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If my W found me on Pinterest she'd divorce me out of spite for all the crap I've given her over how social media ruins lives. HAHA. jk.

I got an update after yet another "blowout" (if you asked her) tonight. I'm a bit confused on my '180'...

Just got home from concert. Will update in 15ish


M34 W28, T7, M2
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...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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Ok, so I was trying to get out of the house before W came home from work, but she caught me just as I was getting out of the shower and heading out. It was pleasant at first, we even laughed about a few things. Then, 'it happened'... as it probably always does with many of us on here.

I won't go through the entire thing, but a few key points that stuck with me and relate how I want to respond.

1. She started packing a bag and complaining about how she's getting tired of doing so, and again, that it isn't fair that I just get to stay here whenever I want, regardless of what she thinks of the situation.

2. W said she can only handle so much time around me before she needs to get away, and said 'there are good days, and bad days, where we have are huge arguments'. (we don't have "arguments" anymore, it just starts with her venting, me validating, and then her getting more and more angry, bringing up things of the past, and how she just can't be around me without thinking about 'us' and the situation we are in, and how she can't come to any other conclusion at this time other than it is all my fault we are here. She said if I'd give her more time apart (mentioned splitting nights at the house again), she's have a clearer head to analyze her problems as well, and get through this.

3. She said she does NOT want a divorce, and can not believe that for two people that love each other so much, we've come to this point. She said she's just so angry and confused and scared and doesn't know what to think about anything, and she just needs some time to let the air clear so we can figure out how to salvage and start piecing things back together.

4. She brought up my withdrawing of the direct deposit and said it still bothers her as we are 'better than that'. She told me she mentioned that to her attorney (friend) and he actually told her that if he was my attorney, he'd tell me to do the same thing. She said 'but I don't want us to have to be like that', and he replied 'then you're probably going to get screwed, because I guarantee his attorney is telling him to separate funds. I had the cash envelope that I put in the safe, and told her I'm putting it in the night stand, so it's no longer in 'my possession only', (I figured, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen, and if she wants to take that money, then that's when I start to change the tone a bit... it's still hidden in our house at the moment, as I don't know what I should do yet.)

5. She said my decision to stay home and not split nights/weeks with her was selfish, and I've always been selfish, and I always think "my way is the right way", regardless of her reasoning. She asked me: "Why do you think you always have the right answer, have you actually asked anyone else their opinion on this?", I responded that I've talked to several different counselors, and a few friends, male and female, that know of our situation, and everyone of them said I'm doing what's right for our relationship. This was the only time I 'explained' anything, as she asked me the direct questions several times.

6. She said "do those counselors know me? do those friends know me? do they know my needs, do they know my wants? I don't want a divorce, I just need xyz to gather myself. they don't know what's right for 'us' and our relationship, they don't know me like you know me.

7. She said the time shared in this house just makes things 'more awkward', like when I'm making breakfast, she's making dinner, I make coffee in the morning, etc... it just makes her think nonstop about 'i wish he was making me breakfast/coffee', I wish I could eat this dinner with him, etc'. and every little thing that is done around the house reminds her of how she WANTS us to be, but we just can't be that way right now because of the sitch.

8. She had a few "yell spells" and I did everything I could to just listen, validate, and tell her I see where she's coming from, but she kept going back to saying thins about her having time at home, in the master bedroom, and then pausing... like she was waiting for me to say 'okay, stop packing your bag, I'll stay at <somewhere else> tonight. but I never did. I just said I understood where she was coming from, and that I was sorry she felt trapped into having to leave every X days in order to escape me.

9. It escalated (she escalated), by saying she felt like she was just talking to a brick wall, and that I never actually "say anything", I just stand there and pretend like I'm listening to what she's saying, but I that I don't ever actually listen to her, and I never do sheet to help her with her feelings/needs. She starting screaming, walking away, down the stairs, and out into the garage, still screaming, and slammed the door behind her and left.

10. Shortly after, I received a text, "One of your problems (and therefore my own personal problem)... You always listening to everyone else and never me, your wife". I responded about 20 minutes later, "I see, I hadn't really thought of it as taking my "help" as a priority over you and your considerations, but I do see why you'd feel that way and make you feel like you're not important to me in my actions."

Now, I had some time to think, and my 180 is a bit conflicting with one another. On one hand, I've always been indecisive about things outside of "business matters" in our relationship. I've finally made a stand on the house/separation situation. However, and probably more of an issue, is that I've always had a tendancy to "turtle shell" when she's telling me her problems, worries, fears, thoughts, etc. I know "don't believe anything she says, but I kind of think a "180" in this position would be to let her know I am really listening, and that my 'decisions' I've made in the past month, haven't been made with my "wife" in mind, but the person who no longer wants me as her husband, aka soon to be ex wife, since she's stated multiple times now that she wants the D, and that she's not willing to work on "us" at this time.

Is it worth taking a slight dip here and showing her that I AM listening to her words, and that I am willing to "work with her" if that's what she's needs to get past this barrier? Is this what DDJ was referring to by saying 'if all it is to drop the rope is moving out a couple days a week, do it'. Or would something like this have a much more potential to completely backfire on me?

She said "<attorney friend> wants to meet with me tomorrow morning. I don't know why, and I don't really even want to meet with him because I don't think it should be necessary for us."

I had a text typed out, but didn't send "hey, I have been thinking about what you said earlier, and I'm not sure if you're off work or not, but if you're willing to listen to me for a minute I'd like to share my thoughts with you <over coffee or something>..." I feel like it would be beneficial for her to hear that my actions recently have been made towards a person who is divorcing me, leaving me for good, and never going to want to work on 'us'. But if she is willing to commit and say she DOES want to work on 'us', would this be the 180 to turn the corner? or the 180 that backfires?


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ie, my actions recently haven't been made against my 'wife', but the woman who was my wife and now no longer wants me in her life... in preparing me for life alone, with a wife, since she was adamant on not reconciling.


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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Originally Posted By: betterm
ie, my actions recently haven't been made against my 'wife', but the woman who was my wife and now no longer wants me in her life... in preparing me for life alone, with a wife, since she was adamant on not reconciling.

"without a wife", typo


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...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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i think sometimes you need to go with your gut feel. Dont let your wife spew at you, you cant validate it. Most people here say to cut it short and leave the room when they get shouty.

Depending on the situation ill sometimes take a stance. Ill tell her im here in the M, you are the one who is choosing out or whatever shes blaming me for. I'll acknowledge the wrong i did but i not the imaginary ones. Ofcourse ill try to frame it as nicely as possible but firm.

From what i read she does want to spend time with you. Maybe try to do so in small dosages. Every sich is different. Again go with your gut feel too you know. Is your ignoring her more of the same old behaviour? for example my issue was i was always working day and night so my complete 180 is im present at home now most days, i remind her i am good father and a good husband / partner while trying not to be pursuing.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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After i beat the EA and her wayward behaviour with a stick and reaffirmed i am her husband.

Im not a fan of the silent approach. Id rather puff out my chest and tell her straight i am her H and will not tolerate her pretending to be single, she wants to pretend to be single then show me the D.

If she affirms that she is your wife, then i dont see how easing up alittle will hurt unless shes is carrying on the WW behaviour.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Apr 2016
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I guess it all depends on your sich. What can you do to DB for yourself while still showing her the best you (that includes best father, partner, husband material, etc)


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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I'm already going out with my brother tonight (she doesn't know this),so I think I'm going to tell her what I said above, and tell her I won't be coming home tonight or tomorrow night, so if she wants the house is hers til saturday, and just see what the reaction is. Wouldn't be the end, either way.


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...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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Stop listening to her words. Look at her actions.

What are/were your goals? It sounds to me like you're a bit of a rudderless ship.

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Originally Posted By: darknes
Stop listening to her words. Look at her actions.

What are/were your goals? It sounds to me like you're a bit of a rudderless ship.


you're right. She's lost her damn mind and I've lost control.... Got caught up in two 180s and 180x2 just makes ya spin in circles...


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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