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Phoebe #2680447 05/24/16 10:22 PM
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Phoebe, it's odd - regardless what H does, we maintain some strange state of friendship. I think I'm grasping for some kind of reason I can understand for what happened. When things get irrational and I can't comprehend them, I get frightened and anxious so I keep trying to get out of that state by finding the thing that will explain it to me.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Painter #2680558 05/25/16 10:06 AM
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Had another long chat with WH today. It was just pleasant small talk for the most part. Some info about his life now with OW. He doesn't ask about my life, except when I told him it feels a little micromanaged at work and I may look for something else, then he took an interest and sympathized.

I told him about my thoughts about how in our early relationship, and through several years, I didn't realize that he felt that he wasn't good enough. My attempts to 'fix' or 'improve' was experienced by him as criticism and judgement. I said I was very sorry about that, that I wasn't sensitive to his feelings at that time. He was very amazed and I could tell he felt validated. He said it was exactly what he felt.

The problem was that I didn't realize that he saw everything he owned as an extension of himself. If I wanted to fix something in the house, he saw it as if he wasn't good enough. He puts very high value on everything he owns, even if his friend who is a professional contractor tells him to discard a tool that is simply broken beyond repair, WH will hold on to it and insist it is fine.

I see how I contributed to his resentment building over the years by not realizing how much he identified with his belongings.

This wasn't a part of explaining away his choice to have an A or in any way mitigate or excuse it. But it was good for me to talk about it and acknowledge it. It has bothered me and it came up in C yesterday. The C said that regardless which flaws or problems we had, the difference was that I was willing to do the work, get help, while he was not willing or able to look at things and work through them. That's right, but it doesn't mean I shouldn't look at myself and try to work on tendencies I have that are not positive in a relationship.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Painter #2680644 05/25/16 04:03 PM
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H called me on the way home from work. He was actually annoyed that someone else had called him when he left and kept him on the phone, so he didn't have more time to talk with me! We continued a little where we left off earlier and talked a little about the early years. I told him that he was always good enough, that neither of us were of course perfect, but that I never, ever considered him not good enough. It actually sounded like a burden lifted off of him. He said he appreciated hearing it and thanked me. And he apologized for something I said I had felt some resentment for.

A little later I asked him if he would do me a favor - tell SD that it was wrong of him to ask her to keep his secrets. He really didn't like that. He said that he told her when she was there that she should keep in contact with me. (How can she do that while keeping his secrets.) He also tried to say it was now all out so what's the point. I said I thought it was important that he specified it. And that nobody would think lesser of him for trying to make some amends, on the contrary. He said he would do it.

I didn't say it to him, but I'm sure there will be future secrets (a wedding?) and him saying it outright to her will make a difference.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Painter #2680676 05/25/16 07:28 PM
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Well, you are a better woman than I am, Painter. I'm not sure I could have handled those conversations

Just today I was talking about how not hearing a word from H in weeks has been a good thing for me. I know that whenever there is contact again that it will be extremely difficult, so I am just taking every day without contact and trying to get myself into a better, more resilient place.

You, my dear, are knee deep in it and you are hanging in there. Amazing.

I hope that today has brought some relief from the tears and pain, and that you get some good quality sleep tonight.

(((Painter)))


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Phoebe #2680679 05/25/16 07:50 PM
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My counselor keeps mentioning that I am very emotionally strong.

I have cried a lot less the last two days. Still using meds to get through the day, but I can tell I need it more because I get *really* sleepy and woozy! May switch to Tylenol soon.

We all have to handle this the way that works for us. If NC is your saving grace, stick to it.

It helps me to talk to H, partly because he says things that remind me why I wasn't happy with him. It also helps affirm for me that he is not necessary for my survival, because I am stronger and more clear-headed than him, and make better choices.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Painter #2680681 05/25/16 07:51 PM
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That should be 'need it less' about the meds...


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Painter #2680689 05/25/16 08:41 PM
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It's interesting that talking to him reinforces the idea that he is not good for you. I can see then why it would be a good thing in that case.

I'm afraid that I would come to the opposite conclusion if I were to talk to my H because that has been my life-long habit, to cling and to go back for any offering of crumbs.

Definitely back off on the meds if they're hitting you that hard. Yikes! Still, I'm glad that you took them when you needed them.

Sleep well, Painter.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Phoebe #2680697 05/25/16 09:10 PM
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Oh, I was definitely clinging for crumbs and still am - but the more we talk, the more I encounter those times where I feel really removed from him. Like when I asked him if he at all had considered simply not doing the things that would hurt me so, instead of doing them and then lying. "No."

Or when I am deeply honest and sincere, and tell him how much I regret not understanding how he perceived my approach when we first married, and that I understand I made him feel not good enough - and he throws it in my face a few minutes later, when I asked him to say to SD that she shouldn't have to keep his secrets - 'You're not listening, just like you didn't listen then.' I said I thought it was a blow below the belt and I think he agreed because he calmed down. But the angry lashing out is something he just does.

I'm falling asleep right here - got to go to bed.

Sleep well and take your pill before it is too late! wink


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Painter #2680755 05/26/16 05:24 AM
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Woke with a start before 7, another dream about H but can't remember exactly what. At least I slept through the night. Thunder and rain outside. Good day to work from home and cuddle with the pets.

Yesterday, I went with my son and set up my reflexology room at the massage therapy place where I will rent a couple of days a week. Chatted for a while with a really nice acupuncturist who works there. Look so much forward to starting with my first clients! Helping sick people is a great way of taking my mind off my own misery.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Painter #2680761 05/26/16 05:42 AM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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Be well today my dear painter.
Service to others is great medicine for healing our souls.

(((painter)))


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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