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Glad you have had a better few days and hope your D has a super birthday. Well done with the sobriety.....now then, what arrangements/support are you going to put in place to maintain this and move forward?

smile x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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tkdmme Offline OP
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Sotto,

I haven't really put any plans together to maintain the path im on yet. I am planning to go back to AA but haven't had a chance. Its been a very busy week.

As for D13 Birthday, I bought a cake and had set up to make dinner, but when I called to pick her up she didn't answer. When I finally got in touch with her she was at the neighborhood pool and didn't want to come over. This kind of crushed me. I had been looking forward to spending some time with her. I went by the pool to see her but the STBX didn't put my name on the membership. They let me in anyway. I told her I loved her and that I wanted her to spend her birthday having fun with her friends.

Even though I paid for the membership the STBX didn't put my name on it. That's pretty messed up if you ask me.

Anyway, I went home and repaired my mower that my neighbor broke. She put gas in the oil.

Although this whole ordeal hurt, I tried not to take it personally. However, In my opinion, at 13 years old she should not make plans that she doesn't intend to keep. I think her mother should have made her stick to the plan.

Tonight I have S11 5th grade graduation ceremony. This will be another emotional evening.

Im still sober though.


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
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tk,

I am so sorry to hear about the situation with d13. But you handled it well and that is what I want you to focus on. Teenagers can be a challenge even in the best of circumstances, so I imagine your d13 is going through her own struggles due to the family situation. I am proud of you for handling it so well as I know that it hurt. I know that because when my d5 shows that she would prefer to do something not with me I feel the pain. And she is t young to know better.

This is another step forward for you. Recognize it, learn from it, draw strength from it.

Now set a firm plan and goal to get started with AA. Please commit to those of us here supporting you. We are here to hold you accountable for healing from this sickness.
Post the plan and then follow through.

We believe in you. We are here to support you. I am praying for you.

Enjoy your evening with your s11.

Be well today my friend.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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tkdmme Offline OP
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OK, This is my plan. feel free to correct me where you all think I my be making a mistake.

1. Stay sober: I plan to attend one AA meeting a week starting next week. I have too much going on this week to start.

2. File for D: STBX has not yet filed and I originally said I wouldn't file because I didn't wasn't the D. However I feel that I need to move forward and get the ball rolling.

3. Open a new banking account: at this point we are still sharing an account and I am held responsible for taking care of all the bills including hers.

4. GAL: I am going to stop playing piano at the clubs. If I am to remain sober this is important. As much as I love to entertain it scares me to be in those places. Im not sure what I will replace this with. maybe joining a gym?

5. Stop facilitating the STBX: I will no longer move, store, or pack her things. The things I have packed will be dropped off at her place.

6. Get the house ready for sale: too many things to list.

7. Focus on spending quality time with my children: Although STBX doesn't see it, they are hurting and need me to help them through this ordeal.

These are in no specific order but I guess its a start.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


M:39
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S:10
S:7
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Hi TK, good for you coming up with some specific goals. I think no.1 is great and should be a priority area. Is there more than one meeting you can go to if you're not available on a particular night etc?

For 2 - this is up to you of course. We all just need to reach a point where we are at peace with our decisions. Conscious you haven't been in the best place recently - is it a good time to make a big decision?

3. Agree - sounds like a reasonable plan. And importantly, sounds like you guys need a longer term plan in terms of the finances.

4. Not going to the clubs sounds like a good idea - and so would be a clearer plan to replace that. Ie: I'm going to join a gym and have an induction during June etc. Also, I do wonder whether you might consider using your musical talents to give others joy - my Mum loves it when a guy comes to play songs at her day centre.

5. Maybe make this a positive plan. I'm going to get STBX stuff removed by X date.

6. Great - what's the timescale here?

7. Absolutely - and hopefully you can plan some specific summer activities.

What works for me is to have a little notebook and I jot a goal down on the top of each page. Then I flick through the book, adding 'next steps' for each goal in below. I tick them off when I've done them. I have about 15 goals on the go at the moment....

smile X


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Originally Posted By: tkdmme
OK, This is my plan. feel free to correct me where you all think I my be making a mistake.


Having a plan is good. Don't be afraid to make some mistakes. Many will provide feedback, but trust yourself as well.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

1. Stay sober: I plan to attend one AA meeting a week starting next week. I have too much going on this week to start.


Yes, I think many would agree this is a key part of the plan for you. This should be a priority for you in your healing process.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

2. File for D: STBX has not yet filed and I originally said I wouldn't file because I didn't wasn't the D. However I feel that I need to move forward and get the ball rolling.


Only you can know if this is a good goal for your plan. My honest opinion for this though, would be to take care of your first goal first. This is a big decision and you want to be in the right place before making it. I encourage that you do not do it from an emotional place, and it may be best to do when you are "whole" and healed.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

3. Open a new banking account: at this point we are still sharing an account and I am held responsible for taking care of all the bills including hers.


Protecting finances in separations is a good thing. Seek financial or legal counsel for this and then you will have the details that can aid you in making a wise decision.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

4. GAL: I am going to stop playing piano at the clubs. If I am to remain sober this is important. As much as I love to entertain it scares me to be in those places. Im not sure what I will replace this with. maybe joining a gym?


This is a good idea. Are there other options to play the piano where alcohol is not involved? In my area there is a place called Organ Stop pizza. It is a family pizza place with this very cool organ that some folks play while everyone listens and eats pizza.
I would also encourage that you make a goal for the gym, or other activity during the times you plane to avoid the current places you are going to avoid.
It is always a good rule of thumb to replace an activity we want to stop with another that we can benefit from. IMHO.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

5. Stop facilitating the STBX: I will no longer move, store, or pack her things. The things I have packed will be dropped off at her place.


Do you need her stuff out of your place? Maybe set her a deadline togged it? I don't really have a thought on this, other than what ever you do, do it for you and be kind as it relates to her.


Originally Posted By: tkdmme

6. Get the house ready for sale: too many things to list.


Originally Posted By: tkdmme
7. Focus on spending quality time with my children: Although STBX doesn't see it, they are hurting and need me to help them through this ordeal.

Always a good idea for us LBH. The children need a stable parent, and we can be that. Learn the things that can aid you in being the best dad ever. You have some making up to do I am sure with your situation, but it is never to late.

Get these going and stick to it. I am proud of you for admitting you have an issue and seeking out assistance. It will be a long road and with its challenges. Take it one day at a time and you can do this.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Thanks for the feedback guys.

Just an update from last night.

My S11 had his 5th grade graduation. I get confused at these things. My D waved me down and had saved me a seat next to the STBX. It makes me very uncomfortable. It seems that STBX wants to play family in front of others. Our children go to a prestigious Christian school here and STBX has always tried to act different in front of these people. Most of the kid's at the school come from very wealthy families. I however work my tail off to keep them in this school.

Anyway, it went ok. when it was over I told the kids goodbye and went home. Around 9:30, STBX called and told me not to take my feeling toward her out on the kids. Im not sure what she meant there. Then she goes on to tell me that she has seen no change I me and that if she did she may have reconsidered the separation. Again, im not sure what is going on here. She then tells me that it should have been me that moved out. I had no place to go and I didn't want the separation.

the conversation went on for a while with here telling me why she left and how I haven't change. Im so confused at this point.

I have the kids this weekend. She calls this morning and asks if its ok if the kids go to a cookout at her brother's on Saturday and she said I come too if I want. What the hell is going on? Im not interested in playing family. She says that I should do it for the kids. Ok, this is where I screwed up. I told her the kids could go but I would not. I then went on to tell her how much I missed her and loved her. I said, I want my family back and that I have changed and im continuing to change. Im trying hard to become a better person. Then silence on the phone. She then said, I know. I told her to have a great day and we hung up.

What does all of this mean. She hasn't called me in moths and all of the sudden calls to tell me why she left. She has told me why she left many time before. I just don't understand.


