Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 97
B
Bee29 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 97
The session went quite well today. I was so stressed going there. Heavy body, didn't feel like getting off my car. But afterwards managed to stabilise & stay cool. While waiting we exchanged a few info about his work. I confirmed that I'm going away next week (he's coming to stay with the kids in our house while I'm gone).
During the session, recalling some events was difficult. But I mentioned both positive & happy feelings & some negative. Since I went first for each event to be discussed, my husband started his with attack. "Funny how my wife recalls just the negative things, so typical of her" or "as usual, my wife..." Etc. When the therapist asked him to concentrate on talking about his feelings he said his story was different. Started to defend himself, explained context, how his parents gave him bad advice because as usual they took it from the side what's best for them & not for him etc... Anyway, everybody is bad, his actions always justified.

It's funny but he does what he reproaches to me: that I talk too much, like to listen to myself, defending myself, justifying...

Anyway, now I prepared an e-mail to therapist (plan to copy h) to say nicely that these sessions are difficult for me. That I need to talk about some painful stuff that I forgot about long time ago & now recalling. That talking about my feelings about certain events in our life I have to say things how they were for me including negative things. That I can either be right or happy & that I finally came to realise that. So unless my husband wants me to finish the remaining sessions I prefer to stop now.

I will sleep on it before I send it but I really don't see the point of continuing this. H made it clear that he just wants the 4 sessions proposed by the therapist & that's it. For him no reconciliation possible. Nothing to work on. He cannot be with someone like me who takes control of every discussion etc., analyses everything, comes to her own conclusion of what's best & executes. So why should I go two more times through this when all it does it opens old wounds & brings more pain.

I'm aware that h will use the e-mail as another attempt to exercise control over events but I'll rather take that & ignore it than sit through two more session listening to his attacks & re-writing history.

Thank you TabD, I will go & try the new one & hope for the best. I read your story, sorry you have to go through all that! I will post on your thread too.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bee,
I'm going out on a limb here, but I don't think I would cc my h on your email to the therapist right now. If you wish to raise the issue in a session, that would be one thing, but your therapist needs to know that you are finding the sessions difficult for you. Point out what is going on and then ask the therapist how does he/she want you to proceed, i.e., email your h or bring it up in a session.

Your therapist may suggest that you come in separately since you only have two sessions left. I can't see the two of you in the last two sessions together w/him acting the way he is.

Just my two cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 97
B
Bee29 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 97
Thank you Job. I must admit that I didn't follow your advice this time as I couldn't picture another session with that therapist and it ended up to be a first thing I agreed on with my h after a long time 😊. The therapist apologised to us for the last session and wants us back to discuss but we agreed we try someone else. I'm quite happy as I was worried that my h will just want to stop. But he said he's afraid we cannot relate to each other w/o third person for the moment. Whatever that means... He also said "what worries me is your inability to deal with me without either ignoring me completely or attacking me violently".
Which is absolutely not the case, we spent long weekend as a family 3 weeks ago and that went well (though he did keep his distance half of the time). The day after HE attacked me because he didn't understand why "suddenly" I'm so nice. He is very angry since I am in a good mood & visibly happy.
I'm not sure why such change in his behaviour.
In any case, I will not reply to that part of his e-mail. I don't have the need to justify myself anymore.

He will come home this weekend to be with the kids for 5 days while I'm going away. How I wish he would realise that it's HOME for him too. But for that he would have to get out of the state in which he is. & I don't see that coming any time soon... Well, one can always hope (but don't worry: 0 expectations😊).

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bee,

The advice that we provide is just that advice and you need to take from the advice what you can use and the rest...toss out. It sounds like the therapist realized that things weren't going well in the last session and I'm glad he apologized. Your h sounds like he's projecting his thoughts/feelings on to you. I would take what he says w/a grain of salt because they do a whole lot of projecting during the crisis. No, don't reply to that portion of the email. You absolutely do not need to justify yourself anymore.

