Chapter 2, She moved out - I win! I think

[bigybiz]

Well on Saturday she moved out. She is renting a room with a friend down the street.

After she told me that I created this situation and the only way she can think of resolving it is for her to leave. Yes, I miss her, yes I wish she would come back - but on the other hand what a selfish person. She says she loves her kids, it's so hard for her to walk away from everything in her life. Literally leaving with the clothes on her back and a van full of misc stuff. But, really you turn your back and go.

Well I think I'm the winner. I have the house, my three kids, I wake up in my own bed, I have the similar routines as before - but she is gone. She has told me she is moving on.

I guess I need to figure out what's next for me.

I would like her back and would like her to be my wife. But, if she's not coming back - I think I'm kinda set up. My kids are not sure what to think, they know I want her back and did not want her to go. They see me busting my butt with work, running the house, etc.

So time to put Chapter 2 in place,

As my long time listeners know, I think I'm doing pretty good on the GAL. That will continue. I keep knocking off the house projects, my fitness is off the charts, I've got a motorcycle, my hair is growing and I had it chemically relaxed. So I look a little different.

Now its just a point of keeping the house running and setting it up the way I want it.

I know for sure, without her here my pursuing will not be an issue.

So what's next people? My GAL is good, We don't do any text messages, emails, etc. Without her here I'm sure Going dark will be easier as there won't be awkward mealtimes etc.

I'm thinking of stop posting the activities the kids and I do on facebook. Right now I've been posting lots thinking it shoes everyone else that I'm still having a good time without her.

Is that the right strategy??

Need some more thoughts on going dark like this: I think I'll take down the "family" calendar which has important dates in it. Maybe I'll just manage it myself. Maybe she will set up a google calendar to assist. But keep her guessing.

Here is the real problem. I know my 180/LRT was having an impact on her. If I keep making changes to the house and how the kids and I do things - will this alienate her or make her want to be part of our lives again?

[bigybiz]

Well I'm not sure if this blows the "Going Dark".

Walking my youngest to school we bumped into W coming from the house she lives in. Funny thing it was her birthday. My S10 gave her a big "Happy Birthday". They walked together for 1/2 a block, they said goodbye. I said "Happy Birthday - Have a good day" and walked away. Otherwise, neither of us has contacted the other.

She is supposed to come over on Saturday and see the boys. She had some crazy idea that I would leave the house while she is here. I told her that's not happening. 1st I'm not going out because she wants me to 2nd. I'm thinking the more I'm around the more she can see that we are going on fine without her. What does everyone think?

I'm thinking that once she see's that we are all fine and the house is running great we can demonstrate that we will be fine without her. Thoughts?

[SH_]

bigybiz,

My thoughts will sound familiar to you.

Stay focused on doing things for you. You sound as if your plans for action are about having an affect for your w.

You have been doing great things and I hope you continue, but I have to say that the theme in your posts and your request for advice is still very focused on her.

Stay at the house if you can benefit from it. Leave if you can benefit. Do not do it it to " show her" anything.

I challenge you on this as I am learning much about how we are what we think. Your postings are what you are thinking.

So my 2x4 for you this morning is, read and learn everything you can about detaching.

You are demonstrating great actions. As your mindset aligns this will be the point that you will truly be the person that only a fool would leave.

Keep on keeping on and know I am proud of all the efforts you are making and am praying for you and your family my friend.

[bigybiz]

SadHub:

Thanks for your post. There is no question I am suffering from extensive confusion. I really like the practical/physical. It gives me a real sense of accomplishment which makes me feel great and boosts my confidence. I love giving the impression to everyone that I'm busy, focused, achieving, etc. Sometimes I even believe it.

I've accomplish so much since the fall of 2015 - it's almost scary and yes it tick's the W off which I kinda enjoy. There are two moments that I savour.

1) She said - Why are you doing all these house projects now - how come you did not do them when it could have made a difference.

2) On Saturday before she left she said: Your work outs are paying off you look very defined.

As you point out - It seems that I have been doing them for her as much as I have been doing them for me.

So for now I'll claim to be the winner:

I have my house, my 3 kids, a fab body, a motorcycle, new skills (cooking, etc) - so I should be attractive to someone.

Now I need to set the boundaries and keep her from ruining my progress.

Here is the catch. I believe God brought us together. We both messed it up (I'll take much of the blame). And now I need to trust that God has a plan for me that will give my more than I could possibly imagine. So I won't date.

So in the meantime - my mind is my worst enemy. I need to figure out how to detach - without developing a hard heart like hers.

Even if she does not come back, etc, etc. I'll still be very happy with the progress I've made.

How does that sound?

[J5K]

bigybiz,

Glad to hear you are doing well with your kids. It's important to be happy with yourself. Keep it up. You are an inspiration to me.

[bigybiz]

JimKao - What an honor for you to say I'm an inspiration. That means so much at this time - when I feel so isolated and second guess my self constantly.

Everyone else in my life - including my kids are looking at me like I'm some kind of dummy because I'm the only one who wants my marriage to heal/repair.

Aside from my pastor (who is very cautious) - the people here are the only group the empathize with me.

I guess what I need to say is I really have everything. Health, family, home, work, opportunity, (did I mention a motorcycle :)) etc. I just don't have a Wife. So maybe I'm scoring 80%. In most exams 80% is a pass.

I'm just not ready to give up yet.

[SH_]

SadHub:

Thanks for your post. There is no question I am suffering from extensive confusion. I really like the practical/physical. It gives me a real sense of accomplishment which makes me feel great and boosts my confidence. I love giving the impression to everyone that I'm busy, focused, achieving, etc. Sometimes I even believe it.

bigy keep up with the things you are doing if it boosts your confidence. This is a good thing. This is for you. Keep that as your focus.

I've accomplish so much since the fall of 2015 - it's almost scary and yes it tick's the W off which I kinda enjoy. There are two moments that I savor.

1) She said - Why are you doing all these house projects now - how come you did not do them when it could have made a difference.

2) On Saturday before she left she said: Your work outs are paying off you look very defined.

This is for her. This is the part that you want to remove the focus from.

As you point out - It seems that I have been doing them for her as much as I have been doing them for me.

Perfect. You recognize it. This is a good step needed in order to detach.

So for now I'll claim to be the winner:

I have my house, my 3 kids, a fab body, a motorcycle, new skills (cooking, etc) - so I should be attractive to someone.

You will be attractive to someone if you keep it up. This is a key aspect for Dbing. If you made these changes for her, they will not stick. If you made these changes for you, they can become permenent and then you will be the person only a fool would leave, and my addition to this, you will be the person that attracts the persons that you deserve.

Now I need to set the boundaries and keep her from ruining my progress.

No one can ruin your progress but you. Boundaries are about respect, not progress. Progress happens if you are doing the right things for you.
Boundaries are so that she does not violate your emotional space, your position as a father or man of the house as well as to protect her from jumping over the edge so to speak with you.

Here is the catch. I believe God brought us together. We both messed it up (I'll take much of the blame). And now I need to trust that God has a plan for me that will give my more than I could possibly imagine. So I won't date.

I too believe God has a plan and when we have faith, and do our best, he can guide us. I am learning that sometimes he will reveal the plan after we do the work, and that is why I am focused on living in the moment, because the future will be bright, it just may not look like I imagine it. Your faith and belief is a great thing and I see it in your story and admire your faith and work.

So in the meantime - my mind is my worst enemy. I need to figure out how to detach - without developing a hard heart like hers.

I completely understand where you are coming from about the mind being our enemy. I live that each day. As you continue your efforts and research on how to win that war, you will be better for it. It will be a challenge, but when you conquer this, you will be that person a fool would leave.
Research detachment, study it, and practice. Detachment, does not mean you stop loving her, nor develop a hard heart. You can detach and still be kind and loving. You just won't be affected by her actions, and your actions will be due to being the strong confident man you want to be.

Even if she does not come back, etc, etc. I'll still be very happy with the progress I've made.
How does that sound?

Detach and you will be happy no matter what decision she makes. This will be because your happiness comes from within.

It all sounds good. You are on the right path, and I believe that if you put the same effort you have been giving you will arrive at the point of being the man, only a fool would leave.
Keep it up big!! You have made great progress and you are an example for many that join us here.

[collin]

bigybiz,

Glad to hear you are doing well with your kids. It's important to be happy with yourself. Keep it up. You are an inspiration to me.

bigybiz,
I want to echo this also. I've been following your posts. I haven't really posted much on your because you seem to be killing it. You are an inspiration to me as well. Not only in the way you're mastering your situation but your faith. When I read your post on "Offering Prayer" it was the right thing in the right time and I thought to myself, there's someone who get's it. That post really helped me get my prayer life back on track. Thank you..

[bigybiz]

Collin, JimKao, SadHub:

Thanks for your posts. It's truly humbling to be in such company. When I reread my own posts, I realize that they can sound more dramatic than I actually feel.

I'm totally energized when I read the various posts from all of you and so many others on this site.

As you know, I'm very happy with the progress I've made and I know no one or nothing can take that away. As easy as it is to say, I should not do things with her in mind - I have a desire to try an make amends for some of my failings. Whether it's catching up on house projects or taking on a bigger part of the house work, doing a better job at tracking finances, etc. I get great satisfaction in making amends where I can. I do believe that part of being remorseful is changing behaviour. If she chooses not to accept my changes or acknowledge my efforts - that's her problem. My efforts were sincere/genuine.

I can truly tell everyone that life right now is OK. I do ache for her and think about her all the time. I do need more focus on work. I'm happy with much of what is happening - TBH since she left there is 0 tension in the house. I need to be thankful for that.

The other day, I said to myself - Maybe I don't want her back - maybe she is damaged goods. Then I realized that is the wrong attitude. Even though I took my hands off the wheel for a few years-I did promise to love her forever, so I can't think like that. The negative, retaliatory thinking is as bad as the desperation and neediness.

I do daydream that next week at the school fair - some sexy single mom says to her "Your finished with him right...so you won't mind if...)

Until then, my goal is for my marriage to be healed. So I'll continue to morph myself into a man that is worthy of a loving, accepting, honest, Godly, etc marriage.

But, I still need help with the practical in dealing with her. i.e. Do I post photos, etc of what the kids and I are doing, should I change the house too much, etc, etc.

What do you think.

BTW - I've added to my prayer list that my W uses this time to develop a deep relationship with God.

I

[PacLove]

bigybiz,

I'm touched by your thread (haven't caught up but just the last few posts have moved me)... My W moved out on 4/1 and I've been doing my best to GAL, only this week have I felt truly free from her as I've been doing my own thing.

I too am believing in the covenant M and pray every day that she will come back. Little interest in dating or moving on but temptation is constantly there - I find that now to be one of the toughest things to turn my eye away from.

I sympathize with your comments around FB, and getting Buff, originally I was doing it for "her" but now realize it's for the betterment of myself, my health and showing strength, but every now and then I contemplate - how will she react. I posted last weekend when we actually did something together, thinking maybe the OM would see it, but I'm starting to realize these little things don't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

She needs to be hit by a 2x4 before she'll contemplate coming home.