Hey doodler, still a little anxiety whenever I think of her and the past. But i fully comprehend where its coming from and why.
I removed her from my life insurance beneficiary today... being worth alot of money when dead and having a broke wife who doesn't care about you is looking for trouble. Was emotional because i was thinking about how she must be feeling, that she could be losing everything for a (very long) moment of madness. But then i sit and think, what is best for me.
I'm going to put the house on my name soon and that is going to be another nail in the M, and R coffin. But i need this doodler, I need this more than I needed anything in my life. I need to lose my co-dependency for my WW so that I can live the life that I dreamt about and hopefully one day I will find that fool that won't leave me. It might be her, I won't cross my fingers - those are pointing forwards.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Well yesterday was the best day i've had in terms of DB'ing for myself, not to save my M. I think that thats where we go wrong, we're told to save ourselves whilst trying to save our M, thats way too confusing. I think we should save ourselves first, then consider if we still want to be married, and if THEY are even interested - then work on a R, then M.
I hit 17 out of 19 objectives, including not being on the forum for more than 2 hours in total for the day. WW and I exchanged about 8 emails, 6 TMs and she called me once. We spoke face to face for about 5 minutes in total the entire day.
This morning I was planning on avoiding her totally, not even a goodbye, but our S awoke and she came out of her room. Still never said goodbye. I must be alone, I must feel like she's not there. The day is coming and I need to be prepared. I have still not had anxiety for the day but cried a tiny bit in the car for a song entitled "runaway love".
She hasn't run to OM2 yet, but that could happen tonight so I need to prepare myself mentally for it. As I lay awake last night, I was thinking about God; I always thought that He was existential, I would never find him, I didn't want to. Then about 3 weeks after BD I prayed sooo hard for my M, i closed my eyes and I could see an outline of a person, with a halo type thing around his/her head. I knew that I had seen Him.
If we are to give ourselves and our destiny to this Higher Power then so be it. I cannot control the things that happen to me, but I can control my actions.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Now this is interesting - don't leave me hanging doodler...
WW comes home, as she pulls in, she pulls the car out again. Comes back, opens the door and says "Hello roomy", with food for herself, which she must cook. She does not even look at me, as the entrance has a wall between the dining room where i'm sitting. She's going to cook for our S tonight so i don't need to worry.
I don't like the roomy phrase, but i'll take it until she moves out. I think she may just stop temp checking, but lets see. I'm feeling good.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
A friend just asked me if me if i took my WW out of this "new" life when I met her 10 and a half years ago. I actually did.
She would get drunk when she wanted to, go out with whom she wanted to, sleep around when she wanted to, and most importantly flirt with every single guy she could.
I got her broken, tried to fix her, but she stayed broken. Good extrospection.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Wow DDJ! That is really tough to overcome. If she isn't willing to look inward and handle her own issues then there is not much you can do. It seems like this has been going on for a long time I'm assuming. Hang in there, sounds like you are doing well But I must admit it also sounds like you are trying to push your W out of your head and tell yourself you have every reason to leave her As my life coach told me. That can be easier sometimes to move on, but could I be truthful with myself 1 year, 5 years, or even 20 years from now and tell myself that I truly tried 100% to save my marriage. I can't control my W's actions, but I certainly can control mine
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
It's an insane aspect to understand no doubt. Ideally she needed someone that could stop her from continuing her inwardly wayward ways before they exploded outwards. Not a chance that I could have been that guy back then, was not strong enough. Getting stronger everyday.
Thats the other thing tho cbtdad, i'm not trying to push my WW away. Im trying to focus on myself. Nothing at all to save my M, or even a R. Nothing at all. What must be will be. I'm pushing her out of the house so that I can be alone for the first time in my life. But I'm not pushing her out of my life or head.
I need to find myself as much as she does. Get my life in order, rebuild and then see what happens. By giving up on her, i'm not giving up on my M, i'm saying that I have no control, i'm giving her the space to find herself. And for me to find myself too.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Am so failing at my goals today, initiating convo, snooped on her phone, not even in, just the notification on top as her phone has a pin lock, but notifications still comes up... in the one from her female BFF, it said "just because you're f-cking doesn't mean..." Context is lost, but the mind gets lost in the context. LOL.
Before i even give darknes and dream an opportunity. NOTHING.HAS.CHANGED.
And i really don't feel anxious at all. Nothing has changed on my side either, she could fly to the moon and back for me and I still wont change my long term goal - DETACH.
My entire wknd was planned yesterday already, in which i will probably see her for about 3 hours from Fri to sunday evening. Actually going to try and time the time that we're in the same space together. Will be a nice exercise.
Today was also the first time ever that we had absolutely no contact from 6-30am until 5pm. She said that she wanted to see if I cared... About myself yes, and my son.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
still failing today - runaway bride again. Told her that I still plan to put the house on my name next month and want a 1 year separation.
Probably too soon, so dream and darknes pls come visit me. I don't think that there was ever a right time to tell her this tho. I seriously want the 1 year apart, as I've said, its not for her - it's for me. Thinking about how she feels about this is giving me second thoughts, which means that my first thought is the most correct one.
Not that emotional, which is also probably not a good thing either. Anyhows, the interview is tomorrow so i'm gonna try and get a good nights rest.
Pls pray for me, and for God to bless me with the job.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
