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Phoebe Offline OP
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Well, it's time to start a new thread. Again. I'm over 5 months into this saga now, and the limbo goes on and on and on and...

Here's my last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2677139&page=1

I'll skip the summary, except to say that there has been almost complete NC for weeks now. My life is all my own these days, with the suspended sentence of waiting for the other shoe to drop. No sign of a D being filed so far, but I brace myself every time I go to the mailbox.

I have been doing pretty well, but insomnia remains a struggle sometimes, as is the shaking of my hands. At first my whole body was shaking, so that's progress. I had thought I was doing better, but now I may ask my GP to increase my AD meds again. I am definitely down again.

So I got an email today from the woman I am still deciding if I can be friends with, and she told me that she turned down my invitation to go on a hike with me because she found our (Mine and H's) online hiking journals and decided she could never keep up with me.

I never even considered my past hiking experience as a cause for a rejected invitation.

So, the Misfit Toy Syndrome strikes again, I guess.

It also reminded me of how much that part of my life means to me and how every single memory of all those months of backpacking is tied up with my H. No idea how to approach all of those memories. They were something I treasured. Now... just thinking about them made me cry. Again. What the he11? I made it 8 days between waterworks sessions, and now twice in 2 days? At least I can breathe normally through these tears and it's not the tsunami of grief again like yesterday.

Sorry, just having a bit of a rough patch the last couple days. I do have many more good days than bad now, but apparently the roller coaster ride still descends sometimes.

I'm tired, both physically and mentally.

In better news, a different woman that I met on yesterday's tree hike sent me a message saying she would like to get together to go on a hike! That's at least something positive. Someone who likes to hike and who is also interested in trees and birds. I guess we'll arrange a place and time, but a least that may lead to a hiking partner sometimes. (This one doesn't know my full name, and therefore can't go find my hiking journals, so I've got that going for me.) Relative anonymity has its benefits, apparently.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Phoebe

Totally normal to have the waterworks when you are faced with the memories and time spent together that was yours...nobody elses.

I had the same experience with a vacation spot I was back at it was near the place my STBX and I have gone and had a blast....made me lose it. [censored]...but I tried to remember the good times and then after snapping out of it said I will build new memories some day here with someone else or just try to enjoy myself now.


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Phoebe, it is a constant struggle to get past the memories, but keep your self in the present and create new special memories. The usual is comfortable, but new people can make the present so much more interesting than the usual. You will get through this, just keep taking one step at a time.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
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Thank you, rich. Sometimes I think that the hardest thing is figuring out what to do with all these memories. It's not like I even want to pretend that the last 25 years of my life didn't exist.

It's like the whole world is now a mine field, with all these things out there in wait if we just step in the wrong place.

Damn, crying again. I do think I may need more Prozac.

Just miss my life, and it was hard to be reminded of some of my most important memories, and the conflicting feelings I have about them, by someone who is basically a stranger.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Thank you, coconut. I'm just having my little pity party today.

I know that it's all part of the process.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: Mar 2016
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Phoebe, it makes me sad to hear that you are going through a rough stretch these past 2 days. You have been doing so much to help your healing process and I know much of the things that you were doing were outside of your comfort zone.

My heart breaks a little as I hear of the sadness you are experiencing, because I know that you are so much more than the depressing thoughts and views you are experiencing.

Will you try something for me? It is something that I have been studying, learning about and really working on with my d17.

Positive self talk.

Our brains are like computers. If you enter bad programming, then things don't work right or behave in a manner not desired.
If you enter good programming, then things work well and behave in a manner that is desired.

When you are posting positive things and statements you appear to be doing well.
Then there are days where your posts are focused on the not so good things and you are struggling.

What I want to challenge you to do, is post positive things when you are feeling down or sad. Take it a step further and speak positive things to yourself as well. Seek out positive reading, videos, etc.

Lets change that sad/negative programing in your mind to positive,happy programming. Because that is truly who you are under the pain. Lets get it out into the open and let it roam free.

I want to see you break through some barriers and gain some momentum.
I know this may seem like a tall order, and it is coming from someone that just a few weeks ago, could not hold it together, but I have found some momentum in this approach, and I think it may benefit you at this time.

Lets get you to a point that you will feel strong for any future challenges that you will face. Lets stay in the moment to create that strength. Lets get Phoebe to a place where sleep is the norm, shaking is temporary, a smile is the medicine for sadness, and fear of what the future holds is not an issue.

Will you try this?
View Shawn Achors tedtalk on happiness
View Matthieu Ricard tedtalk on the habits of happiness.

These contain messages that can help you with my challenge.

(((Phoebe)))

I am here for you, I believe in you and I know you are so much more than the fearful future images that run through your mind.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Great Advice Sadhub! Thanks for sharing.

Phoebe, I don't know of this is good advice, but sadly it helps me. I keep a list of the things I won't miss about my STBX. When I miss her it helps me re-read that.

I also keep a list of things that I am grateful given my new life and re-read that often.

(I also have a list of things that I think my STBX won't miss about me - for those I plan to tackle one at at time when I am ready)

I also have a Testament I read daily out-loud. Here's mine which I have evolved over the last 6 months:
  • I must accept my marriage is over
  • Surrender to what is, let go of what was, have faith is what will be. -S Ricotti
  • Even though I feel depressed about losing the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I deeply and completely accept myself
  • Each day I will live in the here and now and consider it a blessing to receive and give God's goodness daily.
  • I give thanks to have this opportunity to truly learn myself and invest in my emotional and spiritual growth.
  • The hidden blessing is all the time I now have to cultivate my new life and strengthen my relationship with my Daughter, Family, and close friends, and make new meaningful relationships
  • I will put in the hard work to become a better person and one day meet the partner of my dreams
  • When one door closes another will open.


Me37 W33
T:8 M:5
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BD 11/2015
EA+PA w boss 12/2015
S 3/2016

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Im smarter because of my mistakes
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Phoebe, maybe it's the full moon. frown I've been crying pretty much non-stop for 4 days. I sat and sorted product on the shelf today and the tears were just running and running. Nothing I could do to stop it. My poor manager must wonder who she's hired!

I hope it calms down for you soon. I take a pill like clockwork every 5-8 hours. It helps with the gut-wrenching pain in my belly, but doesn't stop the crying. I also learned recently (I experienced it and noticed it, then read an article about it) that Tylenol actually helps with emotional pain!


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
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SH, I will look up those talks tomorrow. I promise. And I will try harder. I'm just not quite there right now.

I know you want me to feel better, SH, and I will, just not this moment. There are times when I'm just going to be sad. I Know that I am going to be OK, even if I'm not sure how to get there every day.

I journal what I do and experience and then how I feel about those things. If I report something that sounds down, it's because I already feel that way, and not the other way around. So, while I completely agree about positive self-talk, I'm not totally sure that negative self-talk is what I've been doing, either. I feel more like I'm sorting things out. I have to put on my brave face and pretend that I'm OK all day long so that people don't feel bad for me or uncomfortable around me. Most days recently I really am doing OK, but some days I'm not, and that's not because of anything I write.

I'd rather not have to pretend to be brave all the time here, too.

I'm struggling more the last few days because meeting people is hard for me. I know I need to do it, but it reminds me that I have always struggled to form friendships, and that tap dances on the same nerves that are already sensitive because of my best friend and H's rejection of me. It reminds me of what I discovered when I started writing down my loss history. Friendships have been associated with painful losses through my life, and yet now I have to seek them out.

So, anyway, SH. I very much appreciate your concern and support. I'll try to do more positive self-talk, and I will go find those talks. Meanwhile, I hope you won't hold me to continuing my acting here, too. This has been my refuge for what I can't share anywhere else.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Here is the place to let it all out. Be sad. Be angry. Be attached. Be annoyed. Be YOU. This forum helps in many ways. Venting and expressing your true feelings is one important aspect.

Look up those topics mentioned above. Google excel at life. There is a lot of useful stuff there. It explains better than we could in a few LAN s. Plus you can either read or listen to the info.

At worst it distracts you. At best it will help you. Win win in my book.

Best wishes.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
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LAN s should read lines!!


R 25 years
M 14 years
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Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
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I understand the wanting to let the sadness roll over you. Its not depression brought on by chemical imbalance. Its "situational depression" brought on by the circumstances of being left and rejected. Be sad. Its ok to. It will ease up at some point, when you're ready. For now, let those waves roll over you. And past.

I, too, have trouble making friends, pushing past the "she's a nice person" impression. I don't always like what other women like, and sometimes have interests that are out of the norm for my meetup groups. I wish I could go hiking with you; I backpacked all over the Sierras and most of SoCal, some of WA and ID. I, too, tend to talk plants, animals and rock formations and watch people's eyes glaze over.

You'll meet people. They will help. Just keep an open mind...friends appear in unlikely places. You'll be happy again someday. Just use your time to think about life and what you like about it.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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Hi Phoebe,
Ask your GP about gabapentin.
It's a wonder drug - off label use for sleep.
Works wonders for me and also seems to have a mild anti-depressant quality for me and many people.
Of course depends on your health situation / other meds etc.
but worth a try.
Most actual sleep meds are bad for getting addicted and have awful withdrawal.
If I don't sleep it all goes to hell very fast as then have no emotional control.
Hear you about the roller coaster - sounds like we were having bad days at the same time.
Where have you hiked in Idaho?
I'm from KEtchum/Sun Valley and grew up hiking and backpacking in the Sawtooths.
Thinking of going to Idaho for part of the summer - my whole family is there.
Good luck with new hiking buddy.
Thinking of you.

