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#2680860 05/26/16 09:56 AM
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So, my wife asked me to take my son to the park on Saturday so she could clean up his room and would meet us. 30 minutes later she meets us, and announces the car is packed and she's leaving. She took my son for the day, obviously the worst day of my life. I was able to get to my friend's house so I didn't completely crumble, but I'm devastated.

First off, we've had problems. She tried to leave us in January, but I was able to get her to stay. I worked on a lot, and she admitted I had done pretty well and have become not just a good but great Dad. However, the underlying problems are still there obviously. She didn't really change, which I think is the main issue although I know I have lots of work to do too. She's unhappy, and says she has been for a while. Our communication has been horrible, we're quick to anger, know how to go for the jugular in arguments, and care too much about winning than solutions. We've argued about our son a lot. He does speech therapy and has to find a new preschool. All of the issues and questions with our son have stressed her out. She is a constant worrier, and lives in the moment while I'm always thinking about long term.

She says we're separated, and I've come to accept that. For the first few days I was in tears hours during the day, whether I had my son or she did. I want to work it out. There's nothing terrible like infidelity, drinking, stealing, etc. but we have lots of little things. She obviously needs to find herself, and says our son deserves 2 happy parents. I agree with her fully here. She has also said it's too late to work on things, and I refuse to accept that. I think there are a million ways we can improve and work together to keep this family intact, but I know I'm going to have to go through the hell of letting her find herself.

Yesterday was a milestone for me. I'm totally committed to this family, my wife and son.I haven't cried since reading, and have created a list of short and long term goals for myself. I have started a list of daily improvements, no matter how small they may be. And I followed the author's advice and wrote down a mantra to say each morning for 3 weeks, something along the lines of "I want to have a great marriage and am learning new skills to do so!" Sounds silly, but it feels good to say in the mirror.

My copy of The Divorce Remedy is arriving at my nearby library soon. What I've read here so far has increased my hope not just for my marriage, but for myself and my son. I stopped begging, pleading with my wife and am secluding texts/phone calls to my son as much as possible. I'm focusing on me, and not her. And I'm worrying about how I'm going to improve today not what I'm scared of 3, 6 or 9 months in the future. I've asked my wife why she hates me, and she says she doesn't. I know the candle still burns. It's dim sure, but it still burns. I'm prepared to work HARD and make the best effort possible for my family.

If anyone has any advice, questions, etc please share!!!

Last edited by Cadet; 05/26/16 04:17 PM. Reason: As per forum agreement do not mention other books and authors

Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG #2680868 05/26/16 10:17 AM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Thank you. I lurked here for hours yesterday, so I've read over some of the links already. Especially the rules. I'm planning on doing more when my son is with her, and am really going to use the time she's away as best I can. I'll continue to soak up as much info as possible and am excited for my Divorce Remedy to arrive at my library.


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG #2680900 05/26/16 11:26 AM
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
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I definitely won't tell her! Thanks again!!


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG #2680959 05/26/16 03:50 PM
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Any advice would be welcome!


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
RSG #2680966 05/26/16 04:17 PM
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RSG, this is a tough but critical time, it's time for you to give space, validate, and keep working on yourself. It sounds like you already know this and your taking steps to take it one day at a time. I really don't even know what to suggest because it seems like your on the right track.

The only thing I can think of is you may want to take a class, or read a book, on anger management and/or communicating. These will help you in the long run, but for now don't communicate, just validate. Be a great dad and focus on yourself, it's a long road and you need to start with yourself.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Read all the homework especially Sandi's threads.

Your wife is following the script and its time to stop
pursuing her, begging and pleading.

You can only FIX yourself not her.

Have you read chapter one in Divorce Remedy linked above?


Me-70, D37,S36
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RSG,
Sorry that you find yourself here. The first few weeks are definitely the toughest. You world has been turned upside down and your head is spinning. We all understand that feeling here. You found the right place to help you get through this.
The very first thing to understand is that you CAN NOT beg, plead or talk to your W about your marriage. She has been planning this for a long time. There is a wall there now and no matter what it won't come down quickly. I know it's tough to hear, but the person you were closest to is now furthest from helping you.
You will find out that this is all about helping yourself be best you that you can be.
When you do that it may save your M, but worst case you will save yourself

Please tell us more about your situation.
How long have y'all been together? Married? Kids? Ages?
What are the main problems that you know about? What are yours? What's are hers?
The more information you can share, the better the forum can help
Hang in there. It will get better
Most of all you must understand that this is a marathon not a sprint.
This didn't happen overnight and it won't be fixed overnight


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
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I'm TRYING to do those things. I've read them and am trying. I'm taking care of my son, and had a great time playing in the pool with him. I almost lost it, because this is something we loved to do as a family. But I didn't. I told myself to stay strong, because I'm working for my son.
I've read a book on separation, and I'm picking up my copy of DR from the library tomorrow. I'm trying to validate. It's something I started on my own, somewhat, earlier this year.
It's hard to not ask her about us, and only talk about our son and how she's doing at work, what she's doing on Memorial Day,etc. I'm doing a good job keeping the texts, calls to a minimum and trying to be a friend. But it's HARD. I'm one of those people that fears the unknown!!


Me: 35 W: 32
S: 4
T: 6 M: 4
Physical Separation official: 5/21
Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
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