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Update… hopefully short… Apparently H didn’t receive my text last night (as I found out later.) I texted him this morning and asked about my text and he said that he didn’t get it. I asked if still wanted to come over to pick up his mail. He said yes, that he was in a hurry and could come over in 10 min.

So, he came… He drove his car… I didn’t see anybody in there, but I’m pretty sure someone is going to take it back to the vacation home for him. I had a cleaning lady in the house and she removed all the rugs from the floor. H asked if it was ok for him to come in in his shoes, and I said yes, the floor was not mopped yet.

Here are some observations:
- He went straight to the kitchen and to the table, looking for his mail. I guess he still remembers where I collect his mail (in a basket on the kitchen table)
- He was wearing his usual work shoes (pre BD), and not the flip-flops that he switched to about the time of BD
- He petted the dog
- He felt a bit uncomfortable
- He was in a hurry (like he said he would be), so there was no conversation
- He thanked me for the mail
- He could have chosen not to come for the mail and ask me to mail it to him, but he came to the house
- He did ask about the absentee ballot (which has not arrived yet).

Me:
- I didn’t even take a good look at him, except for noticing the shoes (I guess this is what universe wanted me to see, hehe)
- I didn’t feel any anxiety when he came
- But, I did feel like I was drained after he left… I felt disappointed… I guess I had some expectations… These pesky expectations… And I cannot even tell what exactly these expectations were… Any movement one way or another???


I guess I asked this question many times before, but I’m still not sure I understand it all the way. It’s been 4 years since BD and probably 6 years since H’s MLC started. Sometimes I see that there is some progress in terms of moving to the next stage… And sometimes it is just feels like it starts all over again. He was starting to get closer to his family and my son… And now, being in town this time, he didn’t even contact my son (I know that for sure because my son came for dinner tonight and I asked him if he’s heard from H and he said no.)

The good thing is that I was able to recover from all these feelings pretty nicely. I worked from home today, I took a little nap in the afternoon, and the guy came to fix my garage door, so it is working again!


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Hi Bright, I do read along, but don't always post. I'm always pleased to read about your GAL...though (like me) there are times where we need to withdraw a little and get some recovery time!

As for your H - well yes it has been a long time and it does sound as though he is still baking - maybe the oven temp was too low??

My main concern for you in your sitch is the degree to which you maintain links with your H and do things for him. Given the length of time that has passed, I would think it's perfectly reasonable to begin to sever some of those ties. I always think the main question to ask is - does this work for me? Does it work for you that his mail trickles in and builds up and you know you'll need to be in touch to hand it over? Would you fear that bringing some of these things to an end may signal closing the door?

Of course it is your life and always up to you. I'm just putting it out there...and it is within the context of me thinking you are generally doing so well and getting on with your life regardless of him - so kudos to you!

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Bright,

I feel like we are in a similar place at this moment. Just when you feel like they are starting to open up and re enter the world they start to pull back.

In my situation there was give and take in conversations and time together. Over the last couple weeks I have felt a pulling away again. It is dis heartening as just when you feel like you have turned a corner you suddenly feel like you are slipping back in.

I have decided to pull back myself at this point and see what happens. Pull myself back out of it a bit and give her more time to bake.

I do start to wonder how long it will take. It feels like I have been at this a long time like you. I wonder if she will ever be a person that I want to be with day in and day out again.I sit here and wonder if I should continue or just move on myself and follow a different path.

At this point it is in both our control over what path we choose. I am trying to give myself the time and space to see where my heart leads. I am sure you will do the same.