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Good morning to everyone, and especially SuperHeroSH! Good news! I'm feeling better this morning. smile smile smile

Thank you for the reassurances, roist. I really appreciate your chiming in. I only know how to be me, so I'll probably stick to that option. I'm glad I can still do that here, too.

Now I have more research to do, and I will definitely do it. I'm keepin a running list next to my keyboard of all the subjects and people I need too check out. Looks like I have a whole evening's worth of self-improvement options, so that's a very good thing.

After I go to my therapist, and my GP , and go for a hike today - WITH another human being, actually (the one who wouldn't hike with me after looking at my hiking journals changed her mind, so we shall see if she can be friends), then I will come home and hit the 'net.

I hope that everyone has a good day and I intend to stay in my happy groove today, too.

Pencil smiles and good chocolate thoughts.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Ciluzen, you sound like a long lost member of my tribe!!! I've hiked the PCT, and the southern portion of the CDT, as well as the AT. I know that glazed look you mention only too well. You know that when you tell someone you hiked for 6 months, and they ask you where you parked your car... well, you're just on different wavelengths. smile

Thank you for reminding me that there really are people out there who do enjoy similar things.

Sorry that I somehow missed so many posts earlier.

Painter you have been in my thoughts often. Thank you for checking in on me. Maybe it really is the full moon and some attendant lunacy! I did see an article about Tylenol leading to decreased empathy. I didn't see about it decreasing psychological pain in the person actually taking it, though. Excellent info to know. I'll check in on you on your thread very soon.

LandC, thank you for the info on gabapentin. I see my GP in a few minutes, so I'll talk to her about it. I haven't hiked in the places you mentioned, but I hope to eventually. I want to finish the CDT, so there's plenty of trail in Idaho that is still on my bucket list. I've heard wonderful things about it and really look forward to it.

Off to see the second doc of the day.

Thank you again for the thoughts and kindness, everyonr. It really means a lot to me to know that you're here.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Hi Phoebe,

I fear that my message and goal for my post to you did not convey the message that I had hoped. Please forgive me as my mind has not quite been in a place that I am familiar with and my thoughts are not being conveyed as I hope for.

For this I have taken the day after reading your response this morning to try and gather my thoughts into a manner that I can better express to you my hope for healing.

First I want to express that my desire to assist you comes from a genuine place. I truly feel a connection to you as you have been there from the early part of my journey. I say this as I have never been on a forum or social media because it was just not my thing. But the connection has been real for me, and the friendship that I feel with you is also genuine.
And I believe that I feel this because you are not pretending to be anything other than who you are. Honesty is the key for me to friendship and caring for another person.

Now my challenge to you may come from the "fixer" in me, and so I want to put it out there, that the challenge is not to say you are doing something wrong or not trying hard enough. It is because I see potential in you, and an opportunity to become stronger both physically and emotionally through positive efforts for healing.

Now before you read any further, please look up and watch the TedTalk by Guy Winch and emotional first aid.


Originally Posted By: Phoebe
SH, I will look up those talks tomorrow. I promise. And I will try harder. I'm just not quite there right now.


The talks are awesome and I think you will find value in them.
You are trying very hard, and my hope is not the you try harder, only that you may be able to tweak an approach that you may find comfort and strength from.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe
I know you want me to feel better, SH, and I will, just not this moment. There are times when I'm just going to be sad. I Know that I am going to be OK, even if I'm not sure how to get there every day.


There will be times that you are going to be sad. And I know that you will be okay. This I know. My goal is to share some ideas that will get you through it each day. We do have control, it just takes different efforts and a desire to do so. It is not always easy, but sadness is an emotion that we can work through. Meditation is key teaching for this. We must recognize the sadness, but we also should pass it through and then place our focus on positive things. This is key to meditation.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe
I journal what I do and experience and then how I feel about those things. If I report something that sounds down, it's because I already feel that way, and not the other way around. So, while I completely agree about positive self-talk, I'm not totally sure that negative self-talk is what I've been doing, either. I feel more like I'm sorting things out.


Journaling is perfect, and I did not mean to imply that you should not. It is a good way to provide ones self with emotional first aid. And as you say, it is sorting things out. I also did not mean to imply that it is negative self talk.
As indicated in the TedTalk, Rumination is unhealthy for our emotional well being because it can easily become a habit. A costly one. Physically and emotionally. If we are not careful, and replace it with positive self talk.

My hope for my message is that sometimes when we sort through our thoughts we stop at the thoughts that are about the reasons we are down, sad or lacking self confidence. We miss the opportunity to follow it up with thoughts of a positive nature, or positive self affirmations of what we know we are, or can become. Keep journaling, keep sorting things out, the challenge is to finish the journaling and sorting with the positive programing and affirmations. Our minds and hearts will grab on to those things and we can push forward with strength and healing.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe
I have to put on my brave face and pretend that I'm OK all day long so that people don't feel bad for me or uncomfortable around me. Most days recently I really am doing OK, but some days I'm not, and that's not because of anything I write.

I'd rather not have to pretend to be brave all the time here, too.


Phoebe, you are not pretending to be brave. You are truly being brave every day, both in front of the people you see each day as well as here on this form. I know it may be your tendency to try and not make people feel uncomfortable around you, I know this feeling, but I encourage you to be you. I think people are more real when online than in person, because that feeling seems less for whatever reason.
My point is, that I would love to meet you in person, and I would want you to be exactly as you have portrayed yourself in these forums as I believe this is you being you. I know others would say the same. So if you have so many supporters here, why would you not want to be that same way in person? It is who you are. Be you. You are beautiful just the way you are, emotional scars and all.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe
I'm struggling more the last few days because meeting people is hard for me. I know I need to do it, but it reminds me that I have always struggled to form friendships, and that tap dances on the same nerves that are already sensitive because of my best friend and H's rejection of me. It reminds me of what I discovered when I started writing down my loss history. Friendships have been associated with painful losses through my life, and yet now I have to seek them out.


As you watch the TedTalk, I think you will know my response to this. (hint, its the part with the lady that was divorced and went on the date, then called her "friend".

Originally Posted By: Phoebe
So, anyway, SH. I very much appreciate your concern and support. I'll try to do more positive self-talk, and I will go find those talks. Meanwhile, I hope you won't hold me to continuing my acting here, too. This has been my refuge for what I can't share anywhere else.


I would only ask that you don't have to feel the need to "act" at all. Just be you. Believe in you. Practice emotional first aid. Your physical health will return. Your emotional health with heal.
The real and confident You underneath all of the pain, is truly a wonderful and amazing person, and there are people out there that deserve to know you, emotional scars and all.

I hope that this does not come across as a 2X4 because it is not. It is my desire to share with you some valuable information and thoughts for healing. You have come a long way, and you have a long way to go. As discussed in the talk, we focus a lot on physical healing. Medication, doctor visits etc, but we miss the opportunity to provide emotional first aid. And when we do, no amount of meds are going to help us physically long term. Okay, so I digress due to my personal views on medications, but I do feel strongly that emotional healing is a need for many on these forums so that we can push forward.

I love ya Phoebe, I value your support, your advice, and I love your fighting spirit.
God has a plan for both of us, and as we push forward, we will both find happiness no matter what it looks like.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Well, I had a good day! (Yeah!!!!!)

I saw my therapist and for some reason I felt incredibly awkward talking to him today. Maybe we're getting closer to the harder subjects? The I saw my GP, and she doubled my SSRI dose and gave me a higher dose of hydroxyzine for sleep. We'll see how it goes.

I went for a walk with the woman who hit on me, and she understands that I am not interested. She even suggested setting me up with her male dentist! Um... nope. I'm not interested in dating in any way shape or form right now - still married, still in limbo, still in... whatever state I'm in! She laughed and said she thinks sex would be good for me! Kind of funny, and I'll take it in the spirit it was intended - she wants me to feel better, just like everyone else. Anyway, I had fun talking and walking, so that was good. I'd be totally comfortable walking with her again.

I lost another of my chicks today, actually just a few minutes ago, so that was a bit of a bummer. She looked off this morning, so I wasn't that surprised. Still, it kind of svcks to lose two chicks within the first five days. Last year I didn't lose any. Chicks are delicate little things, I know, but I hope that's the end of the dying. I've done everything I can at this point. Their water has probiotics, electrolytes, and a medication to treat the protozoa that is almost certainly the cause of the two deaths. Nothing left to do but watch and wait.

So now I'm off to look up all the good things that everyone suggested I research. Some TED talks, and some specific experts.

I hope that it's a good night for everybody, with some high quality sleep.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Oops, SadHub. I think we were typing at the same time. I'm going back to read your post this moment. I was actually just on my way to your thread. Back in a few!


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Aww, I'm so sorry for the chicks. frown

Therapy appointments can be hit or miss sometimes. Maybe something you didn't feel like talking about.

I'm glad you had such a great walk and that this woman sounds like she'll be a comfortable and fun friend.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
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Hi SadHub. Thank you for all that you wrote. I value your support and help a great deal, and I feel a connection, too. I'm glad we both ended up here around the same time so that we could be here for each other.

I watched the Guy Winch talk you suggested (at the point you suggested, too, so you know I followed directions. Maybe it was the red type?? I'm laughing right now, just so you know!!!) I liked that talk very much, and I immediately knew who the woman on her first date "called." I've had chats with my own so-called phone friend.

I'm quite familiar with my alter ego - the evil anti-Phoebe. I try to keep her quiet, but sometimes she's a bit rowdy, and as you so rightly pointed out, she has been a bit loud lately. Maybe I should hit her with a 2x4?

Speaking of which, I didn't register anything you just wrote as a 2x4, by the way, SH. It was very gentle, and I really appreciate what is behind each word.

