Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
Originally Posted By: doodler
betterm,

I'm a big believer in helping the WW toward her goals because it seems to be a faster path to the realization that the fantasy is incongruent with reality and it's not what's expected from you.

Check out LiM's thread if you get a chance. His situation was a little different, but he's got a lot of good info on his thread.

I'm also a big believer in drawing mustaches on sleeping WWs.


Trust me doodler, before this is all over with...
THERE WILL BE MUSTACHE!


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
YES!!! laugh

Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
I was filling out the financial disclosure paperwork and stumbled across her cars mileage. I texted her to send it over to me if she gets a second on her lunch break so I could complete this back to <attorney> today.

And she replied "can we just take a second to talk about all this? tomorrow? tonight even?" I told her "Every time we try to "talk" emotions take over and it never ends well; I don't want to fight or argue with you anymore." (it's always one-way, but didn't mention that)... She replied, "I know, but I (we) need to talk, so we (me) needs to really try to control those emotions so we can. I told her "If you want to talk, and you are really ready to talk to me, I certainly will not refuse the opportunity to do so."

I'm on the fence on my response, and the talk, in general. I felt since SHE initiated she wants to talk, and that she knows SHE is the one that needs to control the emotions (that's been rare so far), I did not want to turn her down. I just need to prepare to lay boundaries if things get elevated.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
betterm,

I was hoping one of the veterans would swing by and tell you how you should respond. I'd give you some suggestions, but all of my advice seems to run along the lines of, "Box up her $hit and kick her @ss out." That's probably not the advice you need and very likely why my wife boxed her $hit up and moved her @ss out.

I suck at DB, but apparently I'm good at giving bad DB advice. I should write a book...

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
Do you want to save your M?
Is so do not feel badly about your response
But if I was you I would say something like, "it's encouraging to me that you do want to discuss these things. However it's clear that both of our emotions are running really high. I think it would be best that if we just try and be friendly to each other and maybe try to have these talks with a professional like a marriage counselor"
I'm not saying that's the only response but it is a suggestion


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
I actually feel good about my response to her. However, I am a bit skeptical of her intentions, which I know not to 'read into.'

cbt - I think that's a great approach actually. She's been texting tidbits of 'my mind is lost', 'everything is so hard for both of us', and even 'we have both done this to us, it can't be all your fault' ...

I'm staying vague in my responses and just responding back knowing that "I hear you, I'm present, I'm validating". I don't think sending this "MC Request" over text is the right thing to do though. I feel like she wants to see me face to face, for whatever reason. I'm thinking of using her words the few nights leading up to her retaining the attorney of "i don't want divorce, I don't know what I want, I'm bad and forth, I'm just so mad at everything, some days are good, some are bad", etc. and combining it with cbt's approach to get that MC request out BEFORE things get back (if/when it does get bad). And tell her I've already contacted a new, female MC if she's willing to considering going back to MC for a few more sessions...(she didn't like the man we had before, and partially why she refused to go back, but at the time was too angry to agree to a different MC),


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
I can tell the tensions rising on her end with the increased texting, and the content of her texting. I don't like the "build-up" to this already... maybe it would be a better idea to mention something about the tension/emotions and offer to have the conversation in front of an MC instead... I feel like that would be backing out on her (even though with good intentions) when she's asking for something so directly (to talk)... In the past I've backed out a lot, or ignored her requests... I think my "180" is to meet, and get my request out, sincerely, before she gets fired up. but if texts keep coming in getting more and more serious... hm, I have one hour til I'm off work...


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
You both have to like the MC or it won't work
So that's a good move
I know in my current situation I've taken the approach of just being friends with the W. I haven't pushed for "time together" or instigated sex
I'm just working on myself and being friends with my W again.
A few weeks ago I told myself absolutely no R talk outside MC office and I have stuck to that except for maybe one or two times before I caught myself
My situation is all about time
It's about showing real changes so I'm just being patient
Remember it's a marathon not a sprint
You and her don't need to rush anything


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
B
betterm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 682
I gently reminded her about how she said we shouldn't be texting our marriage matters, and she replied promptly, you're right, thank you.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
betterm,

I'm trying to think like a DB coach (notice, no mention of boxes). I think a DB coach would ask, "What kind of response would she normally expect from you?" Then do the opposite.

Or maybe get some boxes and a permanent marker for the mustache. Don't forget packing tape.

Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard