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DDJ Offline OP
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Not going to let her in. But I like the email idea. Hope she never found this link. Anxious over that too.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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DDJ, it comes down to if you truly believe she wants to work on you two and stop her wayward ways... If you truly believe it, then you need to be there for her and help her comeback and stay with you... If you believe it, and she wants to spend time with you, then do it. If you think she's just trying to make sure she's still pulling your strings, then do your thing without her.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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I get dizzy trying to keep up with you.

You said you were not focused on saving the M, that it was all about you and protecting your heart. Last night, you practically fought her to keep her out of the MBR.

Today, you are questioning if you should allow her back into the MBR. My gosh, no wonder she plays games.

Look, I have said from the beginning you are still watching her for a reaction.....and you can claim whatever, but it doesn't change the fact you continue switching things around to see how she reacts to the latest thing you have announced.

I think both of you need family therapy. She does not appear very sound in moral conduct, and you are bouncing all over the place. How can you expect her to stand on solid ground when you can't be consistent in your own actions?

Maybe in her childhood she was not taught the high moral standards and values one usually expects from a married woman and mother of a small child, IDK. She continues to say she wants to work on the MR.....but her behavior says otherwise. She wants to have sex all the time, with you or someone else. IMHO, she's definitely seeking something.

My advice is for you to stop playing these games to see how she will react. If you don't want to be M to her (and at one point you said you didn't), then get a divorce. Don't tell you are going to be a bachelor for a year and then see how you feel. Stop trying to punish her and just make a decision and stick to it.

If you do want to be M, then lay down the boundaries to have respect your home and M, and stick to them. (And I don't think you have the boundary concept yet). If she won't comply, then S or D. You are simply prolonging this ugly situation. It sounds to me like she needs a lot of structured environment and behaviors, and she's not getting it from her hyperactive H.

Just please don't make anymore moves today. Don't tell her anything else about what you are going to do. You need to first make a decision and then decide how you plan to go forward with it. What do you really want?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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DDJ Offline OP
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I'm dizzy myself sandi. This anxiety is the same that I felt before I think she first cheated.

I don't want to feel this anymore. In terms of putting my foot down. I will do so tomorrow. I will tell her to comply or I will divorce. As for letting her back in to MBR, it was mainly a joke to try and speed things up. Was not going to.

What I do know, is that all the advice I'm getting is confusing me. Give her freedom, drop her, watch her cheat, focus on yourself. Putting my foot down is the only thing that has had any effect.

As for her moral compass, she comes from a very bad place. Very very bad. Every single family member is wayward. Everyone. I know that I don't have the strength to "save" her and myself. I must choose one.

So, will sleep on it tonight, cry a bit and tomorrow is the day I drop her. Any which way this goes. Emotions or not. I refuse to watch this carnage any more.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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Quote:
What I do know, is that all the advice I'm getting is confusing me. Give her freedom, drop her, watch her cheat, focus on yourself. Putting my foot down is the only thing that has had any effect.


You continue to adjust what you are doing based on her responses. If she doesn't respond the way you want, you act differently.

This is very co-dependent, manipulative, and controlling. You are doing it. She is doing it.

We are being consistent with our advice: Let her go, stop trying to control her behavior.

Where some people get confused is they think DBing is nothing more than a strategy of how to behave to get their WAS to return to the marriage. IT IS NOT. DB is a program designed to address OUR HALF of the breakdown of the M to 1) allow an OPPORTUNITY for the relationship to rebuild, and 2) become better people for ourselves if it fails.

If you knew the M was over and there was 0 chance for the future, what would you do? What changes do you think you'd need to make for you? What did you do wrong in the M, and how can you become a better person for you?

I think your first 180 would be to stop trying to control her thoughts, feelings, and behavior. I wouldn't want to live with that, and as long as you continue she won't either. The more you try to control her, even with 'DB methods', the more you push her away.

Where does your need to control come from? What can you do about it?


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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So I'm not strong enough for my WW, I'm not strong enough to be consistent, I'm not strong enough to fully comprehend this whole mess.

...


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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Was this in reply to my post? I don't understand what you are saying if it was.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Apr 2016
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DDJ Offline OP
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No its not zues... Getting there. Hang in pls.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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DDJ Offline OP
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Well zues, I am fixing myself and am an unbroken man. I will make my own decisions and will be back on Monday with an update.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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DDJ, I don't know why your not posting until after wknd, but if your taking a trip have fun. For now, don't talk to your WW about anything, just take a few days to reset and get a begineers mindset, stay focused on you and If she talks to you keep it brief and say that you have a lot to think about. Reset.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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