Take my word for it, if you met me in person, I'd be just as quirky as I am here after a little while, and I mean that in a good way. I like my quirkiness quite a bit, actually. The more comfortable I am with a person, the quirkier and sillier they will find me. And now that I write that, I think that is part of the reason I struggle so much with new people. I'm uncomfortable letting too much of myself show. Part of that is a lack of trust, part of it is simple shyness, and part of it is doubting myself.

And that is why writing here helps me sort things out. It took me 45 years to realize that I am awkward around new people because I don't feel comfortable showing them the real me. I am acting like someone that they will think is normal/typical, basically acting like someone else, and that feels strange and uncomfortable. So maybe it takes me a few decades, but I get there eventually. wink

I'm not saying that I'm now going to be willing to act silly around total strangers, but it does help to have realized something important about myself.

Anyway, enough of me. Thank you again, SH, for your caring and coaching and for liking me the way I am, scars and all. I hope you have a wonderful night, and know that I am very grateful for all the kindness you have shown me.

Chocolate and pencil smiles and bird-call meditations. smile


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
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Hi Phoebe!

It is good to see you have had a good day and I can see in your posts that you are in good spirits. This gives me joy.

Keep on being quirky! I love it.

Sweet dreams and may they contain chocolate, pencil smiles, bird meditation and some awesome neature hikes. That will have you energized and in good spirits when you wake. grin


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Quirky, quirky, quirky. Such a fun word, isn't it???


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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"I'm uncomfortable letting too much of myself show. Part of that is a lack of trust, part of it is simple shyness, and part of it is doubting myself.

And that is why writing here helps me sort things out. It took me 45 years to realize that I am awkward around new people because I don't feel comfortable showing them the real me. I am acting like someone that they will think is normal/typical, basically acting like someone else, and that feels strange and uncomfortable."

.....Ooh, the stuff by Brene Brown is going to be helpful I think..... smile xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sotto,
I am going to watch the talks by Brene Brown today. I have seen the recommendations for her several times.

Hope you had a good sleep my dear quirky sweet Phoebe. sleep


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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So I watched the Brene Brown talk, Sotto,and it was really good. I may go to find more of her work. You are absolutely right - her work is definitely right in my biggest area of need.

Still lots more stuff to go find yet, but I'm in process.

I'm not having the most motivated type of day, but I am working outside. It's just kind of a bit too warm and humid to want to do too much, and the garden is too dry to be able to weed!! I actually have to water it in order to be able to dig anything out!,, so the sprinkler is on the job.

I just got the cushions set up on my glider using and I'm going to go hang out and work on my grief recovery homework. I figure I can cover both relaxation and self-improvement in one happy chicken-watching, songbird-listening session! smile


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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I loved the Brene Brown talk. I am going to watch it several times as I need that a lot.

Phoebe, Google Guy Winch and loneliness , a great write up that will add to his talk. We can both use it in our situations.

Hope you are doing well and have a pencil and some chocolate handy. grin


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Well, I just got finished a nice evening of sewing with my mom, and she just left for home. We sewed a bunch of CHICKEN SADDLES, and then we got the birds into their new "clothes."

How quirky is that? smile

I have a bully in my flock and she is pulling out the feathers above the tails of a bunch of my chickens. The bully is one (or more) of the 5 that remain unscathed. A chicken saddle is like an apron, but worn backwards, that goes over their back to give them some added protection while their feathers regrow. Chickens can be brutal to each other. Once they expose pink skin they will never leave it alone.

I haven't had any more time to do research today besides the BB talk I watched, but I will be on that as soon as I can, SH and Co.!

So I was working on my relationship graph with my H this afternoon (while sitting outside enjoying a lovely day), and it was no fun whatsoever. It reminds me that in the last 3 years there were more negative than positive things to record. Of course, there is no way to record the good interactions between the actually incidents, so it's a bit misleading, but there was certainly a downward trend going on.

It's sad to see it written out in black and white. I'm doing OK. It's just sobering and difficult.

I need to make a final copy of the graph tomorrow and do a lot more work on my thought process and write about that, but the rough sketch is at least on paper. Tomorrow I need to get it done because I see my grief counselor on Friday.

So, I slept really strangely last night on the higher dose of hydroxyzine - restless and lots and lots of odd dreams, and woke up covered in sweat one time. I didn't have any nightmares, luckily, but if it happens again tonight then I don't think the hydroxyzine will work for me.

I hope that everyone gets some good sleep.. Good night!


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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CHICKEN SADDLES???

Ha ha. I have a mental picture, that is funny, but I imagine they are not what I envision.
Quirky is definitely the word I would use. I love it.

I cant wait to hear your take on the other material that I assigned your for homework.

I am sorry to hear about your restless sleep and odd dreams. If you need a chuckle at a weird dream check my thread.

I hope you find some rest. A weird idea that may help that I think helped me a bit.
My brother gave me the idea.

Take a night and just stay up all night and the next day. It can help reset your clock, because you will be drop dead tired the next night. I did not make it all night, but forced myself to wake early, but it was the start for me to get back on track.

What do you have to lose for trying. And no meds needed.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

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Yuk, sounds like that sleep med was not the right one!

Didn't we talk about Blu-Kote? Gentian violet? It sounds familiar... But I bet they are a lot cuter with saddles and I'd love to see pictures! I've read about how chickens are actually descendants of dinosaurs, and the new findings that support that dinosaurs had feathers - I wonder what the toy makers are thinking right now! An entire generation's images of dinosaurs are completely wrong!

That relationship graph sounds like heartbreaking work. I don't know if I could do that. I journal but I get to pick and choose what I write about.

Isn't it horrible that our partners put us in such a state that we need medication? frown


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
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Phoebe, glad you found BB helpful. She has done two TED talks and I also got a lot out of reading Daring Greatly (she's written other stuff but I haven't got around to reading that.) It was my greatest area of need too and has been incredibly helpful to me.

Have a good day Sweetie xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Good morning Phoebe,

I hope you found some rest in your sleep.

Start the day off with the happiness Ted talk as you arise. It will set a good tone for your day.

Pencil smiles, chocolate, neature, and do I say it?
Chicken Saddles!!!!

That just makes me giggle to say it. Hee hee tee hee. grin


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

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Hello, Hello!

Saddle-maker checking in for the day. I feel like I am rushed today and yet I am stalling. I watched there MR talk on habits of happiness, SH. Not sure if that's the one you meant of the Achors one, but I'll get to that one, too.

Today I have to call the woman I walked with earlier this week. Yesterday, no exaggeration, she sent me 5 emails and left me voicemail. She's trying to fix me. She sent me info on her therapist, her yoga class, her dance instructor, etc., etc. I'm tired just thinking about it, but I deflected her yesterday by email and said I'd call today, so I have to do that.

I can't BE fixed. I have to do that healing work for myself...

Then I have to finish up my relationship graph about my H. I'd definitely prefer to stall on that one, but time is up and I have that counselor tomorrow, so I have to finish. Than I'm helping my father with a project this afternoon and I need to go to my Weight Watcher's meeting this evening with my Mom. Still going for the social contact, not because I'm overweight. At all. I'm still down 30 pounds since BD, so it's not an issue.

Anyway, feeling a bit under the gun, time-wise on the relationship graph. Ugh. I wish I had another week to work on it in smaller doses, rather than the deep dive that is required.

Well, I'd better get to it. I just wanted to check in and say hello to everyone.

Saddle up and smile!


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Just checking back in for the evening. I've made no progress on my relationship graph whatsoever. It's messy and I wanted to at least copy it over, but I just can't seem to make myself do it. It's just going to have to be good enough the way it is. It has all of the information on it that I need to convey.

I agreed to go to yoga with my new fixer friend. I also conceded that I would go to get a massage at a place she recommends. I've never had a massage in my life, but I guess there's a first time for everything, right? I need to set that up still.

Tuesday is going to be busy and long! I'm meeting someone to go on a hike at 10, then my therapist at 2 in the afternoon, and yoga at 7, all quite a ways from the house, so the whole day is spoken for! That's probably a good thing. I might fit in a second hike by myself after the therapist, since I'll have a long block of time to kill.

Anyway, a pretty good day in the neighborhood today. Last night I left my new sleeping meds in the other house so I tried Benadryl again. I slept, but I kept waking up all night long.

SH, I may just do the cold turkey stay up a whole night route to try to reset myself, as you suggested, if I can't get a handle on it. I've done that in the past (a lot in college!), so it's certainly worth a try.

Neature moment: I can hear a barred owl calling outside right now. "Who cooks for you? Who cooks for you-allllllll!" They're one of my favorite birds. If you have never heard them, you should go look up their call. It's awesome to hear a pair in the woods, and they will even call during the daytime. When they really get animated, they sound like monkeys!

Peace, love, and tree frogs!! (They're calling tonight, too.)


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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A bit of journaling for the day…

I went over my relationship graph about my marriage today with the grief counselor. I 'just' had to tell her the story of my 25 year relationship, both the good and the bad. It wasn't easy relating 22 mostly really good years and then the downward slide over the last 3 years, a slide that confused me at the time and really still does to a large extent. In hindsight I see where H started to disengage and started sneaking around, lying, experimenting with drugs, etc., but at the time I was just in the dark, wondering wtf was going on and why my marriage just felt off and why we kept having these terrible troubles, seemingly out of nowhere.

The next step is to identify categories into which the events fall in terms of emotional incompleteness - were they points with undelivered emotional messages, are they times where I wish I could have apologized, or are they things I need of forgive? Or a mixture of those? None of these "actions" are for H, nor will they be shared with him. They are for me to understand what makes the relationship incomplete for me. It is this feeing of incompleteness that keeps a griever stuck in their grief.

I can't say I totally understand the process right now, but I know that I need to forgive H for his inability to talk to me about what was happening to him and what he needed from me, and on the other hand I need to acknowledge that I wish I had apologized for not being a good enough listener that he could feel safe delivering those messages to me. No, I won't be giving that apology to H, at least not in the foreseeable future unless there is some hope for R. Right now I don't hold out for that anymore.

Honestly, I'm not even sure what I would do if H expressed any interest in R. I'm uncertain, and I'm OK with that uncertainty at the moment. Right now I'm just gathering my strength because whatever comes next will be extremely difficult, no matter what it is. It feels a bit like the calm before the storm, but the storm forecast is unclear. I could get served tomorrow, or I might not hear anything for a long time. Weeks, months? I have no idea, really.

In the meanwhile, I'm just trying to figure out what my new life is going to look like.

So in new GAL activity news:

I am going ice skating on Thursday! Officially it's a Golden Skate for 50+ skaters, but my new friend tells me that they never check IDs, so I'm going! I hope there aren't many people there so that I can do more than just skate in silly circles. I want to practice!! Anyway, I'm looking forward to it and hope my feet won't blister all to pieces. I haven't skated in well over a year.

And instead of yoga on Tuesday, I'm going to a wind quintet concert. I figure after a morning hike with a new acquaintance and then a possible hike on my own after seeing my therapist, that's enough physical stuff for the day. I'm going to put my ears to work, instead!

I still have 6 healthy chicks, so I've got my fingers crossed that the attrition is over. Losing chicks is no fun at all.

Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend!


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
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Hi Phoebe,

How cool that you are trying new things! I hope you get a good massage therapist. Don't go for something crazy, just get a nice, relaxing Swedish massage, that will give you the best experience for a first time.

If you feel a good connection with the massage therapist, you may want to share that you are going through a traumatic time. A massage can sometimes trigger unexpected reactions when there are a lot of emotions present.

I hope you slept well (or stayed up all night??). I fall asleep at night, but wake up early with thoughts of H and OW.

I got to admit that I really enjoy not having to drive all over carnation anymore, like you describe. Work is 3 minutes away, grocery store 5 minutes, therapist 7 minutes, etc. And I actually see rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks, and tons of birds every day. grin I'm happily escaped from the country... But I bet it's nicer where you are, not hot and humid and itchy grass like where I moved from.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
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I realize we just cross-posted - I'm interested in the relationship review you are doing.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
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Well, it was plenty warm and humid today. I just tried to buy an air conditioner with no success. Today I realized that mine are at my out-of-state house, and no way am I going back out there. I'm kicking myself for not remembering when I was out there a few weeks ago. I'm not going back.

Anyway, I drove 30 minutes to Walmart tonight and they were sold out! Ugh. I've been driving all day it seems, 4 hours for the grief counseling and then another hour for this wild goose chase. It does get old sometimes. frown

Normally I prefer to stay at home a lot more, but these days I need to be out and about and seeing and meeting people.

The relationship timeline is tough.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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I took a while to find this and answered in the other thread.

Farm life really is the up and down of life, it's why I was soo stunned when I was knocked for 6 by h. Death is a part of life in the country along with loss. It's never been a problem for me before ever.

I think my biggest thing was with each deal breaker which was one after another after another ..... And xh2 made them seem like just well I accidentally made a mistake forgetting to lock the house is an accident (although xh2 treated that like a major betray)

Hitting is not a mistake it's a huge Monumetal thing. It's a betrayal of trust.

To build on all those betrayals month after month the m was doomed but that's what xh2 wanted he's still wants me to leave him everything we Bulit and walk away even tho my blood sweat and tears were in there as well. He can rebuild he can move on with his ow he made those choices now own them.


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T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
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It's so good to hear you sounding like you are in a better place. Your GAL sounds lovely.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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Good morning Phoebe!

You are GALing the heck out things these days. You sound to be doing very well. Ice skating, yoga, massages, work around your place, baby chicks, chicken saddles....
Wow.

You mention that you do lots of driving. This is a great time to listen to books on CD. I know that driving so much can be rough, and I like to use the time to listen to great material for my mind. Have you done this?

Keep at it, you are doing really well. And I love seeing my dear Phoebe on a good path.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Well, my happy place is coming to a very abrupt end. I came back to my home this morning to find a crappy green construction-paper-type business card on my door indicating that I am supposed to call some group about a legal issue.

So... I am about to be served. I am pretty angry. He couldn't be bothered to send me an email, call me, anything? He also did it on a holiday weekend to be sure that I can't contact and retain my own attorney for days? i am beyond disappointed int this human being.

Just had a complete breakdown, had my therapist on the phone for 20 minutes tearing to calm me down. Still doing really badly. Xanax taken, but no relief.

SO calculating to do it on he first day of a holiday weekend.

The man I though I knew is gone.

I can't breathe very well. Waiting of my mom to come over, but she's not here yet.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Crashing.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Phoebe,

Hear me. Your reaction is to be expected. Acknowledge the feelings pouring through. Stay in the moment as you acknowledge them. Do not think about tomorrow, avoid looking back into the past.
You have been healing and strengthening yourself for this moment.

Be gentle with yourself. Stop and try mindful meditation. Post here as you need. Find a way to be with someone.
And force a smile from time to time today. I will ask you to google this meditation on YouTube. I do this cautiously as it is meant to make you smile, but some who find vulgarity offensive may not appreciate it, so only look for it if you really need a smile and vulgarity is not offensive for you. ( I will not be offended if you choose not to)
Google f*ck that meditation


There is no rush to worry about contacting a L until the weekend is over. You don't need to respond to the card until you do next week.

Breath. Acknowledge. Focus on your next steps. Stay in the moment.

My heart breaks for you, and I will be here close by all weekend to listen to you, provide verbal comfort, whatever you need to help you in this moment of need.

I went through it and know what you are experiencing. You will make it through. And I will hold your hand as you do.

(((Phoebe)))


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

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Phoebe Sweetie, I am sorry to hear that and of course you must feel so upset. I recall the day I received draft D papers via email. I came home from work and cried and cried. RD on this forum kindly sat and had a glass of wine with me that evening, which I shall never forget. I didn't tell anyone else until the following days. But I did find that after 24 hours I was able to regroup a little and keep moving forward.

Try not to worry about any pre-meditation and it was the bank holiday weekend and so on. Just focus on working through the grief and there is plenty of time to seek advice and respond rather than react.

I would like to say that in general (and with the parts you can control) you are doing really well, and I think you are right where you need to be at this point in time. If he has chosen to file for D, that's on him and something you don't get to control. However, you do get to choose how you respond.

I'm a little further down the road than you and my H did see things right through to D. In a way (didn't realise this until some time had passed) it helped me that he has filed as I didn't need to make that decision myself after a long period of limbo. Others in the MLC part of the forum have longish sitches and H's that haven't filed and it is a tough decision to have to make.

Hope your Mum has arrived and will look after you. Keep posting and know that we are all here to help xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

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Well, still crying. Still shaking, but not hyperventilating,so that's something I guess.

I'm such an idiot. I never did fund that individual account I set up, so if the accounts lock, I've got very little access to money. I've already gotten the "I told you so" reprimand from my dad. Empathy is in short supply around here. I just didn't want to start the financial tit-for-tat cascade that often starts when one person starts moving money around. Even H told me I should move some money over to it. Feeling so f-Ing stupid. He deserved none of my trust and yet I still gave it to him.

He is not a good person.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
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Phoebe,

Hang in there. Focus on your plan. No looking back at the shoulda woulda coulda's.
I already did all that for both of us the past couple of months, and I am still standing. Focus on getting to a place of clear thought for now. The other stuff will work its way out. it just seems to have a way of doing so.
Move the money on Tuesday. Its all community money until the divorce is final. Your L will advise you and assist.
Now is the time to focus on facts and truths. Emotions do not help in divorce processes. My STBXW found that out the hard way and she left and filed the D.

Anyway, enough of that from me.
Lets get you to a place that is comfortable. Lets focus on an action or activity that can force your focus on that.
Trust me, if I could go back, I would do that. All my worrying changed nothing. No use in paying the price twice, I say.

What can I do to help today. Let me know. i am here for you.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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I'm going to go find the f that meditation you suggested.

I like the name Sparrow Hawk.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
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I'm lying outside and was listening to that and it had me laughing until a beautiful little vireo hit the window above my head. She looked really messed up, and made some awful little distress calls, but then she flew to a tree nearby. I hope she'll be OK.

I'm going to try listening to it again and hope another bird doesn't try to hurt itself.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
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Oh I do hope the lil bird is okay. Crazy birds running into windows.

And it is good to hear you found some laughter. grin

Anyway, that little meditation has some more meaning to me other than being funny.
My youngest brother went through a dark time in college mentally and while he was on some pain meds he screwed around with a gun. He said thoughts of suicide crossed his mind, but he did not do it. He told someone after as a way to unload it from his chest, and this created a series of events that forever changed his life. Therapists, meds, therapy, loss of opportunities due to therapists and meds, etc,

The point he shares with me and his turning that around for himself, was the day he sat down and said. "F*ck this sh!t and anyone that does not accept me for who I am."

He promptly stopped taking the meds, discontinued seeing the therapists, and swears he has been fine ever since. He is very successful and fears very little. He did take other steps to get his fear out, like jumping out of planes, riding motorcycles etc. But he has been a rock for me in my time of need and I did not understand his story as he would share it with me and tell me I am not broken as I was feeling. i am starting to understand it now, and when I heard this meditation. it was perfect. Funny, but has meaning as well.

