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betterm,

She's obviously working through some issues and you're on the receiving end of her internal chaos.

Cadet posted something recently; he said that the root cause of the wayward spouse syndrome is depression and, since you're the closest person to her, you're perceived as the cause of the issues (paraphrased).

Something is going on that she can't figure out. Individual counseling for her, or both of you, may help. I don't really know what to recommend because your situation seems to be a little different than many others.

As I'd said before, this has happened so early in your marriage, and you don't have kids, that it seems like something else is amiss. There may be a third party, a confidant that she's become enamored with, or possibly some childhood abuse or something.

I wish I had something definitive to tell you, but there's something simmering under the covers (poor metaphor) and it'd be nice to know what's causing your wife's angst.

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There's Sandi's rules, again. Believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do. Actions over words and even those can be suspect.

Remember, it gets worse before it gets better. Think of this as a battle...a battle to win your marriage back, but a war to win YOU back.

She has told you she wants a D and that she doesn't want to work on your R. Now that you are standing your ground, she is telling you she doesn't want a D and wants to work on M and YOU are standing in the way. She is trying to sway you; manipulate you. So...do you believe any of it?

She can't stand to be at her parents, she can't stand to be around you. Im curious as to why she isn't staying with a friend. Does she not have any close ones? Are you her "bestie"? This could be a sign of co-dependency...strange for a relatively new marriage.

She is unhappy and spinning around trying to escape her unhappiness. This is a woman in crisis and it isn't just about you. She isn't aware yet that it is her that she's running from. No real job, dependent and spoiled, no kids depending on her...The rudderless ship also applies to her. This is why you detach. She has to work on this problem herself, but if you stand your ground firmly (stay in your house, live your life, make her do the work to grow up) she can do this. She NEEDS to work on her. You NEED to work on you.

Yes, continue to validate (no buts, no explanation). Up it. Add to your validation a repetition of her words once in awhile...it SHOWS you are listening. "So, I hear you saying you don't want a D?" ...pause...wait for her answer. Avoid judging that answer. Just continue validating. Aim for detachment...it doesn't matter if it makes her angry...its easier to lash out at the one you feel closest to...its safer. You are a safe target. Stand your ground and stop thinking her words are true.

And no, it is not time to send any type of text that even slightly approaches setting up an R talk. She's trying to manipulate you to gain control and you want to have a sit down face-to-face with her at THIS stage? Knowing that she's a woman desperately grabbing at ways to get her way when she doesn't even know what she wants? Take a break from that. Slow down. Give her some emotional distance. Her actions are showing that your's are having an effect. Give it time to work, now. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

I wonder what would happen if you didn't tell her you were going to be gone for two nights? Just, were gone?

Also, you do realize her "lawyer friend" comment was dropped in casually as a veiled threat...to see your reaction. Right? Don't react to that cr^p. She is VERRRRY manipulative. You are going to have to be very wary.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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I know guys, thank you so much all who responded, and I'm just happy that I didn't push 'send' last night. I should've known better as I had a few drinks in my as well, not drunk, but definitely not on par with what I'm trying to accomplish. I let the emotions, and her emotions get to me, and it knocked my feet out from under me for a second, even through this morning.

She called me from work, and I answered, She asked if I had anything to say about last night and I told her I didn't have much to add to what was already said, I told her my "decisions" recently haven't been made towards, or against, "my wife", as "you told me every day for weeks you wanted a divorce and didn't want me around anymore." And it was more of the same from her. "I don't know what I want, I just need time to figure it out and with you being so selfish to not leave the house it's not allowing me the space I need to look at this properly.'

cilizen - I actually am her "bestie", but she does have several other "close friends" she could be staying with. She said she doesn't like staying at friends houses either because while she's there she can't 'be to her self' and doesn't have time to put into thinking about our situation, as someone is always around. She wants some time 'alone', so friends houses, parents house, etc, do not allow her that. And I totally understand what she means, as I have the same problem at my brothers, friends, parents, etc. I asked her previously what it would take for her to get the 'space' 'time' she needs in our house, WITH me still staying there, and she never answered, blew it off, and said even if I was in the basement with the door closed, it wouldn't be good enough.

On the 'dont listen to words, look at her actions' comment. This is probably what made it easier to understand for me. Her 'words' are all over the place: lies, manipulative, targeted, etc... her 'actions' however, are more of the same. Angry rants, temper tantrums, and even though she continues to say I'm the selfish one, her actions are repetitively selfish so to speak.

I need to work more on how to deal with boundaries. even she said, "things are good sometimes at the house", BUUUUUT, then she'll start talking R talk, and asking questions, and then "we" have arguments (its really just her b*tching and me listening). I need to get better and cutting those kinds of things off before they start, without her feeling like I'm ignoring her feelings/thoughts. Once she starts, I need to find a way to create a breakpoint to end things before she gets out of control and to the point of un-validate-able. because I can usually validate/empathize with the first parts of conversation, but once the emotions take over her, it's just ranting and there is no way to validate any of that.


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Also, about the "just not coming home" thing... Good idea. I know she gets home tonight around 7. I will be sure to be gone by then, and not contact her at all, and just not plan on going home tonight. I don't have plans for Friday night, but there's plenty going on in this city, I'll try to have a bag packed for 2-3 nights and make it a point to not be home before she leaves for the family day-trip on Sunday, which I plan on spending Sunday-Monday at the lakehouse, so it should work out just fine, and then I'll come back home on Tuesday morning.


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...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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Last thing for a while, regarding doodler's comment, she's got something going on. I don't know if it was a PA, or an EA, or both, but that's just part of the problem. I noticed she called 'outbound' last night to the OM that she had LOTS of texts to back in early April. This is an OM that she works with. I've been trying not to watch her phone logs but was still unsure if the EA was continuing or not, so I looked last night. She called him after she left the house screaming and yelling and slamming doors, 3 calls total (two out, one in), all were 2 minutes or less, 2 last night, one this morning at 7:20AM. He's married, or at least was married, may be separated, I don't know to be honest... But, I realize looking at this does NOT help me at all, It's obvious that there is SOMETHING there, and that's all I need to know. I will not look at the bill anymore.

Secondly, every counselor/coach I've talked to said the same thing. She has issues within her that were never resolved and started in childhood. A bi-polar mom, who's side of the family is filled with different types of problems (manic, bipolar, schizophrenia, autism), none on the same people, all spread out through that side of the family. I'm not saying she is any of those things, but growing up in that environment, can cause some damage that carries into adulthood. She also had an abusive ex-boyfriend (the one right before we got together). He physically abused, and cheated on her repetitively. She's the type to hold grudges and she does not know forgiveness. She holds on to these things for too long and has never got professional help for any of these matters.

I know she's going to see her personal therapist next week. I wish she would go every day for the next month, I honestly think it would help HER, and she needs it.


M34 W28, T7, M2
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okay, one more... Something tells me I should just ask her directly, when things aren't "on fire", if there is someone else involved. She knows I'm not dumb, she made the calls and texts on our bill where she knows I can find them. It's like she WANTS to get caught...


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...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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betterm,

After you've been on this forum for a while you begin to realize that it's very, very rare that there's not an OM somewhere in the background. I think the childhood history and family history often form the predisposition for waywardness (i.e. poor boundaries) and the OM is the catalyst.

Not that any of that makes a difference right now, but it helps to know what you're up against.

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That could be.

My husband "left" his wallet on the kitchen counter by my phone after he got back from a trip. (not a normal thing). As he was acting very strange on the phone all weekend and at dinner the night before (no eye contact), I opened it...to find very expensive meal receipts...for two.

Sometimes they need to be "caught" for whatever reason.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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So I should confront her about the OM? If she denies it, I won't push, I won't tell her I snooped the phone bill, but it at least allows her the opportunity to consider I already know about it, and I just want her to get it off her chest. Because, if she never comes clean of this, she will never be able to fix herself, and we will never be able to fix 'us'...


M34 W28, T7, M2
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...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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Originally Posted By: betterm
So I should confront her about the OM? If she denies it, I won't push, I won't tell her I snooped the phone bill, but it at least allows her the opportunity to consider I already know about it, and I just want her to get it off her chest. Because, if she never comes clean of this, she will never be able to fix herself, and we will never be able to fix 'us'...

It could be that 'inner demon' that's causing her to be so frantic and angry. I know she places "all the blame" on me, and I'm not saying I'm not to blame for some of it, but it doesn't make an A "right". If she never comes clean on that, and even if she tries to save the M, we will forever be "dirty" in her eyes. (I've already thought long and hard about it, I'm already forgiving the action, but will not forgive the lies to cover it up if she so chooses that route).


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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