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their day.

[SH_]

You are doing well in the face of such adversity.
2 sayings come to mind.
If you are going through he//, keep going.
If it does not kill you, it will make you stronger.

I am here supporting you and wanted to pop in and tell you I think you are doing well in spite of the crazy from the WAW and the challenge of being a great father for those 5 lil ones.

Do something good for yourself today. The whole put on your oxygen mask first thing so you can take care of the family second. You deserve a little distraction.

Be well my brother, be well this day.

[J5K]

Sadhub,

Thank you again for the support and kind words.

Maybe I am the crazy one, I think about the D and no matter what the outcome, I will end up in Toronto.

Version 1: She get custody and I move up there to be closer to my boys.

Version 2: I get custody and I move up there so my boys can be closer to their mom. I am also thinking of doing this to show her and MIL that I am not the monster they make me out to be.

Of course on was on this path to move back in March but the fact that I found out about her weekend with OM just made me react to stay in Michigan. Had I been stronger and more confident of myself at the time maybe it would have been a more positive outcome for the family. I definitely did not want to be in an open marriage.

I have to go through with this D and see what the outcome is and then take stock from their to do what is best for me and my boys.

I wanted the same things she wanted and it is a shame we were spinning out of control as a couple.

Still waking up abruptly in the mornings but sleep better when I have my time with the boys. I hope to be the lighthouse for her one day.

[sandi2]

Version 2: I get custody and I move up there so my boys can be closer to their mom. I am also thinking of doing this to show her and MIL that I am not the monster they make me out to be.

Jim, I lived many years of my life trying to win the approval of my in-laws, especially my MIL. Whenever this happens, you become a prisoner to how they see things, how they feel, what they think you should do, what they like or don't like, and most of all........you are trying to prove your own self value to someone who has already made up their minds they will not accept the truth where you are concerned.

I think I know from experience how important it feels to you right now, b/c my mother tried to tell me I was trying to win my in-laws approval. I continued, to no avail. After my kids were grown, and my M had suffered greatly from problems with my MIL's influence and intrusions, I decided to detach from her emotionally. I realized, finally, she did not decide my value. I stopped trying to be the ideal daughter-in-law that any woman would be a fool not to want. It was no longer worth it to me. I saw she was never going to believe I was good enough for her son, or to accept me the way I had hoped.

I still visited her and never forsake my H's mother. I even sat through nights with her when she was dying. However, I was free from the entrapment I had previously experienced. I had made peace and forgiven her, even though she never admitted wrong or apologized for anything.

I have learned though other experiences with people, that they are going to think what they WANT to think about me. My job is to live my life as honest and right as I see fit, but I will not fall prey in living my life to win the approval of someone who doesn't even like me........much less, love me!