For me, I think it comes down to trust. And I'm finding that I apparently still don't trust her. Not sure how to even get that back.
Anytime I've ever brought up the trust issue (which I haven't in a while, as I've stopped all MR talk), she likes to throw my former pill addiction in my face, saying I broke her trust and she's not sure I'm totally done, which is hard to believe as I'm a totally differnt person than before, in a good way. (at least that's what everyone else is saying to me)
But I get that to a point, having broken a her trust, but I NEVER went after any other women. Comparing the two seems like apples to oranges, at least for me.
She's moving out in two weeks? I'd let the issue of the concert slide. What could you possibly gain by confronting her?
My b@lls. I'm sure it would do more bad than good, but I've always been a bit passive with her. If she wants space, that's fine. If she wants to run around with other guys, I won't be around as a plan B.
Does she see you as Plan B? I'm not remembering the details of your situation, but I would interpret moving out as a sign that she doesn't think you should have a say in her life unless you have a clear agreement that this is a separation for a limited time for the purpose of working on your marriage and you have agreed to ground rules.
If my H announced he was going to move out on X date (not as part of an agreed upon separation), I would assume I had no more say in his behavior outside the home unless it directly involved our kids.
Unless you have a separation agreement, I don't think saying something is "taking back" anything.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
She's moving out in two weeks? I'd let the issue of the concert slide. What could you possibly gain by confronting her?
My b@lls. I'm sure it would do more bad than good, but I've always been a bit passive with her. If she wants space, that's fine. If she wants to run around with other guys, I won't be around as a plan B.
Does she see you as Plan B? I'm not remembering the details of your situation, but I would interpret moving out as a sign that she doesn't think you should have a say in her life unless you have a clear agreement that this is a separation for a limited time for the purpose of working on your marriage and you have agreed to ground rules.
If my H announced he was going to move out on X date (not as part of an agreed upon separation), I would assume I had no more say in his behavior outside the home unless it directly involved our kids.
Unless you have a separation agreement, I don't think saying something is "taking back" anything.
you're right. Its not my business. But it really irks me because she's not moving one way or the other. The only time she brings up D is if I do or say something she doesn't agree with. Almost like a threat. I know I need to be patient.
And no there has been zero R talk. I let it be known I want to work on things and have shut up since about it. (couple months now) She doesn't like talking about it, so nothing has been said. But she talks about things a bit down the line like we'll still be in contact. I plan to go dark as soon as she is gone. Kind of already am. I initiate zero contact at all really.
Guess this kind of triggered a bad day for me. I won't be saying anything to her.
I'm going by the book. Been working on myself and I know she's noticed. I'm initiating zero R talk. Only answering if she wants to talk (which she doesn't/hasn't).
So how can I even talk about setting 'rules' if this is only a separation? I don't even know what this is! If this was a sure-fire D, I think she would have already started moving on it, which she hasn't. She hasn't said anything.
another thing with this whole she's not talking about anything and I'm not initiating it....
I told her to take whatever she wants, and she is. But we have 2 dogs, that I won't give up so easily. We both love them dearly. I'd hate to show up after her moving day to find out she took 1 or both without even asking me, under the premise that I said to take what she wants.
Initiating that talk though is counterproductive to the DB process, so I don't know which way to fall on this one.
(I do think that her condo place only allows for 1 dog, and she's been adamant since this started that we keep them together, as they are best of friends.)
I think making your expectations clear about the Dogs would be a perfectly ok exception to the overall "not initiating" strategy.
Your understanding is that you two agreed the dogs should stay together, and you interpret that as meaning the dogs will be staying at the house, and if she feels differently that is something you two will need to discuss.
Doesn't need to come across as mean or punitive; given the situation, I would set that boundary ahead of time.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
I think making your expectations clear about the Dogs would be a perfectly ok exception to the overall "not initiating" strategy.
Your understanding is that you two agreed the dogs should stay together, and you interpret that as meaning the dogs will be staying at the house, and if she feels differently that is something you two will need to discuss.
Doesn't need to come across as mean or punitive; given the situation, I would set that boundary ahead of time.
thanks, I'll have a talk with her this week about it. I bet after that talk, she brings up D. Any takers??
So I took the advice of the forum here and have dropped the idea of confronting her. I honestly believe there is nothing physical going on, but if the EA is still on, that still hurts.
But thru all the pain, it kind of feels good to release myself from the worry of what she might be doing and with who. I still want to be with her, but I'm definitely turning over a new leaf with myself, and will never go back to the way things were, thank god.
Booked some IC with a marriage counselor. I did ask if she was solution oriented and she said yes. I'm not even telling W about it, this is all for me.
little update...had a great holiday weekend. Last night, W asks what I did/where I was and I just said "I was out and about". She pressed, saying she didn't really care where I was, that she's just being nosy, which she is. I kept being vague and she said "that's so weird, you were probably just at your brothers and you're being weird about it. That's annoying". Well, I wasn't at my brothers, but all I said was "I was out, leave it alone." To which she did.
I went about organizing some stuff, and was kinda whistling, just being generally in good mood. She's in the bathroom, and snaps at me "and that whistling is annoying too!" I kinda laughed and said, "I'm gonna whistle in my own house if I want to." It wasn't a loud, obnoxious whistle, just kinda to myself. I don't get why she's so grumpy, especially towards me.
I brought up the dog situation too, and she said she wants to leave them with me, because they are happy here. I agree. She said "I can come visit them" and "or have them on the weekends sometimes". Kinda funny, treating our dogs like children. I told her "I better be getting some child support then!" I was joking, she got it. We had a good laugh. Strange days indeed.