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S:10
S:7
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good morning tk

Okay, my first bit of advice forthe confusion, is to stop trying to make sense of her actions and conversation. This is part of the rule that you believe nothing that she says and only half of what she does.
By not trying to analyze it all in your mind, you will not be confused by it. I know, easier said than done, but you need to do it.

As for "acting" like a family. Here is where I would recommend that you avoid "acting" or viewing it as such. These situations are difficult, but I have found that you need to be a father in these moments and that can be done by thinking as a father to benefit the children.

My DB coach gave me some great advice that helps me. Try and view your W as a sister or really close friend. This way you will treat her well, with the love and respect one has for a sister. The behaviors are different than for a W. But in these settings you won't be acting, yet you will be kind. This is a win win for the kids, and your efforts in Dbing.

Now, move your focus to you and your goals. This is where your energy is needed right now.
What day are you going to AA?
What have you replaced your piano engagements with?
What is your next activity with your children?

I'm here for you brother. Keep taking it one step at a time.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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tkdmme Offline OP
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Yea, I know about believing nothing she says. I just that she has said noting for so long it made me feel like maybe she was having second thoughts. Just when I feel like im letting go of the rope, she hands back to me.

As for AA. I have looked at their schedule and I am planning to go Monday night. I have the kids this weekend.

I like playing golf as does my S11. so im going to start playing more with him. We are going to play Saturday.

I have to play piano tonight and this will be the ultimate test as far as the drinking. I play alone. kind of a piano bar setting where I play requests. Most of the time the people tip me but they also buy me drinks. I have in the past made an announcement that I would rather have tips than drinks but they never listen. So im going to do my best to abstain.

I cant help thinking about the conversation with the STBX. Its making my head spin. Its almost like she is trying to dangle the carrot just to throw it sway again. It seems cruel. If she doesn't want me then why does she keep reminding me of why she left. Like she's trying to convince herself that she did the right thing.


M:39
W:40
S:10
S:7
D:12
BD:3/5/15
Separate BR:3/5/15
W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
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Originally Posted By: tkdmme
Yea, I know about believing nothing she says. I just that she has said noting for so long it made me feel like maybe she was having second thoughts. Just when I feel like im letting go of the rope, she hands back to me.


She can try and hand you the rope. But you do not need to take it. smirk

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

As for AA. I have looked at their schedule and I am planning to go Monday night. I have the kids this weekend.


Perfect! I look forward to your report on how that goes for you.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

I like playing golf as does my S11. so im going to start playing more with him. We are going to play Saturday.


This is great. GAL and time with your son. I wish I could play golf. But my blood pressure does not handle the frustration very well. LOL grin


Originally Posted By: tkdmme

I have to play piano tonight and this will be the ultimate test as far as the drinking. I play alone. kind of a piano bar setting where I play requests. Most of the time the people tip me but they also buy me drinks. I have in the past made an announcement that I would rather have tips than drinks but they never listen. So im going to do my best to abstain.


Forgive me for saying this, but this does not sound like a good idea. You have an addiction that you are trying to break, and you are going to walk right into the heart of temptation and tell me that you want to see if you can pass the test???
You sound as if you are justifying not passing it already simply by asking the patrons not to tip you with a drink??
Here is my 2X4 for you my dear friend tk.
DO NOT GO TO THIS!!
I hit you in the head with this, and do so as gently as possible, but I do it also by being firm as a friend would do out of concern for your well being. you are not ready for such a test my friend.
I ask that you reconsider going to the gig.

Originally Posted By: tkdmme

I cant help thinking about the conversation with the STBX. Its making my head spin. Its almost like she is trying to dangle the carrot just to throw it sway again. It seems cruel. If she doesn't want me then why does she keep reminding me of why she left. Like she's trying to convince herself that she did the right thing.


All the more reason that you need to reconsider your gig tonight my friend. Are you really in a good place to test your limits today?

Now that I have whacked you with the 2X4, I want to commend you for posting on another thread today. Sharing wisdom and support is very therapeutic as well as it can help reinforce the things you should be doing. One does not want to give advice, if one is not following it themselves, Right!?

I will be checking back with you my friend. Please take what I have said to heart and know it comes from my heart.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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