Thanks for the your post. The overall message with these WAW/WW is they need to feel the loss that they instigated. So until she walks into that 2 X 4 on her own - she won't feel it.
I still have a burning feeling inside me to "show her" how "together" I am with the house, kids, etc. I know that it's the wrong motivation - but as I keep saying there is a triple benefit if the kids, the house, etc are well cared for - they are happy, I'll be happy knowing that yes I can do it all and if it bugs her - that would be great too. She doubts my ability to run the house. Well, not only am I running it - I'm improving it.
Or if she thinks - that we don't miss/need her and she distances herself even more - then that's telling to.
As I said over and over. I'm very happy with all the small consistent changes I've been making. It definitely shows a trajectory and I know I'm reaping the benefits.
I've decided I'll go dark on posting what I'm doing with the kids etc. If she wants to know - she will ask and/or she can see when she comes over.
I will change the house in moderation. I'll keep up the improvements and the decluttering. I won't toss her stuff and I won't make drastic changes i.e. take down photos of her, change paint colours, etc.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Thanks for the your post. The overall message with these WAW/WW is they need to feel the loss that they instigated. So until she walks into that 2 X 4 on her own - she won't feel it.
I still have a burning feeling inside me to "show her" how "together" I am with the house, kids, etc. I know that it's the wrong motivation - but as I keep saying there is a triple benefit if the kids, the house, etc are well cared for - they are happy, I'll be happy knowing that yes I can do it all and if it bugs her - that would be great too. She doubts my ability to run the house. Well, not only am I running it - I'm improving it.
Or if she thinks - that we don't miss/need her and she distances herself even more - then that's telling to.
As I said over and over. I'm very happy with all the small consistent changes I've been making. It definitely shows a trajectory and I know I'm reaping the benefits.
I've decided I'll go dark on posting what I'm doing with the kids etc. If she wants to know - she will ask and/or she can see when she comes over.
I will change the house in moderation. I'll keep up the improvements and the decluttering. I won't toss her stuff and I won't make drastic changes i.e. take down photos of her, change paint colours, etc.
How does that sound for a plan everyone?
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
When my wife moved out I realized I could clean, and improve, the house and lawn my way without constantly getting permission and approval. It's been wonderful!
As I come across stuff that belongs to my wife, I'll save it and then when she comes over to get the boys (we do the 50-50 thing with the boys) I'll tell her to take her stuff or I'll throw it away. It's not an attempt to be mean, but I am actively showing her that I'm moving on without her.
PacLove: I've decided I'll go dark on posting what I'm doing with the kids etc. If she wants to know - she will ask and/or she can see when she comes over. .... How does that sound for a plan everyone?
I'm not sure going dark on Facebook is strictly necessary. If your postings have been mostly about trying to stir a specific feeling in WW, or "showing her" how happy you are then sure maybe cut back some in order to detach better.
However, I think Facebook can also be about engaging more with your wider social circle. Rebuilding and forging new social connections so your mood is less dependent on hers and help give LBS sources of validation and support other than the spouse.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
I'm new to your sitch but I agree with the other posters. You are very, very attached.
The good is that you are trying. The good is that you are posting. The good is that you are using your emotions productively and making personal improvements.
The downside is it is clear you are doing it for her. You seem to have it in your head that the story will go that she walks, you DB and better yourself, she sees what she's missing and that the grass isn't greener, and eventually she regrets her decision and wants to come back to the M.
While that's possible, it's not probable. That is a fairy tale. The harsh reality is it doesn't work that way in real life any more than living 'happily ever after'.
Sometimes people remarry after years of pain and suffering and change, and after failed relationships with other people.
Sometimes people never look back.
My point isn't that saving your M is hopeless. It's simply that it isn't certain, and if it did work out it would be a new relationship between two new people- the people each of you become over the next few years of a journey.
You will unfortunately have to grieve for your loss and move forward with your life without her. You will have to detach. Either you will do it, or she will force you to because she WILL detach and you can't keep playing the emotional connection game if she truly lets go. Or you will continue to be in some type of weird emotional game that persists throughout the years and future relationships.
I second the vote for learning everything you can about detachment. Working hard to come to grips with the reality of the situation. When you find yourself doing things and mind reading or fantasizing about how she feels or will feel, STOP. She's gone. She's out of your reach. Potentially forever. Whatever you want from her, learn to do for yourself.
It is brutally hard, but it will pass. This will help you survive the loss, and since it aligns with DBing it's not like you're killing the chances of a future relationship either.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks for taking the time for the detailed posts. I guess I'm waving the white flag. Yes, I'm attached. So yes, I will reread the homework on detachment and do some extra googling on the topic.
I guess the honest response is - in the past, when needing to get over hurt, loss, etc - I typically would busy myself (school, work, hobbies, friends, etc). Eventually, the hurt, loss, etc would move to the background and then fade away.
So this is my 1st 20 + year relationship that has gone bad. So I thought I was doing the right thing by busying myself. BTW my D20 says I have too many hobbies and I'm not allowed to take guitar lessons.
As I've said before - with W moving out, it makes it easy to "go dark" and for sure the pursing will stop - out of sight out of mind right.
The honest answer is, I like the improvements I've made and I really like the fact that my W can't help herself and notice. Further, she makes the occasional remark e.g. just today she said the back yard looks great and really likes the new items I added to the tree house.
So, the next step will be detachment. Sounds easy but it ain't.
On the plus side, today when she came over with her list of demands regarding - visitation, support, etc. I just listened and told her that I'm not going to respond until I had a chance to think about it etc. I told her I had some question and to let me know when she is free to discuss. I reminded her once and did not hear back. I left it alone. Now, I'll wait to hear.
As my long time readers/listeners know, I love the practical. Does anyone have an practical tips on how to detach? The thought stopping, etc.
Give me your feedback please!!!
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
2. Discontinue thinking about how any action or decision you make affect your W.
3. Discontinue posting about things that you are doing and how it affects your W. If you are posting about it, then you are thinking about it. See tip #2
4. Search for additional material on tips for detaching.
And yes, I agree bigy, that truly detaching is a difficult task. Time is our gift for this and knowledge is the start, action will move us closer, and then finally that little thread that has us connected will finally break.
Until then my friend, hopefully these practical tips can get you on your way.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I think you have to decide which you want.........to show your W what a great job you are doing...........or to mentally and emotionally detach from the feelings you have connected to her and her opinions.
I understand how you are driven, at least I think I do. I am very much the same way, which doesn't make it right or wrong......I just understand how it works.
If I were in your shoes, and I mean me, Sandi.........I would probably be doing pretty much the same as you, if my goal was to find satisfaction in showing my H what a terrific gal he left. On the other hand, if I felt through with him, then why would it matter how he saw me. For me, I would have to be so utterly sickened at the very thought of him, for me to completely hold back from smearing it on a little.........but that's my personality and I'm not saying it's right, I'm just being completely honest. Even if I didn't want the guy, I would get a little bit of pleasure in showing what he no longer had. (Maybe I am a little wicked).
This causes me to recall when my D's H left her for another women. When he dropped by, she didn't care how she looked or how her place looked. I told her one day that I would look like a doll when he came by.......to show him what he gave up. She looked at me and said, I could care less what he thinks! So, two difference of opinions, I suppose.
With you being kind of energized into pushing forward by showing your W what she's given up...........it could eventually, I think, taper off to where you were more focused on just you and the kids. However, I certainly see the points SadH makes, and he is completely right that it keeps you attachd and causes you to have certain expectations.
Again, I think you have to decide for yourself which way you want, but know that you can't have both, (I don't think), in the frame of mind you have at the moment. B/c it occupies your mind, and b/c you place a certain level of importance on it........you stay mentally attached to her. You can either be detached or make "showing her" as your goal.
Years ago, a lot of the LBH'S gave illustrations of what each other could do to show their WW's how they were doing great without her and moving forward. I adopted a lot of it, but I do agree that it can keep you mentally attached. Your focus becomes on what she will feel or how she'll react, etc. In some cases, I think it may even be necessary (depending on the actions of the WW). But if the LBH is really ready to start living for himself.......without his W's opinions and feelings dictating His actions, and if he is ready to have inner peace, then I believe he has to let it go. I just don't think you are there, Biz. You have never been detached, and I'm not sure you fully "get it".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
2. Discontinue thinking about how any action or decision you make affect your W.
3. Discontinue posting about things that you are doing and how it affects your W. If you are posting about it, then you are thinking about it. See tip #2
4. Search for additional material on tips for detaching.
And yes, I agree bigy, that truly detaching is a difficult task. Time is our gift for this and knowledge is the start, action will move us closer, and then finally that little thread that has us connected will finally break.
Until then my friend, hopefully these practical tips can get you on your way.
I agree with this, especially #3.
I'm not saying to stop posting about what your are doing to GAL, but any time you find yourself typing "W," stop and consider whether you are about to say how you think she is responding to or noticing what you have done. And then don't type that part.
The important thing is what you think about what you are doing.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
My #1 tip on detaching is to replace the ways in which your W met your needs with alternatives.
For example, if you miss the physical touch, get a massage 1-2 times a month for a few months. If you miss the emotional connection, post here what you'd want to share with WAW, or spend more time with close friends. If you miss family time, make some special time with your kids or with relatives you haven't seen for a while.
What you will find is that your W is just a person. When we've spent so long with them it's easy to see them in a mystical light, as if they hold the keys to our soul. But the truth is that when we diversify how we meet our own needs, they will no longer look magical. Once our needs are met, she will look more like a person we'd like to spend our life with, but not salvation in itself.
That is why GAL is so important. It gives you opportunities to discover other ways to meet your own needs.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
