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#2680546 05/25/16 09:38 AM
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My WAW (32) and I (36) have been together for 11 years, married for 3 and have a 1 and 2 year old. She moved out when son was 5 months old. Kids stay with me Sunday to Thursday night.

We have always been best friends. There was some depression and medical issues following our sons birth. I am no angel to be sure. Never infidelity on either of our parts. We got into a nasty fight about 7 months ago which was the catalyst for her saying its all too much I have to leave. I love you but not in love with you kind of thing. There was some downing on our relationship and some reference to needing to fill her cup which she is unable to do now that we have kids.

The last 6 months I did pretty much everything wrong. I took care of kids during the week and then spent all weekend with the family. Lots of pursuing, texts and sending pictures of kids everyday. Gifts. Planning cool adventures for the weekends. Throughout this time whenever a period of stress would arise like a holiday or family member visiting WAW would sadly explain to me how she is broken and never coming back in one way or another.

I did do a few things right which were self improvements. I realigned everything to move forward for myself and my family and have not stopped. This part has been really great TBH.

One day about a month ago I just hit a wall and told WAW about how much I loved her but I cant fix her or make her stay so I have to let her go. So basically an uneducated 180. Since then it has been minimal contact. I have gymnastics with our daughter on Saturday mornings which we all go to. WAW is nice throughout. She really wants to be best pals and has a Utopian vision of co parenting and blissful post divorce life where everyone is very happy. One note here we are not divorced. I have left it to her to set up mediation which has not yet been initated.

My main issue (though I am sure there are plenty I can't see!). The 180 or the letting go. I have an on and off switch. Either for the marriage or just absolutely nothing to do with it. I am not sure how to leave a bridge down, be friendly but be clear that what she is doing is hurtful to Me and to our family.

Recent interaction: Sons 1 year pictures. WAW asks me what I want to do theme wise and what things I have planned. My response: I am planning and very excited but honestly you are divorcing me and it just feels too crappy to plan anything alongside you. So I want to pass and do my own thing.

I am reading and trying to self help guide myself the best as I can but any advice here would be much appreciated. I have also signed up for coaching.

StartGo #2680563 05/25/16 10:16 AM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2680569 05/25/16 10:34 AM
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StartGo,

You are on a good path. Sounds like you have done a lot of DB without even knowing it.

Is there any more detail you can give about WAW.

Does she work? Does she still live at home?


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Cadet #2680572 05/25/16 10:40 AM
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Startgo, I'm sorry to see you find yourself here, but it's a good place to come in your sitch. It sounds like your doing a lot of good things with GAL and spending quality time with kids...

There will be vets that come by and can give advice that you'll do well to take head to, but what I will suggest is you read the homework cadet gave you in his post above, and especially read the validation, boundaries and lighthouse threads.

The response to her request about the birthday party would have been better if you'd said something like "I understand your excited for S birthday, and you should plan something to do with him"... No buts.... If she asks about you, just respond with I have made plans on (whatever day) to celebrate his birthday with him

She stepped away from the family, no reason she should get to participate with the family (not saying keep kids away, just don't do it as a family unit).


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
J5K #2680581 05/25/16 11:06 AM
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WAW moved out of the house 7 months ago into an apartment. She works. When we communicated more, she frequently complained about depression shortly after the move.

From what she shared with me from the initial move she started working on projects and it was great having time and her own space. This later transitioned into more medical problems, severe depression and a great appreciation for me walking beside her through this (fun events on weekends, finding doctors etc) with all of the projects and fun personal time devolving into netflix marathons and shopping. This never translated to any want to restore our relationship as a proper husband and wife however.

The day I hit a wall and told her I had to let her go. She had forgot a pair of our daughters shoes at drop off. I had a pair and really didn't need them but I picked up the kids from daycare and drove over to her work to pick up the shoes and take a little walk. The idea to brighten her day and get to see the kids. After the walk it was bye to the kids and then just turn her back to me.

That is typical of the last 6 months really. Back handed compliments and a pendulum of thank you, I appreciate you, even I love you at times - to everything that was ever good in our relationship was a lie and I don't want to be married anymore.

The last communication we had about our relationship: WAW my life is falling apart, the house feels foreign to me now and I cant enjoy anything in it (It has had a good bit of improvements done) and I don't believe in God anymore and that is a fundamental difference. Me: all I can tell you is I love you and you are my best friend. That was a few weeks before the let go day.

A random thing: We have 2 dogs and she has a cat when we first met. They were all left behind as well.

StartGo #2680582 05/25/16 11:07 AM
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Coconut #2680583 05/25/16 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted By: Coconut
Startgo, I'm sorry to see you find yourself here, but it's a good place to come in your sitch. It sounds like your doing a lot of good things with GAL and spending quality time with kids...

There will be vets that come by and can give advice that you'll do well to take head to, but what I will suggest is you read the homework cadet gave you in his post above, and especially read the validation, boundaries and lighthouse threads.

The response to her request about the birthday party would have been better if you'd said something like "I understand your excited for S birthday, and you should plan something to do with him"... No buts.... If she asks about you, just respond with I have made plans on (whatever day) to celebrate his birthday with him

She stepped away from the family, no reason she should get to participate with the family (not saying keep kids away, just don't do it as a family unit).


I appreciate the advise thank you. This was actually in regards to 1 year photos. When she approached me about the birthday my response was "I just figured you would do your own thing. I have plans the following day".

I have a difficult time with the lighthouse bit. Other than just complete detachment and GAL I do not know how to project that there is an amazing place here when you find your way out of the fog. Typing that I guess that is something she knows and detaching and GAL just move me along and make the light brighter anytime she peeks in...

StartGo #2680588 05/25/16 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted By: StartGo
I have a difficult time with the lighthouse bit. Other than just complete detachment and GAL I do not know how to project that there is an amazing place here when you find your way out of the fog.
Typing that I guess that is something she knows and detaching and GAL just move me along and make the light brighter anytime she peeks in...


How about just being a GREAT DAD!


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2680589 05/25/16 11:25 AM
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Absolutely Cadet. Being the best dad I can be has been my number 1 priority and probably my most fun priority!

StartGo #2680592 05/25/16 11:35 AM
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Being a good parent is a very attractive quality.
And I would say it qualifies as a Lighthouse activity.


Me-70, D37,S36
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