continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[Painter]

I am so sorry! I wish I were there!

It may not be his doing that they did it on a holiday weekend. I don't think he could control that.

At work, more later.

(((((Phoebe)))))

[SH_]

Thank you, SparrowHawk. I really appreciate it and am very grateful to know that you are checking in on me today. It's been a hard one. Setting my goals very small today- make it through the next hour. With Xanax. I was on the phone with my T and I could barely even open the pill bottle I was shaking so much.


Talked to my neighbor friend a while ago, and she was lovely.

Good. Keep up with doing the little things to move hour to hour today.

I feel like I'm in exile because I don't want to go home and have the damn server find me. Is it silly to try to dodge it for the holiday weekend? I'm so disgusted that it's come to this. After giving my love to this man for 25 years I didn't even earn the curtesy of an email? Or even a text? This is not OK.

Try not to overthink this. What will happen, will happened. Focus on the efforts that you will take next week with your L. Emotions out. Facts and gory details in. I know it feels icky, but it will get easier. I promise. Been there. Done that.

A couple months ago he said that we're both good people and we both deserve to be happy, but he stopped being a good person some time ago.

You don't believe anything he says. That applied now to anything he said a couple of months ago. Avoid the rumination as best you can today.

Here comes the next wave of sadness. I don't want to be this helpless victim, but wtf? There is nothing that I could have done to deserve this method he has chosen. If he wanted out, then he should have said so, and not left a huge path of destruction in his wake. I'm angry and sad and disgusted and devestated and worse, I'm so unsure of myself now. I never doubted myself like I do now.

Let the waves pass. You are not a helpless victim. You are simply a wounded person. Now apply some emotional first aid, and then lets get to work. You say you doubt yourself..Let me tell you why you can acknowledge this and let it pass. You doubt yourself, the same way a heavy weight boxer does when a punch knows him woozy. He can't think straight, his legs are wobbly and he finds himself on the ground. There are 2 options here. Get up and keep fighting because you have trained for this. Or stay down for the count. Now you my dear Phoebe have been training for this moment. You have been coached by many here in this community. You have read DB/DR. You have been seeing different specialists to help you strengthen yourself from the other blows you have received.
And you are running your home and land like a boss. Tractors? Chicken saddles? squirrel surgery? Seriously, you do all this and still doubt? NO WAY. I am not buying this bill of goods from you today my dear Phoebe. You got nothing to doubt.
And you have coached me through some tough times. So stay in the moment. And you got this.

[Phoebe]

Thank you, SH. I know I'm not helpless, and that's why I said I don't want to be a helpless victim. I'm not, but I'm just kind of reeling. It's all this doubt. Whatever else, I always felt sure of myself and my life. Well, now that life has been upended and nothing feels quite right. It's a bit like not trusting gravity.

I just spent the last few hours with my new friend, the one who once hit on me, but who has become a sudden and unexpected source of comfort and company. I told her I was going to see some random movie at the inexpensive theater I go to, and she asked if I might want to meet and walk, instead. We just walked and talked for a few hours and while we were at the park she spotted a friend of hers who is a lawyer and he gave me some really good advice and is going to recommend a D lawyer for me.

It's been a tough day, but I've kept myself together since that last wave hit this afternoon.

Last night I slept without any meds, but I'm not even going to try doing that tonight. Mentally, I'm exhausted. I should probably eat, but I'm not feeling very motivated.

My therapist wants me to call and check in tomorrow. I didn't know that therapists were like this. I'm used to doctors that are done with you when your 15 minutes are up. It's good to know he really is there for me, even when the office is closed.

[SH_]

Way to recover from the blow today. You are doing the right things. Walking and talking with a friend who has a friend that is an L.

Things like this happen because you have been preparing and putting in the work.
I firmly believe that when one puts in the work when it is hard, that good things will happen and opportunity will present itself.

I am so happy to see that you got back up so quick today.

To all that read this, Phoebe is an example of what goes right when you do things when it is tough.

I know Phoebe, that you have a ways to go on this journey, but today is a day that you will look back and say, "I can handle the tough moments, and I will get back up and continue to move forward.

(((Phoebe)))

Sleep well tonight You earned it today. Meds or no meds, you earned it,

[J5K]

Phoebe,

I just caught up on your sitch. I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you.

You are strong and recovering well. SH has been a huge supporter to you and given great advice.

Let the emotions flow through you and the healing will start.
The days will get better.
I am praying for you my dear Phoebe. Sleep well tonight.

(((((Phoebe))))

[Painter]

It sounds like you met this woman for a reason! I am so happy you spoke with a L, it is so empowering.

Yes, take your meds tonight on a schedule. You need sleep.

[Phoebe]

Thank you SH, JimKao, and Painter. You are very kind. I feel like I'm just about making it through on an hourly basis.

I just took my sleep meds and now I'm going to give them at least an hour to reach their peak. I have a headache and am kind of nauseous. I knew I had to go back into the circus tent eventually, but I guess I was just hoping I'd get more time to build myself up before that point. And I was still hoping that H might one day wake up and realize he really did still want our M. False hopes. No one I talk to can understand why I'd ever consider taking him back after what he's done, but I guess I just wanted to believe I might have my life back. I knew that was over, but I clung to all the hopeful things H said for those first 3 months. That was cruel.

My friend tonight said, 'well, I think your therapy will progress faster now.' I guess it can, now that reality has hit me over the head. I wish it weren't a holiday weekend; I'd very much like to see my therapist before Tuesday.

I'm hurting a lot tonight. I'm going to sign off before I start crying again. I'm going to read a book for some distraction. Good night, my friends. Thank you for caring about me.

[Phoebe]

And thank you, too, Sotto. Your support has helped me a great deal.

[SH_]

May you have sweet dreams this night Phoebe.
Visions of pencil smiles, neature walks, chocolate, chicken saddles and being the woman that a fool is walking a way from dancing in your head.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and I will check in with you in the morning.

(((Phoebe)))

[Painter]

And I was still hoping that H might one day wake up and realize he really did still want our M. False hopes. No one I talk to can understand why I'd ever consider taking him back after what he's done, but I guess I just wanted to believe I might have my life back. I knew that was over, but I clung to all the hopeful things H said for those first 3 months. That was cruel.

Yes, yes and yes. I know exactly what you feel. H has continued to say hopeful things to me until I left! It is cruel.