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Sotto, thank you for your post and for our concern. Yes, I do ask myself more and more these days, if it I need to cut all the remaining ties to truly move on with my life. You are right pointing out that “the oven temp” is very low, hahaha. Job also mentioned it multiple times that my H is a very slow MLCer. Maybe because he just didn’t have it hard enough… He didn’t hit the rock bottom… His life is not what it used to be with me, but I think it better than what it used to be when he was a teenager, freshly out of his broken “family” house (he lived with his Mother after his parent’s divorce.)
And, yes, I constantly ask myself, if this works for me. I might be delusional (like some of my friends think), but most of the times I do think that it works for me. I don’t know. I’m not a very good at expressing my thoughts, like other people here. I might be conveying something that I don’t intent to… Like, every time I mention H’s mail, people think that I’m so upset with it, and they suggest to do something about it, to cut it… to tell him to find another source… etc… And, most of the times, I’m just constituting the facts… no more. Yes, I do wonder what is on his mind… when he is still relying on me for his mail… But, as far as I’m concerned, I can always tell him to find some other arrangements… Sotto, to answer your question about this mail thing… yes, I think if I cut this off, I will be closing the door… Which, I think is already more than half way shut anyway… I am trying to work on shutting it all the way up… I just feel something is still holding me from it… I need to figure out what it is… that is holding me…

Life Twists, great to see you here! I don’t know if I missed your updates, but I would like to see some! I hear you about wondering how long this thing lasts. You’ve been at this for a long time too (only about 6 months less than me, LOL), and you are right, it is very frustrating to see them come closer and then pull away again. Yes, I’m also trying to give myself time and space… But… I’m also trying to find the ways to cut it loose. Apparently, I’m not as courageous as other people are. And H is not doing anything to end it, which would probably be devastating for me at first, but then it would be all done… How do I find a courage and energy to do it myself? I think at this point I would be ok with him initiating a D process, I would go along and do whatever is necessary to bring this to an end and protect myself at the same time.

Sometimes I want to do something very drastic to provoke H to start the D process. But… for some reason I just cannot bring myself to initiate this on my own. I know, my friends would call me a weak person…


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Bright, I think it's less about weakness and more about readiness, and we all get to where we want to be in our own time & way....😊xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I ditto Sotto, who always has the right words!

You articulate your thoughts very well, by the way. Thanks for sharing; it's nice to hear how you're doing.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Originally Posted By: BrightFuture
I’m also trying to find the ways to cut it loose. Apparently, I’m not as courageous as other people are. And H is not doing anything to end it, which would probably be devastating for me at first, but then it would be all done… How do I find a courage and energy to do it myself? I think at this point I would be ok with him initiating a D process, I would go along and do whatever is necessary to bring this to an end and protect myself at the same time.

Sometimes I want to do something very drastic to provoke H to start the D process. But… for some reason I just cannot bring myself to initiate this on my own. I know, my friends would call me a weak person…


I certainly wouldn't call you a weak person, Bright. Anyone who has made it as far as you have has to be plenty strong!

It seems H is quite content with the status quo. I'm guessing you could do or say just about anything and he's not going anywhere. This is why I wanted you to try flirting with him back when he sent you the lipstick case.

Maybe it's time to try something new. Rock the boat a bit just to see what happens. What's he gonna do?


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Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

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Thanks Sotto, HaWho, FY for your thoughts. Speaking about time and readiness... I need some advice... And encouragement.

Need some advice now, if anybody is reading… As I expected that ar some point the conversation about my new condo at the vacation home and me starying at our joint condo would come up…
Today I sent H his absentee ballot (as he asked me to). I texted him that I sent it. He thanked me. And they I asked the question again about if he is planning to be at the vacation home on certain dates next month (since he didn’t asnswer to this question in my e-mail.) He told me the dates, I thanked him and told that I’m planning to be there when he is not. He came back with the questions “Don’t you have you won condo now? I thought you bough one.”
My reply: “Yes, I bought a condo. It is not quite ready yet, and it is also in rentals for now.” (the meaning of “not ready” is that I don’t have everything set up for my own confort and liking there yet.)
He texted back: “Oh, ok. Was not copletely built or just needs some decorating?”