I hope my little story here distracts you for a few minutes, and maybe has a nugget of hope for you.

I am still checking in on you .


Me 46 Former W 46
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BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

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Thank you, SparrowHawk. I really appreciate it and am very grateful to know that you are checking in on me today. It's been a hard one. Setting my goals very small today- make it through the next hour. With Xanax. I was on the phone with my T and I could barely even open the pill bottle I was shaking so much.

Talked to my neighbor friend a while ago, and she was lovely.

I feel like I'm in exile because I don't want to go home and have the damn server find me. Is it silly to try to dodge it for the holiday weekend? I'm so disgusted that it's come to this. After giving my love to this man for 25 years I didn't even earn the curtesy of an email? Or even a text? This is not OK.

A couple months ago he said that we're both good people and we both deserve to be happy, but he stopped being a good person some time ago.

Here comes the next wave of sadness. I don't want to be this helpless victim, but wtf? There is nothing that I could have done to deserve this method he has chosen. If he wanted out, then he should have said so, and not left a huge path of destruction in his wake. I'm angry and sad and disgusted and devestated and worse, I'm so unsure of myself now. I never doubted myself like I do now.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
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I am so sorry! I wish I were there!

It may not be his doing that they did it on a holiday weekend. I don't think he could control that.

At work, more later.

(((((Phoebe)))))


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
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Originally Posted By: Phoebe
Thank you, SparrowHawk. I really appreciate it and am very grateful to know that you are checking in on me today. It's been a hard one. Setting my goals very small today- make it through the next hour. With Xanax. I was on the phone with my T and I could barely even open the pill bottle I was shaking so much.


Talked to my neighbor friend a while ago, and she was lovely.

Good. Keep up with doing the little things to move hour to hour today.

I feel like I'm in exile because I don't want to go home and have the damn server find me. Is it silly to try to dodge it for the holiday weekend? I'm so disgusted that it's come to this. After giving my love to this man for 25 years I didn't even earn the curtesy of an email? Or even a text? This is not OK.

Try not to overthink this. What will happen, will happened. Focus on the efforts that you will take next week with your L. Emotions out. Facts and gory details in. I know it feels icky, but it will get easier. I promise. Been there. Done that.

A couple months ago he said that we're both good people and we both deserve to be happy, but he stopped being a good person some time ago.

You don't believe anything he says. That applied now to anything he said a couple of months ago. Avoid the rumination as best you can today.

Here comes the next wave of sadness. I don't want to be this helpless victim, but wtf? There is nothing that I could have done to deserve this method he has chosen. If he wanted out, then he should have said so, and not left a huge path of destruction in his wake. I'm angry and sad and disgusted and devestated and worse, I'm so unsure of myself now. I never doubted myself like I do now.

Let the waves pass. You are not a helpless victim. You are simply a wounded person. Now apply some emotional first aid, and then lets get to work. You say you doubt yourself..Let me tell you why you can acknowledge this and let it pass. You doubt yourself, the same way a heavy weight boxer does when a punch knows him woozy. He can't think straight, his legs are wobbly and he finds himself on the ground. There are 2 options here. Get up and keep fighting because you have trained for this. Or stay down for the count. Now you my dear Phoebe have been training for this moment. You have been coached by many here in this community. You have read DB/DR. You have been seeing different specialists to help you strengthen yourself from the other blows you have received.
And you are running your home and land like a boss. Tractors? Chicken saddles? squirrel surgery? Seriously, you do all this and still doubt? NO WAY. I am not buying this bill of goods from you today my dear Phoebe. You got nothing to doubt.
And you have coached me through some tough times. So stay in the moment. And you got this.





Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Thank you, SH. I know I'm not helpless, and that's why I said I don't want to be a helpless victim. I'm not, but I'm just kind of reeling. It's all this doubt. Whatever else, I always felt sure of myself and my life. Well, now that life has been upended and nothing feels quite right. It's a bit like not trusting gravity.

I just spent the last few hours with my new friend, the one who once hit on me, but who has become a sudden and unexpected source of comfort and company. I told her I was going to see some random movie at the inexpensive theater I go to, and she asked if I might want to meet and walk, instead. We just walked and talked for a few hours and while we were at the park she spotted a friend of hers who is a lawyer and he gave me some really good advice and is going to recommend a D lawyer for me.

It's been a tough day, but I've kept myself together since that last wave hit this afternoon.

Last night I slept without any meds, but I'm not even going to try doing that tonight. Mentally, I'm exhausted. I should probably eat, but I'm not feeling very motivated.

My therapist wants me to call and check in tomorrow. I didn't know that therapists were like this. I'm used to doctors that are done with you when your 15 minutes are up. It's good to know he really is there for me, even when the office is closed.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
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Way to recover from the blow today. You are doing the right things. Walking and talking with a friend who has a friend that is an L.

Things like this happen because you have been preparing and putting in the work.
I firmly believe that when one puts in the work when it is hard, that good things will happen and opportunity will present itself.

I am so happy to see that you got back up so quick today.

To all that read this, Phoebe is an example of what goes right when you do things when it is tough.

I know Phoebe, that you have a ways to go on this journey, but today is a day that you will look back and say, "I can handle the tough moments, and I will get back up and continue to move forward.

(((Phoebe)))

Sleep well tonight You earned it today. Meds or no meds, you earned it,


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Phoebe,

I just caught up on your sitch. I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you.

You are strong and recovering well. SH has been a huge supporter to you and given great advice.

Let the emotions flow through you and the healing will start.
The days will get better.
I am praying for you my dear Phoebe. Sleep well tonight.

(((((Phoebe))))


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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It sounds like you met this woman for a reason! I am so happy you spoke with a L, it is so empowering.

Yes, take your meds tonight on a schedule. You need sleep.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
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Thank you SH, JimKao, and Painter. You are very kind. I feel like I'm just about making it through on an hourly basis.

I just took my sleep meds and now I'm going to give them at least an hour to reach their peak. I have a headache and am kind of nauseous. I knew I had to go back into the circus tent eventually, but I guess I was just hoping I'd get more time to build myself up before that point. And I was still hoping that H might one day wake up and realize he really did still want our M. False hopes. No one I talk to can understand why I'd ever consider taking him back after what he's done, but I guess I just wanted to believe I might have my life back. I knew that was over, but I clung to all the hopeful things H said for those first 3 months. That was cruel.

My friend tonight said, 'well, I think your therapy will progress faster now.' I guess it can, now that reality has hit me over the head. I wish it weren't a holiday weekend; I'd very much like to see my therapist before Tuesday.

I'm hurting a lot tonight. I'm going to sign off before I start crying again. I'm going to read a book for some distraction. Good night, my friends. Thank you for caring about me.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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And thank you, too, Sotto. Your support has helped me a great deal.


H: 44, Me: 45
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Walk away: 12/15
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May you have sweet dreams this night Phoebe.
Visions of pencil smiles, neature walks, chocolate, chicken saddles and being the woman that a fool is walking a way from dancing in your head.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and I will check in with you in the morning.

(((Phoebe)))


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

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Originally Posted By: Phoebe
And I was still hoping that H might one day wake up and realize he really did still want our M. False hopes. No one I talk to can understand why I'd ever consider taking him back after what he's done, but I guess I just wanted to believe I might have my life back. I knew that was over, but I clung to all the hopeful things H said for those first 3 months. That was cruel.



Yes, yes and yes. I know exactly what you feel. H has continued to say hopeful things to me until I left! It is cruel.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
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Just checking in on you Phoebe and hope you managed to get a reasonable night. I understand your comment about hoping to get your life back. For most of us, BD irrevocably changes our lives and the old R effectively comes to an end. Whether it can be rebuilt just depends on whether both parties want to try again at some point.

Receiving papers needn't be the end of hope. If you want to stand in hope of a restored M at some future point, that is up to you. I stood for my own M until the D was finalised. However I'm not a stander after D and that's my choice.

You may not get your old life back - but for sure as one door painfully closes another does open and there will be much happiness, warmth and joy in your life to come. You just need to keep moving towards that - it takes time but we get there.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I can understand how you feel. I remember being in a daze after the D was finalised and being unable to find my car for the next 1 hour.

This all seems so unreal, doesn't it?

(((Phoebe)))

Your H is an a$$ left behind by the body snatchers. They may or may not return him but in the meantime, he is the cowardly a$$ that he is, and you must not expect him to act like how he used to be.

Do what you need to make you feel better. If you don't want the D, then don't help it go through faster.

Do you think you would feel better with family around? Would your parents be able to be with you?


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Try and keep strong, it's the hope that hurts the most!

You can have a great life without him.


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Good morning Phoebe.

I see that you have not posted in over 7 hours, so I am going to make a positive assumption that you have been sleeping. And sleep is what you need after the trials of yesterday.

Now, be sure and eat a healthy and hearty breakfast, as a sound diet can benefit both the body and mind, and you need to be physically fit, so you can maintain a healthy mind.

Next, set a good plan for today that will keep you busy, and distracted with things that can provide joy, a smile, and even some laughter. As with the food, you may not feel like it, but force yourself to do it. Watch the TedTalks on happiness that I suggested if you need a kick start.

You will have a better day today. It will take some effort, but I will be here to coach you through. Your " training " is not over, and we have some work a head of us, but we can do this. You can do this. You will do this.

Meditate. 3 minutes. Smile. Pencils. Care for the baby chicks. Saddle up. Neature. Watch out for the tree poop. ( hopefully you watched that episode. D5 said that yesterday on our walk and it made me giggle how she recalled that from the neature vids)

Spread you wings today. Repeat these words frequently.

I can
I must
I will.

Google these words with the name Eric Thomas. He is someone I follow on YouTube, he has gone through some crazy times in life, and he inspires me to keep going when I least feel like I can do it.

I will be back shortly to see how you are doing.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

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Good morning. I did sleep last night, on the order of 8 hours of hydroxyzine-induced sleep that I so needed.

I'm still lying in bed, wishing I could sleep the day away, but no such luck. First thoughts of the day - all about H. Ugh. Back to that again. I wrote him a super brief email yesterday day wondering if the legal card had something to do with him, but no response at all. That probably says all I need to know. Every other time I've sent him anything he has responded quickly. This one he's not touching.

Tired and want to sleep more. I think I'm going to lay here a bit longer and just veg.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
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C'mon Phoebe! Vegging will just let the mind wander and we don't want that this morning.

I know it will take some effort to shake the sleepy meds and focus on something other than H.

Put some good things into the mind. A Certain 3 minute meditation will make you smile. Then use that energy to get moving.

You can do it. You need it this morning.

I am here cheering you on, so don't make me go get a 2x4..... wink


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

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Glad you got a full night! I slept about 6 hours on meds and am also still in bed. Woke as usual with the WH situation on my mind. Have to work at noon so still have time to lay here and ruminate. Need to walk the dog shortly.

Wish I also could not think of H and OW first thing in the morning (and most of the day). Need a channel changer for the brain!

It's hard to have to deal with these things, but it sounds like you by now have a good support system in place and have had a time-out to recover a little from last round... It's awful but there's no way around it. Lean on your L and all the others who support you. Be patient and kind with yourself.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
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Ok. I lay here for 2 hours, trying to fall back to sleep to no avail, but it was comfortable and warm and cozy. Those are good things, so I call it a bit of nice me time.

I did listen to the f-that meditation again and the comment about the 3-ring sh1t show gets me every time. More circus analogies!!

It's a shaky morning. I can feel it when I'm laying still. That's OK. I'm going to ignore it. Time toget up and do this.

I'm thinking of the kids song: Just put one foot in front of the other, and soon...

I looked that and up just now, and it is from yet another old animated Christmas program. What's with me and the Christmas stuff lately?


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
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Maybe because the only "gift" H gave me for Christmas was an email telling me he wanted to live apart?

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. One thing I know for sure is that I am going to try very hard to keep it that way, despite all this circus stuff.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
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H filed for D 5/16
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I'm never gonna be able to go to the circus again now that it has been related to such a crazy time in our lives. Lol

Yes, it is important that we keep sacred good times and seasons for ourselves in spite of others committing crimes against us during those times.
Keeping it as a happy time for yourself ensures you are keeping the power for yourself.


Put one foot in front of the other.......


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

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I'm with you, SparrowHawk, a circus will always be a three-ring sheet show in my mind now! smile

So I'm stuck in my house without a car and no phone to call for a ride back to my car. Looks like I'm going to get in a nice hot hour's walk today unless I go beg my neighbors for a ride. Bummerific development. The walk would be great, but in 90 humid degrees, well... not so much, and thunderstorms are coming, too. I could wait until my parents realize they haven't heard from me, but I said I'd be a few hours, so I'd be waiting quite a whilee and I have things I need to do today.

My other task while I was in the house was to call my therapist to let him know how I'm doing. Can't do that, either.

So, the chicks are doing well, the chickens are well, the cats are well, and I am... well, obviously I'm a bit scattered!

I'm also feeling kind of numb and generally down, shaking, the usual stuff, but letting out a few deep breaths of f-that. smile

OK. I've got 3 miles to walk before the storms arrive, so no time like the present, right?! Have to change into lighter clothes, though, or my nice shower will have been for naught.

Thank you SH and Painter and everyone else for keeping up with me. It means a lot to know that you are out there.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
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So I did my walk to retrieve my phone, and it was good to be outside, of course. I live I such a beautiful part of the world, and it's too easy to take it for granted. The birds had a lot to say, even if it's harder to see them now that the trees have leafed out.

The thunderstorms have arrived, and I am pinned down in my car at the moment, waiting for them to pass, so I came to this site!! Shocker, right?

So I guess I'm in some kind of holding pattern until the holiday is over. I don't know why on earth H couldn't have contacted me himself instead of this coward's approach. Of course, this is the same man who literally ran away from home l, followed by an email, rather than tell me to my face that there was a problem, so I shouldn't be surprised. I just am.

Still no reply from H to my email. Par for the course, now that he's got other people to do his communicating for him.

Oh well. I'm hanging in there today. No tears so far, which is also pretty shocking, but says a fair bit about how far I've come, I guess. Yesterday's tsunami has passed, and now there's just more cleanup. I'm not perky, but I'm OK.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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I guess in one way you can see it as a positive that he is so ashamed he can't even contact you. I don't think it's indifference.

It would be nice if they had a little bit of the person we thought they were left in them.

Glad you made it to your car before the storm! Did it break down? It sounds like the walk did you good. smile


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
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I love to hear an edge in your posts. You indicated to painter that you have not really felt anger much in this.
I experience the same. Funny thing is WAW convinced me over the years that I was an angry person. But that is a story for another time.
My point is that you may not be feeling the rage anger, but your posts since the 3 minute meditation have an edge to them that I think is good. There is some anger in there. And it is good. I think anger has a place and for me it aids me in thinking straight.

So this thing about your car and cell phone. Did your car break down? Why the long walk to the car?

Not that it is all important to know and all, but I thought I missed a post as I read that.

You sound good today and that is yet another sign of how far you have come. After yesterday you have performed brilliantly today.

Keep the meditation up and smile big. You are awesome and don't you forget that.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Oh man. I had written a whole post and then goofed up and closed the window on my phone before I hit 'submit.' Drat.

Well, it's too late to start again now. I'll update tomorrow. I'm giving up on sleep for a little bit. My GP says I should not just lay here, that I should read or something. I'm going to go suck to my books. I just wanted to be sure my post got submitted. I disappeared it, instead.

Ah well. If that's today's worst event, the ID say I did really well.

Hope everyone is sleeping already. You, too, Painter, my fellow night owl.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Ok, in my posting chaos, I missed your post, SH!

I've been dodging the possibility of an encounter with a process server this weekend, so I'm staying away from my place as much as I can right now. I know they'll get me eventually, but why ruin a perfectly iffy holiday with another slap of reality??? My parents went to my place to work a project. I decided I had some stuff I wanted to do, too, so I had them leave me there and I told them I'd call when I needed a ride. (no car in the driveway = stealth mode). Just one flaw in the plan - I left my phone back at their house. Oops.

So, I was stranded with no car and no phone, so I walked to their house (and my car) which is a bit over 3 miles. Car's totally fine, by the way.

The reason I was pinned down in my car after that was because of a torrential thunderstorm. I went out to buy a couple things and had to pull over it got so bad. I happened to pull into a McDonalds, so I thought I'd get some lunch, but it was too awful to open my car door. So... I stopped in to see how everyone was doing here. smile

Yes, I'm good at making a long story… even… looooongerrr! Sorry 'bout that.

Anyway, I'm not particularly angry, even now, but I am starting to feel like I'm moving on a bit.

I talked to my friend's lawyer friend for about 40 minutes tonight. Only part of that was about my sitch, and the rest was about biking and skiing. I think I may have found another possible new friend, and I'll take every one of those I can gather up these days. He Invited me to bike with him, so he may be my new biking friend. My possible hiking friend get together is next week (I was supposed to hike with her Tuesday, but the silly legal monkey wrench got tossed into the ring and mussed my plans), and I have a new waking and talking friend (who introduced me to the L).

This L is not a divorce attorney, unfortunately, but it's still cool that he's willing to advise me and recommend L's I should talk to. On a holiday weekend, no less.

Feeling cautiously optimistic in the making new friends department.

I don't know about being edgy, but goofy I can do, and that f-that meditation tickled my funny bone. Still laughing about hearing it playing when I tried to call my therapist! That was great.

Now I need to try to hit the hay again. 'Night everyone. I hope you are all asleep already. Only crazy insomniacs are still awake in this time zone!


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Ah, the secret agent stealth mode. I love it.
Enjoy this weekend, and let me tell you. When you are served, stand tall, look the server in the eyes and thank them for the service. Do it with all the confidence of a championship boxer. You may be nervous under the surface, but you won't show that as you stare down the server with that boxer mentality. Growl a little bit if you have to to really intimidate him. Grrrrrr mad
Practice this in fromt of the mirror. First it will make you giggle. And second it will provide you with confidence. Trust me, as I look back, I wish I would have demonstrated more confidence. This process is not near the death blow it felt like at the time.
Take it from me, you have been preparing for this for months. Nothing changes your current living life situation by having this move forward. You are already living a life on your own. The paperwork changes nothing.

Also, I love the edgy humor. It may not have anger in it, actually as I say this I know that it is not really anger. I believe my WAW accused me of anger because I tended to have the " edgy humor" approach. It suits you and adds one more layer to what makes Phoebe so awesome and cool. One more aspect that someone will find attractive in you. I do. wink

Make it a great day my dear Phoebe.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Mine still throws out hooks and I have a live in bf these days.

So go figure! crazy bag of fruits and Nuts anyone

Anyone anyone

I let crickets answer that.


M 46 h54
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T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
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He can always hope, right Ggrass? (unfounded optimism never stops a lot of people) Plainly he eventually realized he really was a fool to leave you. HIs loss.

I'm hanging out at my place today, but I've stashed the car in a place that's hard to see from the road. Yes this subterfuge is ridiculous, and probably not worth bothering with. I have to ask my new bicyling/lawyer friend if I should just break down and call the process servers back.

Also entertaining the idea of calling H to ask him what triggered the legal process. He said himself that he wanted everything to be discussed and agreed upon if we went this route. None of this makes sense. Still no reply to the email I sent him.
_____

back a while later:

Well, I just spoke to new bicycle/L friend and he says I shouldn't call the server. I should let them track me down and earn their pay without making it any easier on them. He also recommended a specific L to talk to first tomorrow. He said that when I get whatever papers the server is bringing that he will review them for me. New friends can be good things, huh?

So, today has been a surprisingly reasonable day! My appetite is poor, sleep is meh, but shaking is manageable. Tomorrow may be a different story, but I'm rolling with today! I talked to three people on the phone, had breakfast with my mom, and then my dad helped me install my air conditioner, so a whole lot of positive social contact today.

Tomorrow morning, time to contact yet another lawyer. Sigh. I so enjoyed my time outside the circus tent. I knew it couldn't last forever, but I was hoping for a little longer. A girl can dream, right?

Then I see my therapist in the afternoon, most likely a hike at my new favorite park, and then I think I'm going to a concert in the evening for something a bit new - a classical wind offset of the local symphony.

GAL and get a L????

Hope everyone had a good day today.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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It's not a fun process. It's hard to clean up the broken pieces from the floor, but I guess we have to. Personally, I do better when I have concrete tasks to handle - if I can calculate finances, figure out how to deal with a contracts, research - that makes me feel more empowered.

I notice there are a lot of other/new people in your life and I wonder if that might be why you're feeling better, or at least coping better than you expected? You have support and you're not alone, and you can talk to someone about your situation (and some can give you real advice).

It sounds like you have a good day set up for tomorrow. Can you go with someone to the symphony? Now you got me thinking I want to look for outdoor concerts... The weather here is so nice.

Did you do any more planning for your road trip?

Son and I did some nice things today, I can tell the fresh air makes me feel better. He came and picked me up for lunch at work yesterday and we ate outside, and I was able to eat an entire bowl of soup. Today, I ate a burger for dinner! Felt really hungry after a walk at a dog park that is a little further away, but much bigger (9 acres).

Otherwise I've had a crazy communication with WH but I've posted that in my own thread. I feel like I live in an episode of 20/20 or Dateline.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Phoebe,

I am glad to hear you had a better day. I agree with Painter it is not a fun process but the days will get better. They have for me, you will become stronger and yourself again with time. Hang in there and I hope you get some good advice from the L you speak with tomorrow.

Sleep well!

(((Phoebe)))


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Good evening Phoebe.

You are sounding better today. The PMA is really coming through. Keep this up and the physical will get back to normal.

Your efforts with GAL and meeting new people are awesome. Who would of known, as it was a couple of months ago I recall a certain introvert sharing with us that was not really her thing. wink

Look at you know. Doors are opening up for you and you are making great progress.

I am really proud of you.

Sleep well tonight.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Oh, it still isn't my thing, SH!!! Thank you for the praise, though.

I mean, the walking friend hit on me the first time I met her, and the biking/L potential friend is male.

Danger, Will Rogers!

I am so incredibly naive in this department! I mean, I met H as a kid, really, and I've been out of the whole singles scene for my entire adult life. I never really learned how to navigate the waters.

I'm looking for friendship, and only friendship, but that may, or may not be what another person has in mind. I've lost any skill I once has in recognizing the difference. I thought by focusing on meeting women that I could eliminate any potential romantic issues, but even there I ran into deep water. I am astounding unsure of how to proceed. No way am I interested in anything romantic with anyone, but I do need and want friendship. I'm good at talking to people one on one, but dealing with these underlying currents... Not so much.

It doesn't help that for my whole life I have always 'clicked' better with men than women. I'm just not at all girly, so a lot of common feminine subjects don't resonate with me. I've never had a manicure, and I don't like shopping. I wouldn't recognize a Jimmy Choo if someone hit me over the head with one. My first best friend was a boy! It's the reason I was so bonded to H, and also a big reason I have had so few friends over the years. Marriage makes opposite gender friendships risky.

Anyway, I have a lot to learn about making friends, that's for certain. Fodder for therapy, I suspect.

JimKao, thank you for your good wishes and support.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Hi Phoebe, glad to read that you are doing well. And like others say - I'm proud of you!! You are pushing forward even though challenging things are happening for you - a true measure of your character.

As for the friendships with others. One thing I have had to learn is how to look after myself in new situations. Codependent no more is useful for this. The fundamental question is always - is this working for me? Is this okay with me? If not - follow up question - what do I need to do to look after myself in this situation?

I think this leads to more honest and authentic relationships - where I'm not trying to please people in order to earn acceptance - but where I am turning up as 'me' and would like friendship, but equally can say if something isn't working for me.

Hope this helps anyway Sweetie and hope you have a good day today. I would agree that it's probably not worth avoiding the process server. Why should you hide away from anything?? Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Phoebe,

Don't kid your self, I doubt xh2 has decided he lost me.

He's throwing out he has to hook me back into his drama so I stop the L. That is all.
A man that did what he did knows what he did was beyond what most folks would call one off behiavours. Some I will, never disclose to close to personal.

He chose plan b which wasn't me. I Did the work, he has not it's a given. Something they tell you db is your spouse can tell if you have remotely changed I do feel in some ways different other ways I'm not changed. I'm pretty sure tho xh2 thinks I have and has noticed.

I have noticed tho IMHO he has not changed, not done the work nor has he left the ow.
For a m all three would have to happen or be happening. Putting aside bf, which I'm not leaving.

The fact he thinks he can throw crumbs snap his fingers and will run back begging again.
He expects more of the same. No deal the one 180 was no running no begging.


M 46 h54
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T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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I'm sorry, Ggrass. I was really just trying to be a bit silly. I am not up to speed n your sitch, so I don't know what your H has done. Your 180 of not running not begging is a position of strength and empowerment, and one I admire very much.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Well, no progress at all on the legal front. I talked to the L I saw locally about a month ago, and we'll talk about the pairs I get served with.

I have a voicemail in with someone else, but she hasn't returned my call.

I feel like I belong in a soap opera these days. So much silly drama!!!


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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That should be "papers" I get served with.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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I was just telling a friend that I sometimes watch the Kardashians to feel better about my own life. wink

I hope you get a L who can help you make some headway soon.

I'm having a better day than yesterday and this morning. It's amazing how it can change.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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I'm so glad to hear that, Painter!!!

I'm stuffing down some food and them I'm going to that free classical concert. Fun!


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Pairs. Papers. If they are served its all the same right?!? Lol.

Keep up the good spirits for this. It really is not as bad as it sounds.
Have you practiced in the mirror looking the process server in the eyes and thanking them for the service....while growling ...grrrrrrr mad


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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OMG. I wrote a small novella talking about my day and then my phone died. All gone. Seriously???

I may have even written the great American novel! Lol. Still it was a good hour's worth of work, gonzo.

I did demonstrate the growling technique for my Mom this morning, so I think I'm nearly ready to face the big bad server, SH. I don't suspect that I'm going to be very easy to track down. I'm doing stuff everyday all over the place and have no routine.

So. Here's a much briefer outline of my day. It's all about brevity this time around:

-The morning was kind of rough once I started making my legal phone calls, back to my quaking aspen impersonation, so I had the breakfast of champions. Xanax.

-I got nowhere with any of the three new places I called. One didn't serve my county, and the other said my household income was too high. I called one or ate attorney and spoke with her assistant who said she would call me within a couple hours, but nothing all day. That wasn't good for z first impression.

-I spoke with the L I saw locally about a month ago. I may go pay him for another hour to see what my chances are to get my case heard in my home state vs. H's state.

-I saw my therapist today, ehich was good. Talked about H way too much, but given the H-induced breakdown this poor man had to talk me down from on Saturday, I guess it's to be expected. He sent me home with a book on rebuilding one's life after divorcing. I guess that's the stage I'm at these days. Chance of any R is pretty minimal. Another book I just bought compared the truly repentant cheater who want to work at the R a "unicorn." A rare and magical beast. I'm just working on me these days.

-I did my post-therapy-therapy again today, a 2 hour or so hike in the park nrlearby. I love being out and hiking again.

- I did go to that wind quintet concert and it was great. My walking (and now classical music) friend actually coordinates s classical concert MeetUp group. I went on her personal invitation, but one of the real group members went on the tree walk a couple weekends ago. I even remembered her name, so that was cool.

-After the concert, we (myself and walk/music friend) walked around town for at least Anoth hour z d a half, so I'd say I got in plenty of good exercise.

-Got a new tube out I my flat bike tire. That literally took about 4 minutes. I felt like I presented my tire to a NASCAR pit crew! Awesome.

So, to sum it all up (FINALLY - Clif Notes), the day started tough but got really good as the day went on. I was certainly busy all day long. Legally, no actual progress whatsoever.

My new L friend did a lot of hand-holding for me today via text as I worked my way through all the legal calls. His main message: there is no real urgency here. It's a time to be thorough and deliberate. It really helped to hear that.

Well, it's after 2am and I need sleep. Last night I didn't do too well, so I'm hoping for more ZZZs tonight.

Holy cow. This was the SHORTER version???? The other one must have bee 2x this. Scary.

I wish everyone a peaceful night and a beautiful morning.

Almost forgot! I had s gray fox vocalizing in my yard just after midnight tonight. It was super cool!


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Please pardon all the fat finger issues above. Journaling on a smart phone is t all it's cracked up to be.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Phoebe, I hear you about the fat fingers. wink

I wonder if you reread your own posts. If you do, what do you get from them? Are you unbiased enough to hear the strength, the calm and the resourcefulness emanating from it?

