14 days of sheer hell, part 6, i think

[DDJ]

OK, so WW overheard a call with my mother, but only the last part where I said, she's not going to be here, but the doors going to be open so let yourself in.

WW asked who, I said no-one. She leaves in skirt and boots and sneaks back in ten mins later, as I put our S to sleep. Then my mother comes around with cake and my Ww pops out of the second room in pyjamas. I'm like. DAMN.

[DDJ]

So i hit 15 out of 20 in my goals for yesterday. I used the job to make myself more attractive, talking about how the job will make me more me, and happier.

She's not responded about the house and D or S, will give her till months end. I know that Dream and Darknes are not happy that i put D on the table. I really appreciate your input, on par with Sandi's, but i think that this is the right thing to do. I know that it is, to save myself.

I was thinking about Coconuts situation and mine and with OM2 leaving for 2 months, what if she does a 180 now? I must keep my focus on me so that I can detach. I must follow through on what I have said I will, or I will let myself down again, for a woman. But, that day is neither here, nor there. Though still at the back of my mind.

I need to be in a place where If I do take her back one day, and she does this again, then I must be strong enough to drop her instantly and forever.

[roist]

I am not sure separation has anything to do with working on becoming who you want to be. I am not saying it is the wrong path as I am not fully up to date with your situation.But IMO achieving that state of mind you are striving towards is independent of your living situation.

Sure it may seem better/easier if she is not there. And yes W feels a consequence. Those have nothing to do with how you think. Why are you linking them so strongly.

Best wishes.

[DDJ]

Well, thats the thing roist. I'm an out of the box thinker, I have no idea if living by myself will help make me more me. But i've never ever done it. I have not experienced being alone. Loneliness, yes. But never alone.

I want to be able to look back at this time and say that I did what I did to help myself become a better person. I believe that being by myself is necessary. All the signs point to it. It's being selfish, i know that. But i am seriously not considering her feelings. She will survive.

Obviously, I do not have control over my own plans, but I must move forward with them until God puts a plug in it and says no... which brings me to the next post...

[DDJ]

So here is some movement... Latest email from the WW -

By when are you planning or wanting to get the house on your name??
The two options you gave me is a big decision so I need alot of time to think about iT and I hope last night with me not going anywhere told you something.


I PLAN ON REPLYING, I would like your answer by next week Friday please. I definitely appreciated you staying at home. Thank you.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS/GALS THINK?

[DDJ]

My former WW friend says to reply "Either way it did not make a difference". but then again, she's cold. Gotta love her though.

[roist]

I personally don't like either reply. Do a bat call for Wonka. Wait for some advice here.

Putting your n

[roist]

I personally don't like either reply. Do a bat call for Wonka. Wait for some advice here.

Putting your needs first is one thing. But it should be coherent with what you want long term. Is this going to do that for you? Do you know what you want long term?

Best wishes

[DDJ]

Ok, called the moderators.

Never thought about the long-long-term. That alone plan is set for a year and a half though. But where do i want to be at the end of next year, regardless of the path i take...

Ultimate goal - I can still see myself with my WW. But i see myself as someone that chooses to be with her, not because of a broken heart or the love that was lost. But because i chose to, because she and I share the same belief system and are able to put the past behind us. I feel that I cannot take her journey to "find herself, and me, if she chooses" with her.

My path is taking me away from her, for now. If at the end of next year, I say, "I cannot see myself moving forward with you in it". then it needs to come from a place without attachment, without control, without ultimatums.

I am not at that place now. I want to find that place, in me, by myself.

[DDJ]

ok, i think that I know what to say...

I would like your answer by Friday next week.
I do not want you to stay for me, you need to do what you think is best for you.

I must remember that she does not care about me or love me anymore. Everything from here on in is self-preservation. From both of us.