Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,167
Likes: 3
You can see it online for free, it's a 20 min TED talk; she is fantastic. Just do a web search.

C, I think you are on the right track. In our gut we just know--you can ask a million questions, and try and make sense of things, and turn to others, but sometimes it's as simple as asking "what does my gut tell me?" When my H came back, I just knew. When you read posts here--including your own older posts--the more we question every little action, word, text, motive, interaction, etc, because we desperately don't want to accept what is happening. But in our gut we knew they were gone. I think the same is said for when they come back.

I am happy for both of you. She came back before things went on too long and so much more could have happened. Just look around you and read our stories--some of us lost our spouse to an A for a year or more. We never thought they would come back and we never thought we would even take them back for those like my H that did. We cannot predict the future.

I admire her for what she is doing; this is hard for her too. She now has to do the hard work of looking at herself, healing, and dealing with the shame and ultimately regret. She is also sacred you will not trust her ever again. I hope this sticks. Try not to make it harder for her. This takes a long time. Continue to put yourself first, take all the time you need to heal, and try not to react or make any decisions based on emotions.

Best of luck to you both! You will get through this.
-Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
C
Coconut Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
Thank you Blue, I feel like she is there with me now, there isn't a relationship, but at least I feel like it's just us. Now we have to remember how to be friends, but like u said, I need to find me first.

I never thought I'd ever say this, but the meditation class I went to was AWESOME... Talk about being in the present, everything just went away and so much stress released, I can't wait to try it in a park... Your so focused on the present that the past and future disappears, and the present is amplified. I only heard the clock ticking, cars off in the distance, people around me breathing, I really think it would be beautiful in nature.

I would highly recommend it to everyone on this board, you can sit in a chair or on the floor, whatever your comfortable with, and everywhere they do it is free, no tips or charges, just the experience. Just look up Sahajameditation.com to find a location near you, it's one hour stress free, and I walked away feeling so much better.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
C
Coconut Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
Sandi, if your around I have a question, if your not around I hope everything is ok. I read most of your sitch, everything I could find anyway, and I think my W see's me as u did your H... Like a brother, or good friend.. I didn't find anything regarding your first time being able to feel romantic with him, and I'm wondering what happened to be able for you to stop seeing him as a brother to as a lover?

My wife isn't quite as far away as you were. I occasionally get hugs and pop kisses hello and goodbye, and even a cuddle once, but she doesn't have any sexual feelings towards me... I'm ok with waiting, and I'm working on making myself more attractive, mysterious, etc... But I know in your case it was all you, so what were you able to do to make yourself attracted to him again?


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
Coconut I know every situation is different
But the first time around when I had WW that was the last thing to come back
I'll never forget the first night we went out together after we decided we were gonna really work on things. I thought to myself, we're gonna hookup and I was nervous. Well it didn't happen and there was even a decent amount of alcohol involved. That's when I realized it was gonna be a while. In the end I believe it was about 3 months before we were sexually active after that point. And the first several times were so awkward and weird. But eventually we settled back in to that arena. It definitely took time though
I think y'all are heading in the right direction, but this is something that will take time. Continue to work on yourself! Make the changes stick. Otherwise at some point you may be here again just like me


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 13
S
New Member
Offline
New Member
S
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 13
I have two issues I need some quick answers on.

My full story is here here. The first two posts explain my situation.

My W and I are verbally separated. Her belongings are still in the house and she comes over daily (mornings after I've left to dress and evenings to see kids and do things in her office), but she leaves evenings to sleep at her brothers. Tomorrow she is taking S16 for his drivers test. I indicated Sunday, I will add him to insurance and remove her to keep the cost down. She had a few days earlier decided to remove me from her cell phone coverage (has not done so yet). She complained that she should be left on the policy as I am getting (to live in) the house (she would expect $ when it was sold but we just bought it 5 mos. ago so that's years away). Do I keep to my word and drop her but give a friendly reminder so she has time to get insurance? Wait 'til she drop me from phone coverage?

Next week, my nephew graduates from HS, and relatives are flying in to stay at W's brothers home thus displacing the bed shes been in the last 5 weeks. Since separated three times shes fanagled a way fro me to take the couch while she took our bed. (which I am paying $100 a month for). Earlier this week. I removed her pillow from it and she 'countered' by removing pictures from the walls and her bathroom items from the master. I am fully prepared to say I am sleeping in the bed. What else is a good thing to say?


M49 W48
Married 25 years
S14 & S16 in house. S21 & S23 together in apt.

BD#1 11/09 EA & PA, Separated 2/10, Reconciled 9/10
BD#2 4/16 EA & PA, Separated 4/16
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
C
Coconut Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
Damn, the ups and downs are real... Told W today that I don't want to continue sharing MBR... I didn't tell her this part, I need to detach and sharing MBR I always find myself clinging to the hope she'll slide over and snuggle with me, or go to bed when I go, and she usually doesn't, I gotta drop expectations..

For the most part everything is going ok, but I need to relax, be patient and emotionally disconnect from her. It's gonna be a long road, but I'm trying to focus on me.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
Happy that you're back Coconut. Yes, you now exactly what to do - so do it! Close your eyes, kick her out. You may feel alot better, but keep it her idea. It could just be projection.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Quote:
I haven't posted in a bit, and tbh not sure I want to... I'm backing off my NC boundary consequence, maybe a bad idea but I'm comfortable that she is not communicating with OM, other than visually seeing him occasionally at the station.


Quote:
I know, just back burner it for awhile till things calm down, go further underground, etc... I see it all coming, but I gotta tell you, I believe her 100%. For the last week or so she's been herself, she's always home unless at academy and we work together, I can't say enough that I don't believe they are communicating.


I gathered from what you were saying that you were kind of telling us to back off, b/c this is what you wanted....and decided, regardless of any advice you may receive.

Quote:
Now, I do believe that something had to fill the void that was left open, but I believe the academy is doing that for her, we are closer than we've been since ILYBnilwy speech, we have a long way to go but I believe she is committed to working on our R.

Sandi, I have now read most of your sitch, and I kinda feel like you used this site to fill the void OM left in you, I feel like she's doing that with the academy, and I really believe it.


I have often said that the BB was my therapy. My H would not agree to attend MC, so I got it from the board. I guess you could say that in the beginning it filled a void.

Quote:
After our talk this morning about search history, she discussed the A, how it happened (he started pursuing, she didn't stop him), the kissing (3 times after class, total 10-15 min talking/kissing each time), the interaction with OM since. Answered a few Q from me.. I told her that I was moving past it, and that was the last time I would bring it up, that for the first time I felt like she's been really open and honest, and I'm done letting it consume me.

I then laid down in bed next to her, and she cuddled with me (first time), and I mean she kept shifting herself to get in tighter, and I was finally able to fall asleep at 630am.

My world may come crashing down because of this, but I feel it's safe to move forward to start repairing, I will continue GAL, and working on detaching.


Quote:
Damn, the ups and downs are real... Told W today that I don't want to continue sharing MBR...


Your timing could not be any worse than making this move at this time! Big mistake, Coconut. Look, she opened up and talked about the OM and apologized to you. You were gung ho about believing her and it didn't matter what anyone thought. You even said you were dropping the NC boundary. And now......when she is at her most vulnerable and needing her H's support while she goes through withdrawals, you have told her to leave the MBR?

Here is a situation I have seen played over and over again. The LBH is anxious to have sex with his W, b/c to him, it seals the deal...so to speak. It's his security blanket. He needs to have sex, for him to move forward in the MR. He has to have the physical connection before he can feel better emotional. The longer there is no sex, the more focused he becomes on that issue.

Women need to feel better about the emotional side of the relationship, first. She needs to feel the emotional intimacy in order to desire the physical intimacy. Seeing how polar opposite men and women are wired.....it's a wonder any babies were ever conceived.

You asked me about my situation and what I did to feel attracted to my H again. I think you were wanting to know how long before we were intimate again. I was going to give you an answer about it, but I think you would just compare your W and your situation to mine.

We were in a SSM for years, so having an A and me not having any desire for him did not help. And, now that I have read your latest post, I'll just tell you that it took much longer than you want to even think about right now. It was strained, felt fake, had disappointments, etc. And guess what else? His health took a big nosedive, and has not improved very much, sorry to say. So, yeah......it ain't easy. You would think it should be, but here's the thing. If a couple remains together, they are going to face emotional and/or physical issues. It's just a matter of time. The MR does not get easier when you grow old together. There will always be problems and challenges facing the couple. My H and I do not have the problems we once had. Great, huh? No, we just have new problems. smile

I had to will myself to respect my H. In other words, I may not have had to feeling of respect, but through my own free will, I chose to show him respect. The feelings will follow the action, if you really want to get there. I stopped reading romance novels. Now that may sound funny to some people, but it was a trigger for my imagination. And since I was struggling to not fantasize about OM, I could not feed my big old imagination with that type of reading material.

Anything that I knew deep down in my soul was a hindrance to my attitude toward my H.....I had to change it. I had to let go of my resentment. I decided that if he could forgive me for cheating on him, then I could forgive him for all those things I resented. That was a tough one!

I had to purposely talk and act more positive, b/c I knew how negativity from me affected him.

This took a long time, b/c I was so depressed and dealing with my own physical issues. Not making excuses, just telling you that it took about two years before I even felt ready to start working on the MR. It was tiny, baby steps.....but I might as well have been climbing a mountain.

Both of you will have your set of challenges, plus those you face as a couple. If you ask her to leave the MBR at this time, I think you will damage the MR even more than it already is. She will feel that the minute she opened up and apologized, you rejected her. When you decide you want her back into your bed, she won't be ready. I'm not saying she will, but a lot of women would go straight back to the OM, if their H told them to leave the MBR while she's doing everything he has asked of her. If she wasn't doing what you asked....then yes, that would be the time to tell her to leave the MBR.

I'm not saying what's fair and what's not. I am just sharing how a woman will feel in this type of situation. Once the bed splits, it is harder getting back to that intimate setting.

Your biggest problem at the moment seems to be your timing. And, the fact you swing from one polar to the next. You need to find balance.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,198
Coconut,
Sandi couldn't be more right. I hope you read my response to you about my situation the first time around. I was just like you.
I wanted to "seal the deal" as fast as possible
It was so hard to have that patience and realize that it was going to take some time.
It was so awkward the first few times. I promise it will get better though. But you cant force it or the timing
To me your W definitely opened up and was ready to start "fixing" the damage, but that is going to take time
Something I use to always write during my first stint here patience patience patience!!!


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
D
DDJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,056
Sandi, but how does Coconut know that it's not temp-checking? This is all so confusing. He's trying to protect his broken heart and is just doing what comes naturally, pushing the hurt away - his W.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard