My plan is to go back to AA. It is really embarrassing though. I am supposed to be a man and be able to control myself at all times but the truth us that I cant. I have to get help with this.
The W is gone and will not be returning and that is ok. I don't miss her anymore but I miss being a part of a family.
I have no excuse for my actions at this point. I know that what I have been doing is self destructive. Im just overwhelmed. W keeps enrolling the kids in to camps and has signed an agreement for the use of their neighborhood pool. Im financially tapped out. I want the kids to have everything they deserve but its breaking me. She has left me with a complete mess of a house. She was a pack rat and refuses to come get her things. I feel paralyzed and cant seem to get the ball rolling on getting the house on the market. I need to get out of the house. their are too many memories.
All three of the kids are in private school and I cant afford it. Im falling behind on payments. The AC broke down at the house and I had to get it repaired $500. It seems that everything cost 500 these days.
As far as drinking, im pretty proud of myself. The new people I have been associating with are toxic. They called me all night last night trying to get me to come drinking. I was able to refuse and had a sober night for the first time in a while. Actually got some much needed rest.
My D12 had a choir concert last night. I managed to get through it although it was very difficult to see the soon to be ex. she looks so happy and like none of this is bothering her. D12 won another award. Im so proud of her.
I am trying to make it through the week with no alcohol. Im booked to play Friday night and it really scares me. If I can make it through a night of playing without drinking, I would be so proud of myself.
Sorry for the long post
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Im doing pretty good this morning. I have a meeting coming up at 9:00 with the client here at work. Im trying to finish up 2 warehouses on a nuclear power plant. Talk about stressful!
I cant tell how much I appreciate you guys on this site. Im still struggling and know im facing a hard transition but at the moment I feel up to it.
I will check back in after the meeting. Wish me luck and thanks again.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Just an update. Its day 3 and no alcohol!! Im feeling much better. As we all know alcohol is a depressant and I know that was leading to a lot of my dark thoughts. Also It was causing me to be extremely ashamed of myself.
Today is my D 13th birthday and I have the kids tonight. I have been saving up to get her braces and I finally have enough money to get it started. We will be having dinner and cake tonight at my place. Im looking forward to it. The past two nights have been good. Trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied.
Last night I helped a friend repair a lawn mower and turned in early. I feel great today other than the emotional feelings of my D birthday. These are good emotions. Im just so proud of the young woman she is becoming.
I received good news from work yesterday! I will be renegotiating my contract and signing for 2 more years. Im at the end of my contract now and it has had me worried for a while.
I spoke with the STBX last night regarding the finances. At this point we still share a bank account and I have been acting as her accountant through this whole ordeal. I cant do it anymore. She will have to be responsible for her own bills from now on. I don't think its fair for me to carry the burden anymore.
So all in all, I have had a good week. And mostly thanks to the support of all of you. Its so weird to have these friends who care so much even though we will never meet in person. I feel like I know you all.
I hope you all are doing well!
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
So all in all, I have had a good week. And mostly thanks to the support of all of you. Its so weird to have these friends who care so much even though we will never meet in person. I feel like I know you all.
I hope you all are doing well!
It is great to hear how well you are doing. It provides me with a sense of joy, because as you say, I feel as if I know you a bit and knowing that you are progressing and doing well is a pleasure for me.
Enjoy your d's birthday today and make it a special one for her. And keep taking it one step at a time. Day by day and before you know it, the path ahead will appear brighter and brighter.
Be well today my friend.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I really encouraged to hear that you are doing better, and have abstained from alcohol this last few days. good job.
That being said, I cannot emphasize enough that alcohol is but a symptom. I strongly advise you get back into some type of support for your drinking problem. I suggest AA, but that's just me.
It does seem weird sometimes that the people that were able to have deep conversations with are people we will probably not meet in the flesh. Maybe that's why we're able to be so open. Who knows.
Keep up the fight on the not drinking, and before you know it you'll have 30,90,6 months, and a year of sobriety.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
