continued detachment, anxiety, and joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Well, my happy place is coming to a very abrupt end. I came back to my home this morning to find a crappy green construction-paper-type business card on my door indicating that I am supposed to call some group about a legal issue.

So... I am about to be served. I am pretty angry. He couldn't be bothered to send me an email, call me, anything? He also did it on a holiday weekend to be sure that I can't contact and retain my own attorney for days? i am beyond disappointed int this human being.

Just had a complete breakdown, had my therapist on the phone for 20 minutes tearing to calm me down. Still doing really badly. Xanax taken, but no relief.

SO calculating to do it on he first day of a holiday weekend.

The man I though I knew is gone.

I can't breathe very well. Waiting of my mom to come over, but she's not here yet.

[Phoebe]

Crashing.

[SH_]

Phoebe,

Hear me. Your reaction is to be expected. Acknowledge the feelings pouring through. Stay in the moment as you acknowledge them. Do not think about tomorrow, avoid looking back into the past.
You have been healing and strengthening yourself for this moment.

Be gentle with yourself. Stop and try mindful meditation. Post here as you need. Find a way to be with someone.
And force a smile from time to time today. I will ask you to google this meditation on YouTube. I do this cautiously as it is meant to make you smile, but some who find vulgarity offensive may not appreciate it, so only look for it if you really need a smile and vulgarity is not offensive for you. ( I will not be offended if you choose not to)
Google f*ck that meditation


There is no rush to worry about contacting a L until the weekend is over. You don't need to respond to the card until you do next week.

Breath. Acknowledge. Focus on your next steps. Stay in the moment.

My heart breaks for you, and I will be here close by all weekend to listen to you, provide verbal comfort, whatever you need to help you in this moment of need.

I went through it and know what you are experiencing. You will make it through. And I will hold your hand as you do.

(((Phoebe)))

[Sotto]

Phoebe Sweetie, I am sorry to hear that and of course you must feel so upset. I recall the day I received draft D papers via email. I came home from work and cried and cried. RD on this forum kindly sat and had a glass of wine with me that evening, which I shall never forget. I didn't tell anyone else until the following days. But I did find that after 24 hours I was able to regroup a little and keep moving forward.

Try not to worry about any pre-meditation and it was the bank holiday weekend and so on. Just focus on working through the grief and there is plenty of time to seek advice and respond rather than react.

I would like to say that in general (and with the parts you can control) you are doing really well, and I think you are right where you need to be at this point in time. If he has chosen to file for D, that's on him and something you don't get to control. However, you do get to choose how you respond.

I'm a little further down the road than you and my H did see things right through to D. In a way (didn't realise this until some time had passed) it helped me that he has filed as I didn't need to make that decision myself after a long period of limbo. Others in the MLC part of the forum have longish sitches and H's that haven't filed and it is a tough decision to have to make.

Hope your Mum has arrived and will look after you. Keep posting and know that we are all here to help xx

[Phoebe]

Well, still crying. Still shaking, but not hyperventilating,so that's something I guess.

I'm such an idiot. I never did fund that individual account I set up, so if the accounts lock, I've got very little access to money. I've already gotten the "I told you so" reprimand from my dad. Empathy is in short supply around here. I just didn't want to start the financial tit-for-tat cascade that often starts when one person starts moving money around. Even H told me I should move some money over to it. Feeling so f-Ing stupid. He deserved none of my trust and yet I still gave it to him.

He is not a good person.

[SH_]

Phoebe,

Hang in there. Focus on your plan. No looking back at the shoulda woulda coulda's.
I already did all that for both of us the past couple of months, and I am still standing. Focus on getting to a place of clear thought for now. The other stuff will work its way out. it just seems to have a way of doing so.
Move the money on Tuesday. Its all community money until the divorce is final. Your L will advise you and assist.
Now is the time to focus on facts and truths. Emotions do not help in divorce processes. My STBXW found that out the hard way and she left and filed the D.

Anyway, enough of that from me.
Lets get you to a place that is comfortable. Lets focus on an action or activity that can force your focus on that.
Trust me, if I could go back, I would do that. All my worrying changed nothing. No use in paying the price twice, I say.

What can I do to help today. Let me know. i am here for you.

[Phoebe]

I'm going to go find the f that meditation you suggested.

I like the name Sparrow Hawk.

[Phoebe]

I'm lying outside and was listening to that and it had me laughing until a beautiful little vireo hit the window above my head. She looked really messed up, and made some awful little distress calls, but then she flew to a tree nearby. I hope she'll be OK.

I'm going to try listening to it again and hope another bird doesn't try to hurt itself.

[SH_]

Oh I do hope the lil bird is okay. Crazy birds running into windows.

And it is good to hear you found some laughter.

Anyway, that little meditation has some more meaning to me other than being funny.
My youngest brother went through a dark time in college mentally and while he was on some pain meds he screwed around with a gun. He said thoughts of suicide crossed his mind, but he did not do it. He told someone after as a way to unload it from his chest, and this created a series of events that forever changed his life. Therapists, meds, therapy, loss of opportunities due to therapists and meds, etc,

The point he shares with me and his turning that around for himself, was the day he sat down and said. "F*ck this sh!t and anyone that does not accept me for who I am."

He promptly stopped taking the meds, discontinued seeing the therapists, and swears he has been fine ever since. He is very successful and fears very little. He did take other steps to get his fear out, like jumping out of planes, riding motorcycles etc. But he has been a rock for me in my time of need and I did not understand his story as he would share it with me and tell me I am not broken as I was feeling. i am starting to understand it now, and when I heard this meditation. it was perfect. Funny, but has meaning as well.

I hope my little story here distracts you for a few minutes, and maybe has a nugget of hope for you.

I am still checking in on you .

[Phoebe]

Thank you, SparrowHawk. I really appreciate it and am very grateful to know that you are checking in on me today. It's been a hard one. Setting my goals very small today- make it through the next hour. With Xanax. I was on the phone with my T and I could barely even open the pill bottle I was shaking so much.

Talked to my neighbor friend a while ago, and she was lovely.

I feel like I'm in exile because I don't want to go home and have the damn server find me. Is it silly to try to dodge it for the holiday weekend? I'm so disgusted that it's come to this. After giving my love to this man for 25 years I didn't even earn the curtesy of an email? Or even a text? This is not OK.

A couple months ago he said that we're both good people and we both deserve to be happy, but he stopped being a good person some time ago.

Here comes the next wave of sadness. I don't want to be this helpless victim, but wtf? There is nothing that I could have done to deserve this method he has chosen. If he wanted out, then he should have said so, and not left a huge path of destruction in his wake. I'm angry and sad and disgusted and devestated and worse, I'm so unsure of myself now. I never doubted myself like I do now.