Phoebe, you are a strong woman. Sure, you may falter. We all do but the lovely thing is that you bounce back, and usually quite quickly.

You have such a great well of strength. Continue drawing from this well in the days to come.

I lurk and don't always post because Spartow Hawk is giving you such good advice and you've got such a good head on your shoulders. But I still enjoy reading your posts.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Sparrow Hawk...


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Good evening Phoebe.
So I replied to this last night and then lost it all. Sound familiar. Anyway, I feel inspired to reply to this for a couple of reasons, that hopefully I can convey in a clear manner.

"Amy, wait. Don't cry. Did you see how you landed? No human lands on all fours like that. Amy, I think this means you're a unicorn." - Shawn Achor


Originally Posted By: Phoebe
Oh, it still isn't my thing, SH!!! Thank you for the praise, though.


Oh, but Phoebe! It is your thing, and I will continue to sing you praises and let me share why.

Originally Posted By: Phoebe
I mean, the walking friend hit on me the first time I met her, and the biking/L potential friend is male.


And this is exactly why it is your thing. You have made such great efforts to step outside of your comfort zone to attend things with a vast array of people that you were bound to run into folks and make friends with such people. I mean, if I told you these were the folks you would meet and make a connection with, would you have stepped out of your comfort zone? Seriously you will look back on this some day and giggle

Originally Posted By: Phoebe
Danger, Will Rogers!


I love the movie quote, but, c'mon now. What danger is there in your relationship with these individuals? I have not heard any danger in your posts in your interaction with them. Heck, I think you will look back on this someday and get a chuckle out of it. And who is to say a nice friendship does not blossom with them. I mean, if I am reading correctly you are continuing to spend some time with them correct?

Originally Posted By: Phoebe
I am so incredibly naive in this department! I mean, I met H as a kid, really, and I've been out of the whole singles scene for my entire adult life. I never really learned how to navigate the waters.


Are you really so naive when it comes to meeting people? I think we are all a little naive ,but isn't that part of the process. I don't think there is a manual to how one goes about meeting and "navigating" interactions with others. Yes, I understand the hesitation for you, for me, for anyone one that has not been single for so long to think of it as a world different than we are accustomed to, but, what is the single scene really, other than people like you and me. Some may have been single for a long time, some may be in our situation, divorced, chronic dater, etc. But in the end they are all just people, like you and me. Right? grin

Originally Posted By: Phoebe
I'm looking for friendship, and only friendship, but that may, or may not be what another person has in mind. I've lost any skill I once has in recognizing the difference. I thought by focusing on meeting women that I could eliminate any potential romantic issues, but even there I ran into deep water. I am astounding unsure of how to proceed. No way am I interested in anything romantic with anyone, but I do need and want friendship. I'm good at talking to people one on one, but dealing with these underlying currents... Not so much.


So you are looking for friendship. Easy enough. How do you know what the other person has in mind? Well, I know you know the answer to this, but I will state it for the purpose of making my points here (and I like to hear my self talk. LOL).
You talk with them. You state your intentions and ask about theirs. Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't you have this conversation with your walking friend who hit on you? And you are still meeting up with her, correct? It appears that you have navigated this pretty darn well to me. You, my dear Phoebe, have dealt with the underlying currents like a champ. wink

Originally Posted By: Phoebe
It doesn't help that for my whole life I have always 'clicked' better with men than women. I'm just not at all girly, so a lot of common feminine subjects don't resonate with me. I've never had a manicure, and I don't like shopping. I wouldn't recognize a Jimmy Choo if someone hit me over the head with one. My first best friend was a boy! It's the reason I was so bonded to H, and also a big reason I have had so few friends over the years. Marriage makes opposite gender friendships risky.

Anyway, I have a lot to learn about making friends, that's for certain. Fodder for therapy, I suspect.


It also does not hurt that you have clicked with men better than women. I know plenty of women like that and you will run into them as you continue to make contacts. I would also venture to say this is not why you have had so few friends, as you say in your life. That is probably more because of your connection to one person at a time. This is not necessarily a good or bad thing, it is more of an introvert thing. But even as introverts, we have decision each day if we will attempt to make connections socially. And you are doing that now as I read from your posts.
You may or may not have a lot to learn about making friends, but I do know the best way to learn anything. It is to get doing it. And again, you are doing it, right?

So now I want to wrap up my rebuttals to you post here, and I want to do it by asking you to hang up the phone with "evil Phoebe" because you are ruminating way to much on the past and the hurt from relationships and or rejection you have experienced.
Your post is all about rumination and "evil Phoebe" telling you things that you would not let a friend tell you. So my responses are the ones that I would give you when you call me so that you can see things in a positive light. I am the "good" friend wink grin

And now, as you know I like to challenge myself and my friends so that we can progress and become a better version of ourselves.
So my challenge to you is to read this from Shawn Achor's Ted Talk,

Phoebe, wait. Don't cry. Did you see how you landed? No human lands on all fours like that. Phoebe, I think this means you're a unicorn."- Shawn Achor

Now take your post here, and re write it, but do it from a positive self talk point of view.
Do not let "evil Phoebe" have a say.
You can indicate facts, but follow it up with what you have successfully done, or plan to do to be successful.

Will you take my challenge? Will you take a different view point on this post and then post it for us to see? For you to see?

Phoebe, you are handling things so well, and you are accomplishing things that seem so difficult for you, and I hope that you can see the awesomeness that you are exuding.
Because I see it, and so do many others that are following your story here.
Remember, that you are and will do what your thoughts are and indicate to you. You own this.

(((Phoebe)))

I hope it has been a good day for you. You have earned it.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Uh oh. SH has thrown down the gauntlet once more. I'm barely keeping up with the meditation! OK, I'll be honest, I'm slacking on that one, but I did listen to the F*ck that meditation multiple time in the last few days. It makes me smile.

Well, it's late, so I need to get some sleep, so I'll work on that soon SH. Tomorrow is going to be chaos (skating, oil change for my car, meeting in the evening), and then a sibling is flying into town to stay in my house for 2 nights, so cleaning, cleaning, cleaning!!! Then spending time with parents and sib, and rest of family for the weekend.

So here is where I struggle SH. Tonight I was invited on an overnight trip to a neighboring state! I literally met this person a week ago. I didn't mean physical danger, Will Rogers, I meant emotional exposure. The waters I am new to navigating are the ones where I figure out how to set bondaries with new people. Walking/music friend still keeps saying I'm cute (and the conversation was more oblique than boundary-setting) and after biking and dinner, I had to dodge that overnight invitation. I tried to do it gracefully. He immediately back-pedaled and said only for company, but it's awkward. I need to talk to them straight up, but it's so damn awkward!

I almost never say no to an invitation, and I need to learn how to do so with care and grace. These two new friends have been really good for me. Good company, good to talk to, understanding. I don't ever want to be one of those hurt people that hurt other people.

Sorry, SH. You are probably seeing this as more of the same, but that was not my evil twin speaking. It's just the real Phoebe, trying to figure things out again. I don't want to hurt people that are kind to me.

Anyway, I'll definitely work on that rewrite thing when I get a spare block of time. It just may be a few days. If I get distracted and forget, then hit me with a 2x4 SparrowHawk, code name: Sledge Hammer.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Well, it's official Wayward H vs. Phoebe was filed on 5/16.

Day started OK, and got a bit better, then went down hill PDQ. Spend another 20 minutes on the phone with my therapist.

I have never been so disappointed in another human being in my entire life. Not a word that he was filing. Not a tiny little peep. Kind of like the anniversary gift of abandonment, and the Christmas gift of a a separation. Just another gift of betrayal.

I would like to never see, hear, or think about this person again for the rest of my days. Rope dropped.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,081
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Just knowing that there is an official case out there in the world of him against me makes me feel sick.

Once upon a time we trusted each other with out lives. Literally. WTF happened to that trust?

I knew already, but was still clinging to the tiny thought that the papers I was being served with were some random thing.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Phoebe

I am sorry to hear about this. You are kind and caring and deserve respect. My heart breaks for you.

(((Phoebe)))


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Oh, Phoebe, I'm so very, very sorry. frown This has all gone terribly fast and you've barely got yourself back up on your knees. I really want to smack him.

I'm just home on a break from work but will get back on around 10:30 your time. I wish I was there to talk and walk with you.

I don't know what the laws are in your state, but learn them fast and don't give in to anything.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
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Divorced 6/15/17
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Phoebe, I am so sorry.

Last edited by Cadet; 06/02/16 05:08 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message

You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Swinging by to check in and oh my a lot since last night.

First, let the emotions of the delivery of the d papers flow through. They are natural and should be acknowledged. Your posts in reference to it all are strong though and that is due to all that you have been doing.
This is where you can let the anger out. You can benefit from it. The white anger that is.

(((Phoebe)))

I say enjoy the activities that you have planned, and the time with your sibling and family. The timing for that is perfect. There is no rush for you and the distractions will help keep your mind in a good place.

Now my advice here, is to separate the emotions from the d process. It is important so that you can understand the laws and details for it all. Protect your self and your interests. Stay calm, and most importantly do everything possible to be respectful to him regardless. I believe that my efforts to do that in my switch was what finally calmed the storm. Fighting over the details and facts that the law encompasses is a losing battle so there is little point in doing so.

Phoebe, focus on the positive self talk around your capabilities and principles and you will continue to get stronger as you travel through a difficult part of this journey.

I hope that you can sleep well tonight.
Rainbow hugs for you.

(((Phoebe)))


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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