So, I think he is trying to start a converstaion on this… He know well that the condo is finished and furnished and has been rented. He mgiht or might not know that I was going to put in the rental pool, but he absolutely knows (from my mutual friends) that it was my intent to do it, and that I also wanted to still use our joint condo.

Not sure where is going with this. Whether he really wants me out of that condo, or he feels he needs to address the gossip over there, or he is doing a remp check (this one is very unlikely in my opinion)…

I was kind of preparing for this converstaion at some point, I’m nor ready to discuss it right now (too much stuff to deal with.) I’m debating myself how I should reply to him:
- Through the truth darts and tell him that he needs to deal with the state of affairs first (aka file for D or separation of assets) and then we can talk about me moving out my stuff out of the condo and not using it… after my name is off the mortgage and I’m not responsible for it. This would most likely alienate him.
- Play the same game he is playing, like pretending that I’m not quite understanding what is the issue here and avoid the direct conversation, just keep coming up with excuses why I cannot stay in my new condo.
- Or, completely ignore his last text… Like he used to do right after BD, when I would ask him a direct question and he would not answer at all, I guess because it was uncomfortable…
The bottom line is that I want to avoid the confrontation and still continue to use the joint condo, as I planned. It is convenient for me for now. This could be one of my answers to him. It is just convenient for me, period. I don’t need to give any other explanations. But, it might open a can of worms with the follow up conversation. If he would press, I would tell him that so far he’s been doing what’s convenient for him. Does he want me to just quietly disappear out of his life, without giving him any troubles and without doing any work and having any consequences? Maybe this is what is needed… and something I was talking about in my previous post…

I just don’t feel like I want to deal with this right now. I’m actually thinking to take a couple of days off and go to the vacation home this weekend, because I need to recharge so badly. I’m beyond exhausted. I’m also afraid that if I start throwing the truth darts, I will not be able to keep my mouth shut and make the smart moves. I need to sort my thoughts out.

I welcome any advice and 2x4 as well. I haven’t replied to his last text yet.


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Bright - I am no vet, but I'll give you my 2 cents and you can do what you want with it.

Rather than worrying what HE is up to (which you can't really know anyway), my advice? Try to take a little time and figure out what you want to accomplish in this conversation with him.

To me, what you should do depends on your goal. I think you have to figure out whether you want him to know you are there and the door is still open, the door is closing or the door has closed. If you are still unsure, then act as if so as not to disrupt anything.

Thinking of you...


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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FY, read you post again after I came home… All text exchange with H was while I was still at work. And it already intense and stressful enough, that I lost my mind for a minute, LOL. I think by buying the condo I pretty much put H in a difficult position, so I think it would do no good in terms of flirting. I think he feels inadequate again… I’m almost positive about it, because as nice guy as he is (according to all the people who know him), he never congratulated me for my new car or a condo. This is not like him. If I mean nothing in his life, if I’m just an average person helping him with his business and other stuff, he would be the first one to say “congratulations on your new car and your new condo”. I think there is a different story behind all of these…

So, if he felt like approaching me at some point and making some “ways” with the lipstick gift, etc… I think I spoiled it by buying an expensive car and a condo on my own. However, you have a good point, what is it going to do if I rock the boat... And it seems that this is what is about to happen here…

Just noticed a lot of typos in my previous post… Sorry…

I sent a text back to H in response to his last question about the condo not being finished or decorated: “No, it finished and decorated…” Will see what his response will be… There is nothing so far… but I it is 2 hours difference in time zones… so he might be asleep…

HaWho, I get your 2 cents. And thanks for thinking of me! I always appreciate any advice and any thoughts. I’m not sure if I want to let him know that the door is still open… I just don’t think he can comprehend it at this time (he might be approaching the end of his journey, but he is also a very stubborn man…) I just want to let him know that he cannot walk over me without any consequences… He has to sacrifice something to get the “perfect” life and his “perfect, harmonious relationship” he wants! I still think he is a good man inside… and worth it… But… I don’t want to hope for someone who has no desire to have me in his life.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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