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M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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Originally Posted By: betterm
last thread...
Up to the antics again. Last night we both had stuff going on and got home around 11:15PM or so, it was a quiet encounter, she kept boasting about her “new friend Jan” and how awesome of a time they had. Not sure why she felt she needed to all the sudden start sharing her life with me, but okay… great. I noticed she didn’t have the ring on still, didn’t say anything about it.

This morning I noticed again and asked if she was no longer wearing her ring, and she said, ‘not right now, I took it off when you went all crazy and yelled at me on the phone.’… this might be how she remembers it, or she might just be trying to antagonize, but there was no yelling. She was referring to the conversation on Friday when she found out I withdrew all my direct deposit money into cash. She escalated and I told her “I just took it out so I could have one month’s bills, in cash, in case you decide to retain an attorney… have to have money to pay the bills, that’s all I’m doing.” She went on to say how “sneaky” it is, and she thinks I’m up to something like I’m going to leave the M and this is only pushing her ‘further away’ from her. That’s when I told her I’m not leaving, and she’s the one making the decision to leave, I’m just protecting myself for when she does….”

Somehow, my calm, direct, approach to this conversation has her this morning, fuming about how I “went crazy” and “disrespected her by yelling and calling names” over the phone call on Friday… I hope this is her just ‘up to antics’ and trying to start something. Because this has, yet, been ANOTHER problem of our past. Her ‘way to remember’ things are so far from the truth, it’s like her memory exists in some other realm of fictional existence… there’s probably some kind of psycho-analysis for this kind of behavior – remembering things falsely to fit your current need/situation….

Anyways, I’m not going to let it tear me up, she’s “not wearing the ring, now, but she’s going to wear it this weekend,” she told me. (We’ll be spending the weekend apart again, as she’ll be going out of town with family & friends (annual trip), and I’m not invited this year. So, I’ve planned a trip of my own… haven’t told her this, and I’ve already arranged for care of the animals. Actually, I’m excited that for the first time in 5 years (the first two years were fun), I’m doing something different on this (hopefully) beautiful Memorial Day weekend!


I see a second-opinion attorney this morning, who may very well become my first-opinion attorney, She's expensive, and recommended by our family business attorney as the real deal for divorces. haha. we'll see how it goes, and I'll post update later.


M34 W28, T7, M2
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...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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betterm,

With regards to the yelling; my WW would dream-up all sorts of things that never happened. For a while I thought may I was the one who was crazy. It took me a little longer than it should have for me to figure it all out, but I finally I wasn't suffering from dementia.

I hope you have a great time on your trip. I've found that distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder.

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I should proof read before submitting. Here's the rewrite...

For a while I thought maybe I was the one who was crazy. It took me a little longer than it should have for me to figure it all out, but I finally realized I wasn't suffering from dementia.

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Good on you betterm, don't let her into your head. Let her deal with her dementia.


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I met with second attorney and she said that in our state it actually is possible for her to file for D and as part of that file she can 'request' to remove me from the home until it's all finalized. She did say though that it would require quite a bit of circumstance: abuse, chronic infidelity, her feeling 'unsafe', etc. All which becomes his word vs her word, and it's up to the judge to determine if they really think said person is in danger, etc. She said its very unlikely this would happen, but in a worst case scenario, it's not entirely impossible. I have a safe place to stay if it happens, but so does she, so it's likely that if she tries it the judge will just ask her why she can't move out instead...

The attorney I saw today showed me worst case / best case, which is a little bit more 'straight-up' than the previous attorney. She also sits on the bench two days a week, as a judge, in a neighboring county, so she understand how things can go from both points of view.

I've put lots of thought into my situation, and after today's talk, I'm highly considering 'making a move' for her to make a decision. There is a "marriage helper" 3-day workshop being held the weekend of (what would be our) 2 year anniversary. There hasn't been much R/MR talk lately, and whenever she just 'talks' it still seems she's bouncing back and forth on whether we will 'continue marriage' or 'file for D'. My problem with that is, she's not willing to work on herself, and now I'm the one that's rethinking the idea of spending my life with someone who can't look at herself in the mirror and realize (and repair), her issues in this marriage, along with mine (which I'm already working on).

I know the theory is "no R talk", and I realize there hasn't been a lot of 'time' during the announcement of separation/divorce and now. But I'm really thinking about bringing some things up and see how she handles it. I can approach softly, and say, 'look, if you want the D, and you're sure of it, I will give you the D, but if you're on the fence or not sure, there is this marriage workshop we can attend to see if we think it would even be right for us to try to reconcile. And just see how she perceives it. Not go into details about 'us' or our R past, or any of that, but just put it on the table and ask her to think about it, and see what kind of response I get.

If she really comes back and firmly says she thinks we should D, then I'll do it. I'm ready to either repair things (but only with her willing to do the work with me), or bring this to an end, and start the next chapter of my life.


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betterm,

These are just my opinions, so certainly don't act on my input without getting advice from others...

Even if your wife agrees to the marriage workshop, in her current state of mind, it's not going to help anything and will likely increase her anger and angst. I suspect it'll be a waste of time and money.

If you are really open to reconciling with your wife, then I'd recommend GAL. Do something that really interests and excites you and gets your mind off of the marriage.

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It sounds like in the end you would like to save your marriage like most of us.
So that being said. Slow down!!!! There is no reason to push for workshops, no reason to pressure you or her, no reason to have any R talks.
Work on you and control what you can. You can control where you stay, you can control your actions, you can control your GAL mentality.
Focus on those things and stop trying to speed up the process. There isn't a magic pill for this.
You didn't get into this situation overnight and you are not going to get out of it overnight


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
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You guys suck! =)


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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lol betterm, you can try some R talk which will get you nowhere - perhaps you just want to get it off your chest, then why not.

But as for the D, leave it in her "court". Just try and stay two steps ahead of the curve, which you clearly are.

She will only be willing to do the work if she realises what she's lost. Right now i can't see her thinking that she's lost anything. Sorry if i suck too.


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