Travel safely and try to enjoy your time away. Hopefully he will enjoy his time at home w/the children.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 97
B
Bee29 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 97
Unbelievable! I e-mailed the therapist that we wish to stop the sessions & he replied to us: "feel free to work on your own unhapiness as it is far more secure and comfortable than an unstable happiness. Once you'll want to stop repeating the same scripts I'll be glad to help."
I'm really happy we stopped with this one!

After almost a month being fine, today I'm quite down, wishing my husband was living at home. He e-mailed me today to tell me he'll be promoted. That he just learnt about it. Plus he mentioned some other change at work. While I'm very happy he wanted to share it with me, & as it seems, as soon as he learnt about it, it also made me very sad that he won't be home tonight so we can talk more about it just like in good old times. I congratulated him & told him I was very happy for him. He never replied. Most likely celebrating with someone else.

It's so difficult to interact with him! I admire all of you that you can do this for years & are still so strong! Ok, technically my h's crisis last several years already but at least he was home & we had more-less normal life until it got to where we are now. It's hard as I'm a planner & sure, I can make plans w/o him but I just don't want to... I know I should be happy as I have many positive things in my life but... Well, family is really everything to me & family for me is me, him & our sons.

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
Hello Bee,

Seriously?!?! I can't believe your therapist said that, so unprofessional.

The good news is that you won't be working with that person anymore.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 577
K
Kyh Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 577
Wow Bee, sounds like good riddance! My IC was totally opposite, during my first couple of appointments she told me if at any time I felt our relationship wasn't working to seek someone else for help and treat or sessions how I would treat a physician/dentist appointment.

Sorry you're having a down day, it happens, it's normal for what we're going through but they seem a little different after having a good run of feeling fine. I hate the roller coaster. I know how that feeling, my family is everything to me as well.

Stay positive and take care!

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Gosh!

That therapist is so unprofessional...but he also sounds like he wanted to get the last point in and make you reconsider the cancellation of the last two appointments. Seriouly, I would have to send those comments to the medical board. It's any wonder you cancelled the last two sessions!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 97
B
Bee29 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 97
Back from my long weekend, recharged my batteries. I thought it would be difficult to be alone in OUR city, our favourite places... but it was fine. Went out with friends, enjoyed just me time. Missed my kids but not my h much. I think I reached the right level of detachment (my down day last week must have been just one of those days that passed quickly). Hope it will last for some time.

I feel sorry for him but I know I cannot help him. When we interact he just uses it to score points or twists everything around. Or just says some things completely off. Every time he shows some emotion or when we have fun the 4 of us, he retracts. Since I'm much better he is angry. It's better not to see him. He said we should go to another therapist. I told him I have an individual appointment with a new one on Monday & that if he wants he can join. Never replied to that. I'm not going to ask. I'm fine if he doesn't go.

I'd like to know how he felt when he spent several days with the kids in our house. To be back home but not really back, to have to leave after several days... Not sure he is capable of such emotions though. Well, since I'll never ask I will never know... One small change happened though, in the passed few weeks he avoided to use the word "home" when referring to our house. Before he was telling me "I'm home cooking for the kids" or "I'm home with the kids"... Before my weekend away he said "I'm with the kids". Yesterday he said he was "home". I know, I know, I shouldn't read much into it.

The kids usually go to my parents for 10-14 days in July. The weekend when they are with my parents we always used to go somewhere just the two of us. Yesterday I thought about it and decided to buy a plane ticket just for myself. So, looks like another "me" weekend ahead of me. We are still planning the 3.5 weeks trip during the summer. Everyone tells me I should cancel or take my sister instead. I don't know, it was our dream trip, kids all excited... Still have few weeks to think about it.

Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 577
K
Kyh Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 577
Little late, but glad you had a good weekend. It's weird how they retract when together as a family, my w does the same. She has also mentioned going to a therapist (for herself) a few times but never follows through. And I'd also like to know how they feel when "home" with the kids. The last time w was here to take care of the dogs for me she was here long enough to watch Cleopatra and another movie the next day.

Sounds like you're doing well. Take care and thanks for stopping by my thread